Another go at this

[Leonidas]

Back again after a prolonged absence. I wish I weren't, but I guess it's the nature of bad habits: they will keep returning unless other habits were successfully cultivated to replace the maladaptive. There are probably an assortment of methods that can help with the patterns of addiction, but I don't think it's worthwhile for me to try them all or to formulate my own. Already in my mid-40's, I realize life is short: I am not in the shape I used to be, sometimes I feel misgivings about an internal organ or other, and between now and a 'healthy' end of life, anything can happen to cut it short by way of accident, cancer, heart disease or even abject poverty.

I don't want to inspire a feeling of impeding catastrophe for my own life.. but on the other hand, I'd like to deal with life events as they come, as awful as they may be, and hopefully finally tune in to a life philosophy that embraces balance, moderation, pleasure in the simplest experiences, respect for others but also a will to follow my own path free of limits imposed from without. Somewhere, I now the answer is there. We probably have the answer waiting patiently for us to uncover the cloud to reveal what was there all along. I see my return to writing on the forum as resuming my efforts to "remove the clouds".

Part of me wants to count days. Another part of me couldn't care less. Which one to trust? In the absence of a clear winner, I'll pick the lesser ego approach and NOT count days. I don't want to make this about sparking some pride in PMO-free marathon runs... my prime objective is clarity. Answering the 'why' I turn to the habit, what I'm escaping from, what I'm trying to resolve, what I'm compensating for. And then hopefully getting in the 'replacement' therapy: engaging in better habits.

That's all for now. Until the next thought process.

 

[Blondie]

Welcome back @Leonidas.

Yes, a life without porn is a beautiful thing.

Best

 

[guitar1968]

Part of me wants to count days. Another part of me couldn't care less. Which one to trust? In the absence of a clear winner, I'll pick the lesser ego approach and NOT count days. I don't want to make this about sparking some pride in PMO-free marathon runs... my prime objective is clarity. Answering the 'why' I turn to the habit, what I'm escaping from, what I'm trying to resolve, what I'm compensating for. And then hopefully getting in the 'replacement' therapy: engaging in better habits.

I like your approach here. I agree. At first, I would get into counting days almost like a game. See how far I can get. It hasn't really helped me. I'm just trying harder to take control and making better choices. Some weeks and months I do great, other times I have speed bumps. But we're here and we are all working towards a better us.

Good luck with your journey.

 

[Leonidas]

Thank you for the support, guys. I really do appreciate it.

I'm feeling no pull whatsoever to act out, so I'll use this period of calm to try to backpedal to the moment I last relapsed, which was last Sunday evening. One thing I distinctly remember was mental fog throughout the whole day. I had had poor sleep the night before, due to another one of my idiocies, playing the odd online game. While the act of playing itself isn't inherently bad, what did me in was going to bed at 3 in the morning, followed by anxiety-filled interrupted sleep bouts with tossing and turning, and then finding myself incapable of falling back asleep after 8. 5-ish hours (and bad ones at that) could pass as a slap in the wrist to a 20-year-old... but to this sorry 44-year-old ass, it felt like being hit by a train.

It's not difficult to imagine what a mess one can be under such a state. Also, I needed to do catch-up for my work, so I was really nicely set up to dive in! And of course the sour mood that goes along with being half-awake has a way of poisoning every relationship that crosses one's path... I really got to hand it to myself, that was excellent what I did. Just brilliant.

So if there is to be a silver lining, I would say that it made me all the more conscious that neglecting sleep means basically that I'm setting up my bad habits for success and my overall best interest for certain failure. This rule is almost universal in its application: I can tune to the economic news, and read comments such as: "... this economic catastrophe was the result of fiscal irresponsibility and poor planning...". Same goes for not preparing for a presentation, or a final exam. I forgot to think ahead to tomorrow, and paid for it. Hopefully now that I wrote it out loud, the lesson will linger in mind long enough to recall it for a next time.

 

[Leonidas]

I think I'll chime in for a weekly update. Not that weekly is the magical frequency the universe conveyed to me this morning via the bottom-of the-coffee-mug stain pattern. It's only a bankable in my eyes, a rule of thumb that I might adopt with room for ample adjustment. Let's not overdo this recovery thing, I chide myself. I've been there before, getting expansive about my progress, my life, how I'd finally figured out the best approach to recovery. Yeah, well expand all you like but at your own peril: it always came back to bite where I least expected it. And so the cycle endured...

