Fall down 7, stand up 8

[SilverPontus]

Hello,

I'm a 42 year old guy still trying to quit. 27 years a slave to this. It's been 10 years since I've recognised that this is an issue and made conscious attempts to give up this addiction.

I've tried the usual: NoFap, 12 Step Meetings, Psychotherapy, Psychedelics, embodied practices, mindfulness, trauma release, mens groups, online forums such as this one, accountability partners, general positive life improvement...

And here I am still using.

Truth is, I clearly haven't had enough.

I wish I had had enough.

This addiction has cost me so much. Time being one thing. I also feel it's a big contributing factor to the physical and mental health issues I experience and the break up of my last romantic relationship. When I was with her I went for long periods without using (deep connection with another truly negated the need for acting out). The opposite of addiction is connection. However in times of conflict when I wanted to run for the hills, the addiction was always there to comfort me.

I am also still here, fighting. I've definitely made progress and I still have so much to live for. In many ways I have it made, I'm as free as anything and have retained much of my youth. I have many amazing friends, live in a vibrant and social city, have hobbies where I can easily meet people and have a very exciting job. All in all, I'm loved. It's just a shame i don't love myself as much as others love me.

I still dream of a life free of this. I believe it's possible to have all the things I truly want in life - good health, vitality, a healthy relationship, healing, a family of my own with a special someone (maybe not kids, but pets maybe). It's all there waiting for me if I want it. I have absolutely no doubt I could meet my dream girl and recapture much of my health if I really wanted it.

I am tired of feeling this way. But so far, it hasn't been enough to motivate me to quit. It seems the kicks I get out of porn outweigh all my dreams. Instant gratification is bloody powerful.

I find it harder than ever with so much easy access to erotic material. Also with the certain fetishes I've have, supernormal stimulas has never been so accessible.

What I would love:

A regulated nervous system. PMO badly disregulates me and hammers my adrenals.
The ability (or the space) to say no when compulsion kicks in.
To not be so afraid of opening intimacy with a new partner.
To deeply embody that I am worth so much more than wasting my precious life force on pixels.
Healthy sleep.
To be 1% better every day.
To leave this earth having conquered this and embraced the path of self love.

I don't want to white knuckle this. I've tried that. It's never worked. I want to be that guy who says "I don't watch porn. It just doesn't work for me anymore" because I actually value myself more than this toxic addiction. I can say that with alcohol and smoking. I would love to be able to say that about porn.

Thanks for reading.

Day 1. I am glad I am writing about this instead of accepting my fate for another day and will endeavor to attend a 12 step meeting this week.

Step 1. I admit I am powerless over this addiction. It feels like I am in control but I really am not. I wouldn't be writing this if I wanted to engage in this addiction. Not really.

 

[Iwantthesecondchance]

Hello, @SilverPontus and welcome to the community. While we all can be different people with different interests, we have this common problem and we are here to help each other to win this battle, once and forever. I wish you to succeed in this battle sooner than later.

 

[SilverPontus]

Thank you @Iwantthesecondchance

I have woken up today feeling more positive.

I'm not going to count the days.

All I know is today is a day I choose to not to give my power away to porn. My future self will thank me for this.

What do I want?

To feel truly alive again.
To feel at peace (for me, addiction always comes with a scattered and agitated mind).
To not feel in the shadows of this painful addiction.
To know I am ready to meet someone and be intimate. I am never truly ready when I'm engaging in active addiction.
To be able to put my energy into health and wellness and not hemorrhage it away with porn.
To make better decisions.

Today I am grateful to still be alive and have the opportunity to recover. There is a special life waiting for me if I truly believe it. Today I will let in a little hope.

 

[SilverPontus]

Amazingly I got through yesterday clean and weathered some morning urges today. That's progress. I feel writing this journal is helping me.

Again, I set the intention that today is a day I do not give my power away to porn. This day is for me to heal just a little bit more.

I want to build good habits around fighting this addiction. What would somebody who is in recovery do? Have healthy boundaries around technology for one. Yesterday the laptop didn't come up to the bedroom with me. This needs to continue.

To reference the 12 step program. I would say I have been powerless against this addiction. The evidence from the past 27 years suggests this is true. No matter how much I think acting out is something I choose to do at the time, it never is. I would also say my life in many ways has become unmanageable as I have been continually acting out which has been affecting my mood, physical health, relationships, work life and routines. I've basically been a high functioning addict who has struggled to cope with life. I've wasted a lot of time through this addiction, but in many ways time is still on my side. I can still have the things I want before it's too late.

I just don't know how to hand myself over to a power greater than myself in the 12 step program. I feel I would be vulnerable without a plan / program going forward and the 12 steps would give me that. I would choose the natural world as a power greater than myself, and something I would happily serve. I know prayer is something that works for many people and I am willing to try again.