Patrick's Journal: A gay guy's imperfect reboot

lyon03

Respected Member
Thanks for sharing Patrick. I'm not that far ahead of you in reboot so please take my comments accordingly. I feel that porn addiction and the emotions/habits that result in a porn addiction are a bit like a first language. For example, you can spend your whole life living and working in English, but you'll always have an accent. And if you get stressed or angry, you'll revert back to your first language: German. The same applies for addiction I believe. Our first language/habit is addiction: PMO. We can spend our entire lives in recovery, however, when stressed our coping mechanism will never change. I wouldn't get too upset about what happened yesterday because you just fell back on old habits, or your first language so to speak. Like you, I too am in early recovery (96 days). This is a relatively short period of time for me to live PMO-free given my almost 15-20 year porn addiction. My old habits die hard. For example, yesterday I was on a mission to have sex with my BF but it didn't happen. I started down the familiar path of isolation, resentment, anger etc. Through reboot, I've learned several valuable lessons:

1. I cannot hide nor run from life's pains through my drug of choice (a sexualized screen).
2. I have identified the memories/emotions that led to my addiction.
3. I now cope with these feelings immediately before I walk down the path to relapse.

So what am I trying to say? If you are a like me, you need to identify what you were feeling before you did this:

"I had the fantastic ??? idea to write back to a guy who had contacted me via couchsurfing.org (BTW this site has enabled me to have semi-anonymous one-night stands with my hosts, and I can see that I can act out my addiction anywhere.) Anyway, the whole set-up around maybe meeting this guy for a night out got me REALLY excited, mixed with a desperate feeling of "Will I ever find someone for rewiring" and "Everybody has sex, and I don't. I need to be better, more attractive, time's running out, I'm 45 and need to get laid blah blah blah..." BAD start into the day!"

I'd recommend reading "Breaking the Cycle" by George Collins. He has specific techniques to work through what you're feeling before you act out. Again, I am no expert brother. I'm just sharing what worked for me. For example yesterday I was HELL BENT on having sex with my boyfriend. But it didn't happen. My inner addict starting acting up so I worked through what I was really feeling. I know I won't die if I don't have an orgasm, but sex/sexuality are my first languages. So I reverted to "He doesn't love me." which deep down represents feelings of self-hatred, inadequacy and isolation. You reached out to friends to deal with the core problem. That's a victory my friend! I dealt with my problems by mentally working through them, then hitting the gym, and finally posting here.

So in conclusion, I'd simply reach out to your friends before you start using a screen for a dopamine hit. By getting ahead of your triggers/addiction, you'll feel a whole lot better.  You've got the tools, now just remove the screen time as your coping mechanism. Be well my friend. SEMI-SEXUAL WEBSITES ARE NOT AN OPTION.


 


 
 

Rick18326

Member
Patrick,

First off, I loved what you wrote about "rebooting is letting go of obsessions, anger, contempt, expectations, craziness, spiraling out of control, depression, hopelessness, sadness, defeat, and sarcasm. Instead, its embracing peace, being human, friendliness, accepting ups and downs, socializing, hope, and serenity."  It resonated with me so much ... I have many of the same same feelings.  Thank you for putting that into words , it was beautiful.

Have you read Peace Is Every Step by Thich Nhat Hanh?  Its about mindfulness in everyday life- I find it helpful in battling my personal demons. 

It makes me feel better to know that there are other men out there fighting the same fight that I am fighting, and slipping just like me...I don't feel alone anymore...and that feels good.  I feel your pain...so hang in there.  I believe we can do it, and I believe we are going to be better people (who have lots of great sex!) when we are done.

That couch surfing site sounds an awful lot like Craigslist...and both are bad for us.  Searching and looking at shirtless guy pics mimics porn searching behavior, and pictures of guys without shirts ARE erotic...especially since we have stopped looking at porn.  They are a porn substitute, and they create the same dope rush...not good!  To think anything else is to fool yourself...or to rationalize behavior  that should not be done.  That's why it messed up your day...as far as your reptile brain was concerned you looked at porn dude.   

