Reclaiming my agency - rediscovery of self through overcoming my porn addiction

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Impression

Active Member
Day 44
No P today, but I MO’ed today because I had a desire to.

I imagined an entire fantasy in my head and it was fantastic, I felt quite gentle and feminine. I had no desire to watch porn at all, and it felt like a lovely release for me, a satisfactory end to a good week. It’s not the first time I’ve done this, but my default was always to turn to porn to ‘bash one out’ so that I could carry on with my day, whereas this felt much more intentional. I liked it.
 
I

Impression

Active Member
Day 46
A full weekend with no time for porn or even a thought of it. I normally crave it in times when I am anxious or avoidant, and I didn’t feel either of those things.
Although this morning I was irritable, I didn’t crave porn, instead I wanted reassurance from my partner and a warm hug, and that melted the irritation away :)
Feeling strong for this week 💪
I hope you all are too
 
I

Impression

Active Member
Day 50
Slowly starting to notice when my cravings start. Slowly starting to learn to pause when I feel uncomfortable and anxious, instead of habitually reaching for my phone.
Blondie said:
Warm hugs are the best
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Slowly learning to ask for warm hugs when I need them, instead of turning a cold shoulder. Because they are the best! Thank you @Blondie 🤘 sending a warm hug your way!

I hope you’re all okay out there. I love you all!
 
I

Impression

Active Member
Day 52
I am feeling better and better without P. I had a scary conversation with my partner about porn and sex and how my relationship to both are changing. It was vulnerable and scary, but really worth it.

I feel like I am slowly starting to untangle my complex relationship with porn and my sexuality, and it has really helped to talk about it.

Have you been able to talk about these kinds of things with someone who really sees you?
 
I

Impression

Active Member
Day 54
I felt an emptiness today that was interesting. Not an emptiness that felt lonely or desperate, just that I didn’t have any positive or negative inclination toward or away from anything. It was easy to not desire porn in that space.
I wonder why I felt that way?
Anyway, another day without porn is a victory in my book! Hoorah!
 
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Iwantthesecondchance

Active Member
Impression said:
Day 52
I am feeling better and better without P. I had a scary conversation with my partner about porn and sex and how my relationship to both are changing. It was vulnerable and scary, but really worth it.

I feel like I am slowly starting to untangle my complex relationship with porn and my sexuality, and it has really helped to talk about it.

Have you been able to talk about these kinds of things with someone who really sees you?
Click to expand...
Wow man it is awesome to see that you have such a great progress! I wish you to never turn back to porn addiction.
It is absolutely great to see that your partner is supporting you in this journey and that you can have this type of conversation with her. You're blessed.

Regarding your question, I have no people who I can share these things with, and this is why I registered here on this forum. I think that the absence of people who we could share our fears and problems with is sometimes one of the main reasons we find ourselves addicted to be it porn or alcohol abuse, etc. So this is pleasant to see that you can talk about your problems with your partner! Keep on going!
 
the_land_before_time

the_land_before_time

Active Member
Hi @Impression - thanks for sharing your journey. Inspiring to read!

My ex girlfriend knew about porn, I would tell her when I relapsed, but we had a deal that it wasn't "her issue to handle" or "to bear", that it was my responsibility to handle it. She could listen etc. But ultimately my responsibility. The one person who I think can be really here for support is my therapist, it's her job basically.
 
I

Impression

Active Member
Day 62
I had a major wobble yesterday and nearly relapsed several times. I felt all sorts of anxiety, fear, apathy and kinda just wanted to disappear. Luckily I didn’t disappear or PMO. But I wanted to. Oh how I wanted to 🪁

Iwantthesecondchance said:
Wow man it is awesome to see that you have such a great progress! I wish you to never turn back to porn addiction.
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Thank you for this @Iwantthesecondchance, damn straight, I never want porn to have the same hold on me that it used to.
Iwantthesecondchance said:
Regarding your question, I have no people who I can share these things with, and this is why I registered here on this forum. I think that the absence of people who we could share our fears and problems with is sometimes one of the main reasons we find ourselves addicted to be it porn or alcohol abuse, etc
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I am really sorry to hear that you don’t have anyone close to you that you can talk to. It felt really, really scary for me to tell my partner and my friend who I talk to a lot, and even my therapist, but now that I have communicated with them, it feels easier to talk about if I want to. I hope that you can find someone who understands you and your history. We’re here to take you through the real low times, but it’s been nice for me to know that I have people that I trust and know well who are also in my corner supporting my journey.

the_mountain_goat said:
Hi @Impression - thanks for sharing your journey. Inspiring to read!

My ex girlfriend knew about porn, I would tell her when I relapsed, but we had a deal that it wasn't "her issue to handle" or "to bear", that it was my responsibility to handle it. She could listen etc. But ultimately my responsibility. The one person who I think can be really here for support is my therapist, it's her job basically.
Click to expand...
Hey thanks for dropping by @the_mountain_goat, and thank you for the kind words upfront. I really like what you say about not putting any responsibility on your ex partner for your addiction to porn. I think it is super important to keep that boundary very clearly demarcated. The main thing that I feel like I have to communicate with my partner is when I am acting out, and I am in a bad mood because I am no longer using porn to escape myself and my demons, if I can call them that. She is the first person to experience my mood swings and anxiety, and I feel like I need to reassure her that it is not her fault that I am moody, but it is partially because I am dealing with my porn addiction.

I definitely want to go back to therapy though. That does help take the pressure off my partner and my friends.
 
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