My Journey

[ts34]

* This is an (edited to bring it up to date) copy of a post I first made here back in 2014. I have added to it to reflect things as they currently stand.

Hello guys. I am Tim and I would like to start by saying that I feel so lucky to have found this forum. As you will all be aware, acknowledging that we have a problem is the first step to combating it. I am a porn addict and have been since I was about 11 or 12 years old, at least thats when I first started viewing it (I am 46 now). I am one of those guys who has suffered with this addiction for a long time and lost lots of potential relationships because of it.

I can only get off to porn (or fantasising in my head) and have only ever been able to. I am 100% heterosexual but have suffered the confusion experienced by others in that I have doubted my sexuality due to the indignities inflicted by porn. There are many things that each of us have done that we regret while we were addicted to porn, myself included. I firmly believe that those of us who genuinely crave a proper relationship with a woman often do our best (sometimes in a convoluted, unorthodox way) to "get close" to them in a meaningful way.
My own "method" (for lack of a better word) is to chat to women (and ONLY women) in online chatrooms and ultimately "come out" to them as gay. I will reiterate now that I am not gay and never have been. I am 100% heterosexual. I only do this while masturbating and watching (straight) porn, fairly mild so far.

I have watched gay porn before a couple of times and find it an absolute turn-off and not something that I "want" at all. I wish I knew why this happens for sure, but I do believe that it is a misguided, somewhat subconscious strategy to get women to talk to me and "be close" to them in a "safe" way. Once I have "come out" to them, no matter how lovely and friendly they are, I very rarely chat to them again as they have essentially "served their purpose". This is appalling I know, and it sickens me although I have ironically made some of the closest friends I have ever had.

I have had one relationship with a girl, from when I was 19 to 21. Since then I have been basically single although I have had a few opportunities and have always blown it by being angry, bitter and jealous, basically at my own inadequacies. I have never been able to orgasm through vaginal sex and although I was drunk when I finally lost my virginity (I was 19 with the girl mentioned above) I could not orgasm then either. I have been able to do so (a long time ago) through BJ and HJ with her but not without "rougher" stimulation than you get with vaginal sex. Basically I am a victim of Death Grip syndrome! I now usually masturbate up to 3 times a day (though this is rare) but it is usually about 1-2 times a day.

I am not an "ugly" man though I have very low self-esteem and have zero confidence with women although I dont really have a problem chatting to them as long as they?re not a "threat". As soon as the possibility of "going further" with a woman arises, I panic and freeze up and try and get away. I think that this is because I am anxious about erection/ejaculation (or lack of) problems and it is blocking me in a way from going further.

My aim is to be able to ultimately get into a relationship with a woman and to attain the ability to have a proper and satisfying sexual relationship with her. I know that I cannot do this with porn in my life. I would be interested to know if anybody else has been in a similar situation to myself. I am really looking forward to becoming part of this community and hopefully one of its success stories in the near future!

I first started this journey in 2014 and of course, I failed. It is now 2025 and I am trying again. I have now not PMOd for 3 days and while I have been getting urges, I have been relatively optimistic. I have created a sort of tally chart for 365 days and I am slowly ticking them off each evening. My hope is that I can go for a full year and see if my brain is able to "rewire" and reset itself in the way that I hope it can so that I can ultimately feel comfortable having a relationship. Because my first "sexual" experiences were with porn as a kid, I really don't know how successful this will be, but I am ready to give it a try! I am also going to a gym now and trying to get in better shape. I do have a few close female friends who I could probably be open and honest with (although I haven't as yet).

I will try and document my successes and failures here as best I can. The damage that porn can do is immense and I think we all need support from each other!

Thanks for reading.

 

[ts34]

So today is day 4 of no PMO. I haven't slept very well unfortunately. I was dreaming and actually remember part of one dream being quite erotic which is quite rare for me (at least it is when I'm indulging in PMO). I don't think I had any emissions but I definitely had erections all night. Urges have been niggling at me in the background today, but nothing I couldn't deal with. One thing I have noticed is that I've had a subconscious desire to "edge" a bit more (although I haven't succumbed), and this is what got me last time I tried to abstain. I'm almost having to mentally nag myself to focus on other things. I'm hopeful that I can make my first week of no PMO in a few days' time. Onward and upward!