I can relate and sympathize with you having a crazy rough weekend because the same thing happened  to me.  Saturday I was truly, really, seriously looking at YouTube for workout routines...an hour later I finally noticed the dope buzz going on in my brain as I watched a hot guy with glutes like melons do his routine in a position that was very suggestive...and the rest of my day was shot because I had to come down off that high without caving into old behavior.  I had been triggered...in essence I had taken a hit of erotica...even though it wasn't my brain thought it was...and it SUCKED.  I was crazy, angry, horny, blue balled, unfocused, irritable, angry, bitchy, and frustrated the rest of the day.  In the end I cleaned half the house, took  a cold shower and went to bed.  It was an awful Saturday.  The same thing happened on Sunday.  I was watching Will and Grace and Will danced with a hunky guy with a furry chest...ZING went the dope.  Turned off the tv.  Later on I was watching a show and a guy's arms caught my attention...ZING went the dope.  Turned off the tv again and did laundry.  Later that evening was watching Phantom of the Opera...right at the beginning there is a dance scene where there are some shirtless guys in the background...arms and pitts!!!!  ZING went the dope...ARGH!!!!!!!!!! 

We are so sensitive to images of men.  I think this is the legacy of years of our porn exposure...we have trained our brains to be sensitive and aroused by flesh colored pixels on a screen.  We have stopped the PMO behavior, but we can't just stop the brain's response...there is 20+ years of wiring that needs to be redone.  Our brain's are looking for a fix, and since porn isn't available they use sexy shirtless guys (half porn?) instead to catch a fix.  Its a devious addiction...and its looking for a hit.  So we get triggered by images...its not our fault...the images are just all around us everywhere and our addiction makes us very sensitive to them. 

I have also noticed that logic and reason get thrown right out the window when we get triggered and the brain is high on dope...all the good, sound, logical principals get silenced...or I get a case of temporary amnesia...and the old behavior takes over.  That's why the rationalization keeps popping back up.  That's why the madness starts when we get triggered.  Its good you called on your friends.  I tried but he was out...so I scrubbed...seems to work in a pinch : ) 

If  we take our obsessive thoughts and worries seriously we do end up in deep sh*t.  Trick there is to not fall at the top of that slippery slope...because it is very slippery for us right now.  And like you I am struggling on how to avoid that.  I'm going to take Lyon's suggestion and read Breaking the Cycle. 

We need to trust that love is the answer, and not cave to a sex adventure. 

As far as trusting our inner wisdom to guide us through this I agree, BUT we need to be constantly vigilant that it is our higher brain that is in control, and not our reptile brain that is doing the talking.  But this is hard, because we are fighting an addiction that is going to get triggered through no fault of our own, and we need to give ourselves a break, and be gentle and loving with ourselves when we do slip...because we are going to.

I don't think there is such a thing as a porn substitute...we want to replace PMO with new behavior and habits.  You can increase your dope level through exercise and other activities that make you feel good...but I don't think any should be erotically based.    We want our sexual and erotic needs to be met through a relationship.  Period.  Anything else is just PMO or tricking...and we don't want to do those anymore.  As far as resetting the counters, I am not going to reset mine because of what happened to me this past weekend...it was not porn, there was no masturbation, and there was no orgasm.  I also was not actively seeking.  I did get triggered repeatedly...but that was beyond my control.  All I can control (barely, sometimes!) is how I respond once I am triggered.  I like your expression ?dope traps?...maybe we should turn that idea around, and count every time we don't fall into a dope trap when we get triggered by shirtless guys, glutes like melons, or arms like tree trunks, as a victory...as one more step on the path to recovery and victory? 

Its definitely a non linear process...maybe a spiral?  This morning I felt like it was a trampoline...the lows suck, but the bounces are getting larger...I feel like I am getting closer to the truth, and closer to happiness.  Like you, part of that is a circle of close friends that are being very loving to me right now as I go through this process...this recovery.  Sometimes I feel like I am turning myself inside out...it can be very bewildering, scary, and frustrating, and I have my moments of up and down, of happiness and of despondency...and they are taking it all in stride.  I am very lucky there.

I really like lyon's description of porn being our first language...and how we revert to it when we are stressed or under extreme pressure.  I am also intrigued by the accent idea...very interesting.  Like he said, we need to stay ahead of our triggers...and not slide down the slope when we are triggered...and learn how to break out of the cycle when we are triggered.  Once we are triggered and we fall into a dope trap I see it as us being in a negative feedback loop.  If you are triggered, and you fall into the dope trap, more and more of your thinking is going to be about the trigger, and by extension sex.  Which will take you farther away from logic, reason, and your original goal.  The sexual thoughts just get more and more amplified. Your balls and sex become the focus.  The logic disappears, rationalization starts, and next thing you know you are writing an ad on Craigslist and hooking up.  Then you CRASