The Alchemy of Effortless Change

[Phineas 808]

There is a term I use occasionally, schemas. These are like little tape recordings that tell some story that play out in one's head given the right cue. For example, a schema will start playing when my wife travels out of town for an overnighter. One can either be caught up in this schema or learn how to ignore it.

A certain schema has been playing out in my mind recently, regarding... what? The holidays? Regardless, there were cues and a certain tape started playing.

Part of this particular schema was that:

Before all was said and done, I had to act out to whatever was being suggested, or to go all the way, to whatever may or may not have been acted on, or already responded to. And that during this time, why even pray? Because you know that it will have to reach its inevitable conclusion.

This of course is all thought/urge, not necessarily even acted on. Though, certainly, if responded to, would cause the neural pathways to be lit up, making it more difficult (but not impossible) to ignore or not act out.

In the midst of this schema, I was like, Why not pray? Isn't this the very time to pray? Isn't this reflective of my very need for the Lord? What? We're to only pray when things are good? Or, when there's no question as to behavior or performance? But the God I serve is a God of grace, Who doesn't judge us based on performance but on faith. Ours isn't a performance based religion.

So, I turned to my Abba Father, and my hurt and pain, the emptiness, the loneliness was immediately assuaged. And the schema? Silenced.

 

[Phineas 808]

4.19

Love and affection.

It was ingrained in me early on that, for whatever reason, these needs not being met by either a loveless mother or an absent drunken father, that I must not have been worthy of such. This meant for me that I was unlovable, not worth being loved.

Make no mistake, I was starved for affection. This came out every time my mother had visitors coming over. They would quip to my mom, "Oh, what an affectionate child!" I was simply starved for affection!

Love and affection certainly speak to deeper needs which make us whole, make us human. To lack such... we needn't wonder too much on how the lack of this affects the person. Externally, we may consider concentration camp prisoners, how emaciated and gaunt they appear! This is an outward picture of how one must be inwardly. This answers to my own neediness for the affection of a woman, and to act like a starving and anxiety driven person in public, looking for the beauty and/or attention of a woman.

Is this need being met today? I have a wife, and she loves me. She's affectionate and playful, but not typically a touchy person as I longed for in my youth. And a question to explore would be, do I even feel worthy of such love and affection? Do I feel worthy of her love? Could this be part of why I tend to isolate myself from her. Am I insulating myself from her?

The bad habit and/or addiction could also be a way of pushing someone away, as if I can take care of this need myself. This, of course, is the opposite of intimacy, the fantasy that is pornography! Surrounding oneself with an imaginary (or pixalized) harem is a cheap and unsatisfying attempt to meet this deep need, perhaps without the possibility of being hurt and rejected, as occurs in real life.

How to meet these needs? Again for me, via spirituality- or, my relationship with God. And while I know He accepts me unconditionally, I must meanwhile, work on my relationships with my wife and family.

 

[Gracie]

The discussion of being worthy came up at Christmas with my brother’s family. His wife made me a quilt that I love. She started pointing out imperfections that I could not see. We were then talking about parents and the things they did, being not affectionate and preferring others. Then feeling imperfect. Feeling like if we could just be good enough it would all change. Then marrying and sometimes having that same scenario in our head. The need to be “perfect”. We need that unconditional love and affection. And we realize it. But it is unfamiliar to us so we push it away. We look for other things to fill that. Some are more healthy than others. But that need never goes away.

 

[Phineas 808]

You raise an interesting point, @Gracie!

We were perhaps conditioned, unwittingly or otherwise, that we had to somehow earn our love, affection and attention at home. We had to be 'good' and not 'bad' (or other expletives); not that we had to do good and not bad, but that we had to be... This little difference is a vast ocean, the one from the other. We carry this into our adult life, "I do these bad things, therefore I must be a bad person." Instead, in our recovery, we say rather, "I'm a good person who sometimes does bad things." We all know that toxic shame is a major driver of these unwanted behaviors.

