The enemy is NOT of flesh & blood...

Artemus

Active Member
Hello again, its been nearly a year since I was on here and thought I'd drop in. My progress is still incomplete and I confess to having stopped putting in the work over the last year. I've had a project that's been taking all my time that is nearing completion and I want to turn my attention to putting the final nail in my lust coffin. Truly I'm light years from where I was just a couple of years ago, but its still not complete. My faith has grown and my desperate need for the release has quieted from a distracting roar to a faint whisper, but still there none the less. The further I've gone, the more aware I have become of when an attack is beginning. In times past I'd be 3 or for steps mentally towards a fall before I realized what was happening, by then I'd already be worked up and most of the time not able to resist the temptation. Now I mostly see whats coming and dispatch those thoughts quickly before I've gone too far. I'm 53 now, I had never experienced any signs of ED regardless of the amount I PMO I indulged in. Now over the last 6 months or so I have had some struggles with ED, but only when I'm alone, without any visual stimulation, if I hit the web and find a video I'm up and ready to go, but thats not what I want. I can still respond effectively to my wife and I still have several erections throughout the night as they sometimes wake me. My ED issue, I think must be a spiritual/emotional and stress related deal. The project I've been burdened with has consumed my every waking thought for the last 2 years, as has my wife's work issues and health. Also add in the political/social climate around us and I can't but feel guilty at even the thought of taking pleasure in anything before I complete this project. I recently had made plans for us to go out of town for my birthday, but as we neared the date the more dread I felt, so much so my wife noticed and asked me, "If I didn't still want to go?". After some self examination I told her that she was right, "That I didn't want to go and would rather pour my time and effort into this project." She agreed and that's what we did. I'm sure if I was tested I probably have some sort of depression going onto , but I don't want to take any drugs.

Day 14
 

Artemus

Active Member
Something I've observed on my journey or at least attempted to understand, is why do I go back to P or PMO at regular intervals? Sometimes I'd go back for just a peak, but no physical stimulation. I've been on/off RN for several years, my attempts to quit PMO date back to late 2003/early 2004. I've been on several other platforms and plans over these 20 years, with varying degrees of success at times. One plan had me do a daily bible study for 40+ days and came with a mentor. I finally completed their plan on my 3rd attempt, got a little certificate and went my merry way. Problem was I wasn't actually better, I would liken myself to a caged animal, sure as long as I was in the cage my behavior was in check, but once the door was opened I was right back at it in a very short time. This pattern repeated with every type of plan, strategy or book I utilized. What usually followed after I had a fall, which usually resulted in a full on binge, was I'd give up and just let the PMO be part of my daily routine for a while, until God would bring it back to my attention and I realize I needed to deal with it. I work from home as a day trader, so I use a computer and it has to be high performance, no lags, no delays, but most every filter I tried or image blocker I installed always interfered and made work almost impossible. So I Found RN, its been my favorite and I had my best run of 124 Days with RN, but I was using a filter and an image blocker to achieve that 124. I've made a lot of friends on here, we support each other, but invariably people come and go, some win and move on, some fall short of their goals and give up. I myself have changed logins like 4 times, sometimes out of shame, other times just to make a fresh start.

Well after my 124 I was still here, encouraging others, giving tips and one of my classmates pointed out he didn't use filters/image blockers he was live without a net and he explained why and it made sense to me, so I endeavored to try it. Less than 10 days later I was hurling down fool's hill backwards and I was crushed, so I left. Now I've done all the work, watched all the videos, understand the patterns and the dopamine and the whole works. I also know the disgusting sad truth about pornstars and how sad their lives are. Many performers come from abusive families or are coerced into performing by a boyfriend or husband, some are sex slaves held captive, some are drug addicts and most won't live past 35 and will most likely die violently or from disease. Suicide and murder are very common ends, overdose being very popular. Knowing all this in the end didn't stop me and that was crushing too. But what I have learned is that for me its a matter of faith and do I believe whats been promised to me. RN promises that my sex life will improve if I avoid PMO for 90 days, but somewhere in the in-between I get scared, my libido drops, my dude goes quiet and I begin to feel disconnected, like its too quiet in my head. So I take a peak just to get a jolt. I don't want to do that anymore and I now can see when the devil is laying his traps for me. All that remains is for me to endure the calm and believe that if I'm patient and faithful that God will heal my brain and my mind. No more peaks, No more one-more times. I want to know what lies beyond this prison I've remained in for so long, even as the door stood open before me.

