Brother in this battle - My path to freedom

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PrometheusUnbound

Active Member
Freerider said:
Day 216 and 4. Good to see friends today. Good to have my loved ones near me also. Sad that i still have this way to try solve hard days or problems with masturbating or craving. Sad. Stupid me. Want to be sober from that shit. I am sad.
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Hi Freerider. It seems like you are doing really well on your journey on balance. I just want to say that you are not stupid for having cravings and the thought that masturbating will solve the hard days. It's natural after years of programming - and wanting to be sober is the opposite of stupid anyway. On the MO front, personally it has taken a long time to get to a place where I understand that it can't solve my problems and will actually cause me more if I do it. I would definitely suggest looking into self-compassion as it seems you can be quite hard on yourself.

All the best and keep up the good work!
 
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Freerider

Active Member
Day 217 and 5. Lot of sport today. I listen music while running and start crying. Lot of worry and fear inside of me because of finance issues etc work related worries. Day by day. At leaat i am in better condition than before. I will survive. I will be stronger after this.
 
Percival

Percival

Active Member
Freerider said:
Day 217 and 5. Lot of sport today. I listen music while running and start crying. Lot of worry and fear inside of me because of finance issues etc work related worries. Day by day. At leaat i am in better condition than before. I will survive. I will be stronger after this.
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Sorry to hear about this. Worry and stress makes life really difficult; been there, done that. You are doing really well to not turn to porn to "help" with that. As you know, it will only distract you for a while, not really help, and you'd only feel worse later.
 
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Freerider

Active Member
Day 219 and 7. I make exception to my weekly report right now. I feel frustrated little. I hoped to got some intimicy with my wife but not. This is the moment when i easy slipping at least to masturbating. I try not, but just realized how important this forum is to me. Here i am not alone again this m and p shit. New plan now on holiday is to write here when feeling so and continue of course rebooting and sober life every day. I though that if i can take a break of thinging about rebooting might be good but lets see how it goes. Its my safety net against this shit.
 
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Freerider

Active Member
Day 225 and 13. Tried to have sex with my wife but somehow i was too hurry and mess it up and at the end couldnt do it at all. there's nothing else about it but my selfesteem is based on whether my mojo is working or not. and when not, I feel miserable. This is reboot, this is my life. Hope tomorrow feel better.
 
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Freerider

Active Member
Day 227 and 15. I have to focus on closeness and tenderness. I have been the slave of lust and desire. I want to appear good and sometimes a victim of circumstances because it sounds easier to myself than admitting that I am guilty and responsible for my own reduced state. I am guilty of avoiding facing the truth in a difficult life to porn and masturbation. I have done wrong to myself and my loved ones by avoiding responsibility. it feels bad but it's true. I'm crying because I feel bad.
 
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NYC

NYC

Member
Freerider said:
Day 227 and 15. I have to focus on closeness and tenderness. I have been the slave of lust and desire. I want to appear good and sometimes a victim of circumstances because it sounds easier to myself than admitting that I am guilty and responsible for my own reduced state. I am guilty of avoiding facing the truth in a difficult life to porn and masturbation. I have done wrong to myself and my loved ones by avoiding responsibility. it feels bad but it's true. I'm crying because I feel bad.
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Hang tough, you have the sight picture, give yourself some grace, Im right there with you and those feelings, but these too will heal, I do belive we are created to do good, we just stray the path sometimes, key is you have found the path and working to walk it!
 
Percival

Percival

Active Member
@Freerider: You are not a slave, though. Slaves have no choice: they can only give up and exist in whatever way their masters order. You're already recognized the mistakes you've made and are working to get free of the entanglement. Accept the guilt but don't wallow in it, and move on. Resolve that today will be better and leave yesterday in the past. And when you mess up---and you will---put that in the past too and get back up and keep trying. Never surrender!
 
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Freerider

Active Member
Day 229 and 17. Thanks guys for your comments! Today with better feelings! Its always good to share with somebody even hard feelings or thoughts.
 
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Freerider

Active Member
Day 235 and 23. I have rest and had holiday. I feel that brainfog and stress has decreased. I hope i have more power and trust to do what need fix the finances and get incomes from different kind of jobs. > so long last years or fucking decades i had escaped stressfull situations with porn and masturbation so if i am sober the situation will be much clear. Hope i can handle this better than in past.
 
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Freerider

Active Member
Day 239 and 27. Still couple days holiday. Have still problems with sex and mojo. Hope to get good sex with my wife but somehow iam too scared and couldnt do it. Dont know why. Have to continue with reboot of course but i hope i get my normal sexlife back some day with my wife.
 
NYC

NYC

Member
Freerider said:
Day 239 and 27. Still couple days holiday. Have still problems with sex and mojo. Hope to get good sex with my wife but somehow iam too scared and couldnt do it. Dont know why. Have to continue with reboot of course but i hope i get my normal sexlife back some day with my wife.
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No where in my journey of reboot as you, but these same feelings exist, Im right there with you. When we had sex last Dec, it was after like almost 4yrs, anxiety high, expectations is thing that will do ya in, relaxed, went slow, wasnt worried what it would, needed to or might end in or with, just try to soak up the intimacy and some of the other things will take care of themselves. Biggest take away, after such a break - wanting to rush! The old parts are more geared for slow, steady and easy these days. Best!
 
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