Will Stalwart
Active Member
Struggling through a bit today after a few too many last night. Always risky when I’ve been drinking, but just here to touch base and help myself through.
War of the cycle
- Thread starter Will Stalwart
- Start date
Blondie
Respected Member
Will Stalwart
Active Member
Appreciate the words of encouragement as always.
Made it through yesterday, but I’m honestly feeling emotionally drained today. I try to be positive about this process but I always fail.
Porn itself makes me feel like I am failing myself and others, and I believe I am a worse person for it. Yet I keep going back to it, seeming to have limited impulse control. I have read up about it all, kept myself informed, tried different approaches but it never lasts.
In everything else I do, I always try to do the right thing and believe myself a good person. But this thing is like a stain that I can’t scrub off. If I could cut that piece of myself away I’d do it in an instant. I hate everything about it, and though I don’t want to admit it, the hatred spills over to the way I see myself.
I’m hoping the melancholy passes, and I hope I really can rid myself of this stain. I never lack for determination, but so far it has not been enough, and that is tough to take time and again.
I can’t keep repeating the cycle. I have to break it. I can’t say for certain this will be the time I succeed, but I am determined not to feel like this anymore.
Made it through yesterday, but I’m honestly feeling emotionally drained today. I try to be positive about this process but I always fail.
Porn itself makes me feel like I am failing myself and others, and I believe I am a worse person for it. Yet I keep going back to it, seeming to have limited impulse control. I have read up about it all, kept myself informed, tried different approaches but it never lasts.
In everything else I do, I always try to do the right thing and believe myself a good person. But this thing is like a stain that I can’t scrub off. If I could cut that piece of myself away I’d do it in an instant. I hate everything about it, and though I don’t want to admit it, the hatred spills over to the way I see myself.
I’m hoping the melancholy passes, and I hope I really can rid myself of this stain. I never lack for determination, but so far it has not been enough, and that is tough to take time and again.
I can’t keep repeating the cycle. I have to break it. I can’t say for certain this will be the time I succeed, but I am determined not to feel like this anymore.
Will Stalwart
Active Member
Today has been a better day. It’s always easy to get dragged into that pit when going through this, and not something I try to reflect on too much. But sometimes when you’re caught in it, it helps to release some of those frustrations.
Positivity at times can be hard to find, but I don’t see how it can be possible without some level of it. A positive attitude is something I strive for believing that it can help me through the worst of it, but I can’t ignore that darker part. Pushing it aside and ignoring it will likely only lead to it building and building until a relapse is inevitable. Unless I confront and accept every side of this, and every side of myself, then I will always fail.
Ultimately we are all flawed. Not just every person here, but every person who ever lived. If we are to ever be our best, imperfect selves, we must accept all of who we are or we will never be able to move beyond our current state.
I know I want to be my best self, and so I need to work on acknowledging those parts I try to ignore.
Positivity at times can be hard to find, but I don’t see how it can be possible without some level of it. A positive attitude is something I strive for believing that it can help me through the worst of it, but I can’t ignore that darker part. Pushing it aside and ignoring it will likely only lead to it building and building until a relapse is inevitable. Unless I confront and accept every side of this, and every side of myself, then I will always fail.
Ultimately we are all flawed. Not just every person here, but every person who ever lived. If we are to ever be our best, imperfect selves, we must accept all of who we are or we will never be able to move beyond our current state.
I know I want to be my best self, and so I need to work on acknowledging those parts I try to ignore.
Will Stalwart
Active Member
Been a good couple of days. Just checking in to keep my head in the game.
Will Stalwart
Active Member
Feeling back into a more positive rhythm. Things are going a bit easier and I’m past the worst of it.
Looking back I can see I’m about 13 days in now. I always find around now I can get complacent, so need to keep checking in to remind myself how easy it can be to let this slip.
Looking back I can see I’m about 13 days in now. I always find around now I can get complacent, so need to keep checking in to remind myself how easy it can be to let this slip.
Will Stalwart
Active Member
Sometimes I feel I can’t get control of myself. It’s a terrifying feeling to ruminate on, but this is an almost daily struggle.