 

[ts34]

Day 5! I actually feel quite positive today. I've been trying to keep busy by going swimming for the last 5 mornings this week, and have managed to lose 2.4lbs (I'm still a bit overweight after losing 60lbs and have about another 20lbs to go to my ideal weight) over the last week as a result, so that's been a positive. I do feel that tackling anything like our addiction can be helped by other positive gains in our lives. I have had a dating profile set up on an app (Hinge) and have been chatting with a few women, just in a friendly way, which has also been a positive for me. I feel on the one hand like I might be flirting with danger a bit here because seeing a hot woman is causing a flicker of the old urges, but balancing that out, I do feel that it might help in the rewiring process to see women as friends and the lovely human beings that they are, rather than the fake, two-dimensional women that we have spent so long looking at on our screens. Friendship and being comfortable around women will (I hope!) eventually lead to a real relationship, but there's a lot of work to do yet!

As always, onward and upward and best of luck to my fellow fighters in this struggle. We have got this!

 

[ts34]

Day 6. I woke up this morning to mild urges (I am a bit surprised at just how mild they were) after 6 days of no PMO. I have a date on Monday with a very hot (albeit slightly older than me at 50) woman near me that I got chatting to on Hinge. We've spoken on the phone a few times and got on well, so I will see how it goes in person. I have decided that if it goes well (my shitty self-confidence or lack thereof says that it won't go well, of course) that I will have to be upfront with her about this problem, at least the PMO aspect of it, and ask her to be patient with me. That will probably be the last I'll see of her, but we will see.

I am noticing that the typical times of day/evening when I would PMO seem to be the times when I'm getting mild urges, which tells me that my brain has had this "pattern" stamped onto it over many years and it's expecting it dopamine fix on the dot. I have decided to give my brain a big "Fuck You" over this. I'm not giving in.

Onward and upward!

 

[GBS]

How’s it going, @ts34

 

[ts34]

Day 7 today. Had a few drinks last night, nothing heavy but this can sometimes be a "risk" area for me when it comes to PMO. I actually managed to avoid any thoughts of PMO bar the odd, fleeting thought for a few seconds. I have had quite a busy day today so not really had my "typical" pattern of a Sunday which would quite often mean I'd be masturbating and watching P. It's really quite curious for me because since beginning abstention a week ago, my libido and desire to PMO actually seems to have all but dried up. I suspect that what will happen is that it will tick along like this for a little while, then one day out of the blue it will come roaring back and try and cause me to slip. I think preparation for such eventualities could be key for this journey. Much like the KO blow that boxers never see coming if they lose concentration. To be in this for the long haul, I think we need to expect it to come in order to lessen its impact when it does.

I have my date on for tomorrow night and I'm really quite nervous, although I'm looking forward to just getting out there and chatting to someone. Even if she just wants to be friends, something that always really pissed me off previously, I will be more than happy with that. Onward and upward!

 

[ts34]

How’s it going, @ts34

Not too bad thanks GBS. We're in this for the long haul mate!

 

[ts34]

Day 8! My first full week without PMO completed. I have to admit, I feel different to how I expected. I have kept myself busy today and have definitely noticed that I'm looking at women more. We know that P deadens our reactions to real women somewhat, but I think it's only once you've had a break from it for a while that you realise just how much it deadens those reactions. I am not getting any significant "urges" to PMO, but I am getting some feeling back. I think this is definitely a feeling of "confusion" from my brain as it is expecting its dopamine fix, but it isn't happening. While this is the beginning of a long road, I feel cautiously optimistic thus far...

Onward and upward!

 

[ts34]

Day 9. I've been keeping myself busy but haven't really noticed any urges today at all. I'm definitely more keen to engage in conversation with women though, even just harmless chit chat and was talking to a woman in the spa pool at the gym today. I wonder if it's a "social" aspect of our brains that PMO somehow nullifies or "dampens down" that can liven up when we abstain. I think I would still be very nervous of a woman if it were to lead anywhere or it became obvious that sex was on offer. I'm hoping that this changes in future though! I'd be curious to hear from others about whether you also noticed this on your own early journeys?

Onward and upward!

