Chronicles of a Coomer in Pursuit of Freedom...

[McNutty]

Day 0:

Another day another thread. As per usual, I had a huge relapse that prompted me to try and bring back balance to my life. Since the last time I posted, I have not had any notable streaks, and have been oscillating between the desire to be free and continuing my addiction. I've long passed the point of being totally exhausted by my addiction and how it affects every facet of my life. I am now at a stage where I am losing hope in all things. I have to save myself a world of hurt by giving this formidable foe the time and attention it deserves.

I have been seeking help (albeit, intermittently) during this hiatus to try and kick this addiction, but through journaling, I have discovered that the closest I've come in the last 30 or so months to escaping the 'status addictus' was when I was posting daily to this forum. I am basically hoping to 'recreate the magic' of the first time I started posting here regularly. One other thing that I've decided to employ is the use of exercise whenever I get a terrible urge. This will come in handy, especially in the first few weeks.

If all goes well, I should be completely PMO free forever.

My target right now is to make it to October 15th, or die trying.

McNutty

 

[McNutty]

Day 1 - No PMO:

[07/17/2024] The first day went by relatively smoothly, with the exception of slight urges here and there. I was seriously planning to exercise in order to alleviate the urge as I found myself leaning towards giving into it - but I was so tired from work that I just collapsed into bed at the end of the day. Obviously, I'm glad I didn't end up ruining the streak on the first day haha.

I did miss journaling the first day as I was really tired, which is also not a great way to start this thread. I am here now checking in and that's all that matters. Day 2 also went by without a relapse, but I also couldn't exercise due to my demanding job. I wrote both entries back-to-back but they are technically the entries for the 17th and 18th, respectively.

 

[McNutty]

Day 2 - No PMO:

[07/18/2024] The second day was just as uneventful. I had some relapse ruminations with vivid PMO flashbacks but luckily I was still too tired to follow through with it, luckily. I guess just living a sedentary lifestyle, coupled with my job, makes it harder to allocate time to PMO, especially given how I need at least 3 hours (at the very least) to browse, binge, and edge to this filth in order to get off. I'm very sleepy just typing this so definitely won't be beating it tonight.

I fear I am still not in that zone yet. I can't describe it but 'the zone' is that state of mind where I know early on that I am about to enter a long streak, and therefore bring my A-game into it. That would mean restricting fantasizing, screentime, and just checking out girls on the street. These are some of the ways I normally 'gauge' how serious I am. But then again, my longest streak (which I journaled about on a different thread on this same account) started off kind of bumpy, but I powered through. This is what I'm planning to do now.

 

[McNutty]

Day 3 - No PMO:

I feel like I am on a mission...a mission to free myself. Looking back, I feel that most people who started this journey around the time I did (2012-2013), have successfully kicked the habit. At least from the subreddit I used to frequent, it does feel that way. It's scary to think that I have been in active battle against this addiction for more than 10 years. TEN YEARS! That's a long time to be fighting. The crazier thing is I am still fighting through. Sometimes I feel broken and weak-willed, then the odd long streak comes and I find myself a few months porn free, which restores back my confidence. I do want to join the league of dudes around my age, who have been on these forums for as long as I have (Spangler, Gabe Deem, Fugu), but who have successfully beat this monster of an addiction to the depths of Davy Jones's locker - never to be heard of again. But I feel that my beast, much like the kraken, is so formidable once it surfaces - that to never summon it is the best way to defeat it. But it's always there...just waiting to come out.

I'm just rambling at this point, but I just want to get my thoughts out. It is possible there's a different source that fuels my addiction, and I am working on finding it out. I'm also getting professional help to get to the bottom of things, but I just don't know sometimes. I know that I have it in me to beat this addiction. But sometimes I think I am not as afraid of the prospect of PMO-ing 'forever' as much as I am afraid of being free.

 

[McNutty]

Day 4 - No PMO:

[07/20/2024] Missed another entry due to my job. Yesterday was a good day except for the odd pangs here and there. I got some of my motivation back and kept thinking of what I would do differently this time around to make it to 90 days. Mood keeps fluctuating between optimism and extreme exhaustion from this addiction. I know I can make it out, I just need to soldier on for a while longer. I learned that not many things can keep the urge from coming back - except for being out of the house for long. The last few years with work and commitments made it difficult to stay away for long. There are other things I could do here and there to minimize the chance of relapse (like reducing screentime, more exercise...), but I feel like, at my age, they are not as effective as when I first tried them out. I don't know, maybe it's hypofrontality, maybe it's the idea that I've failed before countless times that makes me not want to try it out.

Whatever it is, I decided to take it slow for now and came up with a new plan: The new plan is basically the old plan. I would journal everyday, remind myself of why I'm doing this, and stick to exercising whenever I get a nasty urge. Other than that, I plan on living my life normally and just do normal things. So far so good.