The enemy is NOT of flesh & blood...

[Artemus]

Hello again, its been nearly a year since I was on here and thought I'd drop in. My progress is still incomplete and I confess to having stopped putting in the work over the last year. I've had a project that's been taking all my time that is nearing completion and I want to turn my attention to putting the final nail in my lust coffin. Truly I'm light years from where I was just a couple of years ago, but its still not complete. My faith has grown and my desperate need for the release has quieted from a distracting roar to a faint whisper, but still there none the less. The further I've gone, the more aware I have become of when an attack is beginning. In times past I'd be 3 or for steps mentally towards a fall before I realized what was happening, by then I'd already be worked up and most of the time not able to resist the temptation. Now I mostly see whats coming and dispatch those thoughts quickly before I've gone too far. I'm 53 now, I had never experienced any signs of ED regardless of the amount I PMO I indulged in. Now over the last 6 months or so I have had some struggles with ED, but only when I'm alone, without any visual stimulation, if I hit the web and find a video I'm up and ready to go, but thats not what I want. I can still respond effectively to my wife and I still have several erections throughout the night as they sometimes wake me. My ED issue, I think must be a spiritual/emotional and stress related deal. The project I've been burdened with has consumed my every waking thought for the last 2 years, as has my wife's work issues and health. Also add in the political/social climate around us and I can't but feel guilty at even the thought of taking pleasure in anything before I complete this project. I recently had made plans for us to go out of town for my birthday, but as we neared the date the more dread I felt, so much so my wife noticed and asked me, "If I didn't still want to go?". After some self examination I told her that she was right, "That I didn't want to go and would rather pour my time and effort into this project." She agreed and that's what we did. I'm sure if I was tested I probably have some sort of depression going onto , but I don't want to take any drugs.

Day 14

 

[Androg]

Exercise is a better antidepressant than drugs according to scientific research.

 

[Artemus]

Exercise is a better antidepressant than drugs according to scientific research.

Yes it is, thank you. I agree.,

 

[Artemus]

Something I've observed on my journey or at least attempted to understand, is why do I go back to P or PMO at regular intervals? Sometimes I'd go back for just a peak, but no physical stimulation. I've been on/off RN for several years, my attempts to quit PMO date back to late 2003/early 2004. I've been on several other platforms and plans over these 20 years, with varying degrees of success at times. One plan had me do a daily bible study for 40+ days and came with a mentor. I finally completed their plan on my 3rd attempt, got a little certificate and went my merry way. Problem was I wasn't actually better, I would liken myself to a caged animal, sure as long as I was in the cage my behavior was in check, but once the door was opened I was right back at it in a very short time. This pattern repeated with every type of plan, strategy or book I utilized. What usually followed after I had a fall, which usually resulted in a full on binge, was I'd give up and just let the PMO be part of my daily routine for a while, until God would bring it back to my attention and I realize I needed to deal with it. I work from home as a day trader, so I use a computer and it has to be high performance, no lags, no delays, but most every filter I tried or image blocker I installed always interfered and made work almost impossible. So I Found RN, its been my favorite and I had my best run of 124 Days with RN, but I was using a filter and an image blocker to achieve that 124. I've made a lot of friends on here, we support each other, but invariably people come and go, some win and move on, some fall short of their goals and give up. I myself have changed logins like 4 times, sometimes out of shame, other times just to make a fresh start.

Well after my 124 I was still here, encouraging others, giving tips and one of my classmates pointed out he didn't use filters/image blockers he was live without a net and he explained why and it made sense to me, so I endeavored to try it. Less than 10 days later I was hurling down fool's hill backwards and I was crushed, so I left. Now I've done all the work, watched all the videos, understand the patterns and the dopamine and the whole works. I also know the disgusting sad truth about pornstars and how sad their lives are. Many performers come from abusive families or are coerced into performing by a boyfriend or husband, some are sex slaves held captive, some are drug addicts and most won't live past 35 and will most likely die violently or from disease. Suicide and murder are very common ends, overdose being very popular. Knowing all this in the end didn't stop me and that was crushing too. But what I have learned is that for me its a matter of faith and do I believe whats been promised to me. RN promises that my sex life will improve if I avoid PMO for 90 days, but somewhere in the in-between I get scared, my libido drops, my dude goes quiet and I begin to feel disconnected, like its too quiet in my head. So I take a peak just to get a jolt. I don't want to do that anymore and I now can see when the devil is laying his traps for me. All that remains is for me to endure the calm and believe that if I'm patient and faithful that God will heal my brain and my mind. No more peaks, No more one-more times. I want to know what lies beyond this prison I've remained in for so long, even as the door stood open before me.

Day 15

 

[Androg]

It's not unusual to have to go through a prolonged flatline as your brain heals. In a sense, it's a well earned vacation.

 

[Artemus]

It's not unusual to have to go through a prolonged flatline as your brain heals. In a sense, it's a well earned vacation.

That is a very good way to look at it. Thank you. Flatline tends to freak me out even though I know its coming and why.