Day 313 and 4. I am determined, I want to stay sober and stay away from m things because they drive me in the wrong direction. I have been doing a lot of sports and my self-confidence has grown. there is still much to do. Sometimes sadness and depression rise to the surface. Thats okay, those are just feelings.
Brother in this battle - My path to freedom
- Thread starter Freerider
- Start date
Day 314 and 5. I cut off the accustomed paths of my nerves to old habits. I recode healthier thought patterns and ways of acting into my thoughts. I keep myself doing good things as much as possible because then I'm not doing bad things. Cold water swimming in icy water is great, try it!
Day 316 and 7. I am scaring. I was so close to get job. maybe I was too tough to negotiate or my ego came before thinking. past successes do not guarantee the same benefits in the future.
reboot is a real reset. hopefully the unnecessary will be removed and the clean and good will remain.
Being almost unemployed causes friction with the wife as well. there are comments and sighs that i have to do this and that, and you just stay home. Sometimes i think that I am useless and rejected and unfit here, trying to survive with layoff money. it's not the wife's fault to be frustrated at times, this is a frustrating situation for everyone.
Day by day. it's weird that there are all the possibilities in the world, but some inner invisible force keeps me in place and I haven't been able to do everything great and possible. inner depression, uncertainty and fear. porn and masurbation has been a substitute activity to which I became addicted. Fucking awesome. I wish I could get rid of that crap and what it has brought.
Also lot of good things in my life. But somehow its hard to enjoy those if you are addicted.
confusing that almost a year ago I started this reboot when I just cried and the penis didn't get an erection. what a mess, but now I can see a little more clearly where I am.
reboot is a real reset. hopefully the unnecessary will be removed and the clean and good will remain.
Being almost unemployed causes friction with the wife as well. there are comments and sighs that i have to do this and that, and you just stay home. Sometimes i think that I am useless and rejected and unfit here, trying to survive with layoff money. it's not the wife's fault to be frustrated at times, this is a frustrating situation for everyone.
Day by day. it's weird that there are all the possibilities in the world, but some inner invisible force keeps me in place and I haven't been able to do everything great and possible. inner depression, uncertainty and fear. porn and masurbation has been a substitute activity to which I became addicted. Fucking awesome. I wish I could get rid of that crap and what it has brought.
Also lot of good things in my life. But somehow its hard to enjoy those if you are addicted.
confusing that almost a year ago I started this reboot when I just cried and the penis didn't get an erection. what a mess, but now I can see a little more clearly where I am.
TakeActionNow
Respected Member
I read and feel you.
I too am going through the same.
I return to write here because I needed to work this out.
Please read my blog from the last few days. I hope it can give you some help and direction.
We must raise our own game.
You can do this.
I too am going through the same.
I return to write here because I needed to work this out.
Please read my blog from the last few days. I hope it can give you some help and direction.
We must raise our own game.
You can do this.
TakeActionNow
Respected Member
I've had them before.
Kind of a mini anxiety attack.
What helped me was endless repetion of mantra
"I love myself"
"Everything will be alright"
I kept repeating them until I feel asleep.
It was helpful for me to not go into uncontrolled thoughts spiral
It happened to me after my car got smashed.
That night was very stressful for me.
I hope this helps you
Kind of a mini anxiety attack.
What helped me was endless repetion of mantra
"I love myself"
"Everything will be alright"
I kept repeating them until I feel asleep.
It was helpful for me to not go into uncontrolled thoughts spiral
It happened to me after my car got smashed.
That night was very stressful for me.
I hope this helps you
Thanks! Sometimes my life is like an onion. When i think i have solve some issues, there come next layer and new things to process..
Day 323 and 1. I need to increase my tolerance for everyday life. too easily I turn anxiety and embarrassment into harmful behavior. I can take it for two weeks and too often there I've reached the limit. not with the number of days, but it's sad that I'm still solving my bad feelings with the wrong method.
I had wonderful days with my wife. And what next when normal life starts i used my normal life methods to survive. I have to learn new methods to handle uncertainty and bad feelings. Next time I go somewhere where there are other people and write here in my blog when that fear hit me. I hope that change perspective to those feelings and i dont avoid difficult feelings with m.
I had wonderful days with my wife. And what next when normal life starts i used my normal life methods to survive. I have to learn new methods to handle uncertainty and bad feelings. Next time I go somewhere where there are other people and write here in my blog when that fear hit me. I hope that change perspective to those feelings and i dont avoid difficult feelings with m.
Day 326
Everyday fight against the addiction inside me. it wants quick pleasure. it wants to avoid difficult feelings, or I don't know if it cares one bit about the real world. for addiction, it is enough to seek a moment's pleasure, which gets further away all the time. when you give yourself, there isn't much left.
Everyday fight against the addiction inside me. it wants quick pleasure. it wants to avoid difficult feelings, or I don't know if it cares one bit about the real world. for addiction, it is enough to seek a moment's pleasure, which gets further away all the time. when you give yourself, there isn't much left.
