The Final Thread continues

[new reality]

Hi, I've been forty for a little while now, so it's time to move to this section. My old thread is here:

Let's call it "the final thread"

So yeah it's been a bit of a hell week. Fortunately it hasn't been too bad as regards the addiction (but not perfect, certainly), but otherwise pretty rough. On the other hand, I guess I know "the truth" about certain things now, and it's time to accept those truths and start to move on. In some...

forum.rebootnation.org

I read somewhere that if you're going to count days, just count as far as seven days and then go back to zero and aim for seven days again, and repeat. Or try not to count days at all. Not bad advice I think.

A slightly boring first post in this section, but I'll have to leave it there. I'm doing okay at the moment.

 

[new reality]

I read somewhere that if you're going to count days, just count as far as seven days and then go back to zero and aim for seven days again, and repeat. Or try not to count days at all. Not bad advice I think.

A reset yesterday. Although it's probably good not to count days, once you've had a reset it may be worth figuring out how long your streak was. I'm not entirely sure how long that streak was, maybe it was two weeks plus a day or two if I'm lucky. The previous streak was 17 days. So I'm doing better than I had been recently, but there's definitely room for improvement.

Perhaps I'll talk about what triggered the latest reset soon.

 

[new reality]

A reset yesterday. Although it's probably good not to count days, once you've had a reset it may be worth figuring out how long your streak was. I'm not entirely sure how long that streak was, maybe it was two weeks plus a day or two if I'm lucky. The previous streak was 17 days. So I'm doing better than I had been recently, but there's definitely room for improvement.

Perhaps I'll talk about what triggered the latest reset soon.

I think that reset was triggered by feelings of shame. That was a while back anyway.

I still have progress to make regarding recovery and making the most of what I'm capable of doing here on earth. I do have issues which are hard to do much about it seems, but I need to do my best.

Also, a site that isn't P as such but I tend to go there during a reset at some point - that site has serious issues. From a moral standpoint alone I shouldn't go there again. Wish I didn't have stupid urges but oh well.

 

[new reality]

Blockers have been helpful to me in recent times. There are ways around them of course, but I've put a fair bit of effort into making them more reliable and so on. I'm currently using ColdTurkey on my Windows laptop and Lock Me Out on my Android phone. I'm not paying for either, and in fact I wouldn't recommend paying for blockers if my anecdotal experience is anything to go by.

My Linux devices are proving a little more difficult (besides the "Hosts file" trick which is easy to undo).. but after trying various things this weekend I've taken a simpler approach and just removed the web browsers that were installed and replaced them with much simpler browsers. Someone who is more skilled at Linux may have better luck with blockers however - feel free to share if you're such a person!

 

[new reality]

My Linux devices are proving a little more difficult (besides the "Hosts file" trick which is easy to undo).. but after trying various things this weekend I've taken a simpler approach and just removed the web browsers that were installed and replaced them with much simpler browsers. Someone who is more skilled at Linux may have better luck with blockers however - feel free to share if you're such a person!

I found a way of making the "Hosts file" trick much better, so I've applied that to the Linux devices I'm using.

It's been a fairly tricky week so far, from a stress and mental-health point of view, but there have been some good points too. It might be a good year for making changes in general.

 

[new reality]

I found a way of making the "Hosts file" trick much better, so I've applied that to the Linux devices I'm using.

It's been a fairly tricky week so far, from a stress and mental-health point of view, but there have been some good points too. It might be a good year for making changes in general.

I've really locked my Linux devices well now, also using an "rfkill" program (or whatever it is) on at least one device. I tried to undo it one day but couldn't. Another approach I tried was using an alternative operating system. A lot of things are hard to do on that O.S., so I didn't bother doing them. That included wireless connectivity.

I've got more stress and stuff going on now, which might explain why I'm here. Why don't I come here more often? Maybe I'll do some bullet points:

• I feel that forums like this place too much emphasis on the addiction. That can be helpful at times, but other times it may be better to focus on better things. Replace the addiction with other stuff.
• Forums can have the side-effect of making us feel worse than we need to about a reset which has already happened. Too much of a sense of failure, which isn't particularly helpful I don't think.
• I did try joining another forum which was supposedly about "self-actualisation" or something. Unfortunately, and perhaps predictably, some members of that forum (and especially the forum's creator) were complete tools.

Anyway there's another post for what it's worth!

