Reclaiming my agency - rediscovery of self through overcoming my porn addiction

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Impression

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Day 65
Hey @Blondie, thanks for those good words. Yes, absolutely agree that the value argument cuts through the noise made by the things that we try and replace our porn addiction with.

I suppose I am trying to find ways to make my values front and centre all the time. When I feel stressed, angry or sad (or other negative emotions), often my values get buried in a mire or doubt, shame and pity, and I pull up YouTube or some other distraction to pull me away from those feelings, and I forget about my values.

I am not someone who sets goals often though, and perhaps that is where I am missing out 🤔. I think that goals are probably easier to remember and to keep in the front of my mind than a complex value set. If my goals are firmly embedded and set from within my value system, then I am even more likely to attain those goals, and still be in alignment with values. Hmmmm.
 
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Impression

Member
Day 72
This has been a really good week. I’ve found a really nice rhythm to my days, I’ve moved my body every day, done some sort of reflective practice everyday, gone to sleep early, woken up easily, eaten well. I feel really good.

However, I am nervous about next week. I am traveling for work for the week which means that my routine often goes out the window in a new space and a new context. I have also often relapsed on trips like this.

I’d like to set myself the goal of not relapsing next week. I want to get to 100 days guys! I really do! And I’ll have to wait at least another 100 days if I relapse next week.
 
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Impression

Member
Day 74
Tomorrow I leave on my trip. Tomorrow I am thrust out of my safe place and into the world, where I have historically been much less in control of my urges to watch porn. This week will be a real test for me to see if the streak I’ve been on recently is actually real, or whether I’ve been distracting myself from the real issues which are more embedded than I’d like to think.

All the best out there 🤍 you matter.
 
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Day 0
I got to Day 98 and relapsed today while at work. Day 98 guys. I can’t believe it.

I’ve been feeling a build up of stress and anxiety over the last week and it came to a head today. I wasn’t planning on it or anything. It just happened.

I’ll reflect on this more in another post.
 
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Day 0
Ahhhhh guys. I can’t believe it.

Although I actually can believe it. Knowing how insidious and how embedded porn is in my system, I am not that surprised that I cracked on Tuesday. It doesn’t make me feel good. It feels like I had started building an identity and a moral landscape around my journey of getting over my addiction to porn. I’d started talking about it to more people and sharing my progress, which also felt super inspiring and good. The shame I feel when I say that I’ve relapsed and am back at day 0 is horrible.

Most of all I feel like I have betrayed myself. Betrayed the part of myself that needs to get over this thing. Betrayed my values and my mission to be a better human. Betrayed my morality around the denigrating nature of some porn and parts of the porn industry.

Damn.

Tomorrow, we try again.
 
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