The Road Less Travelled

Shodan

Shodan

Member
Day 4 - at this point it’s almost easy to see why this here is ‘the road less travelled’. While there are many PMO addicts who aren’t aware of their issue, there are I believe many who are all too clear on their self-transgressions yet fail to act on them. As I said, even on day 4 the unforgiving darkness of the flatline is the real monster, not actually PMO itself. Here is where we discover not who we are, but who we have been all these years, lost in the wilderness we call ‘internet p***’. While it’s a horrible route to take in regards to healing it is infact the only one there is. If there was an easier way I’m sure we would all have been on board at the drop of a hat. Fortunately there is no other way than the hard way. I dare say fortunate because, in my opinion, this here path forces us either forwards OR backwards. Forced forwards into building ourselves to be people we have never been, 100% human in every sense. Strong-willed, strong-mentally, strong-spiritually, strong in every way. Or forced backwards, because of our rather silly ability or retreat to that which has been the ‘easy’ way all these years. Backwards because that dark, painful and lonely road is too dark, painful and lonely. Backwards because it would be easier to stay put than ‘sacrifice’ the short-term for the long-term jewels of real and genuine life. I’m sure we could all kick the shit out of ourselves for all the days, months, years of wasting our potential on images of people who will never know our names or that we even exist. But to what end? Only to stress ourselves out so much we relieve it the only way we’ve known how since our early teens. For me, it is much easier to consider the path ahead than look back. Because that, for me, IS the stressful part. I’d rather imagine the man I will become than think of the ‘man’ I have been and imagination is a powerful thing (don’t we all know it!). For now, one foot in front of the other is good enough because each step is further away from the sewer-like shithole I’ve been climbing out of. Yes, this path is the hard but as long as it is travelled we are climbing, the other way is to crawl back into that shithole and drown in the filth. It may not feel so good right now but that in itself is a good thing because the brain is healing and at this stage (day 4) that is the minimum I ask for. I mean, why else am I here.

We are who we become, not who we have been.

Godspeed brothers.
 
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Shodan

Shodan

Member
Day 10 - I feel less compelled to post here everyday. I feel it almost keeps me in the P mindset but the other side of it, the problematic side, the side which is all too clear I have a problem with. The side which I made a home for inside my own f*cking mind. Coming back here once a week is helping im posting progress reports once a week which lets me know 7 successful days have gone by. I don’t want to think either side of the PMO spectrum, I wants to rid myself of it once and for all. So again I’m here on day 10 ready to tear the monsters ahead limb from limb. Im quite pissed off today and I’m not entirely sure why, perhaps because my brain no longer has access to its usual coping mechanism. Well to my pysche - THATS TOUGH, DEAL WITH IT. Implode then explode but i will not travel backwards for there is nowhere behind that I have not already been. Not a single therein destination I want stamped on my new mental passport.

Fucking wreck myself to bring about the change we all seek! It may get worse before it gets better, I’ll become best friends with the flatline, easily. Because even the dreaded flatline phase is a greener pasture than the sewer I crawled out of. Day 10 - let’s fucking have it!

Godspeed.
 
Shodan

Shodan

Member
120 days today.

While I’m deeply encouraged by the number of clean days gone by I’m much more engaged by putting effort into the days as opposed to counting them. No it isn’t easy, not always but with time it has gotten easier. Over the last 4 months I’ve built healthy habits that I had no time or room for during my bingely state of mind. There’s still a long way to go, still much more work to put in, still stones I haven’t unturned but the process continues. It’s no longer me vs me, I’m not fighting with who and what I used to be, building the new is opposite of fighting the old. I guess it’s easier that way, the more I build on who I have become/am becoming the more the old, tired way becomes ever apparent that I was slowly killing my self. Very slowly. But now I am slowly giving life back to myself which is the greatest gift I can receive.

Godspeed to all of us, including me 🌱
 
Shodan

Shodan

Member
121 days.

The funny thing about this new trajectory I am is I can sort of see why certain happen, mentally physically. Last night I had me a nocturnal emission, the reason I don’t say wet dream is because there was no dream. Atleast not one I can remember anyway. If I did it was insignificant. The past few days I’ve struggled with fantasy. No p-fantasy but fantasising over women I’ve actually had sex with, women I know personally on a level - not just sexually. No urges to MO, I more have the urge to have sex than anything but I’m aware if I engage I may ultimately pay the price. I could say perhaps I have the resolve but until I’m absolutely certain I won’t mess with it. I know how that cookie crumbles.

Godspeed.
 
Androg

Androg

Administrator
Admin
Moderator
Sounds like your system was trying to push to find a partner...but finally just reset.
 
Androg

Androg

Administrator
Admin
Moderator
Not at all worried! I was just thinking back to a Q&A in Mantak Chia's Taoist Secrets of Love. Someone asked what to do if he kept having nocturnal emissions. Chia, a Taoist master, gave him some suggestions and then said that if it continued to "listen to your body and find a partner."

Sorry to have created uneasiness. Seems to me that you're doing great.
 
Shodan

Shodan

Member
Androg said:
Not at all worried! I was just thinking back to a Q&A in Mantak Chia's Taoist Secrets of Love. Someone asked what to do if he kept having nocturnal emissions. Chia, a Taoist master, gave him some suggestions and then said that if it continued to "listen to your body and find a partner."

Sorry to have created uneasiness. Seems to me that you're doing great.
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Aaah I see, I appreciate the feedback brother! I wasnt sure what the rest part meant there bro, thanks for clearing that up.

