WoundedSparrow
Active Member
I relapsed last night after well over a year of no PMO. It wasn't a perfect year. Occasionally I'd look at things. I'd have some P and M but I was always able to stop myself and screw my head back on straight. It's far easier to recover after PM than PMO. Anyway, I had been PMing for a few nights and last night I finally broke. I'm devastated.
I thought I was beyond this. All that was left was to iron out the kinks, but the worst was over. That's what I thought anyway. I was finally starting to live again. I felt alive. Like my life was finally on the upturn. I turned 30 this year and I've struggled with porn since I was 18. This year was the best I've ever had. And more than that, I started developing in life after years of stagnation. I finally got a job in my degree field that I like. I'm a Christian and I know that this is a non-religious forum, but God was how I escaped porn the first time. I have gotten so much stronger in my faith over the last year. Like I said, it's like I came back to life.
But lately I've gotten lax in my faith and my diligence. I PMed a while back and then again a few weeks ago. The last 3 days have been horrible. I saw the signs and I should have listened. I should have turned myself around. But I didn't. Hours wasted each night and I paid the ultimate price last night. It's all my fault. I acknowledge that. I just can't believe that I'm back here again. I feel like a dead man walking. Hopeless. I don't want to get out of bed. I don't want to face the world. I'm ashamed and broken. PMO destroys willpower. It's like I spent a year building a house of cards and then bumped the table. I's all gone. How long until I can rebuild? How much longer til the next relapse? One always begets another. I've gone back to what I never wanted to go back to again. I'm devastated. And like I said, it's all on me. I could have escaped. I could have walked away. I could have trusted God but I didn't. This is the result.
I have accountability partners so I'm going to lock down my phone completely. No internet browsing whatsoever until I at least hit 90 days. It's entirely necessary. I'm worried about the ramifications of this. I have observed the fact that when I'm sober, my life moves forward. When I'm not, it doesn't. And sometimes I lose ground. Whatever future God has in store for me isn't fit for a porn addict. That's what I learned a long time ago. And here I am again. 30 and fresh off the wagon after about a year and 3 months of fighting. What kind of future is left for me? What else do I stand to lose? Can I even recover? I thought there was no going back and now I'm back. I want to cry. I want to scream. I want to rip my own brain out. But I can't. I'm just here.
Is there anybody out there who has ever been in my shoes? Failed after so long? Is rebuilding possible? I need someone to tell me that this isn't the end. That it can get better. I need to know that there is a tomorrow that I can look forward to. I feel like I lost everything. I'm so ashamed and so destroyed. If there's anyone out there, I want to hear from you.
I thought I was beyond this. All that was left was to iron out the kinks, but the worst was over. That's what I thought anyway. I was finally starting to live again. I felt alive. Like my life was finally on the upturn. I turned 30 this year and I've struggled with porn since I was 18. This year was the best I've ever had. And more than that, I started developing in life after years of stagnation. I finally got a job in my degree field that I like. I'm a Christian and I know that this is a non-religious forum, but God was how I escaped porn the first time. I have gotten so much stronger in my faith over the last year. Like I said, it's like I came back to life.
But lately I've gotten lax in my faith and my diligence. I PMed a while back and then again a few weeks ago. The last 3 days have been horrible. I saw the signs and I should have listened. I should have turned myself around. But I didn't. Hours wasted each night and I paid the ultimate price last night. It's all my fault. I acknowledge that. I just can't believe that I'm back here again. I feel like a dead man walking. Hopeless. I don't want to get out of bed. I don't want to face the world. I'm ashamed and broken. PMO destroys willpower. It's like I spent a year building a house of cards and then bumped the table. I's all gone. How long until I can rebuild? How much longer til the next relapse? One always begets another. I've gone back to what I never wanted to go back to again. I'm devastated. And like I said, it's all on me. I could have escaped. I could have walked away. I could have trusted God but I didn't. This is the result.
I have accountability partners so I'm going to lock down my phone completely. No internet browsing whatsoever until I at least hit 90 days. It's entirely necessary. I'm worried about the ramifications of this. I have observed the fact that when I'm sober, my life moves forward. When I'm not, it doesn't. And sometimes I lose ground. Whatever future God has in store for me isn't fit for a porn addict. That's what I learned a long time ago. And here I am again. 30 and fresh off the wagon after about a year and 3 months of fighting. What kind of future is left for me? What else do I stand to lose? Can I even recover? I thought there was no going back and now I'm back. I want to cry. I want to scream. I want to rip my own brain out. But I can't. I'm just here.
Is there anybody out there who has ever been in my shoes? Failed after so long? Is rebuilding possible? I need someone to tell me that this isn't the end. That it can get better. I need to know that there is a tomorrow that I can look forward to. I feel like I lost everything. I'm so ashamed and so destroyed. If there's anyone out there, I want to hear from you.
