Impression
Member
Day 15
Wow, this is scary. Sharing such a hidden and private part of my life with a group of strangers is a daunting thing to do. But I am comforted by the knowing and understanding that we are all on similar paths - even though each individual path has totally different contexts, trajectories, start points and end points. It has been wonderful to read through some other threads in this forum and to find that I resonate with so many aspects of what has been written therein! I am excited to join this supportive and well-meaning community, and to overcome this dopamine devouring addiction!
I guess to be clear about why I am here: I am addicted to internet porn and PMO by extension. I am addicted to the internet in general (mostly YouTube, but sometimes Facebook, Instagram and other social media sites). I was historically addicted to cannabis, but I have managed to overcome this addiction and have been non-reliant on it now for over 2 years. One thing I learnt through overcoming my addiction to cannabis was that using it was the best coping mechanism I had at the time, and until I was able to fully understand what I was using it to cope with, and how to “upgrade” my coping mechanism, I was stuck in a vicious cycle of using it. However, the fact that I was able to break the cycle gives me hope that I will be able to do the same with my porn addiction.
My overall intention: to become liberated from these invisible chains that bind me to a life of illusion and dis-ease. I feel as though my addictions are robbing me of my true agency, and are holding me back from realising a version of myself that I know is within me, who is just bursting to show himself to the world. I have an intuitive knowing that my addictions (and many other people's addictions) are rooted in trauma, and my addictive behaviours are my way of coping with those traumas. So my secondary intention is to discover parts of my true self through unpacking and uncovering why I am addicted to PMO and the internet. Why am I addicted to distracting my mind?
As a bit of background to my PMO and internet addiction: I first started watching porn at the age of about 13 or 14 (I am now 31). At first it was intermittently and I felt both guilty, ashamed and exhilarated by the experience, but I soon became a regular PMOer and have done it probably on average 4-5 days every week. With some bouts of really intense fapping (like 2-3 times a day) and other other bouts of trying to quit and trying to cut-down. I went for a few months without porn in 2022, and it felt fantastic! Only I relapsed and moved back to square one. This addiction has fed into my addiction to the internet and to distraction in general. And I suppose to the dopamine release that my brain receives each time I watch a pointless video on YouTube or PMO plays a large part in my addiction too.
Previously, I have tried to quit PMO because it makes my feel ashamed, disgusted at myself, frustrated, it definitely affects my libido and performance during intimacy with a partner, I think it makes me anti-social, it gives me acute lower back pain when I do it frequently, I feel like I rely on it instead of healthy coping mechanisms, and I am coming to recognize that my brain has come to rely on the dopamine kicks I derive from PMO. I also strongly disagree with the objectification of the women's body, but watching P frequently results in my objectification of women's bodies and I intensely dislike that experience too. I haven't really suffered from ED, but I do feel like I have never really been able to fully express myself sexually, or at least I don't know what my sexuality is like without PMO because I have been addicted since before I lost my virginity.
So this is the beginning of my journey to overcoming this (these) addictions and I am thrilled. I have no expectations, but I do understand that it may be very very challenging at some points, and that it may be glorious at other points. I feel like I need all of it! I feel like I need to feel again.
Anyway - here we go!
Wow, this is scary. Sharing such a hidden and private part of my life with a group of strangers is a daunting thing to do. But I am comforted by the knowing and understanding that we are all on similar paths - even though each individual path has totally different contexts, trajectories, start points and end points. It has been wonderful to read through some other threads in this forum and to find that I resonate with so many aspects of what has been written therein! I am excited to join this supportive and well-meaning community, and to overcome this dopamine devouring addiction!
I guess to be clear about why I am here: I am addicted to internet porn and PMO by extension. I am addicted to the internet in general (mostly YouTube, but sometimes Facebook, Instagram and other social media sites). I was historically addicted to cannabis, but I have managed to overcome this addiction and have been non-reliant on it now for over 2 years. One thing I learnt through overcoming my addiction to cannabis was that using it was the best coping mechanism I had at the time, and until I was able to fully understand what I was using it to cope with, and how to “upgrade” my coping mechanism, I was stuck in a vicious cycle of using it. However, the fact that I was able to break the cycle gives me hope that I will be able to do the same with my porn addiction.
My overall intention: to become liberated from these invisible chains that bind me to a life of illusion and dis-ease. I feel as though my addictions are robbing me of my true agency, and are holding me back from realising a version of myself that I know is within me, who is just bursting to show himself to the world. I have an intuitive knowing that my addictions (and many other people's addictions) are rooted in trauma, and my addictive behaviours are my way of coping with those traumas. So my secondary intention is to discover parts of my true self through unpacking and uncovering why I am addicted to PMO and the internet. Why am I addicted to distracting my mind?
As a bit of background to my PMO and internet addiction: I first started watching porn at the age of about 13 or 14 (I am now 31). At first it was intermittently and I felt both guilty, ashamed and exhilarated by the experience, but I soon became a regular PMOer and have done it probably on average 4-5 days every week. With some bouts of really intense fapping (like 2-3 times a day) and other other bouts of trying to quit and trying to cut-down. I went for a few months without porn in 2022, and it felt fantastic! Only I relapsed and moved back to square one. This addiction has fed into my addiction to the internet and to distraction in general. And I suppose to the dopamine release that my brain receives each time I watch a pointless video on YouTube or PMO plays a large part in my addiction too.
Previously, I have tried to quit PMO because it makes my feel ashamed, disgusted at myself, frustrated, it definitely affects my libido and performance during intimacy with a partner, I think it makes me anti-social, it gives me acute lower back pain when I do it frequently, I feel like I rely on it instead of healthy coping mechanisms, and I am coming to recognize that my brain has come to rely on the dopamine kicks I derive from PMO. I also strongly disagree with the objectification of the women's body, but watching P frequently results in my objectification of women's bodies and I intensely dislike that experience too. I haven't really suffered from ED, but I do feel like I have never really been able to fully express myself sexually, or at least I don't know what my sexuality is like without PMO because I have been addicted since before I lost my virginity.
So this is the beginning of my journey to overcoming this (these) addictions and I am thrilled. I have no expectations, but I do understand that it may be very very challenging at some points, and that it may be glorious at other points. I feel like I need all of it! I feel like I need to feel again.
Anyway - here we go!