I’ve lost control again and really went off the deep end and indulged for days. I’m at the other side now feeling appalled that I let it happen again.
The thing is, I don’t even enjoy porn anymore. When I reflect back, that is not what was driving me. It’s pure addiction and nothing else. And when it’s all done I crash down feeling like less of a man.
I do ask myself how long I can keep doing this. How many times can I fail before I totally throw in the towel and accept my fate.
I suppose the answer for now, is I have to try one more time.
I’ve lost control again and really went off the deep end and indulged for days. I’m at the other side now feeling appalled that I let it happen again.
The thing is, I don’t even enjoy porn anymore. When I reflect back, that is not what was driving me. It’s pure addiction and nothing else. And when it’s all done I crash down feeling like less of a man.
I do ask myself how long I can keep doing this. How many times can I fail before I totally throw in the towel and accept my fate.
I suppose the answer for now, is I have to try one more time.
Blondie
Respected Member
Hey @Will Stalwart. I'm sorry to hear this. I definitely understand this troubling feeling. Doing something you hate over and over again is a wreak to your self-confidence. However, we let our brains tells us "Try it one more time" and we think it will be "different" this time. The fact that you're here right now means a lot and says you want a change, a real change. Rethink some of your reasons and think through what got going in that direction again, and change course and keep on going.
Keep fighting brother.
Best
Keep fighting brother.
Best
Will Stalwart
Active Member
As always, I appreciate the support. I am aiming to check in here more, as I do find it keeps me on the straight and narrow.
I have also started my own personal journal which I am writing in every day. I have found putting thoughts to paper has really helped me to stay on track, and helped with other parts of my life as well.
The initial frustration has passed for now, and if I look to the positive, I have reduced consumption massively. It is only the binges that end my streaks, rather than every day. But the frustration comes at falling short of my real goal. I am not here to reduce the amount, I am here to stop completely.
I am in a better headspace now than I was after crashing and burning, and I am hoping that this new approach can be another step in the right direction.
I have also started my own personal journal which I am writing in every day. I have found putting thoughts to paper has really helped me to stay on track, and helped with other parts of my life as well.
The initial frustration has passed for now, and if I look to the positive, I have reduced consumption massively. It is only the binges that end my streaks, rather than every day. But the frustration comes at falling short of my real goal. I am not here to reduce the amount, I am here to stop completely.
I am in a better headspace now than I was after crashing and burning, and I am hoping that this new approach can be another step in the right direction.
Will Stalwart
Active Member
Now one week clear. Always an important milestone I find, and things are now looking clearer.
The journaling has been helping me massively, both with the porn and keeping other parts of my life in order. I find that simply reflecting on my day, how I felt and what I have done, really does make me be more thoughtful about how I am spending my time and the kind of person I am.
It is still early days, but now I am back on track and feeling a lot more positive looking ahead.
The journaling has been helping me massively, both with the porn and keeping other parts of my life in order. I find that simply reflecting on my day, how I felt and what I have done, really does make me be more thoughtful about how I am spending my time and the kind of person I am.
It is still early days, but now I am back on track and feeling a lot more positive looking ahead.
Will Stalwart
Active Member
The next couple days could be tough for me. Too much free time is never a good thing.
I’m dropping in now just to remind myself where I’m at and to help get my head in the game before I do something stupid. Again.
I am still very early days, but I know that if I can get through the weekend the two week mark is coming up at the end of Monday. With this as my focus I’m hoping to keep myself away from anything that could lead me down a dangerous path.
I’m coming up with plans for things to distract myself with, but ultimately I am still going to have a lot of down time. So whatever the case, it’s me against my worse self.
I’m dropping in now just to remind myself where I’m at and to help get my head in the game before I do something stupid. Again.
I am still very early days, but I know that if I can get through the weekend the two week mark is coming up at the end of Monday. With this as my focus I’m hoping to keep myself away from anything that could lead me down a dangerous path.
I’m coming up with plans for things to distract myself with, but ultimately I am still going to have a lot of down time. So whatever the case, it’s me against my worse self.
