My messed up life...

wizzard90..How are you my brother? I got reading your journal and wanted to ask you a couple of questions and comment on some of your excerpts.Regarding your early involvement in looking at porn..do you think that you where subconsciously devastated by the fact that your parents had porn in the house? What I mean is,do kind of feel like your mother was your "mom" and that father was your "dad",and that they being the core of who you become in life was so what traumatized with knowing they where sexualized through viewing porn and actually having it.I mean,your mom is suppose to be the woman who protects you and keeps you away from that until your old enough to develop a healthy relationship with sex,and your dad is the patriarch who is suppose respect your mother as your mother in front of you,and whatever they do behind close doors should be not scene or heard.I'm sensing ( because I had a very similar upbringing to yours) that alot of this is that feeling of sexual betrayal by your parents.Forgive me if I am wrong,but your life story sounds mirror of mine.

Second,why do you seek out men for sexual gradification? AQre you closeted homosexual or bisexual,or is it that porn has taken over your life so much that you crave constant dopamine,self soothing hits? Why  I am saying that is that I watched alot of porn and intially I got turned on and MO'd to straight porn.Now I have been scared to death that my porn tastes have changed.I have pretty much found very little interest in straight porn and started going over to gyno sites,then I got a glimpse when I was googling porn and saw this guy laying on the couch getting a bj from another guy and it started to draw me into.Now,I am riddled with contant thoughts and scenarios of why I might be gay or at the very least bi sexual.For me,it is a daily painful process,that is impacting me to not touch my wife or question my sexuality.I will say,I stopped having sex at the age of 19 because of bad break up with a girl who I had sex with thousands of times,and stayed out of realtionships for almost 13 years  before I met my wife. To say the least our sex life has been shitty for the last 3 years ( since we have been together for 13 years we have had sex 100 times at best).Now,I feel terrible and and feel like I am never going to get it up with her.I have desensitized the feeling of real sex with the feeling of my hand.On top of it, these homosexual spikes hit me out of nowhere.Any advice to how you've dealt with it?
 

wizzard90

Member
@ Grappler88

I'm not sure what your point is in regard to the questions about my parents.  I don't feel betrayed by them in any way that I can tell.  Maybe there are aspects to this that I haven't discovered yet, but I think my attachment to porn became its most deepest later in life when my struggles with finding a companion becomes soothed with porn.

For the questions about men, I never considered myself bi or homosexual.  It started when my internet porn use started...before that I had never owned or been interested in anything from that genre.  The internet made it very easy to explore different genres that were too taboo to do at the video store or that were just not available there.  My "repertoire" expanded considerably with the internet, including bestiality, younger girls, and yes...transsexual, homosexual or bisexual porn.  When it got to the point of wanting to participate in things I've been seeing, it was much easier to act out the fantasies around men than it was for the others types of porn...all it took was a visit to the video booths, which I had never even heard of before the internet.  Except for the money put into the video arcade machine, it was all free.  I thought at the time it was better than the prostitutes and massage parlors because it was cheaper.

There's some good information on this here: http://www.yourbrainonporn.com/ask-us-iam-attracted-to-gay-transsexual
 
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