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Day 327. I see what I'm doing and it's not how I get free from addiction. masturbation is not good for me because it keeps the thread of addiction live. I'm starting to write a diary on paper just for myself, I even thought that after I've written and let out my fears and anxieties on paper, I'll read them and burn them in the fireplace. I want them out of me, I don't want to live in the past.
Still in trouble althougt near to one year on this reboot phase. But now i see and understant what i do. Its weird that i couldn’t stop that mastubation craving very easy.
Still in trouble althougt near to one year on this reboot phase. But now i see and understant what i do. Its weird that i couldn’t stop that mastubation craving very easy.
Day 330 and 0. the moment of truth. I'm addicted and it comes up from inside me and takes control of me. I am a passenger in my own life. I have fell back into masturbation, no porn, but not much is missing. i am so sad and ashamed. i am scared guilt gnaws at me. I write in my journal and being sad and crying.
I listen to worship music and it gives me some comfort. I can't get far here on my own. it's been quite a journey so far. I thought I was getting stronger and my willpower was growing. I have become stronger, but this shit hits me right in the face. God help me, Alone i am too deep in this shit. You guys have been big help for me. Angels who has taken hit also in the world.
10000 reasons
I listen to worship music and it gives me some comfort. I can't get far here on my own. it's been quite a journey so far. I thought I was getting stronger and my willpower was growing. I have become stronger, but this shit hits me right in the face. God help me, Alone i am too deep in this shit. You guys have been big help for me. Angels who has taken hit also in the world.
10000 reasons
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NYC
Member
@Freerider Hey Bro, give yourself a bit of grace, you have great progress, I find, for me, an occassional MO an expression of freedom and relaxation, I just have to mindful of chaser effect. I know this can be tricky, but you have expressed many ways you are working your reboot, lean into those. Glad you come here to share! We are there eith you! Hang strong!
Thanks NYC! I preciate your thoughts! I wouldn't worry about innocent masturbation. now I feel like the whole porn world is drawn to me and explains that you are in pain while here is complete and relief to your worries in this fantasy world. I've already been on autopilot and going on that direction. Now I try to get out of it and say NO, I don't want that anymore. Thats not a option.
I walked on that direction yesterday and was in that intoxicating feeling of addiction and I was guided from outside myself, it was not that kind of innocent mastubation but the compelling need to act and attraction of the porn world. And if I give the power for that, its useless to be here anymore. But i cannot be destroyed. I cant sink in that porn world. I have family and i have to get better and live in real world. I want that. I have worked for that .I need to learn to appreciate and love myself. I am pretty sure that i dont go anymore in that porn shit world. I have been there too long. begging for the next dose of dopamine and relief from the pain.
what are you when you're alone when nobody's watching?
what you think in your mind and what drives you? that's how I know I'm not well yet. My world is messy and has addiction still in my mind.
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Day 331 and 1. Today better day.
be kind to yourself, love yourself, say you are good, you are good the way you are. Even if everything doesn't always go perfectly, you're fine just the way you are. you are okay with your mistakes, you don't want to put yourself on the altar of addiction, you want to be and live. fight for what is good. Hug yourself when you fall, fall forward and get back up and keep going.
be kind to yourself, love yourself, say you are good, you are good the way you are. Even if everything doesn't always go perfectly, you're fine just the way you are. you are okay with your mistakes, you don't want to put yourself on the altar of addiction, you want to be and live. fight for what is good. Hug yourself when you fall, fall forward and get back up and keep going.
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NYC
Member
@FreeI hear and understand what you are expressing. As I examine myself, against what you shared and use your questions to compare myself then and now, I first can answer your questions from two perspectives: Porn/No sex with my wife; No Porn/Sex with my Wife. So since early Jan 2024 up to Jul 7 2024, Porn, no sexual relations since Jan 2024, and before then almost 4 years, felt trapped, by the P that gives way to ignoring intimacy or even healthy relationships, wife and others, feelings of guilt and helplessness to stop, realized levels of P were escalating to even get off, the effects of the dopamine high were negatively affecting me, I felt trapped and I experienced everyone of the comments often and repeatedly stated in this forum, but we all know how that goes, MO with P, I felt edgy, seeing things I thought Id like and want in real life but couldnt have, like sex, I was not connecting what was preventing sex though, and found ways to blame, in my head, my wife for me wanting to look at P and MOing, I was using it as a pay back, unbeknownst to her, then I was caught jerking to P by my wife, that significant emotional events folloewed by the gut wrenching aftermath, and reality I was going to lose her and everything, turned me around, I wrote a 5-page letter which i read to her, i keep that for a reminder. In August 2024 we resumed sexual relations with great success and a renewed spirit and sense of dpeth to our marriage. No P/Sex and MO now, in my mind now - it feels like an expression of relaxation, feel good, getting in touch with my whole self, no sexual fantasies, just feeling the feel good sensation(s), why I do it occasionally, feeling of release, need or want for more sex, I like being outdoors and when I am I get this sense of freedom and expression which takes me to MO, at times.
TakeActionNow
Respected Member
100% agree on unconditional self acceptance.
Thank you very much for this excellent post.