The point you said above that we all realize that we need that unconditional love we're all searching for, but our minds, conditioned into thinking we have to earn it, be good enough for it (though none of us are), we tend to reject or push away that love whenever we encounter it. If we live under shame (and not acceptance and grace), we see ourselves as unworthy of that love from our spouse or significant other.

 

[Phineas 808]

Night is always darker before the dawn and life is the same, the hard times will pass, every thing will get better and sun will shine brighter then ever.

- Ernest Hemingway

Why is it? Changing the habits that surround the unwanted habit seems to have the opposite effect, things get worse than before. You begin moving furniture around and the 'inner child' (little monster) throws a major tantrum! You go to change your habit, but instead things escalate in terms of frequency and intensity...

There's a term for this, an extinction burst. This is what happens when a behavior is being eliminated and it's no longer being reinforced (via the habits that surround the habit, or the habit itself). But, bad behaviors peak right before they go away. So, right when you think you've made things worse, and there's no hope, you're actually on the cusp of real change.

One's habit is being threatened, hence the greater intensity behind its stronger efforts to exert itself. Whatever you think the habit is doing for you is also threatened. But this is a huge precursor to change.

So, right when you think your efforts are futile, and that you're actually worse than before, it may be that you're efforts at habit change are about to pay off big time.

 

[Phineas 808]

3.18

To sit with your emotions is better than turning to the maladaptive behaviors of P, PMO or MO. If need be, change your emotional states if sitting with them is unproductive or needless suffering.

To sit with one's emotions, rather than running to the 'baby bottle' of masturbation, or the crutches of P, PMO, is a marked improvement to how things were before. Taking charge of how one is feeling (though this can only be indirectly changed), via physiological movement or self-talk, is a marked improvement, worlds apart, to how it was before.

We're here talking about maturity versus a retardation of emotional or psychological growth. I am more mature if I can sit with the pain, let it be what it is, and be stronger for it when it passes. This is better than refusing to feel, to feel life, to feel pain, by escaping into the false comforts of P, PMO, or MO.

I am more mature, changed, and vastly improved, if I can alter my emotional states (insofar as they are adversely affecting me) consciously, mindfully, rather than mindlessly running towards [former] habits.

 

[Phineas 808]

To seek a deeper understanding and awareness of oneself, curiosity needs to be a driving force.

Like, what is it about our family relationships, say between a father and a daughter, that causes such pain that one is left seeking self-medication?

As in all habits and addictions, there are all manner of cues or 'triggers' that, like Pavlov's dog drooling when hearing the dinner bell, initiate urges that seek reward or release. All manner of cues, because they can range from external to internal cues; they can be circumstantial, a scent, a sound, a visual cue like a billboard; and they can be internal, emotional, evoked by a dream, a memory, feelings brought about by interpersonal interactions.

What past hurts and injuries suffered from one raising a volatile, rebellious, ungrateful and disrespectful daughter? There is of course love, and hopeful expectations in growing past whatever may have occurred. But what, what was it that rang the bell? Not to answer, certainly not in a reactive way, or a presumptive way, but really... When not getting the answers or reactions expected, when the door of communication is purposefully slammed shut (are they protecting their self?), and they, holding the key (as a powerplay), only make it worse by pouring in the salt of disrespect, what is it?

At the very least, pain- painful memories- these ring that bell, and a lower-brain is seeking dopamine to assuage the uncomfortable feelings. But to not go down those well worn paths is the only way to grow, to find more healthier ways to deal. But, even if nothing is done, things come back down to baseline of themselves, given space, given enough time.

 

[Phineas 808]

Cognizant Dissonance

The unconscious mind is not logical; it’s all about feelings. It is the source of love, desire, fear, jealousy, sadness, joy, anger, and more. The unconscious mind drives your emotions and desires. When you make a conscious decision to quit or cut back on alcohol, your unconscious desires remain unchanged. You have unknowingly created an internal conflict. You want to cut back or quit, but you still desire a drink and feel deprived when you do not allow yourself one.

This is exactly what happens inside your brain when you realize you are drinking more than you should. In psychology this phenomenon has a fancy name—cognitive dissonance, defined as the mental stress or discomfort that is experienced by someone who holds two contradictory values, ideas, or beliefs at the same time.