Day 15
 

Androg

Administrator
Admin
Moderator
It's not unusual to have to go through a prolonged flatline as your brain heals. In a sense, it's a well earned vacation. :cool:
 

Artemus

Active Member
It's not unusual to have to go through a prolonged flatline as your brain heals. In a sense, it's a well earned vacation. :cool:
That is a very good way to look at it. Thank you. Flatline tends to freak me out even though I know its coming and why.
 

Androg

Administrator
Admin
Moderator
That is a very good way to look at it. Thank you. Flatline tends to freak me out even though I know its coming and why.
There are lots of recovery stories about long flatlines on yourbrainonporn.com. It can be useful to read about other people’s recoveries, so you don’t panic.💪
 

Artemus

Active Member
I also have ADD, which if I understand it correctly it essentially is low dopamine, which makes sense. For me a lot of times after going several days with no P or MO I don't just have a drop in libido, I feel like i'm carrying a wet blanket draped over me, just unenthused, no drive, no ambition, just breathing. According to the research people like myself tend to seek out thrilling/dangerous professions, like law enforcement or indulge in risky sexual behavior. For me I've been in motorsports since I was 16 and motorcross since I was 8, without those endeavors life feels very very slow for me, but since PMO has been with me first when I was 8, then daily since I was 12, it may just take longer for me to find normal. PMO has got to go, but I'll never give motorsports. I'm anxious to see what waits for me on the other side, I think it'll be surprisingly great.
 

GBS

Respected Member
Hi @Artemus . Questions: is marriage good? Does wife know of issues? Does she mind? Your current streak is 17 days right? How long did your relapse last and was it triggered by something? Do you go hard mode? If not how often did you MO and was it mindful?

Keep going. You inspire
 

Artemus

Active Member
Hi @Artemus . Questions: is marriage good? Does wife know of issues? Does she mind? Your current streak is 17 days right? How long did your relapse last and was it triggered by something? Do you go hard mode? If not how often did you MO and was it mindful?

Keep going. You inspire
Marriage Great, my wife has known of my struggles since before we wed. As we are both Christian's the question, "does she mind?" is a bit too broad. When we met my wife was a new Christian and just emerging from living the "bad girl life", I was not her first or even second, but we did wait 3 years until WE were married to have sex. She desires that I be free from this as do I, although she does not know I fell back in after my 127+ day run and I have no intention of telling her about it either, its my burden. Her father had a similar issue with porn, though it wasn't known for many years, that was rooted in him being molested/raped repeatedly by an older girl when he was around 10-12. Later on after my wife was born, her father had a 1 night stand with a woman(1982) he'd done some work for but it never came out, until he was caught with the porn about 12 years ago. Once his wife caught him with the porn she demanded he seek counseling and part of that counseling was confessing "ALL" sex related sins to his wife... He did it, but I wish he'd never had told her everything. Now remember this was like 2011 and they'd been married since 1970 and he had 1 romp(that gave him VD) in 1982 but for the next 29 years he was totally faithful to her. I'm not excusing what he did, but dropping it in her lap was catastrophic. Upon hearing the news she literally freaked out, she made him have a meeting with all his kids and tell them about it too, but instead of the indignant outrage she was hoping for from them they were understanding and forgiving(we've all dropped the ball in some way), which only made her more embittered. From that point on her health declined, she got multiple comsmetic and plastic surgeries, changed her hair color, insisted on separate beds. She finally passed away just before COVID-MANIA. Having shared all that I won't be sharing anymore confessions with my wife about that because it isn't fair the harm it does, IMHO. The guilt is mine, I commit the crime I do the time, so to speak.

