A phoenix which rises

D

der

Member
I am in my 30s and have been addicted to porn for 20 years. It's escalated and become debilitating for work, relationships, happiness, and my own self-esteem.

I am starting a new program tackling things in a thorough way - throw the kitchen sink at it:

1. Destructive actions (bottlenecks)
1. Why
1. This is a full bottleneck. It’s ruining life and will destroy one’s conscience. So many implications
2. Not how I want to live, and the values I believe in
3. Difference between healthy and happy vs sick and failed in 3-5 years
1. Healthy and happy: ...
2. Sick and dreading: ...
2. I don't miss it
1. no pleasure from this per se (and happiness/fulfilment > pleasure)
2. escapism doesn't work - at all
3. shock is stupid
4. no power at all
5. real sexy is mutual love
3. Conscience: values, sensitisation, reparation (120 days)
4. Tactical: drive trimming, response (remember, unhook, CBT with paper, WTF), blockers (clearcut blocks, emergency button) and helpful habits
5. Dedicated healing: revise, community (x2), meditation, programs (fortify, etc)
2. Pure mental health
2. Daily: response to issues (unhook, CBT mentally, CBT with paper)
3. Big things: therapy GPT

Today is my day 1. But I've been preparing to this for day. I'll try to post daily.

#1
 
D

der

Member
Day 2

Almost had no urges. I'm mostly abiding by tactical habits of using electronics only with others around, sleeping without phone. It was really helpful last night, had a great night of sleep.

Had some problems, but worked them out, reframed my approach, and I feel pumped and energised after being on the verge of tears.
 
D

der

Member
Day 2 - Expansion

Taking some time to give more info about myself, as reccd in Gabe's pinned post and seen in other journals.

I am a 33 years old man with a debilitating porn addiction which has progressively come to affect...

- my work (deal with challenging problems? Need someone reliably present? Not really, with a future Nope in sight)
- relationships (someone free most evenings? Who can reliably build friendships and show up when needed? Not really)
- health (how many sleepless nights? Too many. How many before you get fucked up? I'm scared. Would you be worried to have a brain scan and the health of your brain after thousands of hours of destructive brain treatment? The damage must be significant.)
- love: no self-respecting partner should put up with a porn addict if they are on a clear trend to regressing, escalating, and self-destructing

I love life. I LOVE MY LIFE in fact.

I have countless passions, I have worked hard and I am successful in my career, love hanging out with people and meeting new potential friends, I got to meet amazing friends (I'd like to have even more) and have a woman who loves me and who I love back.

I actually get emotional to the thought that all of this could get away, and that a lot of potential would just not materialise, just because of this.

Because I have seen my progression throughout the years. The time. The content. The decreasing resilience. The decreasing consistency. And if I extrapolate this further on, I know that we are talking about a tragedy. It doesn't feel like that's true, but logically that's indisputable.

That makes me emotional, which maybe it's a good thing as I have seen myself getting number over time.

I am rebooting: I want this stuff gone. I am prepared to do all the work needed, go to therapy, even lose unfettered electronics if that's what it takes.

I'll start adding some structured questions below to help with my recovery:
  • Did I review my recovery plan? Am I following it? Yes. I am on my laptop in a different room right now, but stopping this soon and restarting 'in the open electronics'. I have planned to join two communities, this one and a daily tele-meeting SAA call.
  • What were my triggers? Multiple. Last night I had a micro-thought as it had become a habit to use porn before bed. My blockers, as well as the fact that I had to charge my phone out made it a no brainer so it just went away immediately. This morning two times in my run: I saw 3 different attractive women that caught my attention, but I didn't make a huge thing out of that and was able to be smart and rational. Finally I had a craving while meditating, one that could have become a urge - this is based on an old fetish... but went back to my values / principles / beliefs and analysed how it was silly and stupid. It went away. Such is the life of an early recovery person! Always with legacy habits, values, and thoughts that would get in the way of recovery if not actively corrected.
  • How did I soothe my anxiety or stress? Had a little crisis this morning. I let that run, then sit down with pen and paper to truly think it through (CBT) rather than obsessing about it without even properly looking into it.
  • What am I grateful for today? My nice run and beautiful weather.
 