This internal struggle has been studied in-depth. It is very difficult to be happy or at peace when we do something part of our brain doesn’t agree with. We will go to incredible lengths to overcome the dissonance and restore internal peace. We do this both consciously and unconsciously. And because not all our attempts to remove the struggle are conscious, we can, unknowingly, lie to ourselves.

There are a few ways to overcome this division and restore our inner harmony:

1. We can change our behavior: “I won’t eat any more candy.”

2. Or we can justify our behavior by changing the conflicting
idea or information: “I can cheat every once in a while. I
deserve it.”

3. We can justify our behavior by adding new behaviors: “It’s
OK. I will go to the gym later today.”

4. Or we can delude ourselves by ignoring or denying the conflicting
information: “Candy isn’t that bad for my diet.”

So how did my dad overcome his cognitive dissonance? How did he achieve spontaneous sobriety? He chose the first way, to stop drinking once and forever. But when he made this decision, he had long since determined that alcohol was not doing anything positive in his life. He realized this with one hundred percent of his mind, leaving no lingering doubt, no room to question his decision. He chose to stop drinking with all of his brain, and by doing this he ended the conflict, achieving peace. The personality characteristic that allowed him to do this, his decisive and definitive nature, is also a quality that contributed to his drinking. When he was a drinker, he drank with his entire mind. He didn’t doubt or question every drink. If drinking a little was good, drinking a lot was better. This commitment is both what pushed him to become dependent on alcohol and what ultimately helped him find freedom.

I won’t tell you what my dad did is easy to do. It’s not. It takes a mind that is pliable enough and strong enough to change all of itself—both the conscious and the unconscious. This Naked Mind does that work for you. By reading this book, you are changing your unconscious mind, so you can easily and peacefully end the conflict inside your brain. You may have been living with division in your brain for years, even decades. Only you know how much pain and suffering this has caused.

Excerpts from This Naked Mind, by Annie Grace

* You can substitute P, PMO and MO for references to drinking or alcohol.

 

[Phineas 808]

Changing the Desire for Unwanted Behaviors

The thinking is this:

Despite conscious choices and an intent to quit, the sub-conscious mind continues on in it's beliefs and delusions. Hence, there's an ongoing cognitive dissonance and potential duplicity concerning unwanted behaviors. Feelings express the sub-conscious mind more than does conscious thought. Changing your sub-conscious beliefs will affect and change your feelings for P, PMO, and MO, making it easier to quit.

This may be a lengthy post, but it represents a deep dive for me, a challenging of the feelings behind the unwanted behaviors without judgment.

Reasonings toward Unwanted Behaviors

Below is first the reason or rationalization, and the subtext in red is the answer.

1. It feels good.

It feels good to be clean, to have not looked at anything, to not have done anything when I otherwise had opportunity. It feels good to have a lengthy streak of abstinence. Holiness feels good.

2. It relaxes me.

Temporarily. But the fear of discovery is stressful. Guilt and shame are stressful. The addiction creates its own weather.

3. It destresses me.

It distresses you.

4. When my mind gets too full, I need a release, a vent.

This is what healthy brains innocently do to help. But it's a handicap, retarding yourself from personal growth. The full and busy mind, will relax of its own.

5. It helps me to escape negative and painful emotions.

Until it creates its own negative and painful emotions. If they arise, feel them for what they are, give them their voice- or else, let them go as freely as they came.

6. It takes away loneliness.

It actually fosters loneliness, because it's in isolation and secrecy. There's inherent shame, which isolates one. It insulates yourself from feeling life, and thus isolates you from life. You're not actually in relationship with pixelated images. You're having sexual or emotional relations with a phone screen?? It feels far better to have sex with a real woman with emotional connection.

7. I get 'special attention' that I don't get anywhere else.

They're looking at a camera, and will never actually meet you, see you, or look at you. They're looking at (likely) some ugly man filming them. It's pretended and fantasized attention.

Give yourself attention by not engaging in this meaningless fantasy.

