Time to wake up

Hello everyone, my name is Eric and I am currently a freshman in college. Today I stumbled upon a video of a no-fap challenge, and was redirected to the rebootnation page. After watching video after video and researching about porn addiction, something just clicked in my head. This crazy new idea popped in my mind... that I am an addict....that I'm addicted to M. No matter which way I look at it, all of my current problems: not focusing in school, struggling with depression and being antisocial, and being hopeless for the future, all stem from one problem...I have a PMO addiction. Felt so weird and I didn't want to believe it, but it makes perfect sense. Besides, admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery, right?
      Well a little background about myself is probably necessary. First off, I am a triplet, with 1 brother and 1 sister, and I have an older sister who attends the same university as me. I have a loving and supportive family, parents are amazing and wonderful people, and I have had no traumatic experiences in my life. In high school I was a three sport athlete, and not-proud-of-it but a lazy student. Loved my teammates and had alot of fun in highschool, yet I always noticed that I wasn't as happy as all the other kids. But being so invested in sports all year round kept me busy, so I just brushed it all off.
      Backtracking to my younger days, porn was never discussed nor ever even mentioned. So naturally in 7th grade, when the guys on the basketball team were telling stories of porn and how they pranked each other by sending disgusting porn videos to each other, I was confused and intrigued. Being the silent, tall guy on the team, I never questioned anyone further, just kept that four letter word in the back of my mind. Well If I had known that porn would lead me to depression and thought of suicide, I would never have looked at it. Alas, that night, after bball practice, I went on my family's mac desktop computer and typed up that devious and mysterious four letter word. Up popped these strange web-links with very strange descriptions. So I clicked on one. Boy did that blow my mind. There were naked girls on that page! Thousands of them, and I was looking at each and every one of them. I clicked on one video and had my first PMO session right then and there. Woke up the next morning after I had gone to bed and couldn't wait to see that naked girl again. I rushed home from practice the following day (lived 5 min away so I walked home every day) and all I could think about was that naked girl whom I'd seen the previous day. I ran into my house and there waiting for me was my father, on the mac computer, and he looked disgusted. "what is this...." he said to me. I froze. He had found my porn site, how had he known where to look??? He had clicked on the history tab and found the link to my naked girl. He scolded me and told me how disappointed in me he was and how If I ever did this again there would be severe punishment. Needless to say, I was ashamed and appalled at myself for letting down my dad. I didn't think about porn for months, after that day, until one night I had a dream of that naked girl. I woke up and ran downstairs and looked up that video and went at it again. I made sure to delete the history this time. That routine lasted me all through 7-8th grade. Next came highschool and I found that I needed to look up stranger and kinkier sex to get me aroused. I watched porn almost daily and wacked off twice daily for a long time. I was hooked.
    Fast forward to the present with me in my first semester as a college student. In general the whole college transition has really been hitting me hard, and recently I found out, harder than ALOT of people I knew. I have been struggling with depression which was such a shock to me, because I have never had problems with being happy before. So whenever I got down, I PMO'd. Twice a day is usual for me, so that's what I would do. Well recently, I've been having thoughts of dropping out of school, and even suicide. I hated this place, I hated being alone, I hated not being able to feel anything anymore. I felt as if I had met a dementor (had to put a harry potter reference in here somewhere) and he had sucked all the happiness out of me, and this was on a daily basis since day 1 of college. Well today, like I said earlier, I found the page for porn addicts, and I never though I'd find others like me. People who feel like me. It gives me hope, that maybe I can rewire my brain too, and that I can be happy again. So since technically tomorrow starts day 1 I will report back in 2 days on day 2. Trying to get clean after 6 years of watching porn. Thank you for whoever is listening.
 

Innocence

Active Member
First of all, welcome to the forums! We're glad to have you here!

Very beautiful first journal post! I think a lot of people (including me) can relate to your story as much as you did with others.
Feel free to vent away on your journal and it can really help to stay on track!

Times can get rough, don't expect this to be easy because it's not, but it's never impossible!
As this is the beginning of your reboot, I would like to suggest to go to www.yourbrainonporn.com (or click the tab above!) and read a lot of information about the subject!
The e-book is also a great source of information and motivation, which I personally highly recommend.

Stay strong buddy!
 