I had mentioned earlier on that I don't really care for counting days. There's something a bit unfulfilling about that half-truth... for what I really should have said was, to be perfectly honest, that I simply don't care... about a lot of things. For the moment, I don't know what to make of that, it's got me confused and a little worried, but by no means is it spiriting me into action. I know some people tend to blame external events such as a pandemic for behavior changes and such... but this feels different. It's throwing the towel after trying to impress the world for so long. Not really a resignation either, more like a voice hushing into my ear: "Stop worrying about what you cannot change... let it be, let the river run its course". And so I heeded this simple advice... but at what cost?!

Two things. The voice is oddly reminiscent of the calm song of the Tibetan gong. But is this truly a contemplative experience, or negative Buddhism? I mean, as much as I like the idea of not caring for trifles, I still would like to care about something, at least now and then!! For much that I may celebrate in quelling useless sentiments that have led me astray in the past, life has seemed lackluster in the complete absence of wanting and longing. My second complaint: inevitably I would try to tie this in with: "See? Another thing porn has caused... " And now present me lashes back with: "Screw you, porn didn't do this... it's my perceived imbalance that makes me seek ways to compensate". I'm long past the old discussion of cause and effect. Porn ain't no cause. Porn is a symptom. And sometimes a crutch... yes as pathetic as that sounds, people like me might turn to it to test whether they can get aroused by watching attractive people do their thing.

I must say that out of the sinister enclave of porn contributors and consumers, sometimes and odd shoot juts out of the nondescript wilderness to reveal a 'performer' who presents themselves as 'compassionate', wanting to help and provide advice to "men who struggle with issues like self-acceptance and romance". It took me a while before I saw the gaming aspect of it. The patience, understanding, non-judgmental tone of the 'channel' made it quite unique compared to the hordes of run-of-the-mill pork-fest style productions... that was the pull and reel. And then one day I saw it: it's not really help that was on offer but rather a relationship of co-dependence: You can watch and fantasize with me, but you will come back again and again because you need me, she seemed to think out loud. Well that's excellent for her business model, but alas for the hapless followers 'tis another tale...

 

[Androg]

Sometimes you have to set aside your agenda to leave space for new inspiration. So, "let it be" could be the perfect motto for you, for now.

 

[Leonidas]

Interesting comment, Androg. I don't know what to make of that either! It's all very complicated and confusing, I wish the answer was more clear-cut. As for agendas... one could also argue that quitting porn IS an agenda! I like to see it this way: pursuing goals should be fine so long as it does not become obsessive or does not backfire, as could happen when someone becomes anxious or depressed over a failure to change a perceived shortcoming. Still I like the idea of "letting it be" for a while... it's a temporary shelter or safe haven of sorts... but sooner or later I just know that I'll have to step out of my comfort zone and deal with the world in the flesh so to speak.

Setback on Saturday. It all started with mental imagery and fantasy earlier on in the day. It lead to porn, but on the upside of it I chose not to cave in to hardcore... the episode might have lasted a half hour or so, to soft-core material..

What I'm trying to decipher is why this particular imagery came to visit me out of nowhere? The brain being the mess that it can be, I see no way of ever preventing these sorts of imagery from returning again... however what is in my grasp, is my ability to react to it. Rather than allow the imagery to fester in mind, I have a notion that next time this happens, I have to be like the prepared man of the house checking the lock, staying close by listening to the loud knocks on the door until the burglar/aggressive salesman gives up on his assault and goes away. Most often, the porn-induced drive (or fantasy) behaves a bit like that salesman: it will insist and insist again... and it's the insistence that makes it so easy to give in to temptation and open the door. With the internal promise that it will be quick, just to tell them we're not interested that he'd be wiser to try with someplace else, etc.. but of course doing this actually gives the salesman a chance to put foot to the door, and by then the game has become much harder to win. I suppose this parable of the salesman is a reference to the devil, but I don't mean to disparage the sales profession!

So a little of bad news yes, but oddly enough an interesting silver lining. Next step: what will I do next time I hear the loud knocks and the soothing promises coming from the other side of the door?