Will Stalwart
Active Member
Just checking in to keep myself on the straight and narrow. As expected, it has been challenging, and I’ve had to actively stop myself these last few days. But, I do feel like I am getting somewhere and as time goes by, and with each attempt, I am finding just a little easier.
Hopefully this time is it. I am ready to be done with this for good.
Hopefully this time is it. I am ready to be done with this for good.
Will Stalwart
Active Member
Made it through to the two week mark.
I’m slowly building up a streak that will make me feel like I am losing something if I give in now. In the past I have allowed that to slip into complacency, but I just need to keep reminding myself where I am and what I am doing. More checks on myself should help keep me on a positive course.
I’m slowly building up a streak that will make me feel like I am losing something if I give in now. In the past I have allowed that to slip into complacency, but I just need to keep reminding myself where I am and what I am doing. More checks on myself should help keep me on a positive course.
Will Stalwart
Active Member
20 days in now.
This is the smoothest run I have had so far. I think the journaling has made a huge difference, as has more regular check ins here.
I will admit that there have been a couple of instances that I have almost fell off course. A glance here or there, but I was able to recognise the behaviour and immediately pull myself back from the edge before I engaged, which is something I have always struggled with. But as the days tick by, I am having less and less of an urge to get drawn back in, and more motivation to push on.
Aiming for the full four weeks now.
This is the smoothest run I have had so far. I think the journaling has made a huge difference, as has more regular check ins here.
I will admit that there have been a couple of instances that I have almost fell off course. A glance here or there, but I was able to recognise the behaviour and immediately pull myself back from the edge before I engaged, which is something I have always struggled with. But as the days tick by, I am having less and less of an urge to get drawn back in, and more motivation to push on.
Aiming for the full four weeks now.
Will Stalwart
Active Member
I’ve been a way a short while and had a lot of time for self reflection. And with the new year approaching I wanted to check in.
My methods have not been getting me where I need to be. And the truth is that I have been letting certain behaviours slide, not counting them. They all of course lead to the same place.
So I started tracking progress with no more illusions and lies to myself. I am tracking month on month, with the goal of reducing failed days each time. I am counting even the slightest of slips as a failure, giving myself no room to squirm and rationalise my way out of it.
I was shocked looking back after the first month how bad it was. Those little lies I tell myself really do add up. But it is not hopeless.
I have found that being completely honest with myself that I have been able to reduce that number month on month. And while I am not where I want to be yet. I am hoping I can get to no failed days, realistically, by February.
As a caveat, this month has not been going great so far. I cannot have another failure without matching last month. So I have a tricky patch ahead of me. But one more failure will really spoil my current run, so I have the motivation to push on.
In the end all we can do is be honest with ourselves and keep trying. And I do believe my lack of honesty has held me back a lot.
My methods have not been getting me where I need to be. And the truth is that I have been letting certain behaviours slide, not counting them. They all of course lead to the same place.
So I started tracking progress with no more illusions and lies to myself. I am tracking month on month, with the goal of reducing failed days each time. I am counting even the slightest of slips as a failure, giving myself no room to squirm and rationalise my way out of it.
I was shocked looking back after the first month how bad it was. Those little lies I tell myself really do add up. But it is not hopeless.
I have found that being completely honest with myself that I have been able to reduce that number month on month. And while I am not where I want to be yet. I am hoping I can get to no failed days, realistically, by February.
As a caveat, this month has not been going great so far. I cannot have another failure without matching last month. So I have a tricky patch ahead of me. But one more failure will really spoil my current run, so I have the motivation to push on.
In the end all we can do is be honest with ourselves and keep trying. And I do believe my lack of honesty has held me back a lot.
Will Stalwart
Active Member
Been a while since I checked in.
I’ve been trying to build up a run so that I could feel good about posting something positive for once. It’s always hard seeing others doing well when I can’t break a month straight.
But I’m doing myself no favours staying away. And I am finding that I am improving. Longer streaks and less slip ups.
I still feel awful I’m still battling this out. But I just keep telling myself so long as I keep trying I haven’t failed yet.
