I don't think I have ever, since starting when I was 12, MO'd mindfully by the expert definition, at least none I remember.
My brief history goes like this
I was 8)
1978 Intro to Playboy mag by neighbor friend through his father's immense collection/library.
78'-82' my interaction with porn mags was intermittent, but steadily increased as I had a knack for discovering others stashes.
1982 My family got cable tv and I had my own TV and box in my room. I modified my box to get all cable free including Playboy channel. Wasn't long before I discovered MO while in shower and then PMO became nightly endeavor, usually 4 or 5 times a night.
1988 I met a girl who was younger than me, but was already active with another older guy. She retold to me every encounter they had in explicit detail. I in turn began erotic writing using her material combined with my own fantasies. I also began making audio recordings of my fantasies that I used during MO sessions combined with whatever imagery I could get my hands on. This pattern continued until I met my wife. I will say during this time I would become convicted about my behavior and destroy whatever I had and for lengthy periods(Months) be PMO free. But somehoe, someway it would creep back in.
1992 Met my wife and began spending every afternoon after work with her. During this time my use of porn and MO dropped to near zero. To be completely forth coming, as I said before we didn't have intercourse until we got married but we did mutually stimulate each other quite often. I told her about my porn thing then, I told her everything and even showed some of it to her and she shared with me her past as well, in intimate detail. At this point I destroyed all my mags, recordings and writings and devoted myself to her. To this day my wife is the only woman I have ever kissed or been with physically, period.
1995 We got married, I worked full time and she went to college and worked part time. Our sex life was stupendous, although I do confess for a month or so early on, we did get the playboy channel as an addition to our playtime, but soon discarded it as a bad idea.
1998 We were introduced to the internet by a friend and within 10 minutes we were looking to see what nudes pix we could uncover of famous people. We got our own home PC and internet connection and that was that, a novelty at first, but then things took a turn. During this time our schedules changed dramatically, her school time increased as did my work load and soon I found myself at home alone and bored and frustrated. With cable PMO I was stuck watching whatever was on, but with the Net I could indulge my every fantasy with a search and essentially order up whatever I desired. This seem to set off a drive in me I hadn't experienced before. I was doing courier work at this time, driving all through the city and I'd come across adult stores, suddenly an impulse would overtake me and I'd have to go buy 2 or 3 movies. I'd take them home, watch them all and wank myself until he wouldn't respond anymore. Then I'd be so overcome with shame I'd take them straight to the backyard and burn them... This happened a half dozen times over a couple of years.
2001 We moved out of the city and were back on the same schedule, boinking resumed in earnest, but instead of leaving the bad behind I once again introduced it to our sex life, DVD this time. This only lasted a short time and we again agreed it was not the right thing to be doing, so we torched what we had and pledged to move on. During this time I started experience insomnia and PMO was how I dealt with it via the world wide web. I told her I was struggling at times and I even approached my pastor about it and we prayed together and did some minor counseling, but I eventually failed anyway. At this time PMO wasn't widely known to be an issue yet, so I kept my failure private as it was taught at this particular church that if you kept going back to sin you must NOT be saved. As a Christian I can not express to you how lonely and crushing it was to hear your not saved, it devasted me and I ended up leaving that church. Even though this church held that view I didn't thiunk it could be accurate and moved on. For the next few years I struggled on my own, reading books as they became available, but not having much success.
2003 Then while I was at home with the flu in late 03' I read a book entitled, "She Said Yes." it was a book about a girl killed in the Columbine shooting and her return to Christ just before her death and how she courageously faced her killer and was forced to either denounce God and live or confess to following God and be killed... She said, yes. I was convicted so deeply I fell to the floor and wept vigorously. I realized in that moment I had been giving a half hearted effort at best and that if I was to ever find freedom from lust it would only be done through God. I confesed myself to him and begged him to do whats neccessary to change me. I didn't realize what that meant, but I don't regret it. Literally the next day my boss called to tell me the company I worked for had been sold and I would soon be out of a job. We had terrible debt, which was related to my PMO I later learned as it lends itself to poor impulse control.
2004 I took a stab at day trading for a year and made no headway.
2005 We had to sell our dream home, sold my race car and all related equipment, sold my motorcycle, sold off my truck, sold off extra furniture and our vast DVD collection(regular not porn, that was already gone.) and moved into a tiny budget friendly home and began anew.
2007 A very up and down year, we successfully paid off our debts, I completed a counseling "Break Free of Porn" deal on the web and had my first good run. The plan was only comprised of a 40 day setup with a mentor, which I finally got right on the third run. Got my plaque of completion/graduation and stayed sober a grand total of like 63 days. I fell back into PMO for a while and just gave in. By the end of the year I'd been laid off again and the debt was slowly returning as the entire world fell into the grips of the financial crisis. I stayed here in this pattern for a while, trying occasionally to get some traction to get out, but usually only going 2 to 3 weeks at a time. I don't recall when I first found RN, I wanna say 2012/2013, but that combined with my other details should give a picture of where I've been. No I've never been molested, my parents never abused me and though I didn't have everything I wanted growing up I had more than some. I sucked in school but have a 144 IQ, I graduated from high school with a 2.0 average and then flunked out of the tech college my father wanted me to attend, before earning the deans list at the tech school I liked. That's me, here I am.
I will say I no longer experience the mad impulses to buy or look at porn, today I see porn for what it is, a disgusting enterprise that preys on the weak, needy, abused and enslaved. I want no part of that. It leaves lives in shambles and kills the rest. Today when I do step over the line to PMO I don't even fantasize about being with the person on the screen, I only want my wife, but the sounds and activity remind me of what we had and that I miss terribly. My wife is still with me, but her health is not great, her job is a soul sucking endeavor and pursuing sex with her feels abit selfish these days. So I occasionally look up an amateur video, usually a husband/wife and that provides the stimulation I seek. Its not okay, I want to let it go completely, for good. If we can just get our other house sold, while it still has value we can wipe the debt slate clean and she can leave her job from hell.
