Doing things differently this time
- Thread starter Qwertyxyz
- Start date
Qwertyxyz
Active Member
65 Days PMO free
I’m having my ups and downs right now so I’ve reflected a bit on why it’s so good to be off Porn. I have a lot more ability to live a happy content life when I am porn sober and have much more energy for life.
what is challenging right now (and is temporary) is how I’m re-adjusting to work after my recent breakdown. The manager who caused me the distress come back on Friday and I work with him for a week. While I think it will be fine my feelings are all over the place. I’m talking to my work about autism and it’s helping me to cope.
Autism is really hard, my brain is limited but it’s very hard to get others to understand it, it’s caused me a lot of stress and loneliness. I can’t wait to be home again (I’m on an oil rig right now) where I have the time and energy to care for myself more.
I find life hard at times as I can get mentally fatigued and distressed easily. I was in massive anxiety going through my critical stages of development and I know that’s bad. The brain can heal but I know I have a lot to deal with. I hanging in there, I’ll be home in 8 days and can’t wait.
I’m having my ups and downs right now so I’ve reflected a bit on why it’s so good to be off Porn. I have a lot more ability to live a happy content life when I am porn sober and have much more energy for life.
what is challenging right now (and is temporary) is how I’m re-adjusting to work after my recent breakdown. The manager who caused me the distress come back on Friday and I work with him for a week. While I think it will be fine my feelings are all over the place. I’m talking to my work about autism and it’s helping me to cope.
Autism is really hard, my brain is limited but it’s very hard to get others to understand it, it’s caused me a lot of stress and loneliness. I can’t wait to be home again (I’m on an oil rig right now) where I have the time and energy to care for myself more.
I find life hard at times as I can get mentally fatigued and distressed easily. I was in massive anxiety going through my critical stages of development and I know that’s bad. The brain can heal but I know I have a lot to deal with. I hanging in there, I’ll be home in 8 days and can’t wait.
Qwertyxyz
Active Member
69 days PMO free
I didn’t realise I had skipped posting for 3 days. Work is very exhausting, I knew I skipped posting yesterday but didn’t realise about the other days. Sometimes I’m that exhausted I change my routine (like planning to post during the day not in the morning) but I clean forget.
My work can be very demanding and it’s good for me to acknowledge that and be realistic, I’m an autistic guy working 12 hours a day on an oil rig in what can be a socially complex and demanding environment. There are things that I am very grateful for in my work but there is definitely a price I pay.
This hitch is more demanding that usually as there are familiar people who aren’t here and new people who love to talk, there is equipment not working and I’m rebounding from a breakdown. So I need to cut myself some slack. I’m home this Friday so I’m grateful on the home stretch, getting home was often a time of diving into porn so I’m staying vigilant and determined.
I feel that in many ways this hitch has been good, my confidence is rebounding and I’ve navigated things well. It feelike I’m in a bit of a holding pattern and I need to be careful not to drift off course, when I get home I can re-engage with more recovery stuff. I’m having a lot of intrusive porn/sex thoughts and I know they are in part a symptom of myself craving comfort.
I have 4 more shifts to go! Can’t wait to do some walking around my local park, I need to decompress and reassess.
I didn’t realise I had skipped posting for 3 days. Work is very exhausting, I knew I skipped posting yesterday but didn’t realise about the other days. Sometimes I’m that exhausted I change my routine (like planning to post during the day not in the morning) but I clean forget.
My work can be very demanding and it’s good for me to acknowledge that and be realistic, I’m an autistic guy working 12 hours a day on an oil rig in what can be a socially complex and demanding environment. There are things that I am very grateful for in my work but there is definitely a price I pay.
This hitch is more demanding that usually as there are familiar people who aren’t here and new people who love to talk, there is equipment not working and I’m rebounding from a breakdown. So I need to cut myself some slack. I’m home this Friday so I’m grateful on the home stretch, getting home was often a time of diving into porn so I’m staying vigilant and determined.