Yes, I am doing HARD 90. I don't MO unless its with Porn, so... Mindful?
 

GBS

Respected Member
I am huge fan of hard mode by the way. Full card carrying secretary of the supporters club. So I am in awe of those who go down this route. Good for you. Hope you know what you’re letting yourself in for.

My reference to mindful masturbation is that this is, so say the expert therapists, the only way to masturbate without doing some form of harm to your brain. So if one masturbates to porn or fantasy then you’re creating neural pathways which stop your brain from functioning properly. By “mindful” it is meant to be purely for one’s own pleasure Literally enjoying the sensation alone. It’s ok, I can’t do it either!
 

Artemus

Active Member
I don't think I have ever, since starting when I was 12, MO'd mindfully by the expert definition, at least none I remember.
My brief history goes like this:(I was 8)

1978 Intro to Playboy mag by neighbor friend through his father's immense collection/library.

78'-82' my interaction with porn mags was intermittent, but steadily increased as I had a knack for discovering others stashes.

1982 My family got cable tv and I had my own TV and box in my room. I modified my box to get all cable free including Playboy channel. Wasn't long before I discovered MO while in shower and then PMO became nightly endeavor, usually 4 or 5 times a night.

1988 I met a girl who was younger than me, but was already active with another older guy. She retold to me every encounter they had in explicit detail. I in turn began erotic writing using her material combined with my own fantasies. I also began making audio recordings of my fantasies that I used during MO sessions combined with whatever imagery I could get my hands on. This pattern continued until I met my wife. I will say during this time I would become convicted about my behavior and destroy whatever I had and for lengthy periods(Months) be PMO free. But somehoe, someway it would creep back in.

1992 Met my wife and began spending every afternoon after work with her. During this time my use of porn and MO dropped to near zero. To be completely forth coming, as I said before we didn't have intercourse until we got married but we did mutually stimulate each other quite often. I told her about my porn thing then, I told her everything and even showed some of it to her and she shared with me her past as well, in intimate detail. At this point I destroyed all my mags, recordings and writings and devoted myself to her. To this day my wife is the only woman I have ever kissed or been with physically, period.

1995 We got married, I worked full time and she went to college and worked part time. Our sex life was stupendous, although I do confess for a month or so early on, we did get the playboy channel as an addition to our playtime, but soon discarded it as a bad idea.

1998 We were introduced to the internet by a friend and within 10 minutes we were looking to see what nudes pix we could uncover of famous people. We got our own home PC and internet connection and that was that, a novelty at first, but then things took a turn. During this time our schedules changed dramatically, her school time increased as did my work load and soon I found myself at home alone and bored and frustrated. With cable PMO I was stuck watching whatever was on, but with the Net I could indulge my every fantasy with a search and essentially order up whatever I desired. This seem to set off a drive in me I hadn't experienced before. I was doing courier work at this time, driving all through the city and I'd come across adult stores, suddenly an impulse would overtake me and I'd have to go buy 2 or 3 movies. I'd take them home, watch them all and wank myself until he wouldn't respond anymore. Then I'd be so overcome with shame I'd take them straight to the backyard and burn them... This happened a half dozen times over a couple of years.

2001 We moved out of the city and were back on the same schedule, boinking resumed in earnest, but instead of leaving the bad behind I once again introduced it to our sex life, DVD this time. This only lasted a short time and we again agreed it was not the right thing to be doing, so we torched what we had and pledged to move on. During this time I started experience insomnia and PMO was how I dealt with it via the world wide web. I told her I was struggling at times and I even approached my pastor about it and we prayed together and did some minor counseling, but I eventually failed anyway. At this time PMO wasn't widely known to be an issue yet, so I kept my failure private as it was taught at this particular church that if you kept going back to sin you must NOT be saved. As a Christian I can not express to you how lonely and crushing it was to hear your not saved, it devasted me and I ended up leaving that church. Even though this church held that view I didn't thiunk it could be accurate and moved on. For the next few years I struggled on my own, reading books as they became available, but not having much success.

