Doing things differently this time

[Androg]

37 days PMO free

I feel like a bit of a storm pass passed for me and it’s nice. It was very challenging and I am so glad that I did not use PMO, I know if I use once I’m back to active addiction, I have learned that well from past attempts.

I still get intrusive thoughts and need to look at them deeper, they are fantasies that comfort me but I would hate in real life. They are ultimately unrealistic, and highly destructive and I need to reinforce that when these thoughts come and I am not as urgent to get them out of my head as I could be, they can still feel comforting. I imagine toxic and abusive scenarios that in real life would be awful.

Porn really scrambled my brain and took so much, I want a better life and feel things are heading in the right direction

don’t feed the demon, stay strong!

Fantasies seem so harmless, but they do contribute to sexual conditioning. So we should all be careful what we get off to, because it shapes our future sexual tastes to some degree. In other words, get off to things that you think you would like to do in real life so that you’re attracted to those things when they show up.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

38 days PMO free

I was wiped out yesterday but it wasn’t in a bad way, it was a bit of an emotional catch up I guess. I’m feeling better than I have for a bit but I will feel I have a weight off my shoulders when I sort things out with my work, I expect that to be early next week and for it to go well.

I really have to double down on getting those intrusive thoughts out of my head quicker, I don’t feel close to using porn ATM but this will damage the foundations of recovery and is just bad.

I know some don’t like to post their porn sober time but I find it very beneficial, I feel it keeps my accountable and I really value waking up each Tuesday knowing I’ve made it through another week I think it can help people new to the forum as a proof of concept.

It’s great to hear stories of recovery out there, significant recovery is possible happy recovery all.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Fantasies seem so harmless, but they do contribute to sexual conditioning. So we should all be careful what we get off to, because it shapes our future sexual tastes to some degree. In other words, get off to things that you think you would like to do in real life so that you’re attracted to those things when they show up.

Thanks for saying this, the reinforcement helps

 

[Leonidas]

Good going Qwerty. Wish you many more wholesome days like the ones you described in previous posts! Even small little things like a walk near the coast (something I only wish I could do!) can bring thrill and joy, and remind us that it is moments like these that make life worth savoring..

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Good going Qwerty. Wish you many more wholesome days like the ones you described in previous posts! Even small little things like a walk near the coast (something I only wish I could do!) can bring thrill and joy, and remind us that it is moments like these that make life worth savoring..

Thanks Leonidas,
Yeah it’s great to be on the recovery journey. Good luck buddy, it’s such a worthwhile thing to do.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

39 days PMO free

I have been doing some emotional writing about my past and wow does it wipe me out. It healing but absolutely exhausting, I have done a lot of just enduring in silence in life and while I know to a degree we all do there comes a point when you need to let go of some of that tension.

My present focus is to concentrate on my breathing when I get intrusive thoughts and to understand they are very much not healthy, if I keep entertaining those thoughts I’ll never have healthy sexuality. Their comfort is hollow, dangerous and damaging, and I need to take that seriously.

Good fortune in recovery

 

[Androg]

Sounds like heavy going. Brave of you.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Day 40 PMO free

I feel pretty good today. Not much to report, still get intrusive thoughts but am getting better at not entertaining them. I know how unhealthy my sexual thinking has been so I need to stay away from it. Unrealistic, toxic dynamics are not good to think about.

I hate how I became so desensitised to extreme porn, at first it repulsed me as toxic, degrading, dehumanising and destructive. Some of those fantasies were horrible. I’m slowly getting some of that repulsion back but I think it will be a long journey.

I’m really focused on the 90 day mark, I know getting there isn’t a cure all but I’ve heard it’s a good milestone for rebooting. There is so much more to recovering than just not PMOing.

 

[TryingHarder]

I’m really focused on the 90 day mark, I know getting there isn’t a cure all but I’ve heard it’s a good milestone for rebooting.

Sounds like you're off to a great start and doing well. Judging from your journal, lots of great self-awareness and insights are coming your way. Keep going! It's not always easy, but the rewards keep on getting better.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Day 41 PMO free

Intrusive sexual fantasies still bother me more than I’d like and I’m really doubling down on trying to not take comfort from them. When they come now I start to concentrate on my breathing and affirm to myself that I really don’t want to act on my urges. I know if I let those thoughts linger I am feeding my addiction. The more discipline I can be about this the better my recovery.

I am trying to build a better support network for myself but find it really hard. I want to look at why I have such strong trust issues, it’s like I know but I really want to write it down as and capture it as a healing thing. I want to turn to others when I’m feeling stressed and not porn.

I feel like I’m being repetitive today but I benefit by reinforcing things that help, it makes things stick a bit more.

thanks for reading

 

[TryingHarder]

Intrusive sexual fantasies still bother me more than I’d like and I’m really doubling down on trying to not take comfort from them.

