In Pain and Seeking a Miracle


My name is Tim and I am an internet porn addict.

I found my way into nofap as a result of PIED. Years of sex with my hand looking at porn destroyed my ability to orgasm during normal sex. Porn induced erectile disfunction, impotence is my reward. I am the roach with the beer bottle, isolated in a warped sense of reality. I have crippled myself. I will soon meet the woman of my dreams with a limp, dry dick. Is that the future I desire?

More and more extreme, hour after hour. I won’t list the stuff I watch so as not to trigger someone. This is the awful truth of porn addiction. Just like opium or cocaine, you need ever increasing doses to get the same high. It is so bad, that porn producers and addicts like me are wondering what extreme act is needed next to simply get off. I can search for hours with no result because I am simultaneously numb and exhausted from decades of sexual self abuse.

I am trying to find a girl to be with me as my wife. What does it mean for them? How has porn changed me? What does it mean for who I will choose? Will I need to abuse them? Will I be dissatisfied with normal sex with a beautiful girl? Will the Coolidge effect draw me back in? Will I be drawn again into the insanity of sex addiction. Will I be hiding away to jack myself off to pixels? Can I even choose a good girl to be with?

And what are the consequences professionally? How much longer will I accept my 3 hour workdays? My future is in my hands; at my fingertips. Who is the man I want to be?

Immediately after jerking off, I fall into exhaustion and depression. Usually for me it is 2-3 times a day, and that puts me into a drug induced fog that can last for days. I literally and physically put myself into a depressed state. I waste my testosterone, the life energy that makes me a man.

I am 72 years old, and have been jerking off for 61 years. Internet porn just means I have immediate access anytime I want. My addiction to porn and masturbation have literally cost me millions of dollars, maybe even tens of millions. It is easier to fall into a dopamine fog and lose myself in fantasy than to actually work toward my dreams. It permits me to ignore all the problems in my life. All I really need is a fix and fuck the world. I have routinely fucked over friends and family to pursue this habit. I fall into a fog and reality becomes unreal to me. I always envision myself as Sherlock Holmes in the opium den.

You can't lie to yourself. You know in your heart you are a lazy ass junkie. You know you should use your energy to make a better life for yourself and family and community, but instead your life is stolen by the addiction. I am a very bright guy, MBA from a top school. I have been a VP in a corporation. I have tremendous capability when I apply it. On the other hand, I choose to spend my time in this drug induced fog. Laying on my shitty sofa is bliss in my addled mind. It is remarkable that I accomplish anything carrying this load on my back. This certainly explains my under-achievement over the years. the most successful people extreme value their time. This simple thing explains a lot. I lose months a year, and could care less. As long as I get the dopamine soaring, nothing else matters. Just like being in an opium den, a hopeless fucking addict. Messed hair, stinking, rotten teeth, fat and lazy are a small price to pay.

Dopamine addiction, driven by the Coolidge effect, is costing me easily 3-4 hours a day. Not just doing it, but the brain fog that goes with it. I am an accomplished professional and have done a lot, but imagine what I could be if I had an extra 3-4 hours a day, always clear headed. Porn has cost me a lot in my life. I have let down my family, my co-workers and myself. I swear at least 10% and maybe as much as 20% of my time is eaten by sexual thoughts of one form or another. On top of that is the brain fog. Even at my age, I typically masturbate 2-3 times a day and the brain fog is bad. Easily another 10% of my time and as much as 20% is consumed by brain fog. In total, PMO costs me 20% to 40% of my life. For me, that is 2-5 months a year.

I let down my sons. As they were growing up we had few vacations or family outings. My financial troubles always got in the way. It was daily stress in our lives. Adam was regularly embarrassed because I could not pay bills, and got service shut off. Power, housing, ski passes, medical insurance, school. Their mom constantly complained and humiliated me about my financial incompetence. Yes, finance was part, but it was the hours and energy lost to PMO that was the main culprit.

I have grown to as much as 244 pounds because of PMO. Simply put, I love going to the gym, but I love jacking off more. I love eating well and being trim, but I love laying in bed, stuffing my face and being out of control more. Food has lost its flavor for me. I eat to shield myself, to build a protective layer from the starvation that is right around the corner. I eat because of the anxiety of my situation, fueled by my addiction. I look at my recent pics. I am a disgusting fat slob with a big belly and aching joints. I dance for shit and can’t ski. My joints are inflamed. Is this what I want? Yes, sugar and food are part of it, but it is the PMO hours lost, jacking and fog energy lost, and high anxiety created that sets the stage.

Year after year I write goals only to end the year with most of them unaccomplished. Financial fail. Marketing fail. Sexual fail. Love fail. Fitness fail. Family fail. Why is that? And it is not like it is certain goals I succeed at and others I don't. It is that I fail against almost all my goals. There is a flaw in me that impacts everything, and that flaw is my escape into PMO. I think this is the root cause of my failures. I think it is the root cause for five reasons. 1. Simply put, it eats time both while I am doing it and while I am in the fog. 2. It is escape into lala land, where everything is ecstasy all the time. 3. It is not only stopping forward motion, it is reversing direction chasing a chimera. 4. It sets me up for perpetual failure through the expectation of a sugar high and speed thrill that real life just cannot match. 5. It directly drives me into anxiety and depression.