2003 Then while I was at home with the flu in late 03' I read a book entitled, "She Said Yes." it was a book about a girl killed in the Columbine shooting and her return to Christ just before her death and how she courageously faced her killer and was forced to either denounce God and live or confess to following God and be killed... She said, yes. I was convicted so deeply I fell to the floor and wept vigorously. I realized in that moment I had been giving a half hearted effort at best and that if I was to ever find freedom from lust it would only be done through God. I confesed myself to him and begged him to do whats neccessary to change me. I didn't realize what that meant, but I don't regret it. Literally the next day my boss called to tell me the company I worked for had been sold and I would soon be out of a job. We had terrible debt, which was related to my PMO I later learned as it lends itself to poor impulse control.

2004 I took a stab at day trading for a year and made no headway.

2005 We had to sell our dream home, sold my race car and all related equipment, sold my motorcycle, sold off my truck, sold off extra furniture and our vast DVD collection(regular not porn, that was already gone.) and moved into a tiny budget friendly home and began anew.

2007 A very up and down year, we successfully paid off our debts, I completed a counseling "Break Free of Porn" deal on the web and had my first good run. The plan was only comprised of a 40 day setup with a mentor, which I finally got right on the third run. Got my plaque of completion/graduation and stayed sober a grand total of like 63 days. I fell back into PMO for a while and just gave in. By the end of the year I'd been laid off again and the debt was slowly returning as the entire world fell into the grips of the financial crisis. I stayed here in this pattern for a while, trying occasionally to get some traction to get out, but usually only going 2 to 3 weeks at a time. I don't recall when I first found RN, I wanna say 2012/2013, but that combined with my other details should give a picture of where I've been. No I've never been molested, my parents never abused me and though I didn't have everything I wanted growing up I had more than some. I sucked in school but have a 144 IQ, I graduated from high school with a 2.0 average and then flunked out of the tech college my father wanted me to attend, before earning the deans list at the tech school I liked. That's me, here I am.

I will say I no longer experience the mad impulses to buy or look at porn, today I see porn for what it is, a disgusting enterprise that preys on the weak, needy, abused and enslaved. I want no part of that. It leaves lives in shambles and kills the rest. Today when I do step over the line to PMO I don't even fantasize about being with the person on the screen, I only want my wife, but the sounds and activity remind me of what we had and that I miss terribly. My wife is still with me, but her health is not great, her job is a soul sucking endeavor and pursuing sex with her feels abit selfish these days. So I occasionally look up an amateur video, usually a husband/wife and that provides the stimulation I seek. Its not okay, I want to let it go completely, for good. If we can just get our other house sold, while it still has value we can wipe the debt slate clean and she can leave her job from hell.
 

Androg

Administrator
Admin
Moderator
You're off to a good start. Stay optimistic. When you stop draining yourself, it's easier to create abundance and other good things. All the best.
 

Artemus

Active Member
20 Days since my last PMO freak out session.

I was commenting in another post on how it feels to me to undertake this journey, because it is a journey. This journey isn't to dissimilar to those who went west to discover California or those in Europe seeking a better life in the new world. You see we aren't blazing a new path, many have gone before us and sent back word of the wonders of the promised land. After the Israelite's spent 40 years in the desert they still had to contend with the current inhabitants of Canaan. They sent ahead spies(scouts) to see what they could expect and what those scouts reported back was anything but comforting. Not only was the land inhabited, it was inhabited with giants(Nephilim), offspring of the angels who came down and took human women as there wives in Genesis 6. Now not only were they giants they were also incredibly violent and their cities were heavily fortified, so this wasn't gonna be a cakewalk. Its the same with PMO, if we believe God and take him at his word then we can conquer the PMO giants and take the promised land, but we have to kill every stronghold and eliminate ALL remnants of the evil in our land.

Many misunderstand why God had them kill all those peoples in the old testament, they weren't people, they were the hybrid Angel/Humans, the Nephilim, descended from Genesis 6, the same ones he wiped from the earth with the flood. If not for Noah's son Ham there wouldn't have been any giants in Canaan, but his offspring carried the tainted DNA of the Nephilim and the problem began again. I digress, Our fight isn't that different than the Israerlite's in Canaan, we just need to have faith and follow instructions to the letter. Everything must go.
 
