Reclaiming my agency - rediscovery of self through overcoming my porn addiction

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Impression

Member
Day 15

Wow, this is scary. Sharing such a hidden and private part of my life with a group of strangers is a daunting thing to do. But I am comforted by the knowing and understanding that we are all on similar paths - even though each individual path has totally different contexts, trajectories, start points and end points. It has been wonderful to read through some other threads in this forum and to find that I resonate with so many aspects of what has been written therein! I am excited to join this supportive and well-meaning community, and to overcome this dopamine devouring addiction!

I guess to be clear about why I am here: I am addicted to internet porn and PMO by extension. I am addicted to the internet in general (mostly YouTube, but sometimes Facebook, Instagram and other social media sites). I was historically addicted to cannabis, but I have managed to overcome this addiction and have been non-reliant on it now for over 2 years. One thing I learnt through overcoming my addiction to cannabis was that using it was the best coping mechanism I had at the time, and until I was able to fully understand what I was using it to cope with, and how to “upgrade” my coping mechanism, I was stuck in a vicious cycle of using it. However, the fact that I was able to break the cycle gives me hope that I will be able to do the same with my porn addiction.

My overall intention: to become liberated from these invisible chains that bind me to a life of illusion and dis-ease. I feel as though my addictions are robbing me of my true agency, and are holding me back from realising a version of myself that I know is within me, who is just bursting to show himself to the world. I have an intuitive knowing that my addictions (and many other people's addictions) are rooted in trauma, and my addictive behaviours are my way of coping with those traumas. So my secondary intention is to discover parts of my true self through unpacking and uncovering why I am addicted to PMO and the internet. Why am I addicted to distracting my mind?

As a bit of background to my PMO and internet addiction: I first started watching porn at the age of about 13 or 14 (I am now 31). At first it was intermittently and I felt both guilty, ashamed and exhilarated by the experience, but I soon became a regular PMOer and have done it probably on average 4-5 days every week. With some bouts of really intense fapping (like 2-3 times a day) and other other bouts of trying to quit and trying to cut-down. I went for a few months without porn in 2022, and it felt fantastic! Only I relapsed and moved back to square one. This addiction has fed into my addiction to the internet and to distraction in general. And I suppose to the dopamine release that my brain receives each time I watch a pointless video on YouTube or PMO plays a large part in my addiction too.

Previously, I have tried to quit PMO because it makes my feel ashamed, disgusted at myself, frustrated, it definitely affects my libido and performance during intimacy with a partner, I think it makes me anti-social, it gives me acute lower back pain when I do it frequently, I feel like I rely on it instead of healthy coping mechanisms, and I am coming to recognize that my brain has come to rely on the dopamine kicks I derive from PMO. I also strongly disagree with the objectification of the women's body, but watching P frequently results in my objectification of women's bodies and I intensely dislike that experience too. I haven't really suffered from ED, but I do feel like I have never really been able to fully express myself sexually, or at least I don't know what my sexuality is like without PMO because I have been addicted since before I lost my virginity.

So this is the beginning of my journey to overcoming this (these) addictions and I am thrilled. I have no expectations, but I do understand that it may be very very challenging at some points, and that it may be glorious at other points. I feel like I need all of it! I feel like I need to feel again.

Anyway - here we go!
 
I

Impression

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Day 16

Been travelling for work the last week, and this week is a travelling one too. I know my urges are stronger when I am away from my partner and I’ve made it through 9 days of travelling without relapsing, which I am really chuffed about.

However, yesterday I had a long 6-7 hour drive by myself and I felt quite strong urges while driving. I felt a little bored in the car and my mind often wandered to fantasies about sex. But when I arrived, I managed to remain present with myself and those urges and each time they came on, instead of following them blindly, I became curious about why they were there and started following that train of thought, which of course was a complete turn off and distraction from the urge itself.

Today I was conducting site visits and walked extensively, so I was ‘in my body’ a lot today. I don’t feel any strong urges to watch porn at the moment. I am feeling positive!

Here’s to reaching a month with no porn.
 
I

Impression

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Day 19

The last two days have been quite tough and I have MO’ed the day before yesterday because it felt like I needed the release. I did have the following interesting reflection though:

My desire to MO felt compulsive, like the initial thought and the ensuing feeling felt habitual and like I had no control over it. But the interesting thing was that the ‘activation energy’ required for me to set the mood and use my imagination to help me become erect felt like I had to be quite intentional and present with myself, which is a completely different experience to how I consumed porn. However, I think the habitual feeling of shame and guilt associated with PMO took hold once I’d orgasmed and I didn’t feel like it was a good thing to have done.

I’m curious to know how others have experienced the balance between PMO and MO? Is there benefit to going hardcore mode? I imagine hardcore mode might be easier if one is sexually active, but more difficult if not?
 
I

Impression

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Day 20

Feeling good - I am back home and with my partner it feels much easier to not even think about PMO. We have a great physical relationship and it’s much easier to avoid the temptation. Although, when I am stressed and less present with her, I have still found ways to PMO in the house or while she is out. So I am not out of the woods at all!

I have been feeling like I want to tell my partner about my addiction in a more serious and intentional way. I’ve told her that I watch porn and masturbate sometimes and she is open to and accepting of this, and has told me that she does the same sometimes too. But I haven’t told her that I have a problem with it and that there is an addiction and a compulsivity with which I watch porn. I feel like I would like to open up to her about it, especially for the support that she would likely give me and also just so that I can communicate that if I do act strangely, it might be that it’s because I am suffering withdrawals or something to that effect.

Has anyone else had partners in a situation that’s similar to mine? Any tips/advice is welcome.
 