I feel that in many ways this hitch has been good, my confidence is rebounding and I’ve navigated things well. It feelike I’m in a bit of a holding pattern and I need to be careful not to drift off course, when I get home I can re-engage with more recovery stuff. I’m having a lot of intrusive porn/sex thoughts and I know they are in part a symptom of myself craving comfort.
I have 4 more shifts to go! Can’t wait to do some walking around my local park, I need to decompress and reassess.
Qwertyxyz
Active Member
Day 70 PMO free
that’s 10 weeks without PMO, there have been lots of cravings and ups and downs but all up it’s been great. I feel my hope and confidence are so much better and I’m much more grounded.
I listened to something about how much more dopamine thee is in porn use than there is in the normal world and I kind of understood why I have so many intrusive thoughts, I’m craving dopamine while my brain rewires. In the past it wasn’t unusual for me to spend 8-10 hours looking at porn on some days. What a waste.
Im home from work soon and can’t wait to get back into life and recovery more fully again.
Take it easy all.
that’s 10 weeks without PMO, there have been lots of cravings and ups and downs but all up it’s been great. I feel my hope and confidence are so much better and I’m much more grounded.
I listened to something about how much more dopamine thee is in porn use than there is in the normal world and I kind of understood why I have so many intrusive thoughts, I’m craving dopamine while my brain rewires. In the past it wasn’t unusual for me to spend 8-10 hours looking at porn on some days. What a waste.
Im home from work soon and can’t wait to get back into life and recovery more fully again.
Take it easy all.
Qwertyxyz
Active Member
Day 72 PMO free
Everyone is different, different life experiences, different supports, different inherent strengths and weaknesses. Our journeys are all individual. Sometimes I read posts from others and feel I am not doing the best in my recovery, but I know I shouldn’t compare.
I should also feel grateful when I read about others that a still struggling to quit, that was me for a long time and it had to get crystal clear how it was ruining my life before I could stop.
I get intrusive thoughts and fantasies quite often and there is a sense of comfort that comes with them, there is absolutely still a compulsion and I often don’t distract from it as quickly as I could.
I see my intrusive thoughts as a realistic symptom of a stressful lonely life, in so many ways my life is good but there has been huge long term loneliness and distress, I’ve lived most of my life with undiagnosed, untreated autism and the anxiety has been brutal.
My reward centre is pretty fried and healing will take time. I’m doing a lot of good things socially but that doesn’t mean I heal overnight. I want to have healthy sexual relationships one day but know I’m not in a good state to start.
While I know the 90 days is a milestone I’m thinking of taking 120 day, I know this is arbitrary but I need to be patient.
I am loving the potential I feel inside myself being off PMO, even with those intrusive thoughts my life is much, much better.
Everyone is different, different life experiences, different supports, different inherent strengths and weaknesses. Our journeys are all individual. Sometimes I read posts from others and feel I am not doing the best in my recovery, but I know I shouldn’t compare.
I should also feel grateful when I read about others that a still struggling to quit, that was me for a long time and it had to get crystal clear how it was ruining my life before I could stop.
I get intrusive thoughts and fantasies quite often and there is a sense of comfort that comes with them, there is absolutely still a compulsion and I often don’t distract from it as quickly as I could.
I see my intrusive thoughts as a realistic symptom of a stressful lonely life, in so many ways my life is good but there has been huge long term loneliness and distress, I’ve lived most of my life with undiagnosed, untreated autism and the anxiety has been brutal.
My reward centre is pretty fried and healing will take time. I’m doing a lot of good things socially but that doesn’t mean I heal overnight. I want to have healthy sexual relationships one day but know I’m not in a good state to start.
While I know the 90 days is a milestone I’m thinking of taking 120 day, I know this is arbitrary but I need to be patient.
I am loving the potential I feel inside myself being off PMO, even with those intrusive thoughts my life is much, much better.
Blondie
Respected Member
You're doing great @Qwertyxyz, the potential we all have deep inside us is truly amazing.