 

[Androg]

Definitely don't set aside the "quitting" agenda!

Learning to shift your attention from something unhelpful is a life skill you will never regret developing.

 

[Leonidas]

A bit of an absence from the board. But all in all, doing ok with this fight. Currently about 2 weeks free of porn consumption. I don't sense it as a fight (it's more smooth sailing for now), but it does feel like a fight when one is struggling against lust. I believe lust and porn use are very distinct features of what might contribute to porn addiction. Porn use is a lot like junk food, or junk TV, junk culture or junk values for that matter. Lust? That's been around since time immemorial... it is the energy that motivates a person to get more intimate with another. A biologist might say it is the "fodder for reproduction" or "Nature's way of encouraging the survival of the species". Then again, Christian scripture would designate it as a great temptation or a cardinal sin. I'm still unsure how to appraise lust... but I gather that it's a fine line between the Christian philosophical imperative and the dismissive wave of the hand from the pure scientific perspective.

But curious I am of how lust might interplay with porn. Does one increase the other and vice versa? Is porn use a "downstream" consequence of lust? Or does the reverse work just as well? I'm trying to figure out what place lust deserves in my life. It clearly won't go anywhere, but it will lose power over time as I get older. The way I might relegate something like admiring the beauty of nature for example, to 6th or 7th in the list of my priorities... although important, it is not so all-consuming as to cripple everyday life. Admiring the beauty of nature is necessary for keeping a composed and nourished spirit, but it will never devolve into an out of control passion that eats away at other life-affirming priorities. I compare lust along similar lines; it has a place in a human life, but its role should be left as secondary, in the same way that an extra in a movie might be called up now and then to appear here and there to fill in some gaps.

I think seeing lust in that light is encouraging to me because it takes a lot of the fear away from it. Lust might come back to haunt me later, might even provoke a full PMO episode, but I know that if in the long term I don't see it as occupying or playing a big role in my life, then I don't have to make that big a deal of little setbacks. It's the long-term decision that it won't be that important... that in a sense fulfils the prophecy and decimates the threat and fear it could ever inspire. And am I wrong in assuming that one of the greatest goals in life is to learn the art of living without fear? That to me is true freedom.

 

[Androg]

A bit of an absence from the board. But all in all, doing ok with this fight. Currently about 2 weeks free of porn consumption. I don't sense it as a fight (it's more smooth sailing for now), but it does feel like a fight when one is struggling against lust. I believe lust and porn use are very distinct features of what might contribute to porn addiction. Porn use is a lot like junk food, or junk TV, junk culture or junk values for that matter. Lust? That's been around since time immemorial... it is the energy that motivates a person to get more intimate with another. A biologist might say it is the "fodder for reproduction" or "Nature's way of encouraging the survival of the species". Then again, Christian scripture would designate it as a great temptation or a cardinal sin. I'm still unsure how to appraise lust... but I gather that it's a fine line between the Christian philosophical imperative and the dismissive wave of the hand from the pure scientific perspective.

But curious I am of how lust might interplay with porn. Does one increase the other and vice versa? Is porn use a "downstream" consequence of lust? Or does the reverse work just as well? I'm trying to figure out what place lust deserves in my life. It clearly won't go anywhere, but it will lose power over time as I get older. The way I might relegate something like admiring the beauty of nature for example, to 6th or 7th in the list of my priorities... although important, it is not so all-consuming as to cripple everyday life. Admiring the beauty of nature is necessary for keeping a composed and nourished spirit, but it will never devolve into an out of control passion that eats away at other life-affirming priorities. I compare lust along similar lines; it has a place in a human life, but its role should be left as secondary, in the same way that an extra in a movie might be called up now and then to appear here and there to fill in some gaps.

I think seeing lust in that light is encouraging to me because it takes a lot of the fear away from it. Lust might come back to haunt me later, might even provoke a full PMO episode, but I know that if in the long term I don't see it as occupying or playing a big role in my life, then I don't have to make that big a deal of little setbacks. It's the long-term decision that it won't be that important... that in a sense fulfils the prophecy and decimates the threat and fear it could ever inspire. And am I wrong in assuming that one of the greatest goals in life is to learn the art of living without fear? That to me is true freedom.

