Another go at this

[Leonidas]

Back again after a prolonged absence. I wish I weren't, but I guess it's the nature of bad habits: they will keep returning unless other habits were successfully cultivated to replace the maladaptive. There are probably an assortment of methods that can help with the patterns of addiction, but I don't think it's worthwhile for me to try them all or to formulate my own. Already in my mid-40's, I realize life is short: I am not in the shape I used to be, sometimes I feel misgivings about an internal organ or other, and between now and a 'healthy' end of life, anything can happen to cut it short by way of accident, cancer, heart disease or even abject poverty.

I don't want to inspire a feeling of impeding catastrophe for my own life.. but on the other hand, I'd like to deal with life events as they come, as awful as they may be, and hopefully finally tune in to a life philosophy that embraces balance, moderation, pleasure in the simplest experiences, respect for others but also a will to follow my own path free of limits imposed from without. Somewhere, I now the answer is there. We probably have the answer waiting patiently for us to uncover the cloud to reveal what was there all along. I see my return to writing on the forum as resuming my efforts to "remove the clouds".

Part of me wants to count days. Another part of me couldn't care less. Which one to trust? In the absence of a clear winner, I'll pick the lesser ego approach and NOT count days. I don't want to make this about sparking some pride in PMO-free marathon runs... my prime objective is clarity. Answering the 'why' I turn to the habit, what I'm escaping from, what I'm trying to resolve, what I'm compensating for. And then hopefully getting in the 'replacement' therapy: engaging in better habits.

That's all for now. Until the next thought process.

 

[Blondie]

Welcome back @Leonidas.

Yes, a life without porn is a beautiful thing.

Best

 

[guitar1968]

Part of me wants to count days. Another part of me couldn't care less. Which one to trust? In the absence of a clear winner, I'll pick the lesser ego approach and NOT count days. I don't want to make this about sparking some pride in PMO-free marathon runs... my prime objective is clarity. Answering the 'why' I turn to the habit, what I'm escaping from, what I'm trying to resolve, what I'm compensating for. And then hopefully getting in the 'replacement' therapy: engaging in better habits.

I like your approach here. I agree. At first, I would get into counting days almost like a game. See how far I can get. It hasn't really helped me. I'm just trying harder to take control and making better choices. Some weeks and months I do great, other times I have speed bumps. But we're here and we are all working towards a better us.

Good luck with your journey.

 

[Leonidas]

Thank you for the support, guys. I really do appreciate it.

I'm feeling no pull whatsoever to act out, so I'll use this period of calm to try to backpedal to the moment I last relapsed, which was last Sunday evening. One thing I distinctly remember was mental fog throughout the whole day. I had had poor sleep the night before, due to another one of my idiocies, playing the odd online game. While the act of playing itself isn't inherently bad, what did me in was going to bed at 3 in the morning, followed by anxiety-filled interrupted sleep bouts with tossing and turning, and then finding myself incapable of falling back asleep after 8. 5-ish hours (and bad ones at that) could pass as a slap in the wrist to a 20-year-old... but to this sorry 44-year-old ass, it felt like being hit by a train.

It's not difficult to imagine what a mess one can be under such a state. Also, I needed to do catch-up for my work, so I was really nicely set up to dive in! And of course the sour mood that goes along with being half-awake has a way of poisoning every relationship that crosses one's path... I really got to hand it to myself, that was excellent what I did. Just brilliant.

So if there is to be a silver lining, I would say that it made me all the more conscious that neglecting sleep means basically that I'm setting up my bad habits for success and my overall best interest for certain failure. This rule is almost universal in its application: I can tune to the economic news, and read comments such as: "... this economic catastrophe was the result of fiscal irresponsibility and poor planning...". Same goes for not preparing for a presentation, or a final exam. I forgot to think ahead to tomorrow, and paid for it. Hopefully now that I wrote it out loud, the lesson will linger in mind long enough to recall it for a next time.

 

[Leonidas]

I think I'll chime in for a weekly update. Not that weekly is the magical frequency the universe conveyed to me this morning via the bottom-of the-coffee-mug stain pattern. It's only a bankable in my eyes, a rule of thumb that I might adopt with room for ample adjustment. Let's not overdo this recovery thing, I chide myself. I've been there before, getting expansive about my progress, my life, how I'd finally figured out the best approach to recovery. Yeah, well expand all you like but at your own peril: it always came back to bite where I least expected it. And so the cycle endured...

