Shodan
Member
Over the last 10 years since I actually became aware of addiction to PMO I’ve been on several streaks, accumulating around 4.5 years of abstinence during that time. 4 years ago I ended a streak of 16 months and 10 months ago I ended a streak of 721 days, 9 days short of my goal of two years. And then yesterday I believe I’ve got back on the horse once and for all and for the last time. With each of my streaks I became better at it, strengthening my resolve each time.
The point I wish to emphasise is this - depending on the severity of the addiction, it will actually take several relapses over time in order to gain the strength and resolve to finish this shit and kill that monster once and for all. It happened to me and although my heart broke when I ended my near 2 year streak, which was the longest I’ve ever gone without it, I knew I had gained something else along the way, maturity. Being stuck in the horrid vortex of internet P and being sucked to the bottom every time we think we can control it even into adulthood has kept us in that same mindset we were when we were young and ‘trying it out’ for the first time. Think - last time you attempted PMO (even in your 30’s) you didn’t want anyone to see or know what you were doing, you cleared your browser history and you did in secret; such is the shameful nature of it. Afraid our parents would find out or our friends and siblings would laugh once they caught wind of it. The same sense of shame carries with us into adulthood because of it and because of it our mind has failed to mature past it.
Now as I said over the past 10 years I’ve attempted to ‘fix’ this thing and each time I’ve tried I also failed. Some after two weeks, 3 months and 16 months then finally after 23 months and 3 weeks. But during those periods of abstinence my mind was able to gain clarity and in a word - mature as a result of said clarity. I began to realise that not every relapse was a terrible thing but a lesson as to who I was becoming further reinforcing who I WANTED to become. Now as I’m sat here writing this i know full well that the next 6 to 24 months is going to be an absolute breeze because rather than counting the days I will infact make the days count (I can’t stress that to myself enough right now). So much work and effort goes into the present moment i scarcely notice the time flying by such is my focused nature at this point. Yesterday and today at work 5 hours had flown by and I thought I’d only been here for maybe 2 hours because I’m not sat around waiting for my mind to travel some place it is all too familiar with. I AM NOT INTERESTED IN WHAT IS FAMILIAR. All I am focused on is doing something/something’s entirely new. Places I’ve never been, activities I’ve never tried, food I’ve never eaten - WHATEVER IT IS, it’s need to be absolutely unfamiliar. I say this because through that clarity and maturity I spoke of earlier I’ve realised that everything I’ve done in the past has not worked for me. It brought me an education but it didn’t fix the problem. Even as I’m writing this my testicles (even on day 2) are throbbing something awful yet it’s a pain or rather discomfort I’m totally comfortable with (refer to earlier post on cold showers).
The true point of this whole thread is this - we aren’t all going to get it right the first or even the third, fifth time but with each fall comes the opportunity to grow further and reach higher. Once that level of adult maturity has surfaced in the psyche, much less the strength and resolve that comes with it THEN we will be successful. That doesn’t mean you can’t get it right first time, some will some won’t. But those that don’t will only strengthen themselves to go further and harder the next time around. There isn’t light at the end of the tunnel, there is light where you look for it. We just need to allow ourselves the time and patience to find it. We can all kill this monster cold. And we all most certainly will!
Godspeed, strength and guidance!
The point I wish to emphasise is this - depending on the severity of the addiction, it will actually take several relapses over time in order to gain the strength and resolve to finish this shit and kill that monster once and for all. It happened to me and although my heart broke when I ended my near 2 year streak, which was the longest I’ve ever gone without it, I knew I had gained something else along the way, maturity. Being stuck in the horrid vortex of internet P and being sucked to the bottom every time we think we can control it even into adulthood has kept us in that same mindset we were when we were young and ‘trying it out’ for the first time. Think - last time you attempted PMO (even in your 30’s) you didn’t want anyone to see or know what you were doing, you cleared your browser history and you did in secret; such is the shameful nature of it. Afraid our parents would find out or our friends and siblings would laugh once they caught wind of it. The same sense of shame carries with us into adulthood because of it and because of it our mind has failed to mature past it.
Now as I said over the past 10 years I’ve attempted to ‘fix’ this thing and each time I’ve tried I also failed. Some after two weeks, 3 months and 16 months then finally after 23 months and 3 weeks. But during those periods of abstinence my mind was able to gain clarity and in a word - mature as a result of said clarity. I began to realise that not every relapse was a terrible thing but a lesson as to who I was becoming further reinforcing who I WANTED to become. Now as I’m sat here writing this i know full well that the next 6 to 24 months is going to be an absolute breeze because rather than counting the days I will infact make the days count (I can’t stress that to myself enough right now). So much work and effort goes into the present moment i scarcely notice the time flying by such is my focused nature at this point. Yesterday and today at work 5 hours had flown by and I thought I’d only been here for maybe 2 hours because I’m not sat around waiting for my mind to travel some place it is all too familiar with. I AM NOT INTERESTED IN WHAT IS FAMILIAR. All I am focused on is doing something/something’s entirely new. Places I’ve never been, activities I’ve never tried, food I’ve never eaten - WHATEVER IT IS, it’s need to be absolutely unfamiliar. I say this because through that clarity and maturity I spoke of earlier I’ve realised that everything I’ve done in the past has not worked for me. It brought me an education but it didn’t fix the problem. Even as I’m writing this my testicles (even on day 2) are throbbing something awful yet it’s a pain or rather discomfort I’m totally comfortable with (refer to earlier post on cold showers).
The true point of this whole thread is this - we aren’t all going to get it right the first or even the third, fifth time but with each fall comes the opportunity to grow further and reach higher. Once that level of adult maturity has surfaced in the psyche, much less the strength and resolve that comes with it THEN we will be successful. That doesn’t mean you can’t get it right first time, some will some won’t. But those that don’t will only strengthen themselves to go further and harder the next time around. There isn’t light at the end of the tunnel, there is light where you look for it. We just need to allow ourselves the time and patience to find it. We can all kill this monster cold. And we all most certainly will!
Godspeed, strength and guidance!