8. These women are doing everything for my personal enjoyment.

Again, they don't know you, nor will ever meet you. They don't actually care about you. They're actually doing this for themselves, for the money, enriching themselves off of lonely and broken men. Or, they're doing this because they're being sex-trafficked, and have no say in their own fate.

They're not trying to please you, but trying to please their handlers, so they can get either money, drugs for their addiction, or to not get beat or killed.

9. I need this.

Your lower brain needs this. Habit and addiction needs this for its own survival. Cease feeding it (via responding to the urges), and it will go away. Do this consistently, and it will be no more.

What you need is God, sanity, wholeness, holiness, purity, a happy and wholesome self that doesn't depend on these behaviors for its fulfillment.

10. I deserve this.

You deserve to be happy. You deserve to be free from addictive behavior. You deserve to be clean. You deserve to leave these behaviors behind, and be a new person.

11. This special time is the only time I get to experience these things in the privacy of my own home.

What makes this time so special? That you get to look at pornography with all its filthiness? That you get to swim in filth, looking for that 'golden nugget'? That you get to be autoerotic?

Nay, but this is a special time when, in the privacy of your own home, you get to become more intimate with God, mystical.

12. If I don't act out to this now, I'll miss out on this golden opportunity.

The opportunity is to dismiss the urges and change. The opportunity is to no longer treat alone time as a hall-pass. The opportunity is to truly enjoy your time alone.

13. If I don't act out to this now, I'll miss out on hours of endless pleasure.

Or, if you don't act out, you'll miss out on endless hours of obsession, tiredness the next day, missing a good night's sleep.

14. These women smile at me, are accepting of me, do not reject or judge me.

They're acting on film. Or, they may smile, but they actually disrespect men who treat them as objects. They smile because they're getting paid.

15. They're enjoying this.

They may or may not be enjoying it; or, they're acting; or, they're playing out an abuse scenario, where, yes, there's enjoyable physical sensation, but it's forced, coerced, motivated by a drug addiction, or sex-trafficking.

16. They make me feel loved and accepted.

In person, they probably wouldn't accept you- why? Because it's fantasy.

17. They want me to enjoy this.

They want money, they want drugs, they want their abusers to leave them alone, they want to be respected as women.

18. They are doing this for my own private viewing.

They don't care about your private viewing, they don't exist. How private is it? Servers, IP addresses, all of that can be forensically dissected, tracked or traced. There is no privacy any more.

19. I have the opportunity to see beautiful women doing things they wouldn't normally do.

Things they normally wouldn't do, because they have issues. Why take advantage of broken or abused women?

20. It brings a smile to my face viewing certain scenarios.

Why? Smiling doesn't make it right. Smiling while drinking poison? Smiling while hurting yourself? Smiling proves misplaced feelings.

21. I'm angry at, or hurt by my wife, I may as well do it!

Revenge porn! Why end what felt like healing, what was normalcy, only to revisit obsessiveness and compulsion? Because I'm angry or hurt, what- hurt myself more, in the name of comforting myself? Forgiveness feels better.

22. I have this freedom (at home alone) to do anything, without accountability!

Be accountable to yourself! You are not being your best self, or the best version of yourself- hold yourself to a higher standard!

23. Women have always been my saviors.

In appearance. I need but one Savior. Again, I need to save myself from depending on any maladaptive behaviors.

24. This is what men do, I need this to express my needs as a man.

Real men don't watch porn. They're only satisfied with real love with real women. Real men respect women, protect women from the dehumanizing porn industry. Real men grow up, and face their pain and their problems without running away.

The above will be altered and changed as either better answers are forthcoming, and as other reasons, rationalizations or excuses are uncovered.

 

[Blondie]

Thanks, @Phineas 808, this was good. A virtuous reminder to stay the hell away. It does us no good and it never has.

Best

 

[Phineas 808]

Thanks, @Phineas 808, this was good. A virtuous reminder to stay the hell away. It does us no good and it never has.