I had mentioned earlier on that I don't really care for counting days. There's something a bit unfulfilling about that half-truth... for what I really should have said was, to be perfectly honest, that I simply don't care... about a lot of things. For the moment, I don't know what to make of that, it's got me confused and a little worried, but by no means is it spiriting me into action. I know some people tend to blame external events such as a pandemic for behavior changes and such... but this feels different. It's throwing the towel after trying to impress the world for so long. Not really a resignation either, more like a voice hushing into my ear: "Stop worrying about what you cannot change... let it be, let the river run its course". And so I heeded this simple advice... but at what cost?!

Two things. The voice is oddly reminiscent of the calm song of the Tibetan gong. But is this truly a contemplative experience, or negative Buddhism? I mean, as much as I like the idea of not caring for trifles, I still would like to care about something, at least now and then!! For much that I may celebrate in quelling useless sentiments that have led me astray in the past, life has seemed lackluster in the complete absence of wanting and longing. My second complaint: inevitably I would try to tie this in with: "See? Another thing porn has caused... " And now present me lashes back with: "Screw you, porn didn't do this... it's my perceived imbalance that makes me seek ways to compensate". I'm long past the old discussion of cause and effect. Porn ain't no cause. Porn is a symptom. And sometimes a crutch... yes as pathetic as that sounds, people like me might turn to it to test whether they can get aroused by watching attractive people do their thing.

I must say that out of the sinister enclave of porn contributors and consumers, sometimes and odd shoot juts out of the nondescript wilderness to reveal a 'performer' who presents themselves as 'compassionate', wanting to help and provide advice to "men who struggle with issues like self-acceptance and romance". It took me a while before I saw the gaming aspect of it. The patience, understanding, non-judgmental tone of the 'channel' made it quite unique compared to the hordes of run-of-the-mill pork-fest style productions... that was the pull and reel. And then one day I saw it: it's not really help that was on offer but rather a relationship of co-dependence: You can watch and fantasize with me, but you will come back again and again because you need me, she seemed to think out loud. Well that's excellent for her business model, but alas for the hapless followers 'tis another tale...

 

[Androg]

Sometimes you have to set aside your agenda to leave space for new inspiration. So, "let it be" could be the perfect motto for you, for now.

 

[Leonidas]

Interesting comment, Androg. I don't know what to make of that either! It's all very complicated and confusing, I wish the answer was more clear-cut. As for agendas... one could also argue that quitting porn IS an agenda! I like to see it this way: pursuing goals should be fine so long as it does not become obsessive or does not backfire, as could happen when someone becomes anxious or depressed over a failure to change a perceived shortcoming. Still I like the idea of "letting it be" for a while... it's a temporary shelter or safe haven of sorts... but sooner or later I just know that I'll have to step out of my comfort zone and deal with the world in the flesh so to speak.

Setback on Saturday. It all started with mental imagery and fantasy earlier on in the day. It lead to porn, but on the upside of it I chose not to cave in to hardcore... the episode might have lasted a half hour or so, to soft-core material..

What I'm trying to decipher is why this particular imagery came to visit me out of nowhere? The brain being the mess that it can be, I see no way of ever preventing these sorts of imagery from returning again... however what is in my grasp, is my ability to react to it. Rather than allow the imagery to fester in mind, I have a notion that next time this happens, I have to be like the prepared man of the house checking the lock, staying close by listening to the loud knocks on the door until the burglar/aggressive salesman gives up on his assault and goes away. Most often, the porn-induced drive (or fantasy) behaves a bit like that salesman: it will insist and insist again... and it's the insistence that makes it so easy to give in to temptation and open the door. With the internal promise that it will be quick, just to tell them we're not interested that he'd be wiser to try with someplace else, etc.. but of course doing this actually gives the salesman a chance to put foot to the door, and by then the game has become much harder to win. I suppose this parable of the salesman is a reference to the devil, but I don't mean to disparage the sales profession!

So a little of bad news yes, but oddly enough an interesting silver lining. Next step: what will I do next time I hear the loud knocks and the soothing promises coming from the other side of the door?

 

[Androg]

Definitely don't set aside the "quitting" agenda!

Learning to shift your attention from something unhelpful is a life skill you will never regret developing.