Bless you.
Qwertyxyz
Active Member
Thanks Blondie, much appreciated.
Qwertyxyz
Active Member
Day 73 PMO free
I get home from work today and am grateful, I’m very tired and while I’ve had a pretty good hitch at work I feel pretty tired and vulnerable. Recovery can be confusing sometimes, I’m listening to something about comparing yourself to how you were yesterday and not other people. Really good advice.
A lot of porn stuff plays out in my head and I know it will get better but in the moment I don’t like it. I now am very happy to have 4 weeks of work and have a lot of very productive stuff planned, it has been an interesting time.
I really want to have some healthy intimacy in my life, I know I need a bit more recovery before I pursue that but it is a nice thought. In the past a now to a lesser extent I’ve thought about healthy sexuality and it has slipped to thinking about non healthy stuff.
I’m glad to be on my way home and glad I’ve got a bit of time without porn or ejaculation. Grateful to be on the journey.
good luck all
I get home from work today and am grateful, I’m very tired and while I’ve had a pretty good hitch at work I feel pretty tired and vulnerable. Recovery can be confusing sometimes, I’m listening to something about comparing yourself to how you were yesterday and not other people. Really good advice.
A lot of porn stuff plays out in my head and I know it will get better but in the moment I don’t like it. I now am very happy to have 4 weeks of work and have a lot of very productive stuff planned, it has been an interesting time.
I really want to have some healthy intimacy in my life, I know I need a bit more recovery before I pursue that but it is a nice thought. In the past a now to a lesser extent I’ve thought about healthy sexuality and it has slipped to thinking about non healthy stuff.
I’m glad to be on my way home and glad I’ve got a bit of time without porn or ejaculation. Grateful to be on the journey.
good luck all
TryingHarder
Well-Known Member
I have had all of those thoughts, too, Qwertyxyz - I think most guys here have. Recovery can absolutely be confusing, but certainly looking at porn isn't very lucid. Keep up the great work!
Qwertyxyz
Active Member
Thanks
Qwertyxyz
Active Member
Day 74 PMO free
I nearly acted on MO compulsions this morning, it was close, and they’re have been a few times like that lately. In a way I’m not worried, I am early in my journey and I can heal.
I’m home from work and have 4 weeks off which is wonderful, working 3 weeks on 3 weeks off (usually) means at work it’s a bit more of a holding pattern, and I need to develop good habits while I’m home.
In some ways I wish I was further along in recovery and hate the intrusive thoughts, but my life is much better for not poisoning myself with PMO. I’m closing in on my 90 and that’s a greater milestone but I see it as the beginning of recovery, certainly for me, and I have a lot more work to do.
I get 6 sessions a calendar year with a psych as pay of an employee assistant program, I’ve used them up until December so I have to be wise in the meantime.
have a great weekend all
I nearly acted on MO compulsions this morning, it was close, and they’re have been a few times like that lately. In a way I’m not worried, I am early in my journey and I can heal.
I’m home from work and have 4 weeks off which is wonderful, working 3 weeks on 3 weeks off (usually) means at work it’s a bit more of a holding pattern, and I need to develop good habits while I’m home.
In some ways I wish I was further along in recovery and hate the intrusive thoughts, but my life is much better for not poisoning myself with PMO. I’m closing in on my 90 and that’s a greater milestone but I see it as the beginning of recovery, certainly for me, and I have a lot more work to do.
I get 6 sessions a calendar year with a psych as pay of an employee assistant program, I’ve used them up until December so I have to be wise in the meantime.
have a great weekend all
Qwertyxyz
Active Member
75 days PMO free
I need to not linger in bed to long before getting moving in the morning, that’s when and where I can get heaps of porn thoughts and temptations. This morning was bad but I got out of home and made it to the park. Sitting here watching the ducks is really good for me.
