Out of respect for their privacy, I'll be referring to other people who I mention in my entries with codenames. I'll also refrain from being needlessly specific when writing about them and their interactions with me.
The woman who I've brought up in my last two entries will be referred to as "Tarakī" from now on.
My sobriety from porn has continued to get easier, and I've continued to keep my guard up. I don't want to think about other women in a sexual light, even if it doesn't have a blatant pornographic angle. We're not officially a couple, but I've considered myself to be committed to her for some time now (it hasn't been much of a "sacrifice" though considering how otherwise unsuccessful I've been at finding someone who connects with me). And if things don't work out with her; having messed things up with someone who I feel very compatible with, I'll become obsessed with self-improvement, which will keep me sober.
The unorthodox name of this journal wasn't chosen solely to stand out from the conventional (albeit appropriate and substantial) names chosen by others. The name represents how I want my life to be improved by the time that I turn 24, which is now just a few months away. As you can tell by now, I get paranoid about how I'm not making the most of my youth, and how I'm behind in some major areas of life. This is also represented mathematically: Radical 24 isn't a whole number, 24 is 1 short of 25, radical 25 is a whole number (5), and .5 is 50%. When I began this journal, I felt like I needed to build upon myself in order to finally form a relationship. There had to be reasons why I had never done so before, there had to be things that were "wrong" with me.
[Please don't take my writings about my irrationally negative thoughts and integrate them into your own self-image or world view or etc. I'm obligated to bring them up to some extent due to how much they've affected me, but they're irrational nonetheless]
Me and Tarakī plan on meeting in-person for the first time some time next month, so I've currently got a bit of a "Radical July" mentality. She told me that she likes me for who I am, but I know that there's still room to make myself more desirable to her and others.
In my overthinking ways, I've been feeling guilty/paranoid about things relating to me and her. I'll try to reassure myself that I'm not in the wrong:
Your feelings for her aren't supposed to be this strong, the two of you haven't been talking for that long and have yet to meet in-person. She should be holding less of a presence in your head.
My feelings are probably stronger than the societal norm under those circumstances, but my personal history circumstances don't fit the norm either. And in terms of the kind of woman that's ideal for me, Tarakī isn't normal either, she's exceptional. You can't even hit me with Would you still be into her if you never struggled with finding someone?, because you know that I'd confidently answer with a yes. Of course, I'm aware that she's only human; I've picked up on some imperfections of hers. I'll try to keep things developing at a pace that she's comfortable with. Also, we've opened up to each other to a significant degree at this point, so my strong feelings have been partially earned in that way. I don't want to feel guilty for being in love, this is stupid. Or maybe it hasn't evolved into love quite yet, I'm not entirely sure. I'm not going to tell her that I love her until I feel like it's appropriate, so I don't think that whether or not my current feelings qualify as "love" matters much.
Why is she into you, when so many other women aren't? Something strange is going on.
Actually, based on what she's revealed of herself, it makes sense that she'd be into me. As for the women who haven't expressed interest in me in the online environments; it's clear that many of them never gave a yes or no answer, so it's possible that some of them would've been into me. This pessimistic viewpoint also ignores the women in offline scenarios who've been into me but didn't receive advancements from me at the time, of which there have been multiple occurrences [This wasn't necessarily me not being interested in them, it often involved social incompetence]. As long as I'm with someone, it doesn't matter whether or not other women are into me anyways. It doesn't matter what I've been through, cheating is wrong.
You're bad at talking to her over the phone, and your texting skills can be subpar too.
Ok yeah I can be awkward at times, but I'm only humam as well. She still likes talking to me, and her opinion matters more than my hypercritical one.
I hope that she's not as self-critical as I am in regards to this connection that we're building. At least that would be something else that we could bond over, now that I think of it.
I'm scared of losing her, I admit, but being paranoid isn't attractive. Living my life with confidence, centralized around myself, with her being greatly appreciated but still secondary, that's attractive. The intimacy starvation circumstances can feel like a cycle of failure, maladapting your ability to achieve solutions, and I'm not fond of how providing examples of this has the potential to sadden others. I will prove that the cycle can be broken, whether with her or someone else. I have a responsibility to do so, knowing how widespread this issue is.
To be fair, building relationships are kind of on-topic, and you could consider it the main topic of our existence (or at least it is for mine, at least for now).