Don't think he ever stopped just got trickier

[Blank248]

Was on here 2016 when I discovered my partner was using porn. An icon was left on my computer the one we use at work together, he tried to deny it then and I nearly walked away but he convinced me to stay. So I have had bread crumbs since that time but I know he uses Air play and screen share which is harder to discover. He uses his iPhone mostly and today I have discovered that he is using and mainly of course when I am not at home. I ref Basketball on a wednesday night and that is his main plan on that night! I came home early a few weeks ago and heard him scuffle around upstairs and I knew he was up to something. So I put a plan in place and I was right. Feeling very sick to the stomach now that it truly is in my face. Do i stay, Do I go... I am not sure but leaning toward leaving. I care a lot about him but he has lied... ALOT and attacks me many times over the years when I ask questions or I carry on about how bad porn is and how they have linked it to Domestic Violence. I feel so betrayed, am I over reacting I don't know any more, should I just grin and bear it or make the break and move on... I don't even know how to broach the subject last time I did he attacked me verbally saying how bad my past was and what I got up to...OMG grabbing at straws he was, Im no spring chicken those days long gone! Anyway just wanted to vent really Im not yet sure what I will do, my Mum is in a nursing home near where I live so I don't want to leave her and move away so a lot of thinking to do, prob no sleep for awhile. Its funny but he doesn't want to give it up I know that now, but he wants his cake and eat it too, young porn babes or aging partner haha he does the weekly sex thing as he knows I would certainly question him intensely but now I feel its a token, something to shut me up... Jobs Done type thing... I don't want to go down that rabbit hole again. Feeling pretty sad about the whole thing, now it's my turn to be fake and play along, my turn to figure out my next step and keep him in the dark!! We have a great life, but now I think I deserve a great life, on my own!!!

 

[GBS]

Hi @Blank248 - thanks for coming on here again. I think it is so very powerful and helpful to have partners on here. Sadly there aren’t enough and so you possibly need and want female perspective and empathy but it is in short supply.

For the avoidance of doubt, I am male and older (62). I will just say this. Obviously your partner has a problem and very simply he needs to confess it all and seek help. So easy to write those words, not easy to do. A confession, an honest one, deserves (at some point) respect and possibly forgiveness, but honesty is key. I wish I could sit with your partner and explain what he has done to himself. Apart from what he has done to you, and please understand I am not playing that down, when he realises that recovery is for his own good and is physical as well as mental, then your joint recovery can gather pace and have substance.

My wife discovered my usage (and flirting with other women) in February 2022, and she has stuck by my side. I am clean for 2 and a half years, and my wife is trying to move on but can’t quite do it all yet. It’s very hard for her, and by inference you too, and so a lot of work is required by both people. But he has to start. This may be too difficult a subject to broach but someone early on suggested I read the work of Dr Gary Wilson (Your brain on porn) and I also watched a YouTube 15 minute TedTalk called The Great Porn Experiment which is a really good eye opener.

I wish you the very best and hope you can persuade him to get help. He could come here for a start.

Good luck GBS

 

[Blank248]

Hi thanks for the reply. I too have noticed less partners on here I have stalked recently until I got enuf courage up to post I’m a private person not a fan of social media etc as feel it’s just too fake. I just feel strongly now after going through what I’ve been through and continue too, last time I was all calm and understanding, I just wanted to help but I was all wrong I was trying to fix him and it’s not my problem I’m the receiver and it’s taken its toll my self esteem has plummeted I was confident sexually now I am self conscious and doubt myself and hate showing myself to him as I know he sees these perfect bodies. He’s not confident either! He’s been a real Prick to be honest!! I would even say nasty at times esp when drinking it’s like he despises me, I’m thinking when I unload all my thoughts he will just say no as well, I honestly think he won’t give the P up, he is ashamed of it … afterward but def not during I heard him say … ‘Fuck It Who Cares’ . I’m going to get advice on what I have to loose monetarily if we split. It’s our second relationship…
I’m very happy to hear you are 2.5 years clean that is an amazing achievement I’ve seen these sites first hand the one he left by accident and jeez they are full on I get why u get addicted it’s designed that way of course it really should be brought out into the open more … how many lives destroyed families broken apart. The Ted talk sounds good too … I bought a book last time but he doesn’t read, only likes pictures I can’t talk to anyone yet I’m trying to find out what I really want what my next step will be, women are planners we play the long game after all we are the game the prey so our instincts can protect us. The internet world is not a kind place, a lot of the men on here I wish them all the best least they are trying. If I ever meet anyone again it will be someone like me, more about nature than technology. Anyway great to get another perspective.