Personally, I think it is more helpful to distinguish between true libido on the one hand, which is healthy, and cravings, which are a feature of compulsive use. They are not the same.

Many men figure this out after they have quit porn, and their libidos become enthusiastic, but more manageable. I think a good book that will help you understand this distinction is the one called Your Brain on Porn by Wilson.

Also, although porn may have been around a long time, Internet porn, with its endless novelty, and the ability to escalate to extreme material instantly has not. It is for riskier for users.

 

[Percival]

Also, although porn may have been around a long time, Internet porn, with its endless novelty, and the ability to escalate to extreme material instantly has not. It is for riskier for users.

I'm too young to remember porn in the Playboy era, or before, but I agree. Now there's always more out there, and it's very easy to escalate. Even if you're only looking the free porn.

Lust never goes away; indeed, in its proper place, it's a good thing. Lusting for your wife is perfectly fine. Sexual drive is much like the drive to eat: in moderation, in the proper amount and place, etc. Too much, in the wrong way, is bad for your health (and turns into a self-perpetuating downward spiral, too). As best as I can tell, most people have some fatal flaw in their character: anger, lazyness, gluttony, alcohol, etc. For us, it's lust.

 

[Leonidas]

Personally, I think it is more helpful to distinguish between true libido on the one hand, which is healthy, and cravings, which are a feature of compulsive use. They are not the same.

Many men figure this out after they have quit porn, and their libidos become enthusiastic, but more manageable. I think a good book that will help you understand this distinction is the one called Your Brain on Porn by Wilson.

Also, although porn may have been around a long time, Internet porn, with its endless novelty, and the ability to escalate to extreme material instantly has not. It is for riskier for users.

Thanks Androg! I think in terms of differentiating between these two isn't easy for me at this time. But that time will come. As for the Wilson book, did not read it but I remember consulting his web page (of the same title) and seeing his presentation. The book seems to condense those materials, from what I heard people say back in the day, circa 7-8 years ago.

I'm too young to remember porn in the Playboy era, or before, but I agree. Now there's always more out there, and it's very easy to escalate. Even if you're only looking the free porn.

Lust never goes away; indeed, in its proper place, it's a good thing. Lusting for your wife is perfectly fine. Sexual drive is much like the drive to eat: in moderation, in the proper amount and place, etc. Too much, in the wrong way, is bad for your health (and turns into a self-perpetuating downward spiral, too). As best as I can tell, most people have some fatal flaw in their character: anger, lazyness, gluttony, alcohol, etc. For us, it's lust.

Very interesting what you said at the very end: now that I think of it, maybe lust is one of my character flaws. Part of it is devastating news (is humanity doomed to be flawed?) but part offers a fresh shoot of hope. I've seen people riddled by anger go through treatment, continue with self-management, and come out of it as transformed individuals. You may have heard similar stories about former drug users & alcoholics never again coming near any of these substances.

I like to see it this way: the character flaw might be like some cancerous tumor that suddenly appears out of nowhere. It was never meant to happen naturally, but some unforeseen event made it pop up. I couldn't imagine why it would be natural for a child to become obese 10 years down the line... maybe it was due to some trauma or to some friends introducing him early on to the pleasures of junk food. Or for a healthy mom to develop a gambling addiction... surely, that wasn't written into her genes. A possible explanation is the interplay between environment and the person's psychological vulnerabilities that produces the character flaw? Who knows, that's just my best guess... The good news is that because the flaw is acquired, there are ways to actively work for a cure, the same way one would undergo treatment to remove a cancer.

Thanks for bringing this up! It's changed my perspective: I'm more motivated now to investigate what led me to over-develop lust in the first place..

 

[Leonidas]

Two week update: still in this fight, regardless of the past month's setbacks. Sometimes it only takes a little whisper to push one in the direction of PMO. It takes a bit of extra effort to tell myself: "it's late, time to go to bed". I mean, who wants to miss out on an extra hour or so of activity? But then whispers will come in to confuse everything, open up the door to relapse. Late night activities can be done... however in my experience, they only ever work when I've made a deliberate intention earlier in the day to set aside time for them. They have to be planned. Hoping to improvise late night activities at the very last minute is going to invite rationalisation in the form of "give yourself some fun now, save the activity for tomorrow!". And this is none other than the voice of the devil.

