Radical Self-honesty

[Reclamation]

Today marks a new start, again. After many new starts, but each time I bring with me new experience and (hopefully) all my pre-acquired wisdom from previous attempts. I'm not sure I like the word attempt though. I've recently quit coffee and, I don't like the term quit. A more accurate word would be, I replaced it. The same applies for porn. If you aren't putting something else where you open the void back up, porn will fill it back up. Even more so at times.

So why am I back here? Intuition and social difficulties. I feel lonely. Isolated. And yet deep down I value connection. I ruminate over past relationships. What I'm really ruminating over though is belonging, status, being seen, companionship and the unhealthy aspects of my more addictive relationships, like the high I felt with these people.

I've recently been discovering more about how Autistic I am, and how deep my trauma runs. I'm very into Compassionate Communication and living by it's principles (usually known as NVC). I recently had a breakup that led to me exploring poly connections and casual sex. You can see in my old journals.

I'm someone who thinks that radical self-honesty is the one and only solution for any aspect of human growth, apart from connection with others. It's only with intense honesty that we can accept things, admit things, face things, change our reality, be vulnerable etc.

I have no doubt in my mind that porn is a secondary issue to much larger issues in my life and so I will only ever see porn-focused recovery as harm-reduction while I focus on my real issues: Neurodivergence, systemic issues, trauma and neglect, executive dysfunction, loneliness, somatic issues and emotional dysregulation

Porn can worsen all of these, but they are separate issues, risk factors for addiction. I want to start getting to the root of the issues and address my life instead of thinking getting rid of something I obviously use as an effective strategy in the moment (yes I know it's not, but it makes sense)

I don't have a plan yet. Just gonna get back in this game and see what happens for now. I just want to at least check in here daily

It's when I get far in or let go too much and forget how serious and real this issue is, that I get into the most trouble

 

[Reclamation]

Yesterday

I'm still in contact with people from poly and kink communities that I share porn with and I did that again today. We also have explicit chats. This one is difficult for me. On the one hand, while there is some stigma, the poly lifestyle makes more sense to me based on my understanding of the world. But in my case it means more exposure to unnatural stimuli. I would benefit from telling others that I am avoiding porn and prioritizing real connection. I'm all about having as much of the real thing as possible and I'm not even against seeing escorts when I can afford it. Many people would discourage this, but I've reached a point after decades of trying to quit, where it's become obvious to me that replacing something with a healthier version is a much more efficient way to quit things.

Forgot to log today. Up late and too tired. Relapsed today though

 

[Reclamation]

I'm feeling compelled to make another fresh start attempt at rebooting. I've immersed myself so deeply into so many worlds that aren't contributing to this and so many that could help me out. I've accumulated so much useful knowledge that could also assist me, but a lot of built up discouragement from all of my past attempts at this. I think I need structure again and a program to follow. A systematic approach. Otherwise I'm just gonna keep going round in circles again and again. There is a strong haze that this addiction forms over your consciousness and I'm deep in that fog right now. I can't connect with my genuine desire for recovery. Right now I'm writing this, trying to latch onto something solid to get me at least back on track. At the same time, I'm trying to ignore and resist that very same thing.

 

[Reclamation]

I am still very reliant on external approval. I have a bedtime routine of viewing porn after work after numbing my brain with other media. I am overwhelmed by everything as I normally am, in terms of knowledge gained and knowing everything I need to do, but there being so much of it and all of it seeming equally as important as one another!

 

[Reclamation]

I am realizing that i many ways, my development is actually very high in so many areas that I think it's not. This challenges people, threatens them and alienates me more than I even realize, and it gives so many people the misperception that I am super underdeveloped and below them. My lack of confidence at articulating any of that makes it worse. I think addiction is addressing that, among other things and that, being authentic really IS a big part of recovery