 

[new reality]

I skimmed through an interesting article the other day. It mentioned that porn plays a significant role in 60 per cent of divorces. Before internet porn became widespread, porn use was almost unheard of as grounds for divorce.

I might not have mentioned yet in this thread that I've largely solved my addiction to "actual" porn sites. It's very rare that I go to one of those sites. When I do I feel very messed up by them, by the way. I'm more addicted to sites / apps that I don't even want to describe really at this point. They share a similarity to dating sites / apps, which I rarely but occasionally use. Also it's easy to stumble upon lower-level forms of porn in this manner.

I'm usually single, so I'm not currently in danger of losing a relationship or marriage due to my addiction, but it's interesting to think about how this is such a common result of these types of addiction. And in the past, yes it has been a significant reason for my relationships and potential relationships to fail, even if my partners never knew or confronted me directly about it.

 

[new reality]

I think I first joined a forum like this one about ten or eleven years ago. Time makes less and less sense the older I get, but anyway. My addiction is much less of an issue nowadays, but it's still there. In fact I could say that I pretty much never look at porn any more, how great am I? The problem is my addiction takes on other forms which are basically as bad (see my previous post).

I feel the need for some accountability, so here I am. Maybe I'll post every few days or so.

 

[new reality]

Reset. Might as well name my addiction like I used to - I'm an online chat addict. Also a porn and p-sub addict, but those are easier for me to quit.

I'll try and be more open on here. I won't necessarily report all resets, partly because my mind rationalises that I should have "one last look" at something before reporting and getting serious again.

My mind sucks sometimes. Okay time to enjoy the rest of the day

 

[new reality]

I swore an oath to myself (and any God or gods out there etc.) to stay clean (as I see it), for what it's worth.

I'll go back over some of my history briefly.

Many things sucked about my teenage years, especially those years when I was in school (my home life was also bad a lot of the time, and I didn't like my neighbourhood much, although there were some nice places for exploring).

One way I was lucky was that I didn't have access to high-speed internet, just really slow dial-up around my mid-teens. My luck actually continued in this regard as I left school and lived in a few different places where there was also no internet at home. I MOed too much, and P-Sub MOed too much, but still this was much less of an addiction than modern high-speed internet enabled addictions. You'd generally get the business done pretty quickly and you almost certainly wouldn't do it again for at least 24 hours.

My luck ran out as I approached my mid-twenties, but still this isn't bad for someone who lives in the West and is currently aged forty. I also stuck to the old dumb phones for a long time rather than switching to smartphones. However, I got high-speed internet at home and the rest is addictive history.

A big contributor to my addiction was a lot of things generally not going well in my life. I was in a toxic friend group also, which I didn't break free from until my early thirties. I got addicted to many different online things, including online chat of various kinds. Part of this I think I can blame on that toxic friend group (I'm also responsible for things I did under that influence, I take some of the blame as well), so that's something I should always remember to help me avoid these addictions.

I'll wrap it up for now, but I'll mention again that I joined forums like this one roughly ten years ago. This eventually led to some good streaks and considerable time away from chat, PMO, MO and M. Okay gotta go sooner than I thought.

 

[Blondie]

Hey @new reality. I believe in you man. You came back here. You've had some success before. I think so much of this is believing that we can change. I fight that often on this journey. Do I believe it? Do you believe it?

You got this man.
Keep up the fight.

 

[new reality]

Hey @new reality. I believe in you man. You came back here. You've had some success before. I think so much of this is believing that we can change. I fight that often on this journey. Do I believe it? Do you believe it?

You got this man.
Keep up the fight.

Thanks. Also I never really gave up for any length of time. I'd reset but then try to get straight back on track.. sometimes I would and sometimes I wouldn't, but I'd always try!

I swore an oath to myself (and any God or gods out there etc.) to stay clean (as I see it), for what it's worth.

That seems to have helped.

I'll go back over some of my history briefly.

Many things sucked about my teenage years, especially those years when I was in school (my home life was also bad a lot of the time, and I didn't like my neighbourhood much, although there were some nice places for exploring).

One way I was lucky was that I didn't have access to high-speed internet, just really slow dial-up around my mid-teens. My luck actually continued in this regard as I left school and lived in a few different places where there was also no internet at home. I MOed too much, and P-Sub MOed too much, but still this was much less of an addiction than modern high-speed internet enabled addictions. You'd generally get the business done pretty quickly and you almost certainly wouldn't do it again for at least 24 hours.

