Brother in this battle - My path to freedom

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Freerider

Active Member
Day 654 and 8. I try to focus on life and put everything into it. To focus on my loved ones and my own and their well-being.

Fears strike sometimes, I try to smile and face them. Sometimes it works. Life is short here on earth. We have to fast-forward ourselves to life, even to the point of ”fake it until make it”. That is so that i go and do things even if i don't feel ready for it yet. It never feels like it. The feelings come afterwards, when life gets back on track.

Let's fix life first and then heal from addiction. Let's read what @Blondie and @GBS write. They are wise writers. Let's live life! Strength for the day!
 
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Freerider

Active Member
It is with great sadness that I have to announce that I slipped up and watched porn and jerked off. I thought I would say it out loud because honesty is the only thing that keeps me sane and I don't want to be caught up in a web of lies. That's about the hero numbers here..

I won't start watching porn in the future, it's just crap. I'll continue to fight again porn, be honestly and hang out here. And so, I'm further along than I was two years ago. My brain is not rotten. I don’t think to rotten them.

Like @Blondie said something about it, reboot isnot so black and white, we can choose are we slaves or do we fight against this shit. I will fight now and in the future!
 
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Freerider

Active Member
Had a great weekend with my wife with closeness and even sex. Now everyday life and the pressures of work are piling up in my mind. Fears and discomfort. avoiding them has been my way of coping. now maybe I will sing and face all my fears and monsters, if it eats me at least for now the pain will ease.

I think that counting the days is useful and was even necessary for me at the beginning of the reboot. Now I feel like I've made a mistake after almost two years, but I'm still further along than I was on the first day two years ago. On the other hand, humility is necessary because my own strength always runs out in the face of addiction. A complicated thought, I would say that I'm quite far along and at the same time at the beginning.
 
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Freerider

Active Member
Mostly good days. I am thinking do I need at the moment just normal days count without porn and jerking or something different.. what you think, after aproximatly two years rebooting just days or something like this?

Every day is either progress or setback. -1. (you didn't do much) -2 (terrible disaster) , +1 (normal good day, maybe not the maximum but you do it) +2 (maximum day)

And is it just porn -2, jerking -1 etc or also other life areas included? Just thinking..

Anyway today day 1.
 
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Freerider

Active Member
Day 3. this is about sobriety. i don't give room to porn. i don't give room to masturbation to avoid difficulties. i focus on life. i focus on good things. i set goals for every day that i strive for. everything has to start from balance and peace.
i bury my ego and listen to its screams. i apologize if i hurt someone with my words or actions. when i do more things, sometimes mistakes will happen. it's better to live, do, apologize if i make a mistake, try again.
 
F

Freerider

Active Member
Day 2. I have had whole october day twos and threes about masturbation. Its frustrating. In a way, the long reboot (667 days or something) has worked on my brain. I now have a sex life with my wife and less brain fog. However, I can't say that I'm completely healthy, when I think that I've been running away from my fears and anxieties almost my entire life, anywhere drinking beer or porn or masturbation. But I believe that I'm more ready now for a new reboot phase that will take me forward in liberation towards being relaxed and being myself, being present in the moment, not escaping to masturbation and of course still not porn. I'm a pretty broken person, and this isn't easy for me. I'm trying to do my best and learn to be kind to myself.
 
F

Freerider

Active Member
Day 8. Towards the weekend. There is a lot to do in life, it feels like recovery is more of a wavy curve than a straight line to better life. Challenges follow better days and the same challenges are always faced again. I hope that healing happens and is sufficient. Have you received any kind of support from therapy? Is it helpful? I wonder if I should acknowledge my own limitations and talk to someone?
 
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Freerider

Active Member
Day 0. It's easier to write here when things are going well or progressing on some respectable metric. It's harder when you don't meet the progress on the metrics. But i am on my track to sober life. I am not quitting this. Keep going.
 
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Freerider

Active Member
I want to tell you that I've been on a silence retreat without the internet, enjoying a Thai latte and hugging trees during this break.

But somehow it havent work like that, I am healthier than before over 600 days reboot, but I didn't quite get rid of porn and masturbation. this community is an important cornerstone in my healing so why be away from here. here I am again! Healing, living getting support and hopely support others too!
 
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Freerider

Active Member
Life feels heavy. Many setbacks and a serious injury to a child from sport accident. I took a long-awaited vacation sick. Negotiations for a change at work began and my job is under threat. Money is tight. I feel anxious and have used my credit card too much when my expenses exceed my income.

It's hard to be, I still feel sick, just like I have a cold. But I don't feel any emotions sometimes. I survive so I can cope and help others. I looked for comfort in looking at pantyhose girls on Instagram. That's the wrong way. I'm inconsolable.

The accident was also a blessing in disguise, it could have been worse. Now the child should get better. I'm still so tired and it hurts inside.

can i just rest. can someone tell me that things will be okay. i'm tired. i'm on my recovery journey from porn and masturbation even though i've been without for a long time. there's a restlessness inside me.
 
F

Freerider

Active Member
At least I know the mechanisms of action in my own being. my own illnesses and weaknesses. I am fighting today to make today a good day. various adversities will come and there will always be a reason why I would escape to masturbation and why I feel restless inside. I will not let resistance weigh me down forever. I bend but I do not fall. I sometimes make mistakes but I do not give up. A lot of good has already happened. I will hold on to the good and continue the journey. good luck to everyone on their own journeys towards health!
 
Percival

Percival

Active Member
Sorry to hear that, @Freerider, all of it. Glad the kid is getting better. And I know, I know, how all of that stress and pilings-on just makes you escape, or want to escape, to porn or something close to porn. If you're like me, it isn't fun when you're feeling this way, but it's numbing for a while. Don't beat yourself up too hard: the way you're feeling and the way you responded is perfectly normal (which is not to say right, but normal).

Good times come, and then bad times, and then good times will come again (and then bad times, too), and part of being human is learning our own cycles and how we deal with them (or don't, or are tempted to), and learning how to bend without breaking. And you're doing that.
 
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Freerider

Active Member
more setbacks came. but the positive thing was to notice that I could act in the midst of difficulties and save my loved ones in times of need. now everything is for the better. I also cried my tears alone at night. the pain came out of me. that distress and fear. I cried and prayed.

I feel depressed. But that's how it goes, and if I get in the mood by jerking off or watching porn, it's not real. I'd rather suffer. I'll go one day at a time and trust that the world will carry me and God will guide me.
 
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Freerider

Active Member
Day 1 without masturbation. Maybe day 30 without porn. Today is a sunny day. Life has challenges ahead. I want to face them. There are fears and uncertainties, but I am going towards them. This is my life, this is my family. I am fighting for my life and my family and facing adversity head on. Strength for the day, we all have more strength than we believe!
 
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Freerider

Active Member
Health worries with family, money worries, more expenses than expected. job was in danger of ending. have to take it one day at a time and attitude and actions towards the right direction. I have seen friends and talked with them, I have prayed, I have talked to my wife. I have gained strength from these encounters.
 
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