War of the cycle

Will Stalwart

Will Stalwart

Active Member
Not such good news today. A monumental failure in fact. I ignored my own rules and had my phone next to me. Lead to a full blown spiral into the filth.

It’s left me feeling just angry. Full of self hatred. I know I’ll level out in a few days, but right now I do absolutely hate myself. I hate the person I am when I am on it. It bring out all of my worst emotions in a torrent and brings me absolutely no joy.

Tomorrow I’ll dust myself off and start again. But tonight I’m afraid I will be wallowing in the same storm of emotions I always have.
 
Will Stalwart

Will Stalwart

Active Member
Blondie said:
It's okay, @Will Stalwart, tomorrow is another day. Feel those emotions tonight, remember how it feels to feel that way, and then use that to move forward tomorrow.

You got this.
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I appreciate the show of support as always. It’s tomorrow now, so time to refocus.

I seem to be struggling to hit any meaningful stretch lately. And while I’m much better than I was (failing weekly rather than daily) this is still not great. In the past I’ve done better.

So time to take this seriously again. I don’t tend to set myself targets of days, but this time I fell it is necessary to get back to it. I’m aiming for 30 days.

It’s been a while since I hit that, but I know it’s a target that I can make. I also know that after hitting a target like this I am much less likely to fail any time soon. Previous failures after hitting 30 days were always due to complacency and a creeping back to bad habits. But if I hit that and ensure I frequent the forum, I am optimistic I can do better.

So 30 days it is. And I will try to drop in daily to mark my progress and remind myself what I am doing.

Day 1
 
Will Stalwart

Will Stalwart

Active Member
Day 6

Another busy day, so shouldn’t be problematic. After that I have a couple of days with a lot more free time. That is where any potential slips will occur.

Now, just got to get through today and tomorrow then I’ve cleared the first week.
 
Will Stalwart

Will Stalwart

Active Member
Day 7

Getting through the next couple of days is going to be my first real challenge. It is these sorts days when I have an abundance of free time that I find myself failing.

For today, I know that if I get through I then I will have made it a full week. Tomorrow will be a fresh challenge, but I have a renewed focus that I didn’t have last time.

This is a problem that likes to sneak up on you, and thrives on complacency. The only way to beat it is to stay focused.

So I’ll stay focused. Keeping all of my safeguards in place, giving myself minimal phone time. Hopefully that is enough to get me past this hurdle and onto some smoother sailing.
 
Will Stalwart

Will Stalwart

Active Member
Onto day 8, so first week cleared and the first of two tricky days down. Once I am past today I should be busy enough to keep myself occupied for a little while.

It has been a while now since I made it to 2 weeks, so that will be my next milestone on my journey to 30 days.

I’m feeling good about the week, but past experience has shown that this can easily lead to complacency, which is always my downfall. So as always, vigilance and commitment is key.
 
Will Stalwart

Will Stalwart

Active Member
Start of day 12 now.

So close to two weeks now. I can’t remember how long it has been since I got this far. I’ve always seemed to make silly mistakes around or before the 10 day mark recently.

And yet this time I haven’t found this short stretch too bad. Sure I’ve had cravings, but the small changes I’ve made have helped me overcome them when they have sprouted. As an added bonus, less phone time has allowed me to be more present at home.

I need to continue to keep my phone as far away from myself as possible when I am not using it. And I need to keep checking in here daily. I’ve found these small things, on top of everything else I have tried over my time fighting this, have begun to tip the scales.

But I think most importantly, I need to stay vigilant. I have not beat this yet, and falling back into it is far too easy. I am still at huge risk of landing back where I started.

This previous arrogance has always preceded a fall. I can’t let myself feel like I am past it, because it will land me back in it. It is complacency that has been my biggest enemy and I need to continue to remind myself the extent of the problem so I do not slip into this failed mindset.

We are flawed, but we keep trying to be better. That is what is important.
 
Will Stalwart

Will Stalwart

Active Member
Day 13 - almost at 2 weeks

Without my usual distractions, I am focusing on the feelings I am often trying to escape. And it is uncomfortable. Without the escape hatch to bury myself, I am not feeling my best today.

But I remind myself that these feelings are something that need to be faced head on, or I risk falling back into old practices.
 
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Blondie

Blondie

Respected Member
Nice job, @Will Stalwart, trying to deal with your uncomfortable feelings, this is by far one of the harder things on this journey. I have been having to do a lot of that recently, and sometimes you have to remind yourself just to breathe and tell yourself you'll be able to get through it.

You got this.
 
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Will Stalwart

Will Stalwart

Active Member
Appreciate the support @Blondie.

It’s been a tough day, and honestly I would have failed on any other recent attempt. But every time I go to open something I shouldn’t I check back here instead.

Breaking the normal pattern and seeing others fighting this too has got me through the day.
 
Will Stalwart

Will Stalwart

Active Member
Day 14

Get through today and I’ll have made it two weeks. Not much to some, but a huge milestone for me. It’s been a while since I was here.

I can feel my brain fighting against my will on this, but with such a milestone in my grasp I will not fail today. I want this too much.
 
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