My luck ran out as I approached my mid-twenties, but still this isn't bad for someone who lives in the West and is currently aged forty. I also stuck to the old dumb phones for a long time rather than switching to smartphones. However, I got high-speed internet at home and the rest is addictive history.

A big contributor to my addiction was a lot of things generally not going well in my life. I was in a toxic friend group also, which I didn't break free from until my early thirties. I got addicted to many different online things, including online chat of various kinds. Part of this I think I can blame on that toxic friend group (I'm also responsible for things I did under that influence, I take some of the blame as well), so that's something I should always remember that to help me avoid these addictions.

I'll wrap it up for now, but I'll mention again that I joined forums like this one roughly ten years ago. This eventually led to some good streaks and considerable time away from chat, PMO, MO and M. Okay gotta go sooner than I thought.

Going back to my teenage years, and even further back, you could argue that I got addicted to sugary food and drink, like many people nowadays. I was never extremely heavy but in my late teens I noticed that I wasn't losing weight despite getting plenty of exercise. I decided to quit sugar and the weight did start coming off.

Perhaps my alcohol use increased, however? And then about ten years later I started trying to quit PMO and online chat etc... did my alcohol use increase again?

So in recent years I've been trying to reduce or eliminate alcohol, with some success but some exceptions. But overall I'm probably on the right track. So I quit sugar, then PMO, then alcohol. Maybe in the past it would be more common for a guy to quit alcohol first and then quit sugar and/or PMO (this addiction would have manifested differently before high-speed internet, generally speaking).

Right I'll leave it there for now.

 

[new reality]

A streak ended recently but on the plus side it was longer than recent streaks, and alcohol-free as well (so my alcohol-free streak continues). Earlier I estimated that the streak was 17 days but it may have "only" been 14 days.

I decided to give meditation another go, I'm on a free trial of an app. I sometimes do a couple of mindfulness exercises but I haven't done more "formal" meditation for a while. It may not be for me, or I may only be able to do it in a limited way due to my issues, but here's to another go.

There's a free article on Medium called "a superior (realistic) alternative to nofap that actually works". I'm taking some inspiration from that lately. It's a bit similar to things I did in the past, such as if you reset, instead of going back to zero say "I've had one reset in X number of days".

It would be nice to have occasional MO resets instead of using any of the modern bad stuff such as P. Trickier than it sounds to actually do that though, plus the chaser effect may happen anyway.

Okay, onwards with positivity.

 

[new reality]

Another reason that my alcohol use increased in recent years was the following. I get a buzz from things like martial arts, working out, jogging and so on. Unfortunately I seem to be a bit prone to getting injured while doing those things. So when I couldn't get a buzz from exercise or P, there was always alcohol. Of course a more sensible solution is to do more exercise that is unlikely to lead to injury, such as walking and swimming. Anyway my alcohol-free streak continues.

So far so good with the meditation. I'll be the first to admit that meditation isn't the all-good, risk-free practice that some people make it out to be, but it may be helpful for someone with addictive tendencies. Addicts often want to change how they're thinking or feeling in the moment, and meditation can help with that (or just help you take a step back from your thoughts and emotions).

I read bits of other journals here the other day, and had the thought that the worst thing about P (and similar addictions) is the escalation. You started out watching X, then got addicted to Y and Z as well. And Y and Z were really weird and probably had nothing to do with anything you might have had an interest in previously. Of course we could argue about what the worst thing about it is. Maybe it's the difficulty of quitting and the withdrawals and all that! And of course the PIED, although some people don't seem to suffer from that so much.

 

[Percival]

It's a long, long struggle. I get you. Your particular problem (just like my particular problem) is all tangled up in layers of your personality, your environment, your upbringing, your desires, your trauma (or lack thereof). We're all similar, but exactly what works or doesn't for each of us is different. But you're aware of it, you're working on it, and it's better than it used to be, right?

 

[new reality]

It's a long, long struggle. I get you. Your particular problem (just like my particular problem) is all tangled up in layers of your personality, your environment, your upbringing, your desires, your trauma (or lack thereof). We're all similar, but exactly what works or doesn't for each of us is different. But you're aware of it, you're working on it, and it's better than it used to be, right?

Yeah, much better. A couple of times recently it's been challenging when I have a lot of time to myself (even though there are always a lot of things I could be doing with that time), but the situation is a hell of a lot better than it used to be. That said, it could be better, and has been better at times than it is now.

I'm currently reading a book and listening to a podcast by the writers of the book. They challenge many of the typical ideas around addiction and recovery. I'll give this method a proper try and get back to you guys (and any non-guys who might be reading).