Psychologically, I am without apprehension of relapsing to PMO... in spite of the slips last month. Why? Because in the last month, I had the opportunity to sign myself up for a personal project, one that comes with immense challenges but with plentiful rewards if successful. This goes well beyond the ephemeral pleasures of everyday life: it's the kind of thing that can only be done every 6-7 years. The only apprehension I may have is to not devote sufficient time in the preparation needed to carry out this dream to fruition. Clock is ticking: I have about 2 months to make this work. Beyond that and I will have missed a chance and would need to push it back for another year. But given our crazy times, it would be much better for it to work this year... lest another man-made calamity should hold humanity hostage yet again.

I would like to give a shout out to everyone on this board committed to fight their inner demons and grasp life the way it was meant to be lived. May you all be blessed in that pursuit! Also, I want to give thanks to @Gordon 7 for his frequent contributions. I understand his Christian-based approach may not be everyone's cup of tea, but where I am concerned throughout my years of reading addiction-related forums, I've never come across anything so comprehensive in the fight against the PMO temptation. It's a whole other level; seen through the lens of spirituality, morality and mental preparedness for battle, of the kind any soldier would need to confront an onrushing foe. It really does appear to be a battle to the death, between the forces of good versus the forces of evil. And working towards victory takes effort! So much of it... and what I believe makes it easier to renew motivation and commitment is to believe in a supernatural power that is disposed to lead the way forward... if one lets it.

 

[Androg]

Two week update: still in this fight, regardless of the past month's setbacks. Sometimes it only takes a little whisper to push one in the direction of PMO. It takes a bit of extra effort to tell myself: "it's late, time to go to bed". I mean, who wants to miss out on an extra hour or so of activity? But then whispers will come in to confuse everything, open up the door to relapse. Late night activities can be done... however in my experience, they only ever work when I've made a deliberate intention earlier in the day to set aside time for them. They have to be planned. Hoping to improvise late night activities at the very last minute is going to invite rationalisation in the form of "give yourself some fun now, save the activity for tomorrow!". And this is none other than the voice of the devil.

Psychologically, I am without apprehension of relapsing to PMO... in spite of the slips last month. Why? Because in the last month, I had the opportunity to sign myself up for a personal project, one that comes with immense challenges but with plentiful rewards if successful. This goes well beyond the ephemeral pleasures of everyday life: it's the kind of thing that can only be done every 6-7 years. The only apprehension I may have is to not devote sufficient time in the preparation needed to carry out this dream to fruition. Clock is ticking: I have about 2 months to make this work. Beyond that and I will have missed a chance and would need to push it back for another year. But given our crazy times, it would be much better for it to work this year... lest another man-made calamity should hold humanity hostage yet again.

I would like to give a shout out to everyone on this board committed to fight their inner demons and grasp life the way it was meant to be lived. May you all be blessed in that pursuit! Also, I want to give thanks to @Gordon 7 for his frequent contributions. I understand his Christian-based approach may not be everyone's cup of tea, but where I am concerned throughout my years of reading addiction-related forums, I've never come across anything so comprehensive in the fight against the PMO temptation. It's a whole other level; seen through the lens of spirituality, morality and mental preparedness for battle, of the kind any soldier would need to confront an onrushing foe. It really does appear to be a battle to the death, between the forces of good versus the forces of evil. And working towards victory takes effort! So much of it... and what I believe makes it easier to renew motivation and commitment is to believe in a supernatural power that is disposed to lead the way forward... if one lets it.

Good luck with your big project.

 

[Percival]

I like to see it this way: the character flaw might be like some cancerous tumor that suddenly appears out of nowhere. It was never meant to happen naturally, but some unforeseen event made it pop up.

It seems to me that everyone has the ability to behave perfectly, all the time---we can all choose not to eat too many cookies, in other words---but none of us can quite manage to do it all the time. That's why to err is human. And I think we all have some temptation that especially affects us. Gluttony is just not a temptation for me, because I just don't like that over-full feeling, but it's a real problem for many people. Or kleptomania: stealing just to steal is a real issue for some people, but just isn't for me. Or alcohol: lots of people can drink and not become alcoholics, but some slide off the deep end. The list goes on and on.

