Brother in this battle - My path to freedom
- Thread starter Freerider
- Start date
Day 527. I made lifeaudit. Lot of good things in life at the moment. I still feel like escaping from fear and anxiety by masturbating sometimes. I realized that it's not good for me. I'm now focusing on facing life as it is. There's no escape. I cant do any concessions to addiction.
Day 534. Life is happening. Mostly good things, also small challnges of course.
Love and intimacy are a big mystery. Masturbation and the distance or tension it creates have sometimes caused a shadow of addiction, which still reflects on the relationship with my wife.
Even though I'm practicing presence myself, the challenges of the years with porn and masturbation have left their mark.
Some of this tension and fear of performing can cause me to not get my dick erect when sex with my wife would be possible. Then afterwards it does work, which is frustrating.
And of course it happened now when i choose not to masturbate at all. How its possible that when i reallly, really waited intimicy with my wife i couldn’t have erection.
but, day by day. I have done long journey, i will continue. Not going back.
Love and intimacy are a big mystery. Masturbation and the distance or tension it creates have sometimes caused a shadow of addiction, which still reflects on the relationship with my wife.
Even though I'm practicing presence myself, the challenges of the years with porn and masturbation have left their mark.
Some of this tension and fear of performing can cause me to not get my dick erect when sex with my wife would be possible. Then afterwards it does work, which is frustrating.
And of course it happened now when i choose not to masturbate at all. How its possible that when i reallly, really waited intimicy with my wife i couldn’t have erection.
but, day by day. I have done long journey, i will continue. Not going back.
Day 540. As the speed of everyday life increases, I find myself drifting closer and closer to a situation where I need to relieve the pressure by masturbating. I make a new start in my recovery from masturbation and solve my problems and fears with healthier ways .https://www.pivotalrecovery.org/further-resources/
Percival
Active Member
I am far from any kind of expert, but I wonder if some of this is due to anxiety. They say the brain is the biggest sex organ (or something like that) so how hard you are thinking about it does have some effect on how hard you can get (or not). I've certainly experienced that myself, but when I can relax and not worry about it then everything works fine.
That said, I don't have any particular advice for you other than keep going forward and I think time will solve these issues too. Keep going!
GBS
Respected Member
Hi Freebie, I think you are well centred with what you say. Biased as I am on the masturbation subject I just think trying to cope without is powerful in so many ways and I applaud you very loudly. Also the resolve it takes is fortifying and you get more done through healthier solutions. Win win. Nice job, pal. Keep up the good work, your brain thanks you.
Day 554. Good things that I handled my fears and did quite a good job at work. I am addict but a healing addict. Things are going in the right direction little by little. No secrets from my wife. I'm still too interested in masturbating sometimes. One day at a time.
I listened to Brian Tracy's Goals audiobook. Really good ideas and exercises. For example, write down a dozen goals in a notebook every day. Then write down concrete actions to promote the goals. Simple but effective. By writing regularly, you program your brain towards goals and tasks and during the day, you almost without noticing, you promote your goals.
Its actually little same how we have promrammed our brain to porn. Now straight to better goals.
I listened to Brian Tracy's Goals audiobook. Really good ideas and exercises. For example, write down a dozen goals in a notebook every day. Then write down concrete actions to promote the goals. Simple but effective. By writing regularly, you program your brain towards goals and tasks and during the day, you almost without noticing, you promote your goals.
Its actually little same how we have promrammed our brain to porn. Now straight to better goals.
Day 558. I am confused and little depressed feeling. Mostly everything going well. Just so tired and used forces to all tasks and jobs and so on. So what is left is emptiness and i opened computer and looked some girlvideo. It didn’t feel good. I dont want it. It is empty life.
Its something i dont want. Its not real life.
I try to go somewhere else. Do some real life things. Old life is not good for me.
I will continue this reboot. This is what guided me from hells gates to this point in life.
Going forward to good, just a little hard moments on the road..
Its something i dont want. Its not real life.
I try to go somewhere else. Do some real life things. Old life is not good for me.
I will continue this reboot. This is what guided me from hells gates to this point in life.
Going forward to good, just a little hard moments on the road..
Day 559. I'm fighting for life. I'm fighting for my relationship. Clearly, the world of porn and fantasy is trying to whisper the promise of a better reality into my ear. I limp and uncertainly drag myself away from it. Real life is real. Real life is good even when its not perfect, its perfect because its nor perfect.
I am creating a new lifestyle for me
When i combine exercise, socializing, spirituality, healthy and purposeful living, the old will naturally fall away because my life will have more purpose.. so they said, its not easy but i will do it.
I am creating a new lifestyle for me
When i combine exercise, socializing, spirituality, healthy and purposeful living, the old will naturally fall away because my life will have more purpose.. so they said, its not easy but i will do it.
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Day 582. Superstressed workweek. But actually i have managed it so far quite good althoug fear and all scares etc.. tried not to consentrate on own feelings, just jobs and meetings case by case. Now feel little better, its learning experience of own feelings and fears. They want to tell something, need to listen.
Day 584. Little freetime, its nice. I have started sport training program, some excercise every workdays morning. Its good, it changed my focus from myself to training and it gives good start for day. I have had last two weeks really hard working. It was super good that after hard week my wife gave some respect to me and we had pretty good sex. There is something difficult still but i am happy that we had that moment.
Day 585. Life is too short to worry about the past. There is no point in living in the future either. I want to live in the moment in a way that I am balanced and happy with what I am and what I have. Vacation. It is good for the brain. I reset it from the burden of everyday life.
Blondie
Respected Member
You're looking good, @Freerider, thanks for inspiring.
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Day 600. The number is nomore relevant, this is lifelong journey.
I have struggled for several years to get rid of masturbation and porn. Underneath it was revealed unprocessed fear and shame. Broken self-esteem. I have avoided pain and shame with porn, alcohol, performance at work and in life.
I have noticed that prisoners do not have all the life skills for freedom. That is why prison sounds familiar and safe. At least they know what the hell is going on.
I have found a broken person in myself. Who has not dealt with his issues.
That is a good start. It is good to take steps towards freedom from my own prisons.
I want to stop building walls around myself. Fear and shame have been my companions. I have fallen into loneliness.
I want to step into the light. Into the company of others. To be accepted and loved. And I am. I just haven't been able to love myself. And I haven't been able to love others because of that either.
I have struggled for several years to get rid of masturbation and porn. Underneath it was revealed unprocessed fear and shame. Broken self-esteem. I have avoided pain and shame with porn, alcohol, performance at work and in life.
I have noticed that prisoners do not have all the life skills for freedom. That is why prison sounds familiar and safe. At least they know what the hell is going on.
I have found a broken person in myself. Who has not dealt with his issues.
That is a good start. It is good to take steps towards freedom from my own prisons.
I want to stop building walls around myself. Fear and shame have been my companions. I have fallen into loneliness.
I want to step into the light. Into the company of others. To be accepted and loved. And I am. I just haven't been able to love myself. And I haven't been able to love others because of that either.
