The hardest walk!


Good evening! I didn't know whether I would be coming back here for this journey as social media is definitely not a healthy place for me and is one of the things I am not allowed on for my mental health, but my intuition says that if I don't write my journey here I will just go back to Reddit all over again. So hi, my name is Richard. I am a recovering alcoholic, and my most recent sobriety date for alcohol was January 21st of this year, making me 2 weeks sober. My sobriety date for porn and cyber sex addiction (although I still question whether these are true addictions) is today, my slip being yesterday. To be honest (and this journal will be completely honest), I have been in active porn and cyber addiction for years now.

I didn't use my computer or phone at all today, except to attend AA, to "open up" all of the legitimate websites I use for work, to borrow books from the library, and to stream tv. In all, I was on the computer for less than an hour and a half. I read on my kindle until our son Albie woke up at around 10:30. I have been reading "He Chose Porn Over Me" by Melinda Reist, and am almost done. It is a heartrending read and has helped me understand what I have done. Jenn (my wife) has told me everything in it, of course, but it helped to hear it from other people.

D day was yesterday. Jenn came out of the bedroom (she and I sleep in separate rooms, but not over this issue in particular, but we started it because of my snoring. We had been doing for several years, including when she and I were having regular sex.)

You know how they say that things only get worse? Well, they got worse. I went from using porn, to talking to women on sex chat rooms, to writing sex stories on Reddit, and also Reddit was one of my primary sources of porn.

Jenn has known about the account for a while now, but she didn't check it regularly until D day yesterday, and previous D days. Who knows how many hours she spent last night looking at all of the evidence.

She came out of the bedroom today at about 4:30 pm, leaving me with Albie all day. She has said little all day to me, except to confront me about using Reddit (which is one of her boundaries for staying). She said I used it at 12:50, but I thought she said am, when she said pm, and I got angry over the misunderstanding so I argued. I did use Reddit for the remainder of yesterday, even after being told to stay off that afternoon. But I only wrote a post about how I had remorse over my infidelity (which I do have), that immediately got removed and censored because apparently we don't really do that so it couldn't be genuine.

Dday was Jenn walking in on me trying to take a picture of my crotch during a chat on Reddit. I tried to hide that it was with a man because I legitimately am NOT gay (I have seen enough dick pics in chats to be 100% sure of this). I was simply THAT desperate to act out that I had a chat with a Bi man, who said he would discuss our partners, but wanted to see my dick.

I assume she has seen everything I put on Reddit now. The list of my indiscretions includes sending dick pics to women on Reddit, writing sex stories, and like I said using chat rooms.

I came to an epiphany today, my first day sober of porn and cyber addiction, and that is one of the reasons this is so addictive. There is no touch. One of the things that makes sex sex is you are touching another person. No matter how much we act out to this online garbage it will never replace actual sex with someone who loves you.

I am just glad that I was caught, and that this ended before I ever started having affairs with people physically.

The emotions are starting to come back and I am taking it slowly. It is like starting sobriety with alcohol all over, but even more so.

Jenn's boundaries for staying are that I will NEVER go back to Reddit, NEVER have any form of social media (for this obviously, but also I am vulnerable to being overwhelmed by social media in general and it is bad for my mental health), that I always be honest with her about everything.

I played outside in the backyard with Albie today most of the day. I have no delusions that Jenn's healing will happen quickly. I imagine this will be a long process.

As for my own recovery.
1. I will attend AA online every morning before work
2. I will have music on in the background, and focus on my job every day at work (I work at home)
3. I will be completely honest with Jenn to help us overcome this.
4. I will not rush her healing process.
5. I will dive deep into my zen Buddhist practice. (I feel that spirituality is the answer for me. It isn't enough to just not PMO. I have to literally RESET my mind.
6. Use this journal every day.

That is as far as I have gotten. This will be a long and winding road.

Today, in one of the few sentences she said to me today, Jenn said "do you think that I don't know people who are better looking than you?"

"No, I know that you do."

I tried to understand where this was coming from, and let in the pain that I had caused her.

I'm working to be a better husband, one day at a time.




Good morning! It is Sunday. Day 2. I woke up late today, and so I didn't get to read from the Lotus Sutra (damn is this a long book!) or read from the Big Book. I am working really hard to finish He Chose Porn Over Me, but it is just so raw and powerful. I will finish it by the end of the day. I played some Age of Empires II last night, but got beaten in one of the campaigns by the computer. Damn it! Didn't have the willpower at that time to persist.

