Is there a light at the end of the tunnel?

Greetings,

My last post was December 2016, I relapsed after 48 days my longest streak.

Started with videos at age 13 . Normal P websites

Met my GF 2019, slowly over time went back into P due to life situations and stress ( covid , job loss etc. ) slowly found God to help guide me as he still is but I need to put in work also.

My P was vanilla , and then turned violent. Dark videos , paid by Bitcoin sometimes . Morphed into younger girls, on the border of pedo. Never made it that length luckily. ( my tastes are mostly fetish , not exactly sexual ) which makes it harder because I can find my videos on YouTube .

This morphed into fake Insta accounts, pretending I was a model scout. Convincing random girls to send videos by sending them money. Some I even knew personally wish was crazy who you would never think would be open to such things.

Succeeded many times. Almost 5k+ spend in $$

This went on for months till I found the world of webcam, pay by the minute . More money spend , upwards of 10k + now over the course of a couple years.

I am now on the border of making it a reality at a BDSM club and mistresses near me. My fetish has morphed. Believe it or not, the P I watch does not include sex.

Still with my GF she has no idea but our sex is almost non existent . Luckily we forever love one another .

I have essentially hit rock bottom. My withdrawal after 2 weeks is complete depression ( dead inside ) sometimes can’t think but recently God has helped me succeed. It’s been now a couple weeks. The insta page was deleted a year ago and all my fake emails.

Therapy ? What does one do at this point.

Will I ever recover from such morphed sick P addictions .

Thank you

Darren
 
"Will I ever recover from such morphed sick P addictions."

Only if you want to. For me, at this point, what you call porn addiction, has become sort of an arm's length extension of the study of human neuropsychology.

You are not addicted to porn. No one ever has been, nor to sex. You are addicted, because you can be, to using porn and or sex to achieve a neurological motivational and reward event, in the brain. That's naturally occurring, IN NATURE, but being the clever monkeys we are, we have figured out ways--even when we really do not know it or conceive of it as such--to trigger the reward event in ways nature never intended. Thus, you. You do not need to recover, you do not need therapy, this is not an illness. This is not something that just happened to you, you did not "catch" this. You need to step back and totally reevaluate what you are doing. You need to understand you can push a button to get a dopamine high, and you have been doing that. No one else did this to you; it is you doing it to you. I think you may have reached a place where you dislike the feeling more than you like it. I love quoting Gary Wilson, but I hate this quote, because it was easy for him to say, but incredibly difficult for a person who has trained--right, trained--their brain to expect a dopamine high from pushing the button: just quit. Everyone who quits has a reason to quit, or we would not quit. You have to take time off from porn, meaning at least months. You trained your brain to get here even if you did not know you were training your brain; now you have to consciously train your brain to get out. It's your life, you have to own it. If you don't like this part of your life, change it.

Much love.

WILL
 
Really sorry to hear that Darreng, I wish you the best in fighting this horrible addiction.

Sometimes people seem to really beat it, but unlike alcoholism or smoking or gambling or other addictions where many people are able to go completely cold turkey and eventually get themselves to a point in their life where they just don't do that anymore, it seems like for most of us porn addiction is an unwelcome passenger on life's journey since it stems from a natural impulse and needs no external purchases to feed itself.

That said even if you never truly kill it, I think there's wisdom in managing it like a progressive degenerative disease: there is value in fighting it, keeping it to a manageable murmur instead of an overpowering roar in your life. You can heal some of the damage. You can prevent more damage from being done and from yourself slipping further. Yes it is exhausting to do battle against this indefatigable enemy, but giving up is no choice, and you CAN reduce how damaging it is in your life.

Someone who struggles daily but only relapses once every week or two and only briefly to some "innocent" porn is doing much better in their life than many.
 
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