Journal trying

I am 21 years old and born in December 2002. I started porn in approximately 2013 but that was just watching using other people's phones. In the end of 2015, I became obsesses with porn when I got my first phone which even though I didn't watch videos, still gave me videos. It progressed to the point I started watching it on my parent's phone and I didn't know what to do with an electronic device which had internet except porn. Later on in that month,I started masturbating and I didn't know what I was doing,I just felt some sticky liquid on my fingers so I repeated what I did to bring it out and damn it did it feel that amazing. I continued till the moment I wondered what was wrong with me. I fell and required an xray which came out showing my front skull part, my doctor didn't know what was proven and said it was because of alcohol but it led me to wonder why even though I didn't drink much, I was the one who had that brain so I reached on this site.

This is day 1

This day was amazing and one serious attempt where I felt like my body was really hating me for denying it the dopamine. Luckily and amazingly it really worked and I didn't relapse which I am thankful about. Now it's time to continue. Let's all continue pushing through even though we all know it's hard and frustrating, we'll just do it small by small and we'll surely succeed.

Good luck to everyone out there who is trying.
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Day 2

This us the second day and God did I try to fail, mixed with alcohol was it hard. I met with the girl I have a crush on and she left angry. Simply told we had a meet up at my friend's house with that friend also present, it wasn't a date just a friendly meetup. What was a 3 people meetup turned into a 5 people meetup because other friends who are in our group all came. What we didn't realize was that the owner of the apartment had other friends who were coming which led us to be late. So she left angry that I refused to be with her and take a bike but I didn't because I was broke and I didn't want to tell her. So I feel hurt, angry and most of all ready to PMO. This is frustrating. I hate that she has a higher effect on me. I hate that I want to make her happy in every possible way and it hurts because I can't even though I don't know why.

Good luck to everyone out there who is trying.
Day 3

This is the third day of the journey and as always it all starts as rainbows and then, there is the need to go back again and just get that little drop of dopamine that felt amazing at that time and deadly the next whole life. Today when the impulse came, it was like it came for revenge because it had a force to it which was also mixed with my emotions which were in a turmoil. Luckily, I wasn't alone which also helped in trying to calm it down but I believe if I wasn't alone, I wouldn't have won the battle but all in all I'm doing the third way with no relapse. Usually when I talked about no relapse, I really meant that there was some browsing and no MO which right now after looking in hindsight was really the same regardless lying to myself. I tried using this day as useful as I can and I really believe I did my best. The fact that I won this battles really helps me in improving my battles. I think I've found some of my triggers which are: being alone and mostly at night; this has thrown in many relapses that felt really shameful.

Good luck to everyone out there who is trying.
Day 0

I just relapsed and it feels like hell. I am alone in my room and really that's my most triggering place and situation but I just thought okay let's do this. I came home and I can't sleep with anyone else so I tried and now after 3 day streak. It's time to restart.

Good luck to everyone out there who is trying.
Day 1 on April 12

I did another day and today I didn't really feel any impulse to relapse and I think it's because I wasn't in my usual relapsing environment which really helped me out a lot. This day just feels amazing when I didn't relapse and I just feel like on cloud 9. I only felt a little depression considering what I really feel on other days.

Good luck to everyone out there who is trying.
Day 0 on April 15

I fucked up royally and I feel it on my body. I don't even feel as a person now. I am lost. I want to start and begin a real journey and stop this game. I don't know how I feel, am just hating myself more and more. It's like am trapped in a fucking circle and too stupid and fucked up that I can't get out. Is it can't get out or not willing to get out? I feel like I just want to let go. My heart is beating faster to the point where I feel like am in a marathon trying to race every memory and dream. I want to erase any memory that I have, scrub myself dry or just if possible remove the whole skin because I feel tainted, dirty, evil and every word that can be used to explain disgusting. It's like my soul is black and done. I want to punish myself for my sins or crimes or even activities. I don't want to talk to people because it feels like they'll see right through me. I want to run and hide myself away to just rot there. I feel like just letting go because I have lost myself and everything I once stood for. This is worse that anything I have ever felt because right now it feels like it is multiplied million times. I feel like telling my parents that am an idiot who fucks up at just any time, anything I do. I want to scream to everyone that the time, friendship, money and anything of value that they spend on me is being lost to someone who doesn't deserve it. One of my friends called me and said that he needed my advice. I wanted to say that I wasn't the one he should be asking.

Good luck to everyone around who is trying and never give up.