Improvements- see bottom post of thread

[nevergiveupman]

Hi there all
This is my first post, but I've been familiar with YBOP and Marnia Robinson's work for a while.
I'm basically an early forties dude who got ensnared in the whole internet porn thing in the late nineties.  Seemed so harmless at first, could take it or leave it.
Forward ten years later and it was wrecking my relationships and triggering other unwanted sexual compulsive behaviour, which I won't get into here.  I'm very fortunate for my faith and like minded friends who have been on this recovery journey.
I'm a very young looking guy for my age, slim and attractive to women, which, instead of being humble and grateful for, I've often used this to feel entitled to the addictive sexual behaviours.
Now, for me, porn is the gateway drug, it gets my adrenaline going, lowers my inhibitions, and gets me cruising personal ads and chat rooms and things.  Way too much of an intoxicating cocktail.
And withdrawal for me means increased craving, risky flirtations, and sudden bursts of temper that surprise me and the people around me.
But I want to stay focused on the benefits, yet, at the same time, I want to leave the results to my Higher Power.
I am hoping I can desire to be PMO free for its own sake, not some extrinsic reward, because ultimately for my brain the ultimate reward is sex. 
I just also find everything I truly value in life, every principle, ideal, person, relationship, or career, is enhanced simple by abstaining from PMO.  I value the peace of mind.
I am also presently and recently single.
One challenge is a woman I work with who is very attractive, young, extremely flirtatious and vivacious.  She clearly likes me.  But I strongly intuit that at only 3 days no PMO, I would not be able to handle messing around with her, it would set off a neurological rollercoaster.
Anyways, that's a bit about me, I appreciate everyone's support

 

[Jverhoye]

Welcome, ngum!  You have found a good spot.  Lots of great folks here.  I hear wisdom in the "stay away from the gal at work" comment, at least for now.  Give yourself and your brain some breathing room.

 

[The Dude Wannabe]

NGUM,
    I think we can all understand your problems with online porn.  It is a slippery slope isn't it?  Sounds like you've a well developed moral base to work on.  I myself haven't had the problems of the opposite sex being attracted to me.  I'm in my mid 40s, I spent many years in the military (which affects the thought and speech patterns one has, and no longer live near a military community so female and male alike hold me at arms length.  I also have the added protection of being a little too heavy currently! :  That seldom brings the girls around!  LOL
    The place I work has many young women right out of college.  Sometimes I think they might hire for looks (although I know this isn't the case because they're all scientists to some degree).  I was thinking about how young and desirable many of these young women are and all the sudden it hit me like a baseball bat.  Even if I could attract one of these women, it would be greedy / wrong of me to do.  They're young.  They deserve to be with someone their age, who gets their references, is going through the same stage of life.  A person at my stage of life or older would be stealing from them in a relationship.  I'd be stealing their "age appropriate" experiences.  Once I had this thought and explored it fully it really ended all sorts of dalliances, daydreams, thoughts, fantasies, etc.
    I don't know how old your coworker is, or if this is a thought/tool you could use.  Did the trick for me though!
    Welcome to the brotherhood.  We aren't perfect here.  Not always successful in our quest, but we keep trying; and that is the important part.  Read; post; reach out when you need support.  Good luck, you'll do great!

 

[fcjl8]

I like your name... yes, nevergiveup!!!

When you feel ready a nice relationship with a lady will be great for you. I am so grateful to have my wife to hug. That sounds corny but helps big time. You don't have to go straight to full intimacy.

I wish you all the best.

 

[nevergiveupman]

Thanks for the feedback guys.
I agree the woman at work could impede the reboot-in fact I'm getting "blue balls" just from talking and texting with her, even if we're not talking about anything sexual.
Interesting how nature abhors a vacuum.
Engaging in some of my creative hobbies seems to help dissipate the discomfort.