Pornography and sexuality is all around all of us, yet---so far as I can tell---most people don't overdo it. But some, like me and everyone else here, do. Speaking only for myself: there's no particular reason I'm especially vulnerable. No abuse in my past, no evil conniving women who warped my view of them, no failed marriages, not even any dead bedroom experiences. It would be nice to have something to blame it on, but I've concluded that for me, it's just that I really, really like to look at women. Exactly like some people really, really like to eat chocolate ice cream. And I have done the yo-yo diet too.

So I've accepted that lust is the big flaw in my character, my persistent sin, and there will probably no conquering point, when I can say that it's been solved and is no longer a problem for me. It'll always be there, and I'll just keep on working on it.

 

[Leonidas]

Pornography and sexuality is all around all of us, yet---so far as I can tell---most people don't overdo it. But some, like me and everyone else here, do. Speaking only for myself: there's no particular reason I'm especially vulnerable. No abuse in my past, no evil conniving women who warped my view of them, no failed marriages, not even any dead bedroom experiences. It would be nice to have something to blame it on, but I've concluded that for me, it's just that I really, really like to look at women. Exactly like some people really, really like to eat chocolate ice cream. And I have done the yo-yo diet too.

So I've accepted that lust is the big flaw in my character, my persistent sin, and there will probably no conquering point, when I can say that it's been solved and is no longer a problem for me. It'll always be there, and I'll just keep on working on it.

Percival, I like the thought process that brought you to that conclusion. I can tell you've thought about this for a long time. It made me think of this line in a movie about a teetotaling woman who had been alcohol-free for 10 years, and yet the narrator concludes with confident aplomb: "Of course, she's still an addict". In spite of a decade of no slip... that's one heck of a charge! It does feel like a life sentence doesn't it?! And so with us and pornography. Even if I were to stand and declare 2 years PMO free or something like it, in the back of my mind it wouldn't be over... I'd still have a lingering worry that I might descend into the abyss once more if ever I were to drop my guard.

Where I might disagree with you however is that I believe there IS a way to break the chain that supposedly links us forever to the 'sin', which in this case happens to be lust. I'm sure some of us have found success via a particular "life" method or through psychotherapy... but none of these methods have worked so far for me. I know what the missing key is; but what I will say here might turn you or others off. I'll say it anyhow: my take is that lust can be subdued and brought down to a more baseline level on one condition: total surrender to God. It's taken me a while to arrive at the conclusion that my indulgences in fantasy and porn was in a way like inviting the devil into my life again and again. The devil can take root in each and every one of us... and this point comes to life in most if not all of the Dostoevsky novels. Any one of us has the capacity to do great harm, but thankfully most of us temper those inclinations to seek the light of wisdom (through prayer or meditation)... and in so doing the ego is put in check and what comes out instead is love!

I'm not trying to say that I uncovered the 'riddle' or anything. Only that nothing short of that kind of commitment is it going to take for me to resolve the problem. And this 'surrender' I spoke of is probably the hardest step since I have been an agnostic/atheist for my entire life.. until lately.

 

[Leonidas]

It's Sunday evening. Tired after a busy week and weekend. Just a bit of time let before bedtime. I have heard voices in the past whisper into my ear: "Comon, one little treat to some sensual video or two.. where's the harm? It'll help me deal with any left over stress", I reason (rationalise).

Freeze frame. Rewind to earlier this morning as I went grocery shopping. I enter a Chinese food market, head straight for the fruits and veggies section and as I stroll, I suddenly feel the inexorable magnetic pull of the ugliest fruit ever eaten by man. As I pass it by, the Dourian stares right back at me in its spiky contoured glory. One detail: anyone familiar with the Asian fruit will eventually talk about its smell. Or stench rather. Think "garbage juice" or the fierce smelling slime that often trails off leaky garbage trucks. As offensive as the smell is, I can't deny the Dourian's mystique: a part of me wants to have it (will it live up to the hype? You see, I've never had the pleasure...) The wiser part of me begs me to break off course and look out for other fruit. But there I was, under a dizzying spell as though stuck in a house of horrors, riveted to the worst thing on display.

