My rebooting journal

[iampf]

i'm still here and it's Day 4! No PMO or MO. Today was pretty unproductive and, naturally, also the urges returned today. I guess it just demonstrates boredom is a trigger of mine.

In positives (or in a productive sense) I finished The P Trap book. Still undecided which book to read next, but I think it will be another self help one. The P trap has been quite helpful and I think over the next couple of days I'll share what I've found quite helpful from the book itself.

From the book, I still have a number of things I need to do/introduce to my life, that it lists as core for overcoming P addiction.

Hope we're all staying strong on here

 

[iampf]

Day 6.

Thanks all for your support. Looking at dates and days it appears today is day 6 not day 5, which in the greater scheme of things means really nothing at all, but it is still a nice little win to have an extra day added to the tally!

I've started tracking my mood, motivation and urges on a daily basis to see the trend (out of 5) so that will hopefully provide some interesting data at the end of my 90 days. 90 days is my initial goal, though I think 200 days would be more reasonable of a reset. 200 days would be 5 may 2026, 90 days January 15th -> I think, given my extended use and multiple relapses (particularly off long streaks - sometiems 60-80days) 200 might be a better aim in terms of a decent reset.

So my plan is to target 200 days and see how I feel. Ultimately, I don't want to go back to using. Ideally I'd leave porn behind completely. I feel that the non-P me is far more energetic, motivated and invovled in life and I don't want to return to the sneaking and hiding and wanking that forms my past self.

I've finished reading The Porn Trap. I'd recommend it to anyone that feels they need a thorough understanding and look at porn addiction. The authors have spent a lot of time working with users and addicts and I can relate to a number of the stories in the book (of previous users). The most motivating chapter is probably the last chapter -> where ex addicts talk about how they've given up porn use (sometimes for years!) and how their lives are so much better, and WHY they're living such more enriching lives without porn.

Another key theme that resonated with me was RELAPSING. How many damn times have I relapsed after 7 days, 14 days, 10 days. Sometimes i'll go 20 days if things get in the way of my usual 7-10 day horniness cycle and block the chance of a relapse --> come home, get bored, day 20 --> watch some porn. It's a repeatitive cycle that I've been doing for many many years. But I wanted to share their schematic of the relapse process (credit to Wendy and Larry Maltz of the porn trap --> let me know mods if I'm not allowed to share this) --> essentually, while we're avoiding porn, we go throuigh phases of which we're in the "PORN FREE ZONE" with no interest or thought of porn use. Then we move into the "TRIGGER TERRITORY" where we get horny, or bored (I quite like the HALT acronym but could add B to it : Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired + Bored).. and here we become succeptible to urges and start moving down the levels whch they label as "the relapse zone" (for me: my brain goes: it won't hurt one quick use of porn; go on -> it's only 5 days, you can be back at this point in 5 days time, just make yourself feel better... --> and thend own the rabbit whole we go).

The key, they outline, is to recognise when you're falling into this path and use methods to SHOCK yourself out of this familiar trend. One client of theirs yelled out "DANGER ZONE" and I have started to do that (spoken, not yelled in case my neighbours think I've gone mad). But it has helped me reset my horniness and become aware of the path I am absent mindedly heading down.

**

To move to another thing I wanted to discuss, in this book they mention the 6 key steps that recovering users of porn must engage to break free. Ultimately, if you don't do all these 6 steps, they have seen it hard to become totally free of porn's tenticles. They call them the 'Six basic action steps':
1. Tell someone of your porn problem - therapist, close other, friend
2. get involved in a gtreatment program - join a 12 step, get a therapist, etc
3. create a porn free environemnt
4. establish 24hr support and accountabilty
5. take care of emotiional and physical health
6. star thealing sexuality

I've started with 3,5 and 6 --> I've decided no MO for the next 6 months (!), and started being healthier in terms of exercise. I've already made a porn free environment for myself here.
Ultimately I will need to do 1,2 and 4 eventually - some of these ones are the more daunting steps because they involve opening up to others about my problems.
The book says you have to do all 6 to break free completelty - and that's from their experience of porn addicts. I don't know if that is true but they seem to be fairly experienced in this so I am keen to try to follow all 6 - it just will take some courage and effort to get through the remaininig 3/6 that I haven't started yet. I loooked up a 12 step program online - there are in person or online meetings in my local area - but I haven't had the courage yet to join them or check them out.