Thank you for the reply, I'll tell you I've been struggling today. Haven't gone a day without M in a long time. Your post really helped, honestly. Thank you for the support. Means alot to me
 
Day 2.... what do I feel? I feel scared. Scared about the future. I have gone 6 days before (probably a year ago) without M and I was extremely jittery and shaky and I felt as If I was a crack addict severely needing a fix. So yeah I'm nervous for day 7. But as for today, I feel fine, same as always. One thing I found while reading some one else's journal just made perfect sense. It's exactly how I've felt for the last...oh I don't know.. year? Here it is:
      "I just considered myself a cynical person, and thought that my dark outlook
  on life was the realistic outlook, and all the happy bubbly people were just
  fake. Now that I've discovered this whole thing of cutting back on orgasms
  and pornography, I feel like one of those bubbly people. And I notice that
  the cynical sulky people are just boring, haha."
Didn't give a name to whoever said this, but this IS EXACTLY how I feel about happy people. So weird to think that I can change. Makes me a little nervous.
Another thing that has plagued me for the years is motivation, and recently motivation to exercise. I used to lift daily, hell some times twice daily, along with runnning every day and swimming on the weekends. Recently I haven't been able to even lift for 10-15 min. Harder to swim like I used to, and overall have no motivation to exercise. It's killing me.... Need to really get out of this fog. Well that's it for today. Let's see what day 3 will bring me. And again, Thank you to whoever is sticking with me on this journey. Good to know I'm not doing it alone.
 
Well I made it to day 6.... Honestly didn't think I would, but here I am, PMO free for six days. Benefits: Mind fog is reduced, energy is up and I am thinking more clearly. Side effects: Can't get hard. At all. Guess you'd call this flatlining? been like this for the last day and a half. Its actually kinda nice not getting hard at every girl that passes me. Anyway so far so good. Going to report back in a couple days. Everyone reading this, stay strong. Can't do this alone, so let's do it together.
 
Day 8... Depression is kicking in again. Not sure what triggered it, but being away from home is making it so much worse. Miss my friends, and my family. Especially my brother and sister. Have a lot of homework to do so I'm trying to keep busy, but every time I try and get into my homework, the depression hits harder. Wish I had better friends here. I know this is a side effect of my brain re-wiring but doesn't mean its any less real. A couple of urges today. Nothing too bad. Just the depression. Talk to you guys in a couple days.
 
Well I Relapsed....Stress of finals and the urges were getting really bad. I feel terrible and I feel like a failure. Fuck. Back to square 1. I'm sorry everyone.
 
I feel terrible, not just emotionally, but physically. Feels like I was hit by a truck...I also have absolutely no energy and no motivation to do anything. Don't give in to your urges, I feel awful. Plus I feel like shit for giving in, I'm trying to get healthy and I just set myself back alot.
 

Innocence

Active Member
Hoosiersoldier said:
I feel terrible, not just emotionally, but physically. Feels like I was hit by a truck...I also have absolutely no energy and no motivation to do anything. Don't give in to your urges, I feel awful. Plus I feel like shit for giving in, I'm trying to get healthy and I just set myself back alot.

I know the feeling bud, I've also been there in a very depressed, lack of energy and motivation. (You can find it in my journal if you're interested)
It's a very rough time but you have to get through it, what helped me was to push myself towards the gym and work out.
Once I was there the energy returned and I could release it in a good way.
It's not an instant cure but it does help with clearing your mind and feel more energetic in general.
 
Haven't posted in a while..... been really rough for me these last couple days. Not just with the reboot but my life in general. Just found out I'd be medically disqualified for military service if I ever joined, which has been a dream of mine for a long time. So naturally after the doctors visit, I relapsed, again. For about the 5th time in 2 weeks. My life's all screwed up right now, but I'm going to keep trying to post on here regularly. Reboot day 1 here we go again. Trying hard to stay positive and keep with this reboot, but it isn't easy. Guess it's time to change my name on this site. Fuck. Goodnight everyone, happy new year.
 

marsturm

Active Member
Hi Soldier, Thanks for posting, man. I just wanted to tell you that I have been struggling with depression, too, and I can assure you that things fix themselves if you can see that all of this is created by thought and has nothing to do with outside circumstances. (I know it feels like it and I am really sorry for you that you won't make it into the army.) I also believe that you can stay clean and make it to more than 7 days without PMO. It really helped me to know more about states of mind, so this is a video I suggest you watch (be a bit patient and sit through it, it's mind-blowing): http://www.3pgc.org/photos-videos/details/?m=1167

The reason we act out is that we WANT to act out. Even though a part of you knows you had better stop (which is good), another part wants to PMO. All you can do is look at the facts and know that what will save you is a jump in consciousness (meaning you can SEE that it's useless to act out and you don't want it anymore). Noone can force this change, and it WILL come if you let your thoughts be thoughts and don't react to them. Feeling depressed doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you, it's just you having depressive thoughts. They mean nothing, and they sure do feel sh*tty.

I guess it's very helpful to watch Gabe's vids and read all you can lay your hands on about PMO addiction. I'm rooting for you and what feels like the end of the world right now will be seen as a part of your journey. You have a wonderful life before you. Best of luck to you.
 
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