Hoosiersoldier
Member
Hello everyone, my name is Eric and I am currently a freshman in college. Today I stumbled upon a video of a no-fap challenge, and was redirected to the rebootnation page. After watching video after video and researching about porn addiction, something just clicked in my head. This crazy new idea popped in my mind... that I am an addict....that I'm addicted to M. No matter which way I look at it, all of my current problems: not focusing in school, struggling with depression and being antisocial, and being hopeless for the future, all stem from one problem...I have a PMO addiction. Felt so weird and I didn't want to believe it, but it makes perfect sense. Besides, admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery, right?
Well a little background about myself is probably necessary. First off, I am a triplet, with 1 brother and 1 sister, and I have an older sister who attends the same university as me. I have a loving and supportive family, parents are amazing and wonderful people, and I have had no traumatic experiences in my life. In high school I was a three sport athlete, and not-proud-of-it but a lazy student. Loved my teammates and had alot of fun in highschool, yet I always noticed that I wasn't as happy as all the other kids. But being so invested in sports all year round kept me busy, so I just brushed it all off.
Backtracking to my younger days, porn was never discussed nor ever even mentioned. So naturally in 7th grade, when the guys on the basketball team were telling stories of porn and how they pranked each other by sending disgusting porn videos to each other, I was confused and intrigued. Being the silent, tall guy on the team, I never questioned anyone further, just kept that four letter word in the back of my mind. Well If I had known that porn would lead me to depression and thought of suicide, I would never have looked at it. Alas, that night, after bball practice, I went on my family's mac desktop computer and typed up that devious and mysterious four letter word. Up popped these strange web-links with very strange descriptions. So I clicked on one. Boy did that blow my mind. There were naked girls on that page! Thousands of them, and I was looking at each and every one of them. I clicked on one video and had my first PMO session right then and there. Woke up the next morning after I had gone to bed and couldn't wait to see that naked girl again. I rushed home from practice the following day (lived 5 min away so I walked home every day) and all I could think about was that naked girl whom I'd seen the previous day. I ran into my house and there waiting for me was my father, on the mac computer, and he looked disgusted. "what is this...." he said to me. I froze. He had found my porn site, how had he known where to look??? He had clicked on the history tab and found the link to my naked girl. He scolded me and told me how disappointed in me he was and how If I ever did this again there would be severe punishment. Needless to say, I was ashamed and appalled at myself for letting down my dad. I didn't think about porn for months, after that day, until one night I had a dream of that naked girl. I woke up and ran downstairs and looked up that video and went at it again. I made sure to delete the history this time. That routine lasted me all through 7-8th grade. Next came highschool and I found that I needed to look up stranger and kinkier sex to get me aroused. I watched porn almost daily and wacked off twice daily for a long time. I was hooked.
Fast forward to the present with me in my first semester as a college student. In general the whole college transition has really been hitting me hard, and recently I found out, harder than ALOT of people I knew. I have been struggling with depression which was such a shock to me, because I have never had problems with being happy before. So whenever I got down, I PMO'd. Twice a day is usual for me, so that's what I would do. Well recently, I've been having thoughts of dropping out of school, and even suicide. I hated this place, I hated being alone, I hated not being able to feel anything anymore. I felt as if I had met a dementor (had to put a harry potter reference in here somewhere) and he had sucked all the happiness out of me, and this was on a daily basis since day 1 of college. Well today, like I said earlier, I found the page for porn addicts, and I never though I'd find others like me. People who feel like me. It gives me hope, that maybe I can rewire my brain too, and that I can be happy again. So since technically tomorrow starts day 1 I will report back in 2 days on day 2. Trying to get clean after 6 years of watching porn. Thank you for whoever is listening.
Well a little background about myself is probably necessary. First off, I am a triplet, with 1 brother and 1 sister, and I have an older sister who attends the same university as me. I have a loving and supportive family, parents are amazing and wonderful people, and I have had no traumatic experiences in my life. In high school I was a three sport athlete, and not-proud-of-it but a lazy student. Loved my teammates and had alot of fun in highschool, yet I always noticed that I wasn't as happy as all the other kids. But being so invested in sports all year round kept me busy, so I just brushed it all off.
Backtracking to my younger days, porn was never discussed nor ever even mentioned. So naturally in 7th grade, when the guys on the basketball team were telling stories of porn and how they pranked each other by sending disgusting porn videos to each other, I was confused and intrigued. Being the silent, tall guy on the team, I never questioned anyone further, just kept that four letter word in the back of my mind. Well If I had known that porn would lead me to depression and thought of suicide, I would never have looked at it. Alas, that night, after bball practice, I went on my family's mac desktop computer and typed up that devious and mysterious four letter word. Up popped these strange web-links with very strange descriptions. So I clicked on one. Boy did that blow my mind. There were naked girls on that page! Thousands of them, and I was looking at each and every one of them. I clicked on one video and had my first PMO session right then and there. Woke up the next morning after I had gone to bed and couldn't wait to see that naked girl again. I rushed home from practice the following day (lived 5 min away so I walked home every day) and all I could think about was that naked girl whom I'd seen the previous day. I ran into my house and there waiting for me was my father, on the mac computer, and he looked disgusted. "what is this...." he said to me. I froze. He had found my porn site, how had he known where to look??? He had clicked on the history tab and found the link to my naked girl. He scolded me and told me how disappointed in me he was and how If I ever did this again there would be severe punishment. Needless to say, I was ashamed and appalled at myself for letting down my dad. I didn't think about porn for months, after that day, until one night I had a dream of that naked girl. I woke up and ran downstairs and looked up that video and went at it again. I made sure to delete the history this time. That routine lasted me all through 7-8th grade. Next came highschool and I found that I needed to look up stranger and kinkier sex to get me aroused. I watched porn almost daily and wacked off twice daily for a long time. I was hooked.
Fast forward to the present with me in my first semester as a college student. In general the whole college transition has really been hitting me hard, and recently I found out, harder than ALOT of people I knew. I have been struggling with depression which was such a shock to me, because I have never had problems with being happy before. So whenever I got down, I PMO'd. Twice a day is usual for me, so that's what I would do. Well recently, I've been having thoughts of dropping out of school, and even suicide. I hated this place, I hated being alone, I hated not being able to feel anything anymore. I felt as if I had met a dementor (had to put a harry potter reference in here somewhere) and he had sucked all the happiness out of me, and this was on a daily basis since day 1 of college. Well today, like I said earlier, I found the page for porn addicts, and I never though I'd find others like me. People who feel like me. It gives me hope, that maybe I can rewire my brain too, and that I can be happy again. So since technically tomorrow starts day 1 I will report back in 2 days on day 2. Trying to get clean after 6 years of watching porn. Thank you for whoever is listening.