 

[Viper]

Welcome to this portal. So many guys going through the same thing and I can totally relate to making uncharacteristic outburst and making a mountain out of molehill. I snapped at someone in my office the other day over something pretty trivial. I'm usually laid back but then again, a lot of my stress comes from the office and that's another story.
Since you brought up this woman at work, is this someone in your department or division?
In other words, do you have the same boss?

 

[nevergiveupman]

Hi all
I'm beginning to settle down and got past the hard mood swings of the first 5 days of withdrawal.
Also beginning to focus on goals and priorities again.  Tho I admit i do still desire to look at porn.
Instead, I'm going to try and do something active like go for a run.
I also have to remember that porn and masturbation frequently makes me ill, as in colds, as it seems to have a weakening effect on my immune system. 
I need to remember those things.
I realize that for whatever reason, I tend to punish myself with PMO, -I remember an old friend telling me that addicts, even those in recovery "Can't stand prosperity"-it's like when things are going well I have to punish myself again, just to re-stabilize my brain back to the "shame" zone where it feels it belongs.
I grew up in a severely toxic and shaming household, so that is how my brain developed.
Anyways, I know it's not an excuse but I think it explains a bit why recovery and positive sexuality may be so terrifying to me.

 

[fugu]

Hi all
I'm beginning to settle down and got past the hard mood swings of the first 5 days of withdrawal.
Also beginning to focus on goals and priorities again.  Tho I admit i do still desire to look at porn.
Instead, I'm going to try and do something active like go for a run.
I also have to remember that porn and masturbation frequently makes me ill, as in colds, as it seems to have a weakening effect on my immune system. 
I need to remember those things.
I realize that for whatever reason, I tend to punish myself with PMO, -I remember an old friend telling me that addicts, even those in recovery "Can't stand prosperity"-it's like when things are going well I have to punish myself again, just to re-stabilize my brain back to the "shame" zone where it feels it belongs.
I grew up in a severely toxic and shaming household, so that is how my brain developed.
Anyways, I know it's not an excuse but I think it explains a bit why recovery and positive sexuality may be so terrifying to me.

From personal experience, the first 40 days was filled with LOTS of ups and downs. It begins to level out a little later...hang strong my friend!

- Charlie

 

[nevergiveupman]

Hi All,
I slipped again on porn a few days ago, now back at day 4.
The woman at work is driving me crazy too-I actually deleted her number last night, after lots of sexual innuendo got me way too fired up into blue ball territory.
I want to re-assert my masculinity and not let these sexy, dynamic, fun, younger women walk all over me in their high heels.  I want to be the leader, the man.  Women should not have that much power.
Because I can't really re-boot if I'm lusting over live women too.
I'm still addicted to the rush.
So today, I'm going to keep busy that's all I can say.

 

[nevergiveupman]

15 days into reboot and I'm starting to notice real improvements.
These especially became noticeable the other night when I spontaneously went for a run after feeling sleepy and fatigued. 
Running, I noticed the stars, the breeze coming off the lake, the ring around the moon, the smiles and happiness of the people out walking.
I felt lighter, happy, energetic.  It was as though something had been lifted allowing me to see clearly.
I'm also concentrating better, and feel on equal standing when I talk to people, not furtive or restless.
I enjoy talking to women now, without lusting after them or caring about what they think of me (not as much anyway). 
I'm not stirring up any negative and destructive what I chose to call karma for lack of a better word.
In past every time I binged on porn, some kind of outburst of negativity would follow in a day or two.
Now, things seem to be just getting smoother and smoother.
Last night, I was a bit resentful over something I had no control over.
It weakened me.  I came close to looking 'just a bit' on my phone.
Thank God I did not.  Instead I read some stuff on YBOP and went to bed.
Extremely grateful I woke up clean today.  Have a great day everyone.

 

[Mojo]

Good for you NGUM, glad to hear that you feel the progress and stopped yourself from slipping.  I too had the impulse  and actually went did browse some porn.  Did not MO, but still slipped.  I probably would have gone farther if not for the thought of resetting my counter.

Good Luck and Keep Strong