Shodan
Member
I don’t want to begin with what I did last time but I reached a 721 day streak that ended one god-awful night. I took far more pleasure in counting the many days I spent abstaining than I did actually making the days count. Way before the self-doubt spiked in I had begun to realise that even after such a long period of almost two years I was, internally, almost the same person I was as when I got started. The obvious motivation for starting had all but evaporated and I was now searching for something I didn’t have, an easy way out. The night, or early morning, my streak ended I will never forget because the utter despair that followed the next few days would have killed a lesser man. It led me down a path of self-destruction, self-masochism, self-misery. I won’t call it self-pity because although I knew I’d fucked up I was not loathing it by blaming the world for my mistake, I knew it was my mistake and I knew it was a costly one at that. I continued to binge until one important realisation entered my pysche - I really don’t want P in my life at all. I entered down a path of sex with women which was far more satisfying than anything I’d find on the tv or internet. However although able to perform without P I still knew I had a LONG way to go to rid myself of this crap once and for all and so I’m here - again. This being my second time on this forum and not a hope but a declaration that I will only grow from here. Yes the reboot, hard-mode, no PMO goal is dark and unforgiving but nothing worth attaining is easy. Life - real life, a thing that I (as I imagine most of us on this forum) have denied ourselves for far too long. Upon starting this reboot today I have made the commitment to informing myself as well was possible everyday, to exercise as often as physically possible, to eat, sleep and shit this reboot until it’s time to rewire and I won’t be rushing myself into that. Time, patience and pressure is, i believe, what it’s going to require from me. It may be different for alot of you guys and I’d love to hear your recommendations if I have missed anything of note. I haven’t started the same way I did almost three years ago. Here I know I am different man, alot more mature which is why even before I began, P and M was already disgustingly distasteful. To me they are child’s play and I’m a MAN. More mature than ever, more ready than ever. So I’ll let the dark clouds come in, let the rain pour, let the darkness of the unforgiving rabbit hole envelope me - I’ll smile all the way through because here is where I can FOCUS. I’m glad it’s FINALLY and GENUINELY started.