It is raining hard hear in Tampa, which will make the walk to Walmart to get my prescriptions lovel! [Sarcasm] I probably won't go today. I feel a little weird and think I might have taken two of my ADHD medication (Straterra, though I take the generic Atomoxetine.) I will be on the watch today for any behaviors intended to bring me back down.

Besides that, I woke up this morning dreaming about being sexual with Jenn, which is far better than my ex or someone else.

This is going to be a long road, and to be honest, there are many things I need to work on as a husband. Being more mature. Doing more to look after the house.

I have no delusions at the moment of Jenn and I having a sex life, or getting our marriage back on track quickly. Look at me. I say that as if I am not the problem in my marriage, when I very clearly am. I am taking baby steps. I am looking at moving up to NC next month as a new beginning. It is so great for Jenn, and I feel like she will be reinvigorated. It will be great for Albie and me as well, as I don't like Tampa anymore.

Honestly, I don't have much respect for SOCIETY anymore. And I got a Masters in Museum Studies and Management, which is basically a heritage degree. Don't get me wrong, I love heritage, with the acknowledgement that we need to send artifacts back to the countries they came from withstanding. Especially in this age of the internet, and museums digitizing their collections, there is no reason to uphold historic colonialism. Just send everything back.

And yes, there is loads of stuff in the British museum that is from Europe and the UK, including the Staffordshire hoard, etc. But look at me blabbing.

I can't have a book club soon enough! Speaking of which, I need to read the book for that.

All of this to say, I am happily turning my back on society, or at the very least happily ignoring everything but the facets of which I actually care about, like good literature, museums, heritage, history, etc. I am happy to be reading books again. I reduced my Goodreads reading goal from 100 books to 80, and it felt good because now I have room for longer books.

I am starting to see the real ME again. It is nice. I long for touch and it is really hard not to get touch and affection from Jenn, but I can't be selfish. I know this will take time.

Just one step at a time! One day at a time!


14 days sober of alcohol
2 days sober of porn and cyber


Alright, so far so good. A good Sunday over all, and I haven't thought about sex, porn, or Reddit once. Getting off of the computer to clean the house and spend time with Albie.


Checking in on Day 3. I tried to call in to today's Skype meeting and was right on time, but did not receive a call back. Have a bit of resentment building up. Will call in extra early tomorrow. But let's make today a great day!



Relapsed on porn today. I can see it coming in hindsight. I messed around on Youtube last night, was over tired, and did not prepare for stress on the job today, so when stress arrived I just let down all the walls and PMOd. Starting again tomorrow.

Sober of alcohol: 16 days
Sober of PMO: 0 days


Morning check in!
17 days sober of alcohol
1 day sober of PMO

Hard mode: no Youtube, absolutely no Reddit, and no starting up social media accounts. If I really need something to listen to I can listen to podcasts or music. I have a book club meeting coming up on the 17th, that I still need to read for.

I have a social life, with real people, whom I meet up with. I don't need the internet.
Last edited:


1:32 pm, having several of these long calls with customers while I wait to speak to supervisors. Having the urge to look at porn, so I thought I would come in and write here rather than go to Reddit. Just sitting, listening to meditation music. Doing my calls.

All's well that ends well!


Verse 242 (Dhammapada): Sexual misconduct is the taint of a woman; stinginess is the taint of a giver; evil ways are indeed taints in this world as well as in the next.

Correctly interpreted, this means that the evil woman that lures us into temptation (to do evil) leaves a stain on us. This is quite poignant for our times, I would say, what with the proliferation of OF, online porn, and other spaces where evil women do indeed lead us astray, from our marriages, from our commitments to ourselves.

It is not women, nor sex, that we condemn. It is sex for evil purposes.

I really needed this. I stand for purity, in my marriage.


Relapse at 12:47 today on 2/09, while working a shift here at home. Combination of feeling ill (I have been off of my vegan diet), restlessness and annoyance with long wait times at work, and just not having the techniques mastered for dealing with frustration led to this. But the good news is porn doesn't really do anything for me anymore. I'm just not into it. Just another reason to do this. It just doesn't do anything for me

*sigh* Starting over

18 days sober of alcohol
0 days sober of PMO