Brother in this battle - My path to freedom

Freerider

Active Member
Day 240 and 28. everything went well today. still I am restless and feel insecurity and fear. an inner restlessness troubles me. I have to do my best every day and live life to the fullest, enjoying the journey. trusting. I wish I could.

a man whose mojo has been blown away is like a shadow of himself.
 

Freerider

Active Member
Day 241 and 29. I didn’t slept well. Couldn’t get my dick up while we almost had sex with my wife. Life is quite a mess. I will fight anyway. My best reboot days ever and nothing works. Don’t have that job than just partly. But i dont care, i will continue reboot. I do my best every day. I will love my wife. I dont want any addiction anymore.

I also somehow feel good while the structures and safety walls fall and I am crying. I build life which look like me and will find job or business and I do different jobs at the beginning, I guess a bad feeling when its real is better than a fake feeling even it is good. God have mercy on me, i am here and i am asking guidance and advice in this difficult situation.

Always something good on any day althougt also shit happens and i had feelings.
 
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Freerider

Active Member
Day 242 and 0. I'm tired. I reset the masturbation stat, I'm not proud of it but I was in a terrible cycle. I'm now focusing on the good things and I'm working to get everything in order. I've kind of messed up that natural sexual interaction with my wife with my own actions. now it's not straight up porn or anything like that. it is the compulsive seeking of lust and satisfaction and tying my self-esteem to it can i do it or not. i need to calm down and love my wife. things will work out.

the journey to become a more balanced person is long, but luckily I'm already taking fumbling steps and have been taking them for eight or nine months already!
 

Freerider

Active Member
I feel down. I've had a headache since morning and somehow the whole day has passed in a mental low mood. it's strange because in the morning the wife worked really hard so that we could make love. the end result was good, but I feel like a living corpse when I'm not able to do it properly.

I feel so bad that I go for a run and see if that helps. > 1,5h jogging helps. Much better feeling.
 
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Freerider

Active Member
Yesterday fine but today 247 and 0. I got some bad news from job and couldnt handle myself amd masturbate. Again heahache day but i got some new migraine medicine which helps. > i see my weak moments with masturbation quite clear now. I renew myself somehow and go jogging or write here or do anything else than masturbate on bad moments, thats my plan. I am weak but i dont escape reality.
 

Percival

Active Member
Lots of us (most? all) use masturbation and/or porn as a numbing drug when we feel bad, for whatever reason. I know I do. Kudos to you for being honest with yourself, recognizing the weakness, and finding something else to fill the need. Keep going, one day at a time!
 

Freerider

Active Member
Day 248 and 1. Today i made some work, had lunch with my wife. I listened again https://drjoedispenza.com/ s book breaking the habit of being yourself. Its fascinating, and even it doesnt speak just porn reboot all the facts works also with it. I believe this autumn will be good and i will make some great stuff. I want to break old activity and thought processes. build new ones instead and make healthier routines.
 

Freerider

Active Member
Day 249 and 2. Im pretty sure i get my ”mojo” back and will work to have emotions, intimacy and connection with my wife back. today we took a long walk in the forest and talked lot. the funny thing here is that the last time we walked in that forest was last fall, when I had noticed that the dick is not standing and things are going wrong again, even though I have been trying to get rid of porn and masturbation for years. After that i found this group and start writing here. That was 250 days ago :) i also got porn blocker in new modem on that time, with so difficult password that i havent even think about hack it. Of course there are ways but i somehow i havent even wanted to try its limits. only thing which still bothers me is instagram and facebook and their videos.. there are some content about pretty girls etc which is not good for me. Its not porn but something which is still bad for me. I dont want to confuse my head with them.

Anyways im grateful about every day without porn and i am happy about all the positive things which happening when sober. Still i am sometimes depressive and sometimes grumpy. I try to do some breathing practises and come down. I need to get new job quite fast, but somehow this quiet and easy time last months has been also good for me and reboot.

Thanks guys being here also and all the support!
 
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Freerider

Active Member
Day 250 and 3. I am tired. I finally got the renovation work started. I was a little depressed all summer when there was no money. Still not much money, but I was able to buy the materials. need to get stronger, need to trust myself. Need to trust on future. I still couldn’t do sex but i trust that it get better when i get my head working.. now i am tired and confused about work and all. Getting better, i trust..
 
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Freerider

Active Member
Day 251 and 4. I though that this autumn will be awesome. But what that means, i think that i dont have experience of porn sober autumn for decades. So normal autumn and normal life will be that awesome :)
 
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Percival

Active Member
Well done, and keep going! It doesn't get better as sharply and quickly as it gets worse, but the effects are longer and better.
 