My work can challenge me as it takes so much focus and energy, I need to be in good habits and a good space before going. Recovery can take time to, I’m starting to feel better now but it will take a few more days until I’m my usual self. Working on oil rigs isn’t for everyone.
I’m just glad I’m hanging in there, everything is better with out porn. I know some people don’t like counting the days but it helps me, every day, every week is a bit of a victory.
I doubt that I’ll ever be able to masturbate in a healthy way again and am comfortable with that, my goal is PMO free for life, it would be liberating. Healthy sexual relationships will take time but they will come.
I am finding quitting porn much harder than quitting alcohol.
Good luck all
I need to not linger in bed to long before getting moving in the morning, that’s when and where I can get heaps of porn thoughts and temptations. This morning was bad but I got out of home and made it to the park. Sitting here watching the ducks is really good for me.
My work can challenge me as it takes so much focus and energy, I need to be in good habits and a good space before going. Recovery can take time to, I’m starting to feel better now but it will take a few more days until I’m my usual self. Working on oil rigs isn’t for everyone.
I’m just glad I’m hanging in there, everything is better with out porn. I know some people don’t like counting the days but it helps me, every day, every week is a bit of a victory.
I doubt that I’ll ever be able to masturbate in a healthy way again and am comfortable with that, my goal is PMO free for life, it would be liberating. Healthy sexual relationships will take time but they will come.
I am finding quitting porn much harder than quitting alcohol.
Good luck all
Qwertyxyz
Active Member
I’ve had a relapse.
The last 2 days have been about porn and isolation. I will try again and still essentially hate porn. I am going hiking in a weeks time and will be in the bush for about a week, that always serves me as a bit of a reset.
I’ve learned a bit about myself and recovery:
1: It is harder to recover when your life is out of order, I feel things are better but there are a few actions I should take.
2: I need to continue to develop one on one relationships, I have always let my anxiety get the better of me with this and it will take time but the rewards are great. Most of my life feels isolated.
3: I don’t need porn to watch porn. My head can easily play out themes from the porn clips and fantasies, letting these day dreams play out is watching porn.
4: My childhood really messed me up, I’ve heard about trauma by commission (e.g. assault) and trauma by omission like neglect. I felt deeply neglected growing up, like I was a scared kid in house full of strangers. Because it wasn’t explosive I didn’t feel my distress was appropriate, it’s really messed me up, I don’t let people in, I don’t trust, I don’t expect to be valued.
I’ve got to do the right things now, I can still quit this.
The last 2 days have been about porn and isolation. I will try again and still essentially hate porn. I am going hiking in a weeks time and will be in the bush for about a week, that always serves me as a bit of a reset.
I’ve learned a bit about myself and recovery:
1: It is harder to recover when your life is out of order, I feel things are better but there are a few actions I should take.
2: I need to continue to develop one on one relationships, I have always let my anxiety get the better of me with this and it will take time but the rewards are great. Most of my life feels isolated.
3: I don’t need porn to watch porn. My head can easily play out themes from the porn clips and fantasies, letting these day dreams play out is watching porn.
4: My childhood really messed me up, I’ve heard about trauma by commission (e.g. assault) and trauma by omission like neglect. I felt deeply neglected growing up, like I was a scared kid in house full of strangers. Because it wasn’t explosive I didn’t feel my distress was appropriate, it’s really messed me up, I don’t let people in, I don’t trust, I don’t expect to be valued.
I’ve got to do the right things now, I can still quit this.
TryingHarder
Well-Known Member
Relapses happen, Qwertyxyz. Sounds like you have been thinking about this already, but - what led you back to porn? What could you do next time to avoid it? I've been struggling lately, too, so I know how all of this feels.
Qwertyxyz
Active Member
Thank for the post. I feel I have an understanding of what led to my relapse. I need to improve my communication.
Qwertyxyz
Active Member
I am going off the grid and hiking for a week in a couple of days, I think this is a very good thing.