 

[iampf]

Cheers. Today is Day 7. I'm happy with progress.

Fairly busy day today, so I'll just be quick to check in. Urges about a 4 today - hoping to remain strong!

Cheers

 

[iampf]

I’ve been away from this forum for a couple of months it seems. Which overall probably balances in my detriment.

Part of the reason has been disappointment at myself, and the - is it shame, or frustration that I feel towards myself - of coming on here and announcing another relapse. After two posts prior explaining how excited I was about some theory or revelation regarding a reboot that I want to share with all. I even at times feel embarrassed about explaining these theories and revelations while sitting on 6 days, as though I’m an expert.

But most of the hesitation is to post about my disappointments. Though I know I should be hesitant. And everyone here is so supportive.

The last couple of months have been ok, actually. I’ve had stretches of being free and coping with urges, but then will relapse after a week or a few days. Usually in response to boredom or stress.

Though I’d like to share more with this board so hopefully moving forward I can be more active here.

I’ve been reading a book called “easypeasy” which is about breaking free from this addiction but in a different approach. I read it previously and then relapsed after a week or two so I don’t think it’s a panacea that it proclaims itself to be. However, I wonder if anyone else here has read or heard of it and what are your thoughts? Some of the points from the book (it’s more a pdf than a book) I have found quite helpful, and have also found have given me motivation and tools to approach withdrawal symptoms. For example:
- it‘s made me realise that I am actually addicted. I haven’t had this realisation before but I cannot stop coming back at times, and desperately want to stop. And to name this as an addition - of which, the desired outcome is complete cessation of use. No middle ground, no peeking. Complete withdrawal and deletion of any wish to partake.
- it encourages a positive approach to being a non-user rather than seeing yourself as “abstaining”, of which there really is no end. People successful here at rebooting tend to definitely find and share the positives, but to be able to do this in the early stages I hope will be helpful in overcoming the urges.
- it mentions the ‘brainwashing’ that occurs with users, and how unless this is overcome, one could relapse years down the track. Which brings me back to the first point that I need to get to the point where I recognise this as an addictive, destructive substance and ergo have no longer any desire (or recognise that I JUST CANNOT) engage in it leading forward. Some of you here have realised this or do share this view (building a life without porn, etc) but maybe this was the way for me to realise.
- it talks about the porn use that causes the withdrawals - which makes sense but I never really clued into. Non users don’t have withdrawal symptoms, only us. So we’re feeling these symptoms because we use, which means using just causes more symptoms. Leading back to the addiction point…

I am curious for those who are kind enough to read my journal, what are your thoughts on this?

I notice with many of my relapses, I will be fine for 4-7 days. It’s day 7, or 10 - when I’m alone, bored and/or stressed - particularly alone - that I find the urges coming, and I go why not. And then spiral into an edge fest. But it seems my thinking goes from “never again” to “ok I want it” quite quickly, over hours. Which reinforces the addiction component to this and how I probably need to see this as an addiction, of which complete utter abstinence - a porn-free life, or “non-user” life - is the ONLY way forward with a good outcome?

I have also tried to start journaling again - perhaps daily, perhaps second daily. To journal electronically or in handwritten form? I like the fact that it is less likely one will stumble on my digital form and is what I am doing now.

 

[iampf]

Working through the urges; internalising the easypeasy messages. Still keeping on.

Day 4? I think.

Stay strong everyone!

 

[Zeke30]

Hi. Could you list your triggers?

I had issues with drinking beer. I was fat, but I've already lost 18kg (39lbs) while gaining muscle and strength. One of my main triggers was the desire for sweets and sugar. Beer contains a specific sugar called 'maltose', which has a glycemic index of 105. To put that in perspective, that’s significantly higher than table sugar, which sits at 70. I have succeeded against beer by substituting it with yogurt/milk chocolate, etc.