Best

Yes, @Blondie, and that's really the main point. The sub-conscious mind (if not the conscious), finds some kind of good in the unwanted behaviors, and so that's why it continues to survive. A true 'porn is not an option' mindset is to see that there's no good in porn to begin with. It's only an option when we see some good in it.

Stay tuned, I'm working to complete it, ! Afterward, it will be a kind of 'living document', as I either discover new [false] beliefs, newer ways to answer, or as I find a way to shorten it, lol...!

 

[GBS]

Yeah, tanks from me too @Phineas 808 - really good to See the revolting truth written out in full. Keep doing your amazing work.

 

[Phineas 808]

Thank you, @GBS!

 

[Escapeandnevercomeback]

and that's really the main point. The sub-conscious mind (if not the conscious), finds some kind of good in the unwanted behaviors, and so that's why it continues to survive. A true 'porn is not an option' mindset is to see that there's no good in porn to begin with. It's only an option when we see some good in it.

Definitely. That's what happened to me, man, and I'm sure it's true for many of addicts: One day this survival mechanism, this survival mode in me saw something that looked like it could be the medicine and decided to drive me life in a way that could facilitate obtaining those behaviors. I was on "autopilot" for years, I had no idea what I was doing but only that I was just getting worse and worse. Definitely first thing to do is to recognize how you function on survival mode trying to stay safe. Getting out of this is going to involve some discomfort, some getting out of comfort zones, patterns etc. but if one invests the work, it's a life worth trying to live.

 

[Phineas 808]

I held fast to my principles when pressed, despite the proximity of sensitized pathways. One has to be true to themselves, even if in appearance it may be otherwise. If a lie protects the whole, but a truth undermines it, which do we choose?

 

[Escapeandnevercomeback]

I held fast to my principles when pressed, despite the proximity of sensitized pathways. One has to be true to themselves, even if in appearance it may be otherwise. If a lie protects the whole, but a truth undermines it, which do we choose?

 

[Phineas 808]

Back in the older journal, I had color coded the amounts of days to represent spans of time where the habit or addiction could still be sensitized, and to represent coming into more safer territory (desensitization).

This can encourage vigilance without being 'hyper-vigilant', and to build excitement that, Yes, change is actually occurring.

Red = 1 - 30 days

Orange = 31 - 60 days

Blue = 61 - 90 days

Green = 91 - 120 days, and beyond.

Also, it takes 90 days to promote habit change, and deal with the neural chemicals released during P, PMO:

DeltaFos B: 42-56 days (6-8 weeks), dealing with porn-memory.

Hypofrontality: 56 days (8 weeks), dealing with brain fog.

 

[Blondie]

I really like this @Phineas 808. I concur too with those time periods in general, because they seem to match my experience. The red zone is really dangerous and one can find himself heading back to the filth without even a moment's notice. In this stage one can almost have a schizophrenic nature, where they can say one thing and full heartedly believe it, but instantly change their mind when the urge happens. Past that, the orange zone is far better as urges go, but it's almost just as dangerous because you might think you're doing "better" than you really are and get cocky and complacent (my last relapse was almost two months clean). Beyond that it gets better but there's still rocky roads ahead. I do wonder if it ever ends? Besides the grave that is! I sure hope so, because even now I still feel the pull once in a blue moon.

I just realize I might have completely misunderstood what you're going for here, but whatever.

Best,
Blondie

 

[Phineas 808]

Thank you, @Blondie. Yes, you understood it correctly. Yes, that's about it... and it makes sense how we can still be so duplicitous when in the 'red-zone' or even the orange, when the neural chemicals are still at play.

But I want to make this point, that these color codes really apply to someone that's habituated or sensitized to the unwanted behaviors. This means that they're coming out of regular use, and attempting to abstain, reboot, or whatever the kids are calling it.

However, if someone were in the Green, as it were, and had a slip or 'lapse', it doesn't mean they're automatically back in the red. Now, given that these neural pathways can be resensitized, we want to avoid that scenario. But should it happen, the next question to ask is, "Is there repeatability"? Does the occurrence have a 'repeat' to it? This only reinforces what just happened neurochemically, and in terms of habit.