I

Impression

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Day 21

After writing my entry yesterday, I felt confident and comfortable to share my addiction with my partner. It felt very vulnerable and scary, but it also felt easy. She was so understanding and supportive, and could relate to my addiction and shared that she’s felt similar things about porn in her own life!

I feel very supported and very accepted as a result of this. Its really wonderful. Let’s see if I can make 30 days. Almost there.
 
I

Impression

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Day 23

Today has been a challenging day. I have some big work deadlines for the end of the week which are always triggering for me. Work related stress has often been my number one relapse reason in the past and I have had urges throughout the day as I have had to deal with mental friction to get going on tasks that will contribute to me and my team meeting our deadline. So far, I have managed to combat these urges with staying in the work frame of mind and delaying the gratification that my brain wants to receive. As soon as I feel an urge arising, I set a timer for 10 minutes. If, after the 10 minutes, I still have urges, I will get up and go for a walk. But more often than not, the urge has disappeared after 10 minutes and I can turn the alarm off and carry on with my work.

It is weeks like these that are most threatening to my journey of recovery. I am hoping to make it to Friday with no P!
 
I

Impression

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Day 24 & 25

Last night was probably the hardest night so far. Felt really shitty, low self esteem, tired and frustrated. All I wanted was to escape to P land. Tried spending some time on YouTube to help with dopamine withdrawals, but it didn’t do the trick. Eventually I went to sleep and had wild dreams (not sexual ones, just crazy dreams).

Woke up early and went to gym which was a good thing for me to have done. It got me out of my funk and into a more positive mindset. I am working through this difficult work related project and feeling the need to watch P to escape the stress, but I am sticking with it. Very proud of myself for not succumbing yet.

My partner and I did have great sex this afternoon which has helped me a huge amount this evening. Phew.
 
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Impression

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Blondie said:
Nice job, @Impression. That's how we get some big numbers, and the further you go out, the easier it becomes.

Keep rocking it.
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Day 27, 28 & 29

Thanks so much for the words of encouragement @Blondie, it is really good to feel supported like this!

The last three days have been pretty good. Travelling with my partner to visit family and attend a wedding, so this last weekend and the coming week will be filled with family and friends, which make it much easier to stay away from porn. I have seen some enticing content that has triggered my desires over the last three days, but I haven’t acted on any of those desired, which is very promising too. Normally I’d have relapsed after seeing content like that.

Upgrading my operating system slowly. I’ve also found that a consistent meditation practice has helped me with awareness when it comes to those triggering times. I am aware of what is happening in my body and can choose how to act as opposed to acting compulsively.

Almost a month clean!
 
I

Impression

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Day 30 and 31

Yes! I feel like I am a marathon runner stumbling over the finish line. Only to realise that this is just the beginning 🥲

The last two days have been tough. I’ve had strong urges and have found myself gravitating towards more risky and exposing content. But each time I feel my brain getting excited, I’ve managed to snap into the awareness of what I am about to do and have been able to put my phone down or close my laptop. It feels really empowering to notice those pulls and to be able to choose differently.
 
I

Impression

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Day 33-37

Thankfully these days all breezed by in a bliss of joyous celebration and laughter. Attended a wedding with family and friends. Made new friends and reconnected with old ones. It was good. That’s the kind of feeling I wish I had more often because there was no space and no need for porn at all. I didn’t even think about it.

Gearing up for this week - I know the urges will come back as my dopamine circuits reset after the festivities of the weekend. Feeling positive though. May we all have a porn free week this week!
 
I

Impression

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Day 43
This week has had its ups and downs - as most of them do 😌 but generally I’ve felt quite good and quite excited to be where I am.

I had a series of strong urges on Thursday, but instead of succumbing to them, I was able to notice them for what they were and was able to turn my attention and energy towards cooking a delicious and wholesome meal for myself and my partner.

I have noticed that, with all of my addictions, once I break the automatic response cycle it becomes much easier for me to overcome them. Through therapy and a lot of introspection, I’ve started figuring out what drives each addiction and what underlying aspect of my character or psyche it is helping cope with. In the case of porn, I am realising that it has been helping me cope with stress - especially stress related to work. I have some high pressure periods in my job, and these are often my weakest times in terms of being able to control my urges. Porn has also helped me cope with boredom. I’m not a gamer or a social media person, so I often watch videos on YouTube which often has triggering content (even in the thumbnails of random videos) which then turns me to porn.

Understanding this has helped so much though, because now I understand that my agency is being taken away from me when I mindlessly watch videos and watch porn. This awareness, coupled with a growing meditation practice which is helping me be more mindful of my actions, is creating a stronger sense of agency and control within me. So I am aware of the pull to my phone or to porn, and I am feeling more able to choose differently now.

And of course, I am also feeling so well supported by the community here. All the comments and the likes on these posts that I make here make a huge difference, knowing that there is a group of people out there who are experiencing similar things, and who are rooting for me. Thank you everyone, I am very grateful 🙏🏼

Peace and love
 
I

Impression

Member
Day 45
Strong urges yesterday, which I managed to placate with some YouTube videos. It still feels like it is playing on my dopamine reward system, but it is less severe than my porn addiction. However, it did make me wander if one day there will be an uptick in social media/digital addiction diagnoses and support groups. Anyway, still no porn here and feeling better and better for it.
Peace and love
 
I

Impression

Member
Day 46
This has been the closest I have come to relapsing. Felt quite low and unworthy. I ended up touching myself and watching some borderline content on YouTube before I snapped myself out of it. Clearly still strong urges when I feel stressed.
 
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