Yesterday I failed again with PMO. I will try to start doing hard mode approach and really put in the work to kill this addiction. One thing I have noticed that is common with many successful rebooters is the amount of work they put into curing themselves.
Currently, I am reading a book called The Porn Trap-The Essential Guide to Overcoming Problems Caused by Pornography. It has some questions in Chapter 2 that they ask the reader to answer so I thought it would be good and fruitful to post my responses here. This will help me to write out my actual answers to an audience and also help me overcome the shame I have felt and still feel about how I was introduced to porn.
"When Did You First Encounter Pornography"How old were you when you first saw pornography? -
I was about 8 years old at the time
What were the circumstance you were in? Were you alone or with someone else? -
I was homeschooled at the time (1988/89) this was a very new concept but my parents were very strict religious people who wanted no part of public education. I had little to no friends due to this and my shyness in public. A neighbor boy who was much older then me befriended me and showed me video games and other toys my parents never let me play with. I was having a sleep over and he started using games and stories to get me to undress myself in front of him. He showed me a lot of magazines he had hidden.
What type of porn did you encounter? What sexual behavior was portrayed? -
Early porno magazines like Playboy and some cartoon comic ones made into porno. It was all softcore stuff with just nude women.
What was your immediate reaction? How did you feel? -
I remember being scared to death at the time because I had no idea what was happening to me. The magazines though made me extremely excited and even after I left or went home I could not stop thinking about them. I just wanted to see more. I hated the things the boy would do or try to do with me but I knew if I went over I could see more porn and play video games.
Did you talk with others about your experience? If not, how did it feel to carry this around? -
Never. My family was very religious and the smallest thing would anger them and cause so much drama. That fact and the shame of what was happening kept me silent. I guess until now. The shame I carried always felt like a constant chore you need to do but never accomplish. Sort of like you know you need to get something done or study for an exam that's the next day, but you can never get the work done. It's always bothering you and never letting you truly enjoy your life.
Did your first encounter with porn make you want to see or search out more of it? If so, how? -
Definitely, 100%, yes. I was constantly trying to find more, hoping I'd find the abandoned one on the side of the road or in someone's house. When I was about 15 I worked for a guy in his garage doing odd jobs with car parts-cleaning for resale and what not. Once when he was out I found a stack of Playboys in the back of his garage. That was a goldmine for me at the time. Then soon after my family got a PC with the internet on it and that was the beginning of the journey with online porn for me.
Is there anything about your exposure to porn that really bothers you and could change if possible? -
Well, yes I could have done without the molestation definitely. lol. Seriously though, at such a young age, my brain was a sponge for knowledge and experiences. This encounter, abuse, social neglect, and extremely low self-esteem was very instrumental in so much difficulties growing up and even now. I always think - instead of this, what if I was on a youth sports team or in public school making better friends. So many what-if's, but that is all the past and I know I need to focus on the present, learn from the past, plan for my future.
That's all I have guys for today. This took a bit out of me to write so I'll go unwind outside for awhile with my dogs. Thank you for reading this far and I hope your day is a good one. Keep fighting this BS called porn.