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Artemus

Active Member
Don't have time to say a bunch, but right now I'm farther along than I've been in a few years, getting close to 30 days post Lust/PMO. This part is crazy, but I also expected it too, but the last few days I've had erotic dreams that have jarred me awake, songs suddenly playing in my head that I don't want to listen to. I realized after my last post that I still had some strongholds I hadn't dealt with that were essentialy "P-subs" or in Biblical terms(strong hoids). Mainly it was music and a few DVD's, no outright porn, but suggestive enough that they encourage thoughts I don't need. I also stepped up my game in doing more bible study, listening to sermons and listening to more Christian music. The result has been a near zero desire for any PMO, a better more positive mood and more drive in general. During this period I've also been drawn to more self evaluation and if I'm honest I've been what the Bible would call, "Luke warm", neither hot nor cold and that aint good. These are all good things, super psyched!!!
 

Artemus

Active Member
29 Days post porn, this is a milestone for me, no aides, no filters. Its not all roses I'll tell you, but I'm in a good place mentally and spiritually. I'd like to right up front give God all the credit, He got me here and He's been patient beyond what I deserve. I have multiple changes going at the same time in my life so there are moments that are a bit weird. So I am 29 days No porn and I'm reducing the sugar and carbs I consume towards zero with a goal of eventually doing a lengthy water fast once I get my body producing ketones. I'm currently replacing my lunch with 1 can of sardines in water, along with a 1/2 stick of butter. Sounds odd to normies I know, but it is thru a doctor. The downside I'm experiencing without daily PMO and without much sugar is I experience confusion, lethargy and depression most afternoons until my body adjusts. I'm doing this because I suspect I am, at the very least, "insulin resistant" due to a fatty liver. Whats cool these days is I still experience times when PMO sounds mildly tempting, but I know in reality it isn't the porn I want, its how looking at porn and getting off makes me feel, but I know afterwards that the low I will inevitably experience will be as bad or worse as the high I might get from binging. Full disclosure, over these 29 days I have had sex once on my anniversary and I have MO'd twice, but not to fantasy or images, just touch. My goal is to leave porn behind for good, the occasional MO when my wife isnt available to me doesn't currently cause me any stress or feel any conviction over it. I've gutted my music library and DVD collection so there is nothing simulated or suggestive in any way. I've increased my Bible study, but I could use more and I feel better most of the time than I have in years. Thats it.

Later Dudes
 

Artemus

Active Member
30 Days in the rear view, its been years since I've been able to say that, thank you, Jesus. This is a completely different experience, its calm, peaceful. I still have occasional thoughts, but I deal with them quickly and try not to let them take hold. To the new guys out there and the old dogs like me, this is a battle in our minds and taking control of our thoughts is key. There so much going on in my life right now and the greater world too, I struggle some mornings to muster the enthusiasm to go forth, but I can't help feeling a bit optimistic as the days click off, one by one. Taking God at his word and putting my faith in his son to change my heart and mind, to be more like him is a must. I confess that even though I considered myself a Christian in years past, in truth I was a disgustingly luke warm follower on a good day. I'm ashamed of how I was living and the things I've put my wife through along the way, but steady as a rock she stood right beside me, encouraging and believing in me the whole way. I cringe when I read how some wifes react to the knowledge of their husbands PMO, but mine, as unique as she is beautiful never judged me, never scolded me, never a cross word.

When we were dating my mother did everything to sabotage our relationship because my wife wasn't the type she would've chosen. She wanted someone like her, petite, chatty, shopaholic, passive-aggressive. Not my bride, she's nicely thick, quiet, direct and to the point and smart as a whip. My wife also has a past, where my sins stayed neatly tucked away, hers were out for everyone to see. I was a technical virgin and she had I think 4 lovers before me. She was my first kiss and our honeymoon was our first time making love to each other, I was 25 and she was 19.

That's it for today, I've got 30 in the bank and plan to keep it that way.
 
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