You could try two things:
1) listing your triggers
2) finding/brain-storming different solutions/substitutes for every trigger.

 

[iampf]

Hi. Could you list your triggers?

I had issues with drinking beer. I was fat, but I've already lost 18kg (39lbs) while gaining muscle and strength. One of my main triggers was the desire for sweets and sugar. Beer contains a specific sugar called 'maltose', which has a glycemic index of 105. To put that in perspective, that’s significantly higher than table sugar, which sits at 70. I have succeeded against beer by substituting it with yogurt/milk chocolate, etc.

You could try two things:
1) listing your triggers
2) finding/brain-storming different solutions/substitutes for every trigger.

Cheers Zeke

I agree I need to cut down on beer. Though i do personally think the carbs are mostly in the alcohol.

My triggers are boredom and stress: loneliness is one, stress is another - about things I should be doing , or need to be doing, etc. it’s a good thought to write down solutions to these triggers, I will try now.

I’m doing well - being productive. Finished th easypeasy book. I think I’ll reread it again at some point over the next few weeks/days maybe. Just to reinforce its messages. I feel strong though focusing on a) that this is an addiction, that I’m addicted. And therefore the urges are addiction rather than actual desire to PMO and b) the thought that to PMO today is literally to just continue until the day I die - as in, when do I stop, if not now?

I am also trying to be positive in my mind with the withdrawals - telling myself, yippee, I dont PMO, how awesome!

 

[iampf]

its weird. i'm day 12. or 13. not totally sure. it might be 14 to be honest.
ihave had some urges today, that have come and gone. at some point today I was keen to relapse and then two thoughts that counteracted that came into play: a) (not as signficiant, but maybe decisive) I didn't have a particualar means to relapse and b) what is the point OR there is no point OR if you relapse now, you relapse for life. I think part B is far more important for my progress.

I've learnt some things today. Small things, I don't know if they're totally ingrained in my knowledge or psyche but I think they are slowly becoming realised. I may still relapse, but probably not today.

Firstly, I've been hooked on the realisation (from easypeasy) or the question, i guess, of: when is the end? One relapse today, ends in a relapse tomorrow, or next week -> and then when im 50, 60 and then 70. Until I die, will I be relapsing. Now I don't feel that I will always have this insight particular when the urges are quite stronhg but at this point it has been quite helpful to think of this reality and, in turn, it has reinforced my eagerness to give porn, or PMO up.

The second point I realised driving home today was regarding 'giving up porn'. I hate to harp on the point but EP talks about "giving up" and I feel it's quite true -> when i've been 12 days or 14 - unsure exactly -> I think that i've "given up porn for 14 days". but the truth is, i'm not GIVING UP. It's not a treasure i'm withholding myself from. It was only today while driving home i realised this proper.

Now to be honest I'm not feeling totally strong in terms of my progress today, but it is something I'd like to share regarding my progress.

The final realisation is regarding urges. During the afternoon I had some urges, whihc I was farily confident that I would succumb. But with time and distraction, I've got to the poin that I am pretty confident, that today/tonight, I will not PMO. I'm past those urges, and I no longer feel them. Realisation: urges come and go. If you can wait them out, sit on them, do something else -> they'll go. That's another nice learning bit I learnt today.

To be totally honest: I am just trying to write down my realisations that I have come across over the past two weeks and particualrly couple of days. And how proud I am with my own progress. I don't expect others to read this and to take anyhting from it - I'm 14 days in to my non-user lifestyle (which many have done and I've done myself, and failed from). Ie: it's no special achievement, I'm no expert in this progress, and I hope I don't come across this way. But I want ot share what I've found in the slight chance i may help someone else. But I need to be sure first, that it helps me - before I suggest it. So this is just my thoughts - caveat!

Strength to you all

 

[iampf]

P.S. Zeke - I've been into the beers the last few days. I'm sorry!!! But I am keen to cut down.