At first my relapse felt great as all the dopamine I was craving came back, but a few days after I felt myself sinking into the usual rut. Porn makes me feel mentally crippled, I’m not myself.
a few things I want to do differently are that I plan to join an online group for porn addiction, and I want to have something I commit to at least one day of the week in the morning, the morning is my most dangerous time and I find it hard to Beas constructive as I would like.
I also want to live with a lot more integrity and honesty, I pay a price for that.
Stay strong everyone and thanks for sharing your stories.
At first my relapse felt great as all the dopamine I was craving came back, but a few days after I felt myself sinking into the usual rut. Porn makes me feel mentally crippled, I’m not myself.
a few things I want to do differently are that I plan to join an online group for porn addiction, and I want to have something I commit to at least one day of the week in the morning, the morning is my most dangerous time and I find it hard to Beas constructive as I would like.
I also want to live with a lot more integrity and honesty, I pay a price for that.
Stay strong everyone and thanks for sharing your stories.
Qwertyxyz
Active Member
3? Days PMO free
I think it’s 3 days, I’m hiking and will need to look at the dates when I get back home. This is the first time I’ve had reception, it’s been nice to be away from it all with my thoughts, it’s a reset that I’ve really needed.
I have thought about my relapse, it was pretty full on too, I didn’t start with lighter stuff but went straight to the hardcore stuff. Such a horrible negative effect. It take a few days before my confidence and productivity really drop but drop it does.
I have read and heard how important it is to identify the root causes of your PMO addiction if you want to quit it. There are reasons I can point too, shitty childhood, autism, the effects of porn, and sometimes i think I focus on those and deflect from how much my ex affects me.
I have a 15 year old son to my ex so it’s very complicated, I hate her and wish she was out of my life. I have absorbed so much dysfunction and haven’t talk about it any where near as much as I should. I will seek more support, there are online groups and plenty of other options.
there is still shame there and I know my secrets are bad for me. I really have nothing to be ashamed of, I know that but until I start Talking more I won’t feel it.
good luck everyone, I’ll be back in civilisation in another 3 days so hopefully I’ll have some recovery momentum.
I think it’s 3 days, I’m hiking and will need to look at the dates when I get back home. This is the first time I’ve had reception, it’s been nice to be away from it all with my thoughts, it’s a reset that I’ve really needed.
I have thought about my relapse, it was pretty full on too, I didn’t start with lighter stuff but went straight to the hardcore stuff. Such a horrible negative effect. It take a few days before my confidence and productivity really drop but drop it does.
I have read and heard how important it is to identify the root causes of your PMO addiction if you want to quit it. There are reasons I can point too, shitty childhood, autism, the effects of porn, and sometimes i think I focus on those and deflect from how much my ex affects me.
I have a 15 year old son to my ex so it’s very complicated, I hate her and wish she was out of my life. I have absorbed so much dysfunction and haven’t talk about it any where near as much as I should. I will seek more support, there are online groups and plenty of other options.
there is still shame there and I know my secrets are bad for me. I really have nothing to be ashamed of, I know that but until I start Talking more I won’t feel it.
good luck everyone, I’ll be back in civilisation in another 3 days so hopefully I’ll have some recovery momentum.
Qwertyxyz
Active Member
Day 0 PMO free
Craving 8/10
I’m hoping that I’ve learned from the past am and going to try again. I’m at work now so it does limit my access to online porn.
I have joined an online support group and have a better understanding of when I am off, I know I need to watch this and be proactive about my mental state, ignoring it until it goes away fails me badly.
I don’t feel perfect but I need to try again. I need to reflect on what porn has cost me, and what it will cost me if I continue.
wish me luck
Craving 8/10
I’m hoping that I’ve learned from the past am and going to try again. I’m at work now so it does limit my access to online porn.
I have joined an online support group and have a better understanding of when I am off, I know I need to watch this and be proactive about my mental state, ignoring it until it goes away fails me badly.
I don’t feel perfect but I need to try again. I need to reflect on what porn has cost me, and what it will cost me if I continue.
wish me luck