I struggle with this one as well. Whenever the intrusive thoughts happen, I ask myself: what comfort can be found in strange sexual thoughts? Why am I thinking these thoughts at this moment? What kind of comfort am I actually in need of? What kind of stress or anxiety am I feeling that trigger these weird ideas?

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Day 42 PMO free
5 weeks porn sober

I am grateful to be off porn but I am understanding how I used it for comfort and am trying to change things so my life isn’t so stressful.

My work is a one thing that causes me stress but I feel like I‘ve put together a good document for them to read that will help them understand me (I’m autistic) and pretty confident of things being better, it sure is challenging my social anxiety though.

I also keep myself very isolated, I do socialise but I don’t let people in and it’s hard. I’ve ordered the book ‘going deeper’ by Eddie Capparucci which is about the traumas that cause sexual dysfunction. I remember when I moved out of home and lived alone, that’s when I first started with PMO, mostly MO back then. I was definitely lonely, craving comfort, and full of self-loathing and those themes shaped my sexual fantasies.

First I need to sort out my work situation, than I need to look deeper, healing Is freedom.

Good luck all

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Day 44 PMO free

I’ve had some good contact with my work and feel very confident about moving forward with them. I’ve had to be very vulnerable though and it’s taken a lot of energy and focus. I feel my anxiety is much better but think it will take a month of two for me to recover from all the stress and strain and for me to feel fluent and confident again.

I kind of feel this has taken energy I’d rather of used on my recovery, my streak is good but fantasies still come. I feel I can now refocus on trying to sort others things out in my life but for the time being my brain feels exhausted, I feel it’s a time for some patience.

I still feel much more desensitised that I want to be, and still know my brain is craving dopamine from PMO. I’m looking forward to being re-energised soon, I just have to do the next right thing.

good luck all

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Day 45 PMO free

I need to get back into exercising more. I do a lot of walking but not enough cardio and it benefits me so much. I’m starting to feel better after a pretty stressful and emotional time and when I’m fitter I’m more productive and happier.

I haven’t slept the best lately and know it’s because I’ve been a bit stagnant and not so disciplined, now the smoke has started to clear I need start being more proactive.

I still feel a bit raw and fragile so I’m going camping for a few days next week. I always benefit from getting out of town, it’s like a mini reset.

All the best everyone

 

[Qwertyxyz]

46 days PMO free

I woke up feeling the best I have for weeks. I feel like I’m bouncing back quite well from the stress I had around my work. As I’m feeling more h better my cravings are much less and that’s really nice, I can just be at home without dealing with compulsions.

I think the less drama in my life the less likely I am to crave and possibly act out. My life isn’t perfect and I need to do my best to feel connected and stable. I’ve had a lot of anxiety and depression and want to take good care of myself.

 

[sm01561944]

46 days PMO free

I woke up feeling the best I have for weeks. I feel like I’m bouncing back quite well from the stress I had around my work. As I’m feeling more h better my cravings are much less and that’s really nice, I can just be at home without dealing with compulsions.

I think the less drama in my life the less likely I am to crave and possibly act out. My life isn’t perfect and I need to do my best to feel connected and stable. I’ve had a lot of anxiety and depression and want to take good care of myself.

Really happy for you man, and camping sounds like a good plan. I've been hoping to get out soon and do the same. Enjoy your time away from the craziness of the world.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Day 47 PMO free

I caught up with a group yesterday and while it was mostly good I feel like it wiped me out a bit. Sometimes I need to leave earlier, when I’m tired I find groups hard. It affects my anxiety really and I know it’s not ideal, I’m seeing when my anxiety is up I have cravings.

I need to be more self aware of what causes my anxiety, for most of my life I’ve ignored the internal caution flags and pushed on socially then developed anxiety. I need to be there for myself and listen to what’s going on for me. I’m aiming to catch up one on one with more people, I connect much more when I do that.

Loving being PMO free but I know I have to stay disciplined, anxiety is hard to deal with and I know I can improve it.

 

[Androg]

Many guys report reduced anxiety after the worst of the withdrawal is behind them. So stay optimistic.

 

[TryingHarder]

You're doing great, Qwertyxyz. Keep crushing it, and stay self aware!

​

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Day 48 PMO free

I ordered the a book called ‘going deeper’ by Eddie Capparucci but I ended up getting the work book by mistake not the actual book. This is actually a good thing, I got the audiobook from audible and have started listening and will go through the work book for a deeper understanding.

It a lot about inner child stuff and while I’ve not been drawn to that in the past I do see it as a kind of construct to understand trauma. So far I’ve better understood that growing up I had massive abandonment and self-blame/self-loathing issues and they really do shape me today. I did grow up with both parents but it was like an emotional vacuum, I was a highly anxious autistic kid and got zero emotional connection or support.

I feel there is so much in my to work through and it makes me crave comfort (porn) and affects my life badly. I’m happy that I’ve found something that will help me learn about myself and grow, it will be an emotional journey.

Have a good week all