Dj Rascasse
Member
Hi all,
This is my second attempt to quit on my own, without external help, my addiction to pornographic content. I already tried in 2018 and shared the content here. It lasted 7 weeks, and just didn't manage to not replunge.
Let's do it, bloody me . This time I can . This is an update of my post of 2018
Hi all,
I guess my story is similar to a lot of what other people have written here, but it feels good to write it.
I am 42 years old, father of two wonderful kids below ten years old, and husband to my wife that I met 20 years ago while student. We have had and still have a family life that is often brought as example to others: our couple is never quarrelling and our kids are angels. I have been a successful neuroscience researcher for the past 12 years. I am also a very sporty person, lately finding a lot of happiness in ultra-trail running (long distance running in mountains).
So in one sentence: no problem, or at least no apparent problem.
Because for 28 years, I have been addicted to internet porn. All started when I found my dad's magazines, and then very fast discovered online porn when I started building static HMTL website in the mid-90s. It was the time when you had to wait for the image to load line by line
. Then came, student life, Kazaa, uTorrent and all the rest you all have in mind.
The addiction didn't disappear when I met the love of my life, neither it faded when I got kids. No amplification either, just the need to connect to porn sites as soon as I had some time on my own with kids/wife around. Three / four times a week, in addition to a normal sex life. As this dependency was not accompanied by any erectile dysfunction, nothing to worry I said to myself. There was no evolution to more dirty porn, but to more voyeurism both online and in real life.
In a sense, this situation could have stayed like this. But I suspect the incapacity to share this addiction with anybody is provoking physical trauma, specially ulcers and stomach issues. In addition, I do love my wife and kids so much that I want to anticipate a possible side effect of this addiction on our family. I have managed to hide it until now.
Now I am just taking the step forward and I am, as we say in French (and maybe in English), ready to take the bull by the horn. I visited my GP on the 11 Sept, and at the end of a discussion about another subject, I asked him if he had any recommendation for a psychologist. I explained what it was about and he directed me to a centre for addicted person close to our place. And then, going out from the GP, it just clicked: he is the first person that I shared this with, now you have no choice but to stop. How could you look at him (and more importantly look at me) and justify that you have tried nothing?
One thing I have learned from ultra-trail running is this : you and your body are capable of much more than what your brain tries to tell you. When you have been running for 8h in mountains, the brain naturally asks you to stop and rest. But I don't do it, I continue. I fight. I push the limit. And I finish the bloody race. SO if I manage in trail running, why not trying against my addiction?
This is going to be a long fight, I know it, I feel it. I know my temper. But I am ready, now.
This journal is going to the only place where I will share this transition. I hope to have a cyber party here when I will consider myself cured
This is my second attempt to quit on my own, without external help, my addiction to pornographic content. I already tried in 2018 and shared the content here. It lasted 7 weeks, and just didn't manage to not replunge.
Let's do it, bloody me . This time I can . This is an update of my post of 2018
Hi all,
I guess my story is similar to a lot of what other people have written here, but it feels good to write it.
I am 42 years old, father of two wonderful kids below ten years old, and husband to my wife that I met 20 years ago while student. We have had and still have a family life that is often brought as example to others: our couple is never quarrelling and our kids are angels. I have been a successful neuroscience researcher for the past 12 years. I am also a very sporty person, lately finding a lot of happiness in ultra-trail running (long distance running in mountains).
So in one sentence: no problem, or at least no apparent problem.
Because for 28 years, I have been addicted to internet porn. All started when I found my dad's magazines, and then very fast discovered online porn when I started building static HMTL website in the mid-90s. It was the time when you had to wait for the image to load line by line
. Then came, student life, Kazaa, uTorrent and all the rest you all have in mind.The addiction didn't disappear when I met the love of my life, neither it faded when I got kids. No amplification either, just the need to connect to porn sites as soon as I had some time on my own with kids/wife around. Three / four times a week, in addition to a normal sex life. As this dependency was not accompanied by any erectile dysfunction, nothing to worry I said to myself. There was no evolution to more dirty porn, but to more voyeurism both online and in real life.
In a sense, this situation could have stayed like this. But I suspect the incapacity to share this addiction with anybody is provoking physical trauma, specially ulcers and stomach issues. In addition, I do love my wife and kids so much that I want to anticipate a possible side effect of this addiction on our family. I have managed to hide it until now.
Now I am just taking the step forward and I am, as we say in French (and maybe in English), ready to take the bull by the horn. I visited my GP on the 11 Sept, and at the end of a discussion about another subject, I asked him if he had any recommendation for a psychologist. I explained what it was about and he directed me to a centre for addicted person close to our place. And then, going out from the GP, it just clicked: he is the first person that I shared this with, now you have no choice but to stop. How could you look at him (and more importantly look at me) and justify that you have tried nothing?
One thing I have learned from ultra-trail running is this : you and your body are capable of much more than what your brain tries to tell you. When you have been running for 8h in mountains, the brain naturally asks you to stop and rest. But I don't do it, I continue. I fight. I push the limit. And I finish the bloody race. SO if I manage in trail running, why not trying against my addiction?
This is going to be a long fight, I know it, I feel it. I know my temper. But I am ready, now.
This journal is going to the only place where I will share this transition. I hope to have a cyber party here when I will consider myself cured
Better mood today.