When it comes to PMO, I have no doubt that I am an addict, and that disgusts me. I hate that there is something that has me by the balls I cannot walk away from. I had my vacations and a love life and intimacy with my hand and a screen. Literally months each year alone, pleasuring myself in isolation. I was hiding from the world, in the sugar bliss of addiction. I got there because I did not like feeling alone, but all it got me was more isolation. The most pleasure I ever got in life was PMO. This is the addiction: Walking away is the loss of what seems the best part of myself. It is the feeling of losing my true love. It is walking into a barren wasteland from a lush paradise because paradise became toxic.

Truth is, I lay awake and toss and turn every night. I do not have peace of mind. My body building mentor, Greg Plitt, would say the only peace of mind you can ever have is from a good day's work. When beating off for hours, and in the fog, the whole thought of a good days work goes out the window. There is no peace of mind. Rest is replaced by exhaustion.

You can pretend you are keeping the secret from the world, but that is an illusion. The world knows how much effort you put into living. Your life is a representation of that effort. Today my life is a fucking mess because I spend hours and hours semiconscious jerking my dick. Not real, but fucking a piece of glass. What a pathetic sight, a 72 year old man lying in bed, probably unshaven, like a fat pig, jerking off with a laptop on his chest. Disgusting. The world is watching and disgusted.

I must fix this. I don't have any options. I don't have any time. On the flip side, I have a wonderful opportunity to grow my business and set myself up for the rest of my life. I know that will not happen if I continue PMO. If I don't change now, I will probably end up on the street, one of thousands of other homeless. I did end up that way - homeless. PMO was a contributing factor. If I do not fix this, it could happen again. I will become the selfish loser my ex wife always described. I can't do that to my sons. I need to be a better example for them. I need to be a better part of their lives.

I am so afraid. I am afraid that I don’t have time to make it up to my sons or myself. Sometimes when I see my debt I am overwhelmed. Then again, if I stop wasting my time and energy who knows what I can accomplish in a short time? Truth is, this could go either way, but any betting person would put their money on the addiction and not on me. I have disappointed everyone in my life. I have cheated so many people. No one I really know trusts me. I don’t even trust myself. If I am not committed to this, it will just be another goal unachieved.

Good news is that I have a chance at redemption, but I cannot delay any more. I must do this now. I need to drive a stake through the heart of this now. There are a million things I cannot control in the world, but I can control whether I put my hand on my dick. That I can do. Same as alcohol. My life was a mess then too. That addiction was unacceptable to me, so I stopped. This addiction is unacceptable to me, so I stop.

Every now and again in our lives the stars align. For me now is one of those times. I need the next 5 years firing on all cylinders. If I can do that, I will have achieved the personal, financial and business goals I set for myself years ago. I must do this.

But I have no faith. I am exhausted but can't wait for my next fix.

Which wolf will I feed?

Abandon the Fantasy. Embrace Reality.


Respected Member
Hi @TJRL - quite an essay. Many of us identify with things you said. Coming on here and spilling is a good move. But addiction is crazy. Getting out of it requires a lot more than just discipline.

I am 61 years old, so your junior by a decade. I had a biggish middle management job in finance (retired now) here in the UK. I am not a fool. But giving up porn was the hardest and most rewarding thing I have ever done.

I will not soft soap you or sugar coat this, you have a lot to do but it can be done. Find a good porn blocker for your various devices. Find an SAA group, be 100% accountable to your wife and at least one other person. Get a fucking grip.

Your prose above is a good start because you’re not in denial, but honestly that’s the easy bit. You’re a fucking hero for coming on here, but don’t be the guy who keeps relapsing every 10 days or so. Be one of the guys who truly means it when they say they’re committed to doing this. It’s up to you mate.

Good luck. Keep writing on here. I will read yours every day if you do that.


Thanks for reading my case. I didn't think anyone would.

Yes, I need to get a blocker. I understand K9 is good. I'm on here because I don't want to do another 12 step program. I am in one now and it keeps me as busy as I want to be with it.

I do need to stay clean now. I'm working out and doing my best to create a new business. My challenge is that I spend a lot of time alone at home.

I have come across a new routine now that I am going to put into practice. This should settle down my need for dopamine spikes. Two things I know I must do in the mornings before anything. 1. Don't do anything that spikes my dopamine in the morning. Just do my morning meditation and get to work. 2. Lock up my phone at night. I've got a lock box with a timer. Tonight I will set up a playlist of Celtic music to sleep by, and start it before bed.

Also I know that my biggest enemies are triggers and edging. They are like the first drink.

That's all for now. Sorry didn't ask anything about you. Be well.