 

[ts34]

Day 10! Changes seem to be afoot for me! I was at the pool earlier today and was in the hot tub/spa for a dip after I'd finished my swim. A decent-looking woman a little younger than me got in and I immediately started chatting to her. Just general chit-chat really but it turned out that we had a bit in common (mutual old friends from years ago, etc). I ended up chatting to her for almost an hour and I almost didn't recognise myself. I found myself leading the conversation, which I wouldn't have previously had the confidence to do, and I was on the verge of asking her if she fancied going for a coffee when a gym bod came and got into the pool with us, which kind of cocked up the moment a bit. I told her that it was lovely chatting to her when she got out. My theory is that my brain seems to know that the PMO game is up, and its reward system seems to be reaching out for its dopamine fix another way and lowering my inhibitions a bit? It's hard to tell but something is definitely different and has changed (seemingly for the better!) over the last 10 days. I haven't had any particular urges for PMO although I am thinking about sex more. Only fleetingly as I'm trying to keep busy to minimise the risk of a relapse. All any of us can do in the face of PMO addiction is to push on through each day though!

 

[ts34]

Day 11. Had a few "low" moments today. Not so much depression but more just "Why am I even bothering to do this?" kind of thoughts. My theory is that this is my brain reacting to the lack of stimulus that it normally gets from PMO. This can often happen to drug addicts and alcoholics as well - a sense of "helplessness" and the feeling that it's a waste of time, it will all be for nothing, etc. I believe that this is a physical and physiological problem when first tackling an addiction. I am supposed to be going on my date tomorrow, so we will see how I get on. It will be interesting to see if my brain's (hopefully rewiring!) pleasure/reward centres get any kind of feeling from it. My hope is that if I can help my (battered by years of PMO) brain to start associating an actual woman with those rewards that it craves, instead of a screen, that this might have a knock-on effect. We can but hope!

 

[ts34]

Day 12 (technically it's after midnight here in the UK so I suppose it's Day 13...meh!). I have not long been in from my date, which was my first actual, organised date with a woman in (genuinely) about 20 years. It was a lovely experience and we got on very well and I'm pleased that she actually wants to do it again! While this isn't marriage, it does indeed reinforce my hypothesis that confidence in oneself to beat an addiction can maybe shine through in other ways. I am going to proceed cautiously with this lovely lady (I'll call her "L" going forward) because I am well aware that I am at a fragile stage of the recovery process, and I don't want to screw things up by trying to move too quickly. IF (and it's a big if) it gets to the stage where any kind of physicality may happen, I will be as honest with her as I can be without making her run for the hills. I am kind of determined to do the 90 days of "hard reset" and then re-evaluate to see how much effect the abstinence has had on my cocked-up mental pleasure/reward wiring. We shall see!

 

[ts34]

Days 13 and 14! This weekend has been quite positive for me. I had a nice time on my date with L and am seeing her again next week on Friday night for date 2. Fingers crossed! I've found that I've found myself subconsciously and subtly "edging" a little bit and having to consciously stop myself from doing it. I'm wondering if it's some kind of control mechanism that the brain uses, but it seems to be a bit more prevalent when I wake up on a morning. Hormones playing games I suspect! Apart from this minor issue, things seem to be OK. I haven't noticed any particular urges and the background cravings seem to be fairly limited and mild. I do think that the brain might realise that the game is up for PMO. Hopefully this might help the rewiring process as time goes on. I intend to document everything that I am feeling, noticing and hypothesising as time goes on, in the hope that it might help others going through this same process.

 

[ts34]

Day 15. My first two full weeks without PMO. I'm starting to get some semblance of libido back today, but I'm also getting more of a positive "urge" (for lack of a better word) to socialise and speak to women. I'm making more of an effort to pass random comments with women, whereas I would not have been before. I do think that PMO "numbs" part of the social and expressive centres of the brain, and when abstaining, this comes back and then some! If anybody else is going through this process, I can strongly recommend trying to be actively more conversational with women (or men if you prefer that) as it has been a real confidence boost for me. Even just passing the time of day with people in the queue at the supermarket or the barmaid at your local pub. My theory is that the rewiring process isn't just about "stopping porn", it's also about re-training the brain to do essentially what it does during adolescence - associate risk (social interaction) with reward (procreation, or shagging if you prefer ).

I am on a great adventure.

 

[ts34]

Day 16. I've definitely noticed the creep-in of naughty thoughts today. I was out with a female friend earlier and definitely found myself more "attracted" to her physically than I have been before. This all sounds a bit inappropriate and I should point out that there's nothing going on between us, nor would there be. It's interesting for me to see though my my mental "view" of real-world women is beginning to morph into something a bit different to what it was when I was using PMO. I feel more like real-world stimuli, even of the fairly innocuous and harmless type, is starting to stir things within my brain. I will of course document this further if/as it develops but for now I am content to simply reassure myself that this is the healing process and that it is underway.

