Surprise

LTE

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Gracie said:
Today my husband had some surgery.  I noticed how we took care of each other.  Without effort.  We truly care for each other and I was happy to get him the things he needs and he wanted caresses to make him feel better.
That's the way it's supposed to be.
 

Gracie

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I know that it is the way it is supposed to be.  But it was not that way for a number of years.  We would each say we like to be alone and take care of ourselves  /  In retrospect, we were no connecting.  At All.  And now without effort we are there for each other.!! 

Amazing how the "normal" feels so [email protected]
 

LTE

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Gracie said:
I know that it is the way it is supposed to be.  But it was not that way for a number of years.  We would each say we like to be alone and take care of ourselves  /  In retrospect, we were no connecting.  At All.  And now without effort we are there for each other.!! 

Amazing how the "normal" feels so [email protected]
In the final analysis, a marriage is a very good friendship. Cooperation, etc, are a huge part of marriage.
 

Gracie

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Thanks for those kind words.  He is still not feeling well.  We talked how his use REALLY escalated when I had surgery.  And I said how even now having a solo experience with by my side was not needed.  I would wait for him.  We talked about how porn was his go to and how he ignored me pretty much every day as I recovered. 

Then we discussed the statistics that show when a wife gets ill and needs taken care of divorce is often the outcome.  When a man gets ill and needs care the marriage continues.  It follows some of the comments that show up here on Reboot.  Wife unavailable, unwilling etc.  Why the difference?  I do not know.
 

Gracie

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We have had some interesting talks on how with his surgery I do not need to turn to porn to handle what is going on.  Then we talk about what drove his need to turn to porn even more during that time.  And then compare it with the research that is showing that when a wife is ill the marriage is more likely to end in divorce but if the husband is ill the women stay with their man.

What drives this difference?  Any thoughts? 
 

Steam rolled

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Gracie said:
Amazing how the "normal" feels so [email protected]

Glad to hear things are going good, you are a great person and admire your strength.


Gracie said:
We have had some interesting talks on how with his surgery I do not need to turn to porn to handle what is going on.  Then we talk about what drove his need to turn to porn even more during that time.  And then compare it with the research that is showing that when a wife is ill the marriage is more likely to end in divorce but if the husband is ill the women stay with their man.

What drives this difference?  Any thoughts?

Our motherly instinct is strong! wouldn't want it any other way.
 

hoopvol

Active Member
Hi Gracie,
I 've come across your name many times on this forum. Just wanted to say I admire the way you are coping and that your support and your posts give many partners hope! I 'll try to do my share as well, but for now I just want to say: thank you!!
 

Gracie

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Gracie here!  Have not posted on this, my thread in 5 years. Wow!  Have stayed posting elsewhere though.  I read through and did not have palpitations once!  Major victory!

Had something pop up from the past.  We hen all this was discovered by me and we went through a couple of hellish years, I quit doing something that brought me great joy.  Taking care of my koi pond.  My husband asked the other day about the water circulation and I started crying.  I told him I stopped because I dressed in yucky clothes to take care of it and I did not want him to see me in those clothes. And then expressed sadness that I let him take that from me.  I was a sobbing mess.  8 or 9 years later.  I told him I was mad that I could not take care of it because of what happened.  Of course it took a year and a half before I would let him see me without make up after d-day.  So I guess sometimes you think it?s over and it?s not!  So dealing with resurfaced feelings!
 

MosesY

Active Member
I am sorry you are going through a tough time. Maybe not tough now, the last time you posted was in May.

So far as men sticking with women and women sticking with men, there is a book written about that called "His Needs, Her Needs". Men's needs are very different from women's. Of course this is generalized but I found it true on a lot of levels. The number one need of most women is security. A stable man, strong, hard working, ethical, a provider for the family. Most women will give up romance and other needs to keep their security. This is why women will stick by a man. The number one need for most men, believe it or not, is sex. The second most common need is respect. I believe that if a woman allows sex with her husband he feels respected; it is a two prong need. If a man is no longer getting sex, his number one need, he often turns to other ways to find release. Whether that is a mistress or porn or whatever. This is a generalization but often times a stable and successful man whose wife is sick finds a woman at work who shows him respect, casts her snare on him, and he falls in love with her. He is not getting sex at home and his brain tells him to go where the sex is.
 

Patience

Member
Thank you, Gracie for sharing your story. I will share mine. I am having a tough day today, dealing with a bit of PISD (Post Infidelity Stress Disorder). My husband is currently seeing a therapist, for which I am thankful. Music is very important in my life (pro musician), and I understand the value of a playlist. I am currently mired in a bit of depression, and trying mightily to be functional. Thanks.
 

Gracie

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Here is hoping that women and men are reading these threads. It really helps to know you are not the only one this has happened to!
 

unchained

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Hi Gracie,
You may not remember me but you made several encouraging posts on my journal several years ago. I want to thank you for that.

I did and do appreciate a lady's take on things...especially one I'm not married to.

In coming back it's both good and bad to see familiar names. I would like for all my old friends to be free of this mess. It hurts me to see that like me many still struggle. I wish you the best and thank you for your support.
 

Gracie

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Hey unchained! Yes I remember you! Sorry/happy you are back. Sorry it is necessary, but happy you know where to come for support and advice.
 
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