Daily Update (M27)

[tay97]

Me:
- 27 y.o.
- Job that I like and that pays well enough
- live alone in small apartment
- Good family
- No friends
- very attractive, manly, 186 cm hight, fit/ muscles

- somewhat bisexual: I am into girls and want to be in serious relationsships. But there are certain types of guys that I feel attracted to. I have been sexually active with a lot of guys (around 25, hooking up through dating apps) but it has always made me depressed afterwards even though the sex was often good. But tbh I never cared for them, ecspecially with Post Nut Clarity kicking in, no feelings, no true intimacy. I may think my sexuality is the result of my porn consumption growing up.

- I am once again setting my phone back, trying to clean it up and also by creating this thread which I want to use daily, I want to change my life, I want to live.

 

[tay97]

Day 0 (No PMO, No dating apps)

I came twice today already. I am going to set my phone back to get a fresh new start as I was too comfortable. Then I will go to the gym, even though I know how weak I will feel when I see other people. But this is the punishment I need to get through. I don't think I will be able to make moves on girls with this state of mine, so be it. Afterwards family eating. Let's go.

 

[tay97]

Day 1 (No PMO, No dating apps)

A bit sick. Had my day off. Went out for food. Nothing special. Exchanged a few words with a random guy.

 

[tay97]

Day 2 (No PMO, No dating apps)

Even though I am sick, I feel energized and down to earth if that makes sense. Woke up with morning wood, other than that all good.

 

[tay97]

Day 3 (No PMO, No dating apps)

I feel gooooood. During my break today I went to McDonald’s and the cashier looked attractive but I didn‘t think of doing a move. The conversation went like this:
Me: three burgers please, Her: just one?
Me: three, one is not enough, her: haha
And then she kept making eye contact with smiling and head tilted forward like a puppy. She initiated word exchange twice while waiting for my order, and I knew she was interested. I was too because of her body ngl. I say bye went out and thought fuck it. put my number on a paper and went back inside. She was busy I put the note on the counter waited for her to see me and pointed at it, she smiled. I am not sure if she picked it up though. Next time, I need to give the note in someones hand.

Pretty proud of myself for doing this. In the past I would have thought to myself like why should I approach someone who I am not going to love 100%. I hope she texts me, if not, Idgaf. Life is good!

 

[tay97]

Day 5 (No PMO, No dating apps)

Home from work. 2 days off. I feel the urge to get on an app and hook up with a guy. Only real thing holding me back is that I am still a little bit sick.

 

[tay97]

Day 7 0 (No PMO, No dating apps)

Felt very lonely last night and decided that I want to find someone on grindr to cuddle with. Potentially more. I thought, well I am bi and I can do what I want. Maybe I will find love who knows. Texted, send and received nude pics with a bunch. But went to bed without meeting or masturbation.
This morning I woke up very horny. After texting with people I invited someone home (after videochatting with him). In RL I wasn‘t 100% into him. After I came the Post Nut Clarity kicked in hard.

What am I doing with my life? This is so depressing and embarrassing.

Deleted the app and cried for a a bit. I want a gf with true intimacy and love but I keep hooking up with guys. I can’t break out of this. Thinking about therapy.

 

[tay97]

Day 1 (No PMO, No dating apps)

Many things annoyed me today. Had terrible headaches.

 

[tay97]

Day 2 0 (No PMO, No dating apps)

Hooked up with a guy. It was good sex. But after coming I felt empty. And the thing that really broke my heart is him realizing that I was not looking for anything more. I am ashamed for feeling cold and distant. I was just using him. This is me? Using people’s bodies for my sexual needs. How can I look my mother in the eye again?

Even worse my family invited me over for dinner I said I am busy. What a trash human being.

 

[tay97]

Day 0 (No PMO, No dating apps)

Once again failing. Using apps to talk to guys. Didn't find someone and used a videochat for gays. Today, I went to the grocery store and a cute girl was making eye contact with me but I was not able to look her in the eyes godamn what a fucking looser I am.

I am starting a new apple account on my phone because I dont want to have a history of having grindr on it. Also, looking into using my phone as a dumb phone because I waste so much time on youtube shorts.

I don't think I am into guys. Like there are some type of men that I find attractive and I would theoretically want to have sex with but I don't think of falling in love with a guy. Almost every single time after I hooked up with a guy I felt embarassed and didn't want to be close with them.

I feel confused, lonely and weak.