 

[ts34]

Day 17. I'm noticing libido starting to return a bit today. I'm finding that I'm semi-edging in my sleep a bit(!) Not actual M but it indicates to me that my neural wiring actually associates feelings of arousal (or just plain horniness to put it bluntly!) with my hand. My theory at this stage is that it's vital to break this link if this is going to work. It feels a bit like trying to unpick a tight knot. There's a deeply-entrenched mechanism at work here that was cemented in place when I was in my early teens, and as a now 46 year old man, it's going to take a lot of work and patience to dig it out. I'm optimistic though and I do believe that positivity and confidence that we WILL beat this thing is half the battle won already.

 

[ts34]

Days 19 and 20. I've been busy these last couple of days with work and such. I'm definitely noticing a return of libido now. It's very strange how my brain seems to be trying to get itself back onto an even keel after a period of enforced abstention. It's almost like it's reeling after being denied its dopamine fix. Thinking about sex with a woman feels kind of "meh" at the minute, which is something I'm attributing (hopefully) to the rewiring process and is something that will hopefully come back soon.

 

[ts34]

Day 18. I have noticed very little libido/horniness today but then again, today has been a bit of a blur with work and a rather painful visit to the dentist. I share this not to elicit sympathy but to share yet another hardly earth-shattering (and probably already well-known theory) - keeping busy almost completely eliminates the need to PMO.

I have noticed a lot on this forum and other places that people on the verge of a slip often post in desperation that they are sliding and need something to snap them out of it before they break. I don't say this to be condescending, but it could help immeasurably to have a list of those awkward/boring/repetitive jobs that need doing but that you really can't be bothered doing, next to your laptop or phone or whatever device you normally use for watching P. If you get the urge, immediately reach for the list and just throw yourself into tackling it without a second thought. Boredom was often my trigger for sitting there, then just "browsing" my photos/P folders and before I knew it, I would be fapping away.

The cycle has to be broken and I don't think it's something that can be broken once and forgotten about - our brains have these deeply-entrenched neural pathways that link boredom-->pleasure centres-->hands-->dick and this is what needs to be tackled.

 

[ts34]

Day 21. So today has been eventful! I had my second date with L last night. We went for a drink in a nice country pub. I was paying particular attention to her body language and noticed that she was gradually sitting a little bit closer to me each time she left to visit the bathroom and such. While nothing was said last night, she asked me today (via WhatsApp) what I am looking for (relationship/friendship) and told me that she really likes me. While this is a good thing, I have the added complication of the fact that I am only 3 weeks into booting an almost lifelong addiction to PMO and I'm not really looking forward to sharing this with her...

I told her that I'm happy with either a relationship or friendship and that we should have another few dates to be sure. Being honest with myself, this is my brain trying to "buy some time". I have been looking at her through eyes that have only ever really been aroused by the pixel-perfect models whom we all know and lust (or at least lustED) after, and I feel - nothing. I am not particularly attracted to her physically. My view is that this is because my brain is only really tuned into the two-dimensional women that I've seen on my screen. This is probably going to take some time to rectify and I am in something of a quandary with it all. I do not want to hurt her (and I will not) but I need to figure this out...To be continued.

 

[ts34]

Days 22, 23 and 24. It's been a busy few days for me, hence me not catching up on here. I do feel that this process helps me to "stick to the path" so to speak, and any additional help we can get when fighting this disease (because that's exactly what it is) can only be a positive. I have spoken to L on and off on WhatsApp over the last few days, but things seem to have cooled a bit. This is almost certainly due to me dithering and messing her around. It's Thursday tomorrow and so we might well end up making plans of some sort for the weekend. If we do then I am almost certainly going to have to tell her that if we do somehow become an item, she is going to have to be very patient with me.

I don't really see how I can get out of telling her what the problem is, and about the task I'm undertaking. She is an understanding girl (I think) but nevertheless, our addiction isn't exactly the sort of thing you want others knowing about unless absolutely necessary. It's ironic that I have been so utterly hopeless with women for years, and alone as a result of it. It's ironic because as soon as I get a bit of confidence, one comes along just as I'm starting the recovery process for something that has been a daily part of my life since before I could shave.