Here's to another try

Androg

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Most psychologists have been trained that addiction can't be the problem, and that clients must have other issues. But they are simply wrong. Today's internet activities are very addictive for many. Good luck.
 

nothing

Member
Thanks Androg! Thanks for the response.

Hoping I luck out with my next therapist then! I do think that in my case PMO doesn't exist in a vacuum. It's closely related to other dysfunctional aspects of my life. So I don't mind working on those at the same time. Plus I think having a physical person to talk to and at least verbalize my frustration with will probably help too. There's so much shame I feel about taking all the wonderful things I have been given and royally fucking it all up because of this PMO. That shame comes with a lot of self hatred. I am hoping talking to a therapist, and in fact updating this thread, will help in that regard.

Also, really cool video linked to your answer. Watching it now. Thanks!
 

nothing

Member
Woke up feeling decent. Usually the morning after a relapse I find it hard to get out of bed. But unloading my thoughts on this thread here last night must have helped. Here's to a happy PMO free Friday!
 

nothing

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It's crazy how many triggers are just on YouTube. Maybe it's just my porn addled brain. And of course eventually I want to get to a point where it doesn't even register in my head as a trigger. But at the moment I think it's best to reduce the time spent with internet media. The day overall was not my most productive. But I also didn't relapse so that's a win.
 

nothing

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Ended up relapsing last night and again this afternoon. What led to the relapse was my inability to fall asleep. I tend to get restless when I can't sleep and I somehow convince myself that PMO will help me fall asleep. But it never does. I actually end up staying up longer after relapsing than I would have if I'd just remained lying with my eyes closed.

I have tried building a better sleep routine several times over the years but I always give up before the routine becomes a habit. I briefly had some success with taking magnesium pills before sleep. I think I will order some more of that and hope it helps me fall asleep faster.

Bedtime is probably the most frequent time of relapse for me, followed by after lunch.
 

Androg

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Ended up relapsing last night and again this afternoon. What led to the relapse was my inability to fall asleep. I tend to get restless when I can't sleep and I somehow convince myself that PMO will help me fall asleep. But it never does. I actually end up staying up longer after relapsing than I would have if I'd just remained lying with my eyes closed.

I have tried building a better sleep routine several times over the years but I always give up before the routine becomes a habit. I briefly had some success with taking magnesium pills before sleep. I think I will order some more of that and hope it helps me fall asleep faster.

Bedtime is probably the most frequent time of relapse for me, followed by after lunch.
Good insights. Exercising during the day also tends to improve sleep. But maybe you are already doing that.
 

nothing

Member
Had an excellent 4 days. Did not relapse. Did not have urges. Love my new place and am feeling a lot more positive about my work. Slept well last night too.

However, I had a bit of a hiccup this afternoon while pursuing a direction in a work project that I thought would be productive but turned out to possibly be a dead end. In the past I used to numb disappointment like this with PMO. But I am no longer going to do that. It's okay to be disappointed every once in a while. If it works out it's great, if it doesn't, it doesn't. It's not the end of the world. I will feel sad for a little bit but I can always take a walk, read a book, do a whole bunch of other things to make myself feel better again. Use the coping mechanisms of a well adjusted adult. Instead of flinching away from the discomfort like a child.

I also am feeling some urges following a conversation with some friends about girls. Tonight and tomorrow morning could possibly be a little challenging. But I genuinely believe I can make it. This is just the first real challenge of my new reboot. And I only have to beat it once. Then I'll know I am capable of winning.
 

nothing

Member
Having some waves of urges. I need to remind myself that PMO never feels as good as it seems in my head.

It also helps to break the illusion about these camgirls and pornstars being sex goddesses. They are normal human beings with normal concerns, just trying to make some cash. Somehow humanizing them weakens the urges.

I want to enjoy my life with all its ups and downs, with a natural level of stimulation. PMO is the antithesis to that. It numbs me from the beautiful things around me.
 

nothing

Member
Day 5 has been the hardest so far. The reptilian part of my brain is so sneaky. It deliberately hides away the strong rationale I have for giving up porn. Just now I caught myself thinking (not very consciously) that I should just give up and get it over with. That way I'll be able to sleep in peace. Even though the rational part of my KNOWS from many prior experiences that I absolutely won't sleep well after relapsing. And that in fact even though I ignored my urges last night, I still slept wonderfully. And also the more fundamental fact that giving up PMO is more important to me than sleep. My financial health, mental health, relationships and career are at stake. Relapsing is the slippery slope towards losing all of that.

I am embarrassed to admit that my longest streak ever has been just less than 7 days. But I am fairly confident that this time I will move far past that. I feel my attitudes and lifestyle changing and it is at least partly due to this reboot. So I am going to go to bed now, happy with knocking out Day 5, and looking forward to another porn free day tomorrow.
 

nothing

Member
Very disappointed to report that I relapsed last night. I should have just laid in bed with my eyes closed until I fell asleep. But I was too anxious about some work things and ended up being on my phone and that led to the relapse.

I am not sure exactly what lesson to extract from this relapse. I still think cultivating a more healthy relationship with my work will improve my mental state and allow me to control my impulses better. It's a vicious cycle: PMO leads to reduced productivity and effectiveness at work, which leads to anxiety, which leads to more PMO. I want to break that cycle both by resisting PMO and also by reframing how I think about my work. In the short term, until I can get this PMO thing under control, I am not going to worry too much about productivity and effectiveness. I'll be positive and take it easy.

As for right now, my goal is to go into another long, hopefully infinite streak. No matter how disappointed I feel right now I will feel a lot worse if I start bingeing. At least right now I don't feel hopeless. I feel hopeful and fairly confident that I can get back on the wagon. This was a temporary lapse and it will only deteriorate any progress I have made if I follow it up with a binge. I have felt life without the shadow of PMO, however briefly, and I am going to chase that feeling.

Start of Day 1. I am not going to engage in PMO or any mindless behavior. I will keep a positive outlook and remind myself to enjoy the small but beautiful thigs around me.
 

Sepul0

Member
I agree with Androg's advice, and encourage you to brainstorm more strategies to break this relapse cycle. Your case of the addiction is more intimidating than most, I admit, but it still has avenues of conquerability. I'm fond of how you refer to the addict part of your brain in an antagonistic way, and recognize the tricks that it plays on you. Don't give up on teaching that pest who's in control!
 
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