 

[iampf]

Last posted 14 February. I must admit I am always embarrassed about returning here once I've had a relapse. Which has happend over the past few days.
I was doign quite well for a few months. Some relapses here and there. But it seems that I've slipped quite a bit lately. However I seem to have let things go and I want to get back on the horse, so to speak.

I think I'll focus more in this post about what I'm going to do over the next couple of days.
I've identified my triggers - boredom, stress and my environemnt - my room. My goal is to keep my devices out of my bedroom - try to reset. I am also keen to try blockers on my devices, that will hopefully reduce how tempted I am.

Moving forward, I will aim to read a couple of books I have ready to go about porn addiction, as well as post on here a bit more frequently.

 

[the_land_before_time]

Hi @iampf!
Good luck. No shame about coming back here.
When you think about your triggers, think about how... you could avoid them (what else could you do instead?) when you feel like they'll surface / they've surfaced already!

 

[iampf]

Thanks TLBT -> appreciate the support!

I'm working again towards rebooting -> a few more relapses, I am ashamed to say.

I am quite inspired by Blondie on here who was posting daily, until he became confident enough he would only return for milestones.
I am thinking I would like to do similar.

So moving forward -> ill post on here daily, for the immediate and ongoing period.
Even if it's "day x, feeling ok".

The triggers? How to avoid?
I think I need to get laptop out of the room. It's when I'm alone, H**y and bored that the urges come -> and they can completely overwhelm me. Ultimately I don't want to be doing this as I age -> I don't want to be 35, 40, 50 etc doing porn. So therefore I need to stop. I also am starting to believe that porn is evil - I'm not one usually with a theological persuasion, but I really cannot see how porn is not - it's evil for the user (we waste so much time, and suffer so much for so little using it) and it's evil for the performers (which goes without saying- yes they may feel "empowered" but I cannot see how a healthy human can live a wholesome life doing porn). I've only realised this over the last few days to be honest, and I'm not sure that's *helped* so much with my reboot.... but it's something to think about.

I will post here daily, or aim to, for the near future. And try to support my fellow brothers and sisters on here too when I do.

 

[iampf]

uggghhh. July 9, last post. Relapse relapse relapse. It's august now.
why the hell do we all keep relapsing. me included. I spend a month or so away from here but then return, and I've relapsed a bunch of times and feel shame returning to say I have, but whatever. but we're all I the same boat too. multiple similar accounts/users with Day 0, day 1, relapse. it's an absolute shite. - this addiction, I mean.
I'm reading easy peasy.yes.i was reading it previously, im not sure if I finished it while posting here, have finished it once or twice, now on my third read. it says don't stop while you['re reading -> I ignore this, I don't want to keep using -> but even then, while reading, I slip. Today especially, thoughts when through my head - why use porn. what's the reason for this? I can just not use.but the temptation of one last use, one opportunity, pushed me over the edge and then there was a few hours gone of edging. it is such a familiar, repetitive story ... I'm sure everyone here that still is relapsing, can tell the same.
One quote came to me: "abstinence isn't the opposite of addiction; it's connection". THIS, was pre my relapse lol but anyhow I still felt prior to going down that tube pathway that I was onto something. I almost called family. To chat. Would this have changed things? It is impossible to say. One cannot predict the future. One cannot see that today you find connection and avoid going down that rabbit hole you avoid but does that mean you're on the right path or will it be just tomorrow you'll find the same temptation and instead fall.
But ... maybe this is one key or hint or cheat code out of this valley or trough or abyss that I find myself in... Daily attempts at connection. There was a ted talk from 2015 that talked on this - > rats that were social, connected, did not slurp from the cocaine water. Rats that were isolated, did. Maybe, this will be a small thing that will push the pendulum in the other direction, AWAY from where it went today, and towards what I strive for every time I come on here and talk about my lack of progress!
P.s. I look at my last post -> eeeeeh the triggers. Again, being ALONE and being HOME and having ACCESS and being BORED. Plus some horniness over the last day or so. Maybe a temptation of "one last visit". It all contributes.

Break the cycle.