Flash forward back to present, unfreeze frame. I have this epiphany: porn is lot like Dourians. They're both attention-grabbers, they both stink (one literally the other figuratively) and they kinda produce a fork in the road, a decision needs to made. Do I give in to it, or pass? What will it be? Tonight I'll be better off without. And those wondering, how I broke the spell with the Dourian earlier on at the market? My eyes wandered towards the price tag and lo and behold it was going for 13$ the pound!! Way, way, waaay over budget... "Sorry!", said I, "smell ya later, stinkster!" That may have been the end of the story as far as the Dourian is concerned... but alas for porn 'tis another tale. I'm afraid the cost of treating onself to porn is much much greater than any odd loose change. Let me keep in mind the heavy cost porn can devastate upon me next time I contemplate it...

 

[Androg]

It's Sunday evening. Tired after a busy week and weekend. Just a bit of time let before bedtime. I have heard voices in the past whisper into my ear: "Comon, one little treat to some sensual video or two.. where's the harm? It'll help me deal with any left over stress", I reason (rationalise).

Freeze frame. Rewind to earlier this morning as I went grocery shopping. I enter a Chinese food market, head straight for the fruits and veggies section and as I stroll, I suddenly feel the inexorable magnetic pull of the ugliest fruit ever eaten by man. As I pass it by, the Dourian stares right back at me in its spiky contoured glory. One detail: anyone familiar with the Asian fruit will eventually talk about its smell. Or stench rather. Think "garbage juice" or the fierce smelling slime that often trails off leaky garbage trucks. As offensive as the smell is, I can't deny the Dourian's mystique: a part of me wants to have it (will it live up to the hype? You see, I've never had the pleasure...) The wiser part of me begs me to break off course and look out for other fruit. But there I was, under a dizzying spell as though stuck in a house of horrors, riveted to the worst thing on display.

Flash forward back to present, unfreeze frame. I have this epiphany: porn is lot like Dourians. They're both attention-grabbers, they both stink (one literally the other figuratively) and they kinda produce a fork in the road, a decision needs to made. Do I give in to it, or pass? What will it be? Tonight I'll be better off without. And those wondering, how I broke the spell with the Dourian earlier on at the market? My eyes wandered towards the price tag and lo and behold it was going for 13$ the pound!! Way, way, waaay over budget... "Sorry!", said I, "smell ya later, stinkster!" That may have been the end of the story as far as the Dourian is concerned... but alas for porn 'tis another tale. I'm afraid the cost of treating onself to porn is much much greater than any odd loose change. Let me keep in mind the heavy cost porn can devastate upon me next time I contemplate it...

Thanks for sharing your insights.

I particularly enjoyed, “smell you later stinkster!“

 

[Leonidas]

Man, almost 3 months have gone by. Crazy. Well, I'm back.

Open metaphor. Still not out of the woods. This nasty piece of habit can slither its way back at any moment's notice. Like a viper staying around the vicinity biding its time until it finds an opening or an unattended entrance. Close metaphor. How bad? It's bad that the problem has turned to a once a fortnight in frequency... but that isn't to minimize the problem of it happening once a month or even once a year. Even that is 'too much'.

As I perused the community journals, I noticed someone on the @guitar1968 thread mention an interesting concept: the idea of "porn not being an option". I forget the name of the poster, but what a memorable analogy. The idea being that when he left for a camping trip, there was no internet available. No internet therefore no porn. And it is the lack of an option that in turn brought the desire to watch down to 0. Keeping this state of affairs in mind, now imagine coming back down to the city and reintegrating everyday life, with home internet. At first and for several months, one would likely continue on a similar path (remembering that until recently, there was no access to porn). One misstep, and that's like re-opening the door to "porn being possible again". If ever there was an 'aha' moment for me, this would be it.

The question is then how to carry the momentum of "porn is not possible" (physical boundary) to something more long term and stable: "porn is not an option" (mental boundary)? My guess is that there is a way to do this. But for it to work, I would need to fall into the belief that I can create this mental boundary which will stop porn from being available to me. And this is what I would call a 'leap of faith'. Now I'm convinced. It really should boil down to that decision. The decision to commit to the belief that I can effectively make porn inaccessible to me for the rest of my life. Can I believe in that?

 

[Androg]

You're thinking of Blondie's signature perhaps.