I’ve been trying to build up a run so that I could feel good about posting something positive for once. It’s always hard seeing others doing well when I can’t break a month straight.
But I’m doing myself no favours staying away. And I am finding that I am improving. Longer streaks and less slip ups.
I still feel awful I’m still battling this out. But I just keep telling myself so long as I keep trying I haven’t failed yet.
Blondie
Respected Member
Hey @Will Stalwart, nice to see you. I understand the whole comparing yourself to everyone here, especially people who are "further" out than you, that's just part of being human. However, the thing is, no matter where you are on the number line, there will always be someone further out than you. That's just a fact! I could compare myself to GBS, who just passed three years (incredible), but I try not to. Do I feel jealous sometimes? Sure I do, however, I also realize I needed to get through some things (my own shit) first before being able to go past my number of almost two years when I blew it last; obviously I hadn't worked through everything yet. This is okay, because it's not about anyone else but YOU. I know that's easier said than done but it's really true. Figure out what you need to do to get past your own limitations and that's it. Leave everyone else to themselves. Sure it's fun to "compete" with others, but really we should only be competing with ourselves. That's what I aim to do, that is, to beat my OWN record and keep moving on to freedom after that.
We're all on our own journey here, but yet together all the same.
Best,
Blondie
We're all on our own journey here, but yet together all the same.
Best,
Blondie
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Impression
Member
Hey @Will Stalwart - well done for returning to post up here. That alone is profound and courageous and I respect you for it. I had a much longer break (over 2 years) when I was too ashamed to post about my failure and I too only felt comfy setting up another post with a two week streak. But after having been back for a month or so, I realised that comparison with others will likely get me nowhere, because as Blondie so correctly put it - there will always be someone ahead of you, and always someone behind you too. Stick with it for you. Ultimately you’re the only one who will taste the sweet success of each milestone that you reach, but we will be here to support you every step of the way.
Let’s do this!
Let’s do this!
Will Stalwart
Active Member
I appreciate all the kind words. And absolutely see where you are coming from. I even felt a bit childish admitting it, but it is simply how I felt at the time.
I need to keep myself accountable in some way, and I find that simply keeping a journal here is only ever a positive experience.
I am making slow progress but progress nonetheless, and that is something I need to focus on.
I need to keep myself accountable in some way, and I find that simply keeping a journal here is only ever a positive experience.
I am making slow progress but progress nonetheless, and that is something I need to focus on.
Will Stalwart
Active Member
Been in the clear since my last post and have been spending a bit of time trying to get my head around how to progress. I’ve felt so close for so long, but keep slipping up when I think I’m good.
I know the biggest failure is my phone. All the porn you could ever dream at your fingertips. The simple solution has been to put it out of arms reach and next to the photos of those I care about. The small distance itself has saved me a few times already, and having those photos there reminds me of what I’m doing even if I get so far as to reaching it. I’m hoping this will help me make the final step to kicking this.
I’ve also been reflecting on myself and what my main triggers are. And these triggers have nothing to do with arousal and everything to do with my mood. When I’m feeling down, it seems to drive me to this sort of thing. Like the world’s shittiest comfort blanket that only makes you feel worse. I’m hoping that just being aware of these feelings will help me recognise any time I am at risk, and bear the negative feeling rather than trying to soothe some monster and making it worse.
It is not logical, but then, that part of our brain isn’t working in logic.
I know the biggest failure is my phone. All the porn you could ever dream at your fingertips. The simple solution has been to put it out of arms reach and next to the photos of those I care about. The small distance itself has saved me a few times already, and having those photos there reminds me of what I’m doing even if I get so far as to reaching it. I’m hoping this will help me make the final step to kicking this.
I’ve also been reflecting on myself and what my main triggers are. And these triggers have nothing to do with arousal and everything to do with my mood. When I’m feeling down, it seems to drive me to this sort of thing. Like the world’s shittiest comfort blanket that only makes you feel worse. I’m hoping that just being aware of these feelings will help me recognise any time I am at risk, and bear the negative feeling rather than trying to soothe some monster and making it worse.
It is not logical, but then, that part of our brain isn’t working in logic.