Cultivating insight


I've been having the hardest time getting this journal started. It's now been 3 weeks since I first opened this page and began writing. Now I scraped everything I had written and am now beginning anew, from scratch.

I hope that, along with my sexual reboot, me and my life will regain coherence, drive, force and stability.

I am writing these words with a troubled mind, burdened with frustration. Before anything else, let's see how far I am on the path to recovery :

No Porn : 36 days​
No Masturbation : 23 days​
No Orgasm : 2 days​
So, no watching porn for more than a month? Fair, fair, that can't be bad. No masturbation, for a bit more than 3 weeks? Yes, good, and before very long, I will have made it to a month without it - and will now be aiming for 2 months, and beyond... and now. No orgasm, 2 days. Wtf? Well, to be honest, while I was certain I wanted to abstain from masturbating and attaining orgasm (only myself involved), I wasn't too sure what to think about attaining orgasm with a partner. Well, now I know.

Two days ago, I had sex with my ex. I mostly regret it, although some perverted part of me keeps playing back the images of the scenes of that moment and it's making me crave for some more. BUT! The only part of me wishing to do it again is the addict in me, addicted to watching/wanting/feeling fetishes that still turn me on. But. Let's be honest and sincere here : I truly feel like shit. Yesterday was pretty damn bad. Today is even worse.

This bad feeling is certainly linked with a rather... awkward conversation me and my ex had after the act. I feel so bad about it that I don't even wanna write about it for now. But I believe my bad feeling is also linked with me releasing so much of my lifeforce.... I mean, I had been retaining for 21 days or 3 weeks. Now I must build it all again from scratch!

Oh and interesting enough, I had told my ex about my abstaining process. But she didn't seem to believe in my motives. I'm saying this because I would have liked some more support from her. But, to be honest, I wasn't too sure what to this about doing it with a partner. Now I know. And, although I sure hope for the best support around me, it is my responsibility to remain strong and upright.

No Orgasm, Day 2. Ugh. Frustrating, yes, but it can only get better. With greater insight.

- Insight.2


Would she try a more tantric approach with you? That's sometimes helpful during recovery. Intimacy is beneficial. But if orgasm is causing a nasty hangover (or "chaser", you two might want to experiment with another approach for now.


Interesting that you're mentioning Tantra, Androg, for my partner herself described a couple of times our times together as "tantric". Now, I think I kinda get what she means - the care, the fluidity, the attention - yet I still don't feel like I have good knowledge about what Tantra is. In any case, I am pretty sure any orgasm is detrimental for me at the moment, and I have the impression that while I'm still in my "nasty hangover", intimacy is a concept that will remain virtual to me.


Oh and as for the chaser effect, yup I definitely noticed it!! As a guy said on the nofap faq page for the chaser effect,

Or, more likely, [since my last orgasm] my willpower to resist has declined a ton.

But oh well. I'm hanging there. Gonna make it back up. (y)