Slightly unsure about meditation at the moment due to some research I did. I may well try to make a habit of it again, but more research is needed!

The alcohol-free (besides any trace amounts in non-alcoholic beer) streak ended at around 28 days. It's been a long time since I did a streak that long I think. Let's see what happens with this book I'm reading. Not sure when my next post will be.

 

[new reality]

Okay it's been on my mind to reply but I haven't got round to it. It might take a few posts to get some points across.

I'm currently reading a book and listening to a podcast by the writers of the book. They challenge many of the typical ideas around addiction and recovery. I'll give this method a proper try and get back to you guys (and any non-guys who might be reading).

That book and podcast is "The Freedom Model". One way to understand The Freedom Model is the opposite of the Twelve Steps! By Twelve Steps I mean the method used in Alcoholics Anonymous and similar groups. Even if you never consciously sought out Twelve Steps ideas, you more than likely absorbed a lot of it because of its massive influence in addiction recovery. Even those two words, "addiction" and "recovery" are bad according to The Freedom Model! The Freedom Model hates the Twelve Steps! Lol.

What should you say instead of addiction? "Preference", apparently. As for recovery, I'm reminded of something someone wrote on a forum like this years ago. They said they were back from travelling, staying in hostels and so on. "Recovery" was incredibly easy while this person was travelling. They had almost no time to themselves, perhaps they didn't have convenient internet access at all times, lots of interesting distractions and so on. No real withdrawal symptoms. When they came home it was much easier to "reset" or "relapse".

The Freedom Model made me think that there's no addictive, Godzilla-like monster chasing us around, even if it can seem that way. It's like we've taken on weird, powerful beliefs that make us think that way, and beliefs can be pretty powerful.

However, The Freedom Model can also seem somewhat hyper-rational or something. Do you think you're addicted because of trauma? Well, many people with trauma aren't addicted, therefore trauma doesn't inevitably lead to addiction. I dunno though, it seems to me that things like trauma and strong emotions can be powerful "triggers" (probably shouldn't use that word either lol).

Also, I didn't finish reading the book. I got a bit tired of the hyper-rationality and perhaps the constant bashing of Twelve Steps stuff, even if it's good to hear some criticism of it. Indeed I've been a bit critical of some of these "recovery" ideas in the past.

The Freedom Model also seems to encourage a more relaxed, indeed "rational" analysis of why we have this "preference" (as opposed to "addiction", as mentioned earlier). For example I used to think I was addicted to X, when really I often needed X plus Y and sometimes Z instead of just X (although X can be enough sometimes).

Right I think that's enough for now. Whether I suffer from "addiction" or "preference", I'd like to solve this pretty soon! I had been doing pretty well lately but something outside my control "triggered" me last weekend, so I started by drinking too much one day and then resetting or whatever we want to call it the next day yadda yadda lol.

 

[Blondie]

Thanks for this book recommendation, @new reality. I've never heard of this book before, but I've been reading through it with great interest the last 24 hours. It has shook my ideas about these important matters to the core. It's just what I needed.

 

[new reality]

I posted this on your thread Blondie, but I'm posting it here also for future reference.

https://www.reddit.com/r/pmohackbook/comments/18se80v

 

[new reality]

It's been a while since I've updated this journal!

I've certainly had slips since my last update, but maybe I'm onto something now.. I haven't been obsessing over the Freedom Model, but I've listened to the podcasts now and then, things like that. The Freedom Model is obviously appealing since it promises actual freedom from addictions, rather than having to work on recovery indefinitely.

So the other day I was listening to their 27th January podcast, Why "Addiction Recovery" is Bullsh*t - And How to Move Past It for Good. At some point I thought, maybe it's okay that I like certain things about this "addiction". There are other things I obviously don't like about it. Overall, does it make me happy? Not really, but at the same time it's not the end of the world that I like certain things about it.

It's early days but I think I've genuinely had some sort of breakthrough on it.

One "downside" of the Freedom Model, if you're like me, is that you may read something or hear something on the podcast which makes you think, wow I've solved it! But you haven't really. Maybe you've reached some sort of milestone, but you're not quite there yet so try not to get over-confident. Maybe one way to distinguish this kind of thing from an actual breakthrough is, if you're addicted you may be impatient to have "one last look" or something to test it, whereas an actual breakthrough will happen more "in your head", and be more than just an appealing thought or whatever.