The Path

[McNutty]

Day 0:

I am back. 867 days have passed since I first posted under this account. That time I made it to 67 days PMO free. Today, however, I have hit a new low. Unfortunately, what I have learned over the past 2 years, 4 months and 13 days - is that I have no rock bottom. I keep descending in what appears to be a bottomless pit, and every day I don't climb out is a day I fall deeper. As is routine, I binged to porn for 4 hours non-stop today but I am at a point where the pain outweighs the pleasure. I hope this marks the tipping point in my addiction story as I have decided that I will not be the one that got away in my own life story.

As with the other journals, I will use this space to not only chronicle my journey to make it to the elusive 90 days, but I will also share insights I have learned from this journey. I very much feel mentally castrated at this stage, and I hope that through continued abstinence and resilience - I am able to feel the passion and motivation I had once upon a time.

McNutty

 

[McNutty]

Day 1 - No PMO:

I've been dabbling with different methods to try and quit PMO-ing. The interesting thing is it feels that every new method I learn causes the addiction to have a tighter grip on me. I've tried AVRT, a variant of SMART, Allen Carr's method (adapted to PMO), The Freedom Model, and a few others to just get to a stage where my addiction is under control. I call it interesting because back when I was younger, I didn't know about any of these methods, didn't even understand addiction very well, but easily made it a few months at a time without PMO-ing. Maybe my addiction got more intense, or maybe my willpower reserve is dwindling as I get older.

I suspect the main reason is because of the 'Status Addictus' (state of addiction) mindset I now carry with me. I mentioned this before - it's even the title of one of my threads. I am obsessively thinking about my addiction and ways to escape it. I am working through this with my therapist but I still feel that if I don't conquer this addiction, this mindset will only get stronger.

In terms of abstinence, it's been a pretty uneventful first day. Not much in the way of urges and my mental state is in a meh zone. I generally feel uninspired and unmotivated. I hope this will change as I grow my streak and work on my mental health.

 

[McNutty]

Day 2 - No PMO:

Another uninspired, uneventful day. Very early on in my journey so I'm not expecting much by way of improvements. But also, another way of looking at it is that I did not watch this filth today, so in a way this day is already better than most days in my life. Everyday without a relapse is a day worth celebrating. I guess what I'm saying is it feels good to look back on the day and internalise the fact that I'm one step closer to my goals.

There is a feeling that some recovery spaces (particularly AVRT and AA-type groups) refer to as 'the Abstinence Commitment Effect (ACE)' or the more common 'moment of clarity'. I realise I've been chasing this feeling for a while as I've had it a few times over the past 15 years (and more) of my battle against PMO, and it usually is a great indication of a long streak. I don't know much about it but I feel the moment of clarity, particularly after I get the realization that PMO has caused so much damage in my life, gives me so much juice to get me through the most difficult withdrawal period (for me the first 3 weeks and again after day 60). Maybe it's all just mental and the moment of clarity/turning point/Abstinence Commitment Effect is just a strong change in the way I perceive/identify with my addiction that helps me to just fly through the toughest periods. I guess what I'm rambling about is I kind of have this feeling now with this streak, and this can only mean good news. Time will tell though...

 

[McNutty]

Day 3 - No PMO:

Passed the first 'mini milestone' of 3 days. It's been good so far, no thoughts about PMO or feelings of deprivation. Although it is way too early in the journey to be making any kind of assumptions about how the trend will be over the next few weeks. I have one sole focus: make it to 90 days completely PMO free. It's high time I strap up and get it right this time. I've had my fair share of fun and pleasure, but I feel I gotta pay some of this debt back now.

I started the day off with a general sense of mediocrity, but I didn't let that stop me from doing some work on my business as I'm working to get it off the ground now, in addition to my full time job, which I am planning to quit this year. If I stay on this path, this will be the best gift I can possibly offer myself, as the mental load of being addicted is my biggest hurdle. I believe the relief of this mental weight is, in essence, what the infamous 'nofap superpowers' phrase is trying to describe. That and a bunch of other neurochemical changes that happen to the brain as a result of sustained abstinence from a supernormal stimulus like porn.

Now that I've made it through the first three days, my next objective is to cement this streak further by powering through the dreaded days 10-14. I don't really have an action plan in place to prevent relapses aside from this journal, but I am weirdly not too worried about it. I feel like the journal is more than enough in the sense that it allows me to dump all of my thoughts about PMO, its effects on me, my fears, etc., in one place (this journal) and forget about it for the rest of the day. That is probably why I do it in the first place. I should take up some cardio to channel that excess energy, which usually just ends up being spent on porn.

 

[McNutty]

Day 4 - No PMO:

The day started off well but I got a few urges as it went on. Nothing I couldn't handle so I am relieved. I do have to stay vigilant as I have a 'pre-urge state' I experience where I start rationalizing a session or find myself planning them in my head when I zone out. A bit of that happened today when I got my urges, that's when I started feeling the rush and only pulled myself together when I remembered how I felt after my last binge a few days ago on Feb 20th. It was bad. Bad enough that it pulled me out of the pre-urge state I was in.