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Freerider

Active Member
Day 254 and 0. Yesterday evening i though than that i didn’t think about porn or masturbation or reboot at all whole day. So can say it was quite a good day. Today i was alone home and chose that old masturbation habit way. I am not proud of that. Once again back to the track now..
 
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Freerider

Active Member
Day 258 and 0 again.
I had a big fight against porn today because I'm so frustrated that sex things haven't worked out with my wife despite the long reboot.

the only thing that saved me was the firewall and the protections of all the devices which codes I didn't remember when I deliberately made them so that I don't know them.

I think that i am stressed sex so much that my brains are in wrong mode to feel pleasure or enjoy to be with my wife.. some text from book https://www.blinkist.com/books/why-zebras-dont-get-ulcers-en

For men, stress leads to premature ejaculation and difficulty achieving an erection. The process of getting an erection is managed by the parasympathetic autonomic nervous system, which, as you recall, is responsible for slowing the body down. One has to be calm and relaxed to get an erection – that is, the opposite of stressed.

Orgasms, on the other hand, occur only after the heart and breathing rate increase through the sympathetic system. As such, sexual therapists recommend taking deep breaths to avoid climaxing early, as expanding the chest muscles produces a signal that promotes parasympathetic activity.

Erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation are also major causes of stress, and since they typically occur during times of stress, this can cause men to become trapped in a vicious cycle of performance anxiety.

In women, stress decreases the production and secretion of the hormone estrogen, leading to irregular menstruation cycles and a loss of libido.

Estrogen plays a crucial rule in women’s sexuality by increasing the sensitivity of the genitals and other parts of the body. What’s more, the hormone also gets picked up by receptors in regions of the brain that are active during salacious thoughts.

Usually, estrogen is produced by converting another hormone called androgen. Under chronic stress, however, this conversion process comes to a halt, and androgen concentrations build up, inhibiting numerous steps in the reproductive system.”
 
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Freerider

Active Member
Day 259 and 0. I have had hard times lately. Now i start again avoiding that m. and get that days number higher. I just made some exclude rules for instagram feed, because i feel uncomfortable or too comfortable while there is sometimes some pictures about woman with dress etc. I don’t need that kind of distraction for reboot. I am concentrate to get my erection back and hopefully make my wife happy some day.
 

NYC

Member
Day 258 and 0 again.
I had a big fight against porn today because I'm so frustrated that sex things haven't worked out with my wife despite the long reboot.

the only thing that saved me was the firewall and the protections of all the devices which codes I didn't remember when I deliberately made them so that I don't know them.

I think that i am stressed sex so much that my brains are in wrong mode to feel pleasure or enjoy to be with my wife.. some text from book https://www.blinkist.com/books/why-zebras-dont-get-ulcers-en

For men, stress leads to premature ejaculation and difficulty achieving an erection. The process of getting an erection is managed by the parasympathetic autonomic nervous system, which, as you recall, is responsible for slowing the body down. One has to be calm and relaxed to get an erection – that is, the opposite of stressed.

Orgasms, on the other hand, occur only after the heart and breathing rate increase through the sympathetic system. As such, sexual therapists recommend taking deep breaths to avoid climaxing early, as expanding the chest muscles produces a signal that promotes parasympathetic activity.

Erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation are also major causes of stress, and since they typically occur during times of stress, this can cause men to become trapped in a vicious cycle of performance anxiety.

In women, stress decreases the production and secretion of the hormone estrogen, leading to irregular menstruation cycles and a loss of libido.

Estrogen plays a crucial rule in women’s sexuality by increasing the sensitivity of the genitals and other parts of the body. What’s more, the hormone also gets picked up by receptors in regions of the brain that are active during salacious thoughts.

Usually, estrogen is produced by converting another hormone called androgen. Under chronic stress, however, this conversion process comes to a halt, and androgen concentrations build up, inhibiting numerous steps in the reproductive system.”
Really appreciate the explanations, very helpful. Nlw if someone had that silver bullet for us men to get the shot out of our head over performance anxiety, that would be a delight! Keep hanging in there! I too had long bouts of no sex with my wife, and i know i used P and MO almost as a revenge thing, i can say that now, like, I'll show her, so spiteful and misplaced. Theres no feel of failure with P and MO, but there is because it leads to all this other shit, we are all dealing with in these forums, i say good company, but you know what i mean. Great shares, very therapeutic and supportive! Cheers Man.
 

Freerider

Active Member
Day 262. I have been sick and fought with masturbation while staying home all days. Sad week. But some hope also, now have to just do right things more and contentrate to make plans less. Everything will be allright.
 
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