D

der

Member
Day 3

I'm doing relatively well, within the challenged of everyday life. I have started joining SAA meetings, with the first one remotely last night. Work is going meh (for the most part not aligned with what I truly enjoy, at least for the next few weeks). Sport training is going well. I need this to go well, and I'm committed to make that work.

I am following my plan well, and this is the first day I'm noticing a bit of restlessness which is usually the initial sympton of struggle. I know this is the time to take it easy, reframe things to be smooth and enjoyable vs a grind, and be vigilant. To tomorrow.
 
D

der

Member
Day 3 - expansion

  • Did I review my recovery plan? Am I following it? Yes I did today. And I'm following it fully. Tonight I'll have another SAA daily call. I'm hoping that the community of this and SAA, together with a strong mental plan, and tactical things like blockers and using electronics only with others will work in synergy to make it through to 120 days.
  • What were my triggers? Two. 1) saw an attractive girl out, and even crossed road for her, it wasn't a trigger or a craving but put too much attention into it, and had to remind myself that pleasure is within me vs. based on outside or visual things. 2) read on a forum about a method based on de-escalation (no porn, but also allowing visual things) which allowed someone to go 120 days... I think it's a valid strategy, but thinking about it caused a craving for me today that there is a bit more sexual libido, so had and have to remind myself that there is no pleasure also in those visual stimuli
  • How did I soothe my anxiety or stress? I'm trying to keep upbeat in how I approach and see things, and so far didn't have any major crisis but just a low-level pain due to work not matching my interests
  • What am I grateful for today? My training run being tough and therefore very rewarding, as well as my 20 minute meditation (felt great)
 
D

der

Member
Day 0

I was doing and still I'm doing well, but was going through some very challenging psychological states. I'm not sure why, and if related to porn quitting, external conditions, or mental health. I've had 2 days of night urges affecting my sleep, and after a challenging day I was on the floor trying to regulate and struggling in pain.

So I rationalised to try to watch something safe just to prove myself how it doesn't make me feel better, then closed, then opened again, then again, and within 10 minutes that led to crossing a boundary where I saw some nudity (and admittedly continued to consciously and inquisitively browse for a few minutes) forcing me to reset my counter.

There's no pleasure in porn. And escapism doesn't work. I do feel slightly better, but I attribute that to simple distraction - and to be honest I feel worse because while a part of me feel better, overall I feel worse as I'm now more worried about porn.

I'm glad I can write here and put a backstop to this. And continue in my healing journey. I have also activated screen time also on my laptop, to make it harder to mistakenly cross the line. But the biggest learning is that the "let me see and experiment if it's the case" is clearly a rationalisation to go against my higher will. Overall, the issues came from my pain. I need to find better ways to regulate: next time I'll do more CBT, in more detail, and if that still doesn't work I'll go into distractions. Also, quit electronics if I'm in pain: understand my limits at this stage.

  • Did I review my recovery plan? Am I following it? Yes I did. I could have been better at going into emergency mode today as I saw I was really struggling mentally
  • What were my triggers? Mental stress and nights, and mental stress today after some challenging and stressing time with family
  • How did I soothe my anxiety or stress? Thinking about my principles, exploring those thoughts, using ACT and CBT. Sometimes that won't be sufficient, and that's when I need to stay safe until my brain heals.
  • What am I grateful for today? We had some memories, even if the approach was not great and as such they were stressful
 
D

der

Member
Day 0

How naive I was! As if I almost made it and that was just an innocent slip. My method is not working. Had a horrible night. That was dumb!

I have kicked multiple "addictions" in the past, and the way has always been to just change my mind about them. Blondie's story, and the people I have met at SAA, shows that recovery and abstinence are not the same thing.

I'm not the type of person that can go through abstinence without recovery. I'm too intense. I won't be able to hold on if my mind is not fully into it.

So I'm dropping most of my plan, and simplifying while making mandatory the one condition which is sufficient and necessary to recovery: I will be turned off / not interested in porn anymore. A choice. Also, I won't be journalling about this daily as I didn't do that for my other addictions - journalling makes me feel like I'm doing progress, while the true progress that need to happen can be left uncompleted. I'll check back here every week.

My plan is:

1. Be really turned off by this (find it unpleasant, better ways to regulate or happiness)
2. Conscience (find fetishes disgusting, reparation once I'm healed)
3. Little things: use electronics only with others and keep them outside bedroom during charge, install blockers
 
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