Once you've beaten PMO, what's next?

[Tha]

Hello, friends.
I come after months since my last post, I believe it's been 8 months.
8 months that my partner is without PMO. I am really very proud of him, truly. His work and dedication have been incredible in these months and has greatly improved our relationship, I feel that little by little I have been healing too ... But there are still scars. He had some relapses at the beginning, but there is nothing for many months and I feel that it is easier and easier for him to stay away from PMO.
But I would like to ask men who are also in this process and for their partners too about sexual desire. Even though he has been without porn for months and our relationship has improved a lot, I don't feel that he feels desire for me. I have to ask for more intense kisses, 90% of the sex initiatives I have to have, he doesn't touch me like a man who wants a woman ... it really worries me.
Is this still a reflection of pornography? Because it seems to me to get worse over time and not better.
My biggest pain and fear was to get to exactly this point, beaten porn, come to the conclusion that he does not really want me. He absolutely loves me for having overcome and gone through all this, but he doesn't want me.

A light, please. Kind regards.

 

[Androg]

Daily affectionate touch can help rebuild attachment. Check this link for information about Sensate Focus, which helps couples in your situation: https://www.amazon.com/Sensate-Focus-Sex-Therapy-Illustrated-ebook/dp/B06X9VH2D5

Don't expect "heat" right away.

 

[joepanic]

Perhaps it must be explored as to the reasons he turned to porn in the 1st place. Lack of intimacy is not only the result of porn addiction. There could be other unresolved issues in your marriage. My wife had long standing control issues which contributed to me being a porn addict. I have since beaten it and she has gone to therapy to resolve those control issues. But while she had these issues i found it very hard to initiate sex with her. It has since gotten a great deal better after she began therapy.

Another point might be he is scared. Does not know where to start. i don't know his whole story so it's difficult to comment on this one. Many porn addicts have been told they were cruel dishonest uncaring the list goes on. Many were continued to be labeled in this manner well after becoming clean and greatly improving their lives. So they are lost as to where to begin. Some partners will say it just takes a long time for them to heal. Perhaps it is the same for some addicts

Lots of conversation might help and never stop trying. he didnt stop trying and he succeeded.

Post often it helps me it helps you

 

[Gracie]

First and foremost please know that his PMO addiction is not your fault. His PMO addiction is how he has chose to deal with himself and how he may feel about situations. It took some time for my husband to adjust to not having PMO to turn to and engage in relationship based intimacy. I had to learn how to heal my scars and decide how I wanted our relationship to be. What things were mine to do in our growth into a new relationship and what things were his. What did I need to do to feel I could trust him. What did he need to do to show me I was indeed the one. How could he find a better way to deal with situations. How did we get to this point. A lot of soul searching in what we wanted to do and where we wanted our marriage to be.

 

[joepanic]

First and foremost please know that his PMO addiction is not your fault.

Dont seem to recall her or anyone else saying his porn addiction was her fault.

 

[Gracie]

Tha, how are you doing? Do you have other questions? You can private message me if you do.

 

[Tha]

Maybe I should give a little more context of how our relationship was and is, I think I gave too little information. We have never been a fighting couple, we have always solved all our problems with dialog. We did couple therapy (we were discharged two months ago) and were considered a success by the therapist. Our problem was pornography, which turned him into a lying and unloving man. Today we have no more problems. In fact we are living our best phase. We are very close, we respect each other a lot and honestly, our only problem has been libido/sexual desire.
Today I am aware that I am not to blame for his addiction. I don't feel that way, on the contrary, I feel that I helped him immensely with support and patience. What he needed was someone to believe he was capable and to tell him that he deserved a better, full life free from the prison of pornography. I am very proud of the path we have walked together.
The only point of fact that hurts me is that he is not a husband who sexually desires me, although I always demonstrate this and I constantly strive so that he does not feel the urge to seek PMO or MO. I wonder if this is something personal to me or still a remnant of pornography, the destruction of the imaginary. I met him already in addiction, so there is no previous period where I felt desired.
Is this what they call flatline? Does sex harm you, should you abstain?
I really don't know what to do.

 

[Blondie]

Hi @Tha, that's great that you have been so supportive and understanding of your partner's recovery. I can't tell you how helpful it's been in my recovery to have a supporting partner on my side through the ups and downs of all of this nonsense.

I wonder if this is something personal to me or still a remnant of pornography, the destruction of the imaginary.

I doubt this is personal, it's probably just a reaction to refraining from porn and readjusting to real life with only "one" partner. This has happened to me off and on throughout my recovery, and it still pops up once in a while unfortunately. It also could be that he's in a flatline of sorts, and just doesn't feel horny towards you or anything for that matter. Speaking for myself, this has been the hardest thing to adjust to, that is, what my real sex drive is compared to my past "porn sex drive". Although I'm still a pretty horny dude, it's changed so considerably over the last year that I sometimes don't recognize myself as this new guy, but this is a good thing! I would definitely keep having sex, but have him refrain from ejaculating, something along the lines of tantra sex could do the trick. Do you think he doesn't make the move on you out of fear of possibly coming off as still a "sex addict", "porn addict", or maybe the shame from all of this? Something to think about.

I wish you both the best.

 

[Androg]

Do you love him more than you love feeling desired? Maybe the latter is just optional icing on an otherwise quite tolerable cake (assuming there's lots of affectionate touch).

I ask as someone who once ended a very wonderful relationship due to differences over sexual jollies...I don't think I'd make the same choice again.

 

[Tha]

Do you love him more than you love feeling desired? Maybe the latter is just optional icing on an otherwise quite tolerable cake (assuming there's lots of affectionate touch).

I ask as someone who once ended a very wonderful relationship due to differences over sexual jollies...I don't think I'd make the same choice again.

I would never end a marriage for that.... I actually feel guilty and selfish for wishing that. I think maybe I'm asking too much after I've gotten over all this. But it's just that I've been so neglected in the past that after it was all "over" I had expectations that I might feel wanted one day. Sorry for the regrets.
Whether it's the porn or not, I'll probably never know. Maybe time will tell me that.

 

[joepanic]

Perhaps it's time for him to see his doctor

 

[Tha]

Hi @Tha, that's great that you have been so supportive and understanding of your partner's recovery. I can't tell you how helpful it's been in my recovery to have a supporting partner on my side through the ups and downs of all of this nonsense.

I doubt this is personal, it's probably just a reaction to refraining from porn and readjusting to real life with only "one" partner. This has happened to me off and on throughout my recovery, and it still pops up once in a while unfortunately. It also could be that he's in a flatline of sorts, and just doesn't feel horny towards you or anything for that matter. Speaking for myself, this has been the hardest thing to adjust to, that is, what my real sex drive is compared to my past "porn sex drive". Although I'm still a pretty horny dude, it's changed so considerably over the last year that I sometimes don't recognize myself as this new guy, but this is a good thing! I would definitely keep having sex, but have him refrain from ejaculating, something along the lines of tantra sex could do the trick. Do you think he doesn't make the move on you out of fear of possibly coming off as still a "sex addict", "porn addict", or maybe the shame from all of this? Something to think about.

I wish you both the best.

Thank you for your kind words and for sharing your journey. I don't think he has this "addict" complex. He actually feels very clean these days. I will work on the tantric sex thing. I've never tried anything like that before. I hope it helps, thank you!

 

[SoberRich]

Possible he may have lost the forest for the trees. Spirituality is amazing, but the goal is not to become a monk on a mountain, as amazing as that may sound. The POINT is to be spiritual WITHIN a marriage.