Brother in this battle - My path to freedom

Freerider

Member
Day 64 and 12. Need to make routines for good habits. Otherwise if i do same than always and results are same also. Its hard to make good choices and repeating those so get better habits.
 

Freerider

Member
Day 65 and 13. Walk at the morning. Lot of work on table today, let’s see how I manage it. > update. I couldnt make day and eventually masturbated :( there was huge amount of fear and low selfesteem, procrastination of starting work, fear of loosing my job and not to survive from life. Somehow masturbation didn’t be the answer or saved me from my bad feelings although it seems to be only way to survive from those fears and horrors. Evening I did 1,5h jogging and listened book about procrastination. I learn myself layer by layer.
 
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Freerider

Member
Day 66 and 0. I was so anxiety that still day zero with masturbation. Try to work most of the day with good stuff. I was so depressed, scary and procrastinated because of job situation. I feel fear but have to work for sober good life although bad feelings. Have headache and badly slept last night.
 

Freerider

Member
Day 67 and 1. Somehow peaceful feelings, on the other hand more challenges on life about job and etc. when feel depressed and same time got some critic from wife it feels very bad. I have to take all renponsibility from my life. Shit happens but i am still response of my life. I dont die if lost my job. Always can find new and maybe better for my situation at the moment. Sleep, sport, work, relationships on the focus.
 

Freerider

Member
Day 68 and 2. Need to understant difference between small harms and big issues. Broken car, fridge and air ventilation machine and even chair which broken are small things and fixable. Big issues are health, relationships with family. I dont know how about job. Its big somehow but even if loose it you can get other. Porn reboot is big issue because it determines the direction of the thread, either up or down. It has effect for all things. I hope i can continue rebooting. I hope and work for big issues goes on right way. Small issues i try to just handle those and not to get big rush of emotions. Its just hard when you are rebooter and not in best condition with anything. Day by day. This is good anyways, better than escape reality. Keep going!
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Hey @Freerider, I know what you mean about trying to balance everything and porn recovery at the same time. It's a difficult task but it is something that can be done.

Day by day as you said.

Best
 

Freerider

Member
Hey @Freerider, I know what you mean about trying to balance everything and porn recovery at the same time. It's a difficult task but it is something that can be done.

Day by day as you said.

Best
Thanks for your comment Blondie! Rebooting and life for me is sharp line between too hard stress and procrastination and lazyness. Both sides drive me to pmo direction. I try to not stress but make work and not to procrastinated. I have to consentrate whatt to do more than what not to do.
 

Freerider

Member
Day 70 and 0. I start my day with masturbation. Not anything with pleasure or even craving, just bad medication to wake up and survive from anxiety and bad feeling. Not brave about it. Big things happening but need to learn survive without masturbation which is bad, bad help although i have used it almost whole of my adult life. Need to learn to tolerate anxiety and depression without safe and dopamine high from masturbation.
 

Freerider

Member
Day 71 and 1. I listened some good podcasts about reboot and business and life management. Somehow think positively same time when scaring about losing job etc. Life goes on. Today is a good day, today i will be a little better version of myself. Going to direction which is more me and more real me and i will work for my goals. I believe myself, l love myself. I am good.
 
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Freerider

Member
Day 72 and 2. Yesterday i was so down, melancholy and after one bad work issue I got somekind of panic issue or attack, my heart was beating really fast and i just cried, it took almost hour and my wife noticed it also and helped me (i was working feom home). I really though how i can survive from all of this.

At evening we talked with my wife about all of this. I told a little more my struggle with these all kind of things, and this no pm(o only in marriage sex) reboot which i have did two and half months with better and worse results and how it and my pm before also has had effect to our sex life. It was good conversation although we need to talk more still. I was totally tired and we went sleep early. Somehow we hugged and be near each other and it goes to next level and somehow we got amazing sex. It took while from me to be ready but somehow when i didnt try so hard it was easier and happened like magic although i didnt try to have any sex or be in that mood beforehand. Afterwards i was so high feelings than four moths or in all year. What to say. Keep going reboot process, talk more, try harder and not to try harder and life goes on some direction. I have tried actively four years stop that porn watching masturbation but before i came here it was just a mess. Somehow this has helped and also better firewalls and stuff its not even possible without many actively stages has helped. And of course i have learned more during these years from paula halls book and web program also and numerous ebooks which i have listened. Still i am in this rabbit hole but i saw a little light which give me more faith. Keep going guys, when its most dark time there could be morning next.. still i could lost my job on this week and stuff going harder, but day by day.
 
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Freerider

Member
Day 73 and 3. I am happy about life without porn. Still worried about that masturbation day number which told that i am still on starting point with that. Also it told that it is still my primary way to react for stress. Its not good and now i see it clearly. Today is moment of truth with work. Day by day. Stay strong all of you!
 
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Freerider

Member
Day 74 and 4. Continuation of the work will be decided next week. Today i went to doctor about my health issues. Somehow this feels that all the stuff is happening with bigger volume now. Its scaring but somehow also good. At least i have talked more with my wife. Take care of you and people near you! Its important! I am aftaid that when I have been in that mood that thinking lot porn or masturbation i have been selfish. Thats something which need to change day by day.
 
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Freerider

Member
Day 78 and 8. I couldn’t sleep good. Woke up at 4am or 5am and be half awake last couple hours. Even on weekend that happened which is frustrating. I hope it goes better when know more about work issues this week.
 
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Freerider

Member
Day 80 and 1. Yesterday was super stressfull, i panic and used mo for stress relief and lost my nine day mo. Eventually workstuff went good and i still have work. Mentally hard day. What to say, i was not strong enough yet against mo, otherwise i managed quite well. Today better day and now my main focus is get that mo number up! Whatever it takes.
 

Freerider

Member
Day 81 and 2. Yesterday although i feel little fluish and had headache was good working day. Also good sport at evening. Today also good day, i slept better last night and woke up with alarm clock, which is better than 5am without reason.
 
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