On the entry yesterday I mentioned that I don't actually have a plan in place to prevent a relapse (apart from this journal). I'm starting to think that I am probably better off with a plan - at least in the first few weeks - so that what happened today doesn't turn into a full-blown relapse. I will have to brainstorm something. The issue with me is every relapse prevention plan or technique I tried in the past fell short of the required objective. Porn blockers, mindfulness, or even exercise were not enough to prevent a relapse. I do understand the counterargument that they are not meant to be fool proof, but only create a safe distance between PMO thoughts and myself to buy me some time to do the right thing. They do work on some level to achieve that but I always end up cracking after a few attempts. I feel like this is because deep down inside I believe that I will relapse, eventually. That needs to change.

 

[BrassBalls707]

Porn blockers, mindfulness, or even exercise were not enough to prevent a relapse. I do understand the counterargument that they are not meant to be fool proof, but only create a safe distance between PMO thoughts and myself to buy me some time to do the right thing. They do work on some level to achieve that but I always end up cracking after a few attempts. I feel like this is because deep down inside I believe that I will relapse, eventually. That needs to change.

Hey, good to have you back. I saw you've been taking the time to write out your thoughts, that's going to pay dividends down the line I believe so great job with that!

I agree that these tools you describe "buy you time to do the right thing", I've had experiences that align with that. However, more often than not these stood no chance against me when I was seeking to relapse. Ergo, I believe these tools will work even better if you cultivate and maintain the mindset best for you. I think if you explore that last belief further - I will relapse eventually - you will discover something valuable to that end.

Take care

 

[McNutty]

Day 5 - No PMO:

Toughest day yet. Not even half way through the day and I've (firmly) decided to relapse 3 or 4 times already. Only thing keeping me from a relapse is the logistics of it all with me being swamped with work and everything. Regardless, that did keep me from relapsing and I guess I'm thankful for that. I tried to make the relapse work around my schedule but I need to block out at least 4 hours for 'my last binge session before I "quit forever"'. Obviously I've had hundreds of those in recent memory.

I can't concentrate on work so I thought to jot down a few notes to try and calm the thoughts down. I'm not kidding when I say it took me almost 2 hours just to write those few lines because I keep switching tabs, between browsing Reddit and planning how my relapse session will play out. I'm in a serious mental battle right now. Technically, relapsing will end this mental tug of war, but in a way I know this session will justify the one that succeeds it...and so on, and so on. I'm doing future me a huge favour by making sure the last session remains on the 20th, until it becomes a distant memory of the life I always longed to leave behind.

I've recently been telling myself that the next relapse will affect my life for the next 10 years or more. And by choosing not to relapse, I may be positively affecting my life for the next 10 years. This is not a mental game I'm playing on myself, it's from personal experience. The longest streak I've ever had was a bit over 5 months, almost 12 years ago now. When I was about to end my 5-month streak, I was faced with a personal choice, and I opted to relapse because it had been too long since I PMO'd, I thought that there'd be no harm in a small relapse, followed by a renewed commitment to life-long abstinence. Unfortunately, that split-second decision to relapse resulted in months and months of abstinence-relapse-binge cycles that I was back in the hellish game again. I feel like I have been chasing that streak ever since.

 

[McNutty]

Hey, good to have you back. I saw you've been taking the time to write out your thoughts, that's going to pay dividends down the line I believe so great job with that!

I agree that these tools you describe "buy you time to do the right thing", I've had experiences that align with that. However, more often than not these stood no chance against me when I was seeking to relapse. Ergo, I believe these tools will work even better if you cultivate and maintain the mindset best for you. I think if you explore that last belief further - I will relapse eventually - you will discover something valuable to that end.

Take care

Hey @BrassBalls707, thanks for stopping by! Good to be back. I do have a lot on my mind, as you know this struggle is really humbling.

I can see that you're back on the wagon and close to hitting your month one target - good on ya! I hope I get there soon too.

 

[BrassBalls707]

Hey @BrassBalls707, thanks for stopping by! Good to be back. I do have a lot on my mind, as you know this struggle is really humbling.

I can see that you're back on the wagon and close to hitting your month one target - good on ya! I hope I get there soon too.

It truly is humbling. It really drives home the idea of "your worst enemy is yourself". Rebooting isn't just getting rid of a bad habit to me, it's about the pursuit of self-mastery. Gaining and applying insights to your own benefit is deeply satisfying to me. I'm rooting for you as well dude

If you don't mind a piece of advice to that end: make rebooting your #1 priority.

I understand you may feel overwhelmed, which makes the task of taking time to reflect seem herculean and perhaps (addicted inner voice speaking!) 'not worth it'. Perhaps the demands of your occupied lifestyle leaves you with too little time to process and de-stress? I have considered that you may be biting off more than you can chew, does this feel true?

If rebooting is not your #1 priority, you may struggle to apply insights you have gained. Definable triggers, common circumstances, internal emotions and thoughts... You may forego opportunities to reboot in favor of something else. To build conscientiousness, to avoid situations instead of willpowering through, to cognitively restructure...

Journaling is a tremendous tool for that, and I sincerely believe you're on the right track. Anyways, it sounds like you could benefit from doing yourself a favor. Consider slowing down on that 'right track', to attend to the unfulfilled needs that porn seeks to satisfy.

Although I believe addiction is a lifelong drain, it needn't be so intense. In a reasonable time of continued effort, your desire will lessen and it *will* get easier. Armed with the other measures you have taken, you are prepared to truly prosper. Your efforts will compound!

I wish you a satisfying return to yourself, go crack that nut McNutty!