Reclaiming my agency - rediscovery of self through overcoming my porn addiction

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Impression

Member
Day 0
TW - I make reference to online content I watched today which may be triggering to some readers.

Damn it team. I messed up today. 😔 while it wasn’t ‘porn’ that I masturbated to, it was certainly content that was revealing and provocative enough to get me excited - and I wouldn’t have consumed this content in any other context other than to masturbate to.

I feel so damn terrible - I should’ve known that it wasn’t worth it. All it has done is it’s shook my dopamine system and my self confidence and they’ve both collapsed (I realise the foundation wasn’t super strong yet though). Arrrgghhhh! Why!?

I’ve been going through a lot recently, I am caring for my father who is really chronically unwell and I’ve had some work stresses lately which have been quite triggering too. They came to a head today. I had to take my father to multiple doctors appointments, which was really sad and harrowing because he received some difficult news, but I also had some annoying and stressful work situations which seemed to push me towards distraction as opposed to awareness. And through the distraction my guard slipped down and I watched a video of some beautiful girls in bikinis on a beach. That was enough to get me going.

I feel really disappointed in myself. And I feel like I’ve let this community down too. Sorry guys.

@Blondie and @Iwantthesecondchance, thank you for your words of encouragement - I see them and appreciate them and they are feeding this fire inside me now to try get to my first 50 day streak.

I’ll get there.

Peace and love
 
Blondie

Blondie

Respected Member
Hey, @Impression, don't be too hard on yourself. Becoming free of porn is this ever balance between pushing yourself, and loving yourself, but not giving yourself too many excuses. There's no need to apologize here. We are all on this journey together, and sometimes we will fall. The hardest part of this journey is not to bullshit yourself but at the same time, love yourself and accept where you are.

The reasons you give are legitimate reasons, and I'm sorry to hear about all of that. Of course, I don't mean to say they should be given as excuses on the long term, however, these reasons are some of the main reasons why many of us go back to porn. Stress is definitely high on the list. The biggest thing you can do on this journey is to figure out new ways to deal with stress so when it comes, it won't knock you off course. Another thing is to flat out admit that life is stressful. Period. There will be no time out in the future when you will be free of "stress" and to accept this as fact is to accept reality and step closer to freedom. When you accept that stress is just a part of life, then you don't run from it as quickly as you do when you feel stress is unfair, and thus you deserve to do something that will temporarily relieve you of it.

You got this.
 
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Iwantthesecondchance

Active Member
Hey, @Impression! First of all, I am sorry about the current medical situation of your father and I hope that the doctors will do whatever they can to help him get as much better as possible.
This alone is definitely a difficult situation and unfortunately aggravated by stress at work.
We all do something which we regret about later, but we are humans and not robots. And to me, it is more important to get to your goal of being porn-free at the end rather than getting the longest streak possible. So, you'll get there, but sometimes we all have moments of weakness. I agree with Blondie's post that we need to understand better how to deal with stress when it comes to us, and I would propose to find some new ways of dealing with stress like doing 10-20 pushups, or maybe going out for a 15min walk, anything that'll work for you.
For me it is also the thought that I am stealing a better life from myself by prolonging my porn addiction. Maybe it will work for you, too.
Anyway, do not blame yourself too much, you are a great member of the community, and you'll do even better. If you let this community down, imagine my situation - I would have been found and executed by the community admins. :D
 
I

Impression

Member
Day 1
I have relapsed a couple of times since the last relapse. And while I have not relapsed with any porn, I have watched content that I would not have watched if I didn’t want to MO. So it still counts in my mind. But I am feeling positive about the introspection that I have undergone over the last few days and I am feeling ready to embark on the journey to PMO freedom again. Noting fully that I am on a journey, and the only destination that I have is one more day PMO free.

Hey @Blondie, thanks so much for your gentle and wise words of encouragement. You are right, there is unlikely ever going to be a time when I am stress free - so learning to overcome even the low levels of stress in healthy, balanced and loving ways is absolutely key. I get the sense that self acceptance over self judgement is an important lesson that I am learning slowly.

@Iwantthesecondchance thank you for your words of empathy and support too - and for returning some really useful and practical advice for those moments of stress. Imagine how buff I will be if I do push ups each time I feel urges coming on! I like this idea a lot.

Take care all - have a great day 🤍
 
I

Impression

Member
Day 5

Feeling pretty good so far. I had a busy weekend with a trip to the beach and spending quality time in my garden with my partner. Today was a good day at work. I had mild urges on Sunday and this afternoon, but nothing too crazy.

I’ve noticed a pattern where I start a week out very strong, with a lot of conviction, intention and control, but as the week progresses and I get more tired and more stressed with the demands of life, the veil of control and conviction gets thinner and thinner and I often relapse on a Wednesday or a Thursday. I’ll have to keep my guard up this week. And the next, and the next 😏…

Wishing you all a great porn free week! Let’s do this. Peace and love
 
I

Impression

Member
Day 7

Feels good to be a week in. Although I am struggling with the often overwhelming desire to distract myself from my reality and from doing the things that I ultimately love. My mind is scattered and I feel quite strung out. However, I have remained resolute in my mission to stay away from P and from MO. I think I would like to try to go hardcore mode this time and really cut down on the MO too.

My partner and I haven’t had as much sex as we have in the past and I am feeling frustrated, mostly with myself. I think my negative energy towards my own sexuality is not attractive and it’s showing up in our way of relating physically.

Damn. So many things to get right. Baby steps. Baby steps.
 
I

Impression

Member
Day 8
Still feeling pretty good recently - although I feel like I would like to decrease my time spent on digital devices. They feel like they pull me out of reality in some way. I work on a computer all day, and that is enough for me. But I always get pull back to my phone or PC afterwards, and watching content online just makes me feel like I am living someone else’s life and I am not living mine.

I felt like that with porn too - especially with the story based porn videos or audios. I felt like I was nearly experiencing something real, but the fantasy always ended and I ended up feeling emptier and more alone or isolated than ever. And more frustrated and disgusted with the fact that I was living life vicariously through my screen. I don’t want that anymore. I don’t want that through porn or through social media either.

Have a great porn free day everyone!
 
I

Impression

Member
Day 12
I’ve had a really good weekend. I’ve zoned in on some home and gardening projects as well as gotten back into my studio to start with some music production again. I have felt present and attuned to my needs.

I’ve also started tracking positive habits that I want to build, not just negative ones that I want to break. It feels good to be able to acknowledge the good things when I do them too.

Yeah, we’re doing this! Have a great porn free week everyone. Peace and love.
 
I

Impression

Member
Day 22
I went away on holiday with my partner for a week. We went to a cabin deep in the woods where there was no signal, no wifi, and hardly anybody else anywhere close.

Bliss.

It felt like a huge reset for me. I dreamt so vividly and fully while out there. My phone wasn’t a distraction, it was only me, my partner and the woods. Damn it was great! I’ve been running a lot more frequently as well, getting into good shape too, which feels great. It always does.

It begs the question - why do I always get sucked back into habits and cycles that I know are harmful to me and others around me? Why do I refuse to see that the things that often have a short period of discomfort initially are actually really really good for me? I wish I could find ways to make the healthy habits as attractive and easy as the unhealthy ones.
 
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