In recent weeks I’ve felt more compelled to seek out a sexual partner, I haven’t the urge to PMO. Those impulses are weak if they’re still active at all! I don’t even notice them if they are. PMO is the most undesirable behaviour known to me at this point and forever may that continue. I know MO isn’t the problem, PMO is but I’ve rubbed out so many over the years and came to the understanding that sex WITH A CONNECTION is far more satisfying than being sat in front of a screen memorising the names of people who will never know I even exist! It’s not the way anymore not that it ever was. Feeling healthier and stronger, more to do with me working out at the gym early morning to arrest any loose energy and now my diet is on point too. All things moving in the right direction.

Have a great day brother, Godspeed to you!
 
Shodan

Shodan

Member
123 days.

Feeling good, it’s familiar. I’ve been here before and way further past it too but unlike last time the effort goes into the days instead of just counting them. I am a little concerned however, whenever I talk to my lady friends and there are two I am in regular contact with, while the conversation is not at all sexual I seem to pre-cum quite abit. I’m not concerned as in I feel close to relapse because I have a deep conviction within that makes relapse completely out of the question. I know P is a sneaky little shit that likes to creep up in moments of vulnerability but that’s not going to happen because I remain vigilant. To be quite honest it doesn’t even require effort. Mentally, I find P the most unattractive thing, my brain could not force me to relapse if it tried everything it already hasn’t. P, in whatever form it takes, is dead to me. Dead and 123 days since buried. That is without question. While I’m aware I still have a way to go I can feel a real attraction to the opposite sex, in particular two women Ive known on a level for quite some time, had sex with and find very attractive, physically and mentally. Perhaps through neuro-association they were once instruments of pleasure but unto me now they are certainly more than that. Not sexual objects but real people with thoughts and feelings I am truly aware of. One of them I am taking a Spanish cruise with late next year. However my concern is that this real attraction may not be the healthiest way for me just yet. It may or may not be, I get really aroused when talking to or thinking of them and some of these thoughts can be intrusively sexual however NOT p-ographic (I refuse to even say or spell the word as it has no significance or relevance). Sexually-mentally I feel healthier but I’m aware I probably am not at full health. This season of healing is about me being 100% honest with myself, this grind won’t give me anything I have not healed from or worked my ass off to gain.

Am I right to be concerned in this regard? I’m not in any trouble or at all panicked, none whatsoever. But might I be slowing myself down?
 
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Androg

Androg

Administrator
Admin
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Shodan said:
123 days.

Feeling good, it’s familiar. I’ve been here before and way further past it too but unlike last time the effort goes into the days instead of just counting them. I am a little concerned however, whenever I talk to my lady friends and there are two I am in regular contact with, while the conversation is not at all sexual I seem to pre-cum quite abit. I’m not concerned as in I feel close to relapse because I have a deep conviction within that makes relapse completely out of the question. I know P is a sneaky little shit that likes to creep up in moments of vulnerability but that’s not going to happen because I remain vigilant. To be quite honest it doesn’t even require effort. Mentally, I find P the most unattractive thing, my brain could not force me to relapse if it tried everything it already hasn’t. P, in whatever form it takes, is dead to me. Dead and 123 days since buried. That is without question. While I’m aware I still have a way to go I can feel a real attraction to the opposite sex, in particular two women Ive known on a level for quite some time, had sex with and find very attractive, physically and mentally. Perhaps through neuro-association they were once instruments of pleasure but unto me now they are certainly more than that. Not sexual objects but real people with thoughts and feelings I am truly aware of. One of them I am taking a Spanish cruise with late next year. However my concern is that this real attraction may not be the healthiest way for me just yet. It may or may not be, I get really aroused when talking to or thinking of them and some of these thoughts can be intrusively sexual however NOT p-ographic (I refuse to even say or spell the word as it has no significance or relevance). Sexually-mentally I feel healthier but I’m aware I probably am not at full health. This season of healing is about me being 100% honest with myself, this grind won’t give me anything I have not healed from or worked my ass off to gain.

Am I right to be concerned in this regard? I’m not in any trouble or at all panicked, none whatsoever. But might I be slowing myself down?
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This sounds really healthy to me, and not a concern at all. Pre-cum is sexual lubricant. Your body is ready for action, whether or not you choose to act on it. That sounds very healthy.
 
Shodan

Shodan

Member
Androg said:
This sounds really healthy to me, and not a concern at all. Pre-cum is sexual lubricant. Your body is ready for action, whether or not you choose to act on it. That sounds very healthy.
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I appreciate the feedback yet again brother. It helps to settle my overthinking. I’m glad abit more each day that I will never have to climb this mountain ever again.

I hope you’re well.

Godspeed.
 
Shodan

Shodan

Member
I haven’t posted in a long time. I’ve not succumbed to any temptation even though I’ve had some rough days mentally (imagery, urges and the like) I’ve not smoked weed or cigarettes since October and I’m now the cleanest I’ve been my entire adult life. I’m at 295 days and man i am proud of myself.

You Spartans keep fighting the good fight. Every-single-one-of-you-and-us - AWOO AWOO AWOO! 🥷🏾
 
Shodan

Shodan

Member
1 year 1 month and 11 days - 11.11

I just made this observation as if being seeing it lately. I barely noticed the 1 year stage came as it’s been rough mentally these last few months. I’m not giving myself a pat on the back because I’ve been here before much further. I am however going to say this, I recently absorbed the fact I am an addict, I don’t just have a ‘problem with porn’. It’s no less an addiction than alcohol, drugs etc but probably far more damaging given it restructures the minds response to the real, human world. Man, haven’t I fucked my self right up using this gutter shite. I guess it further strengthens my resolve to never use it again regardless of my brains trickery. I haven’t got a lot to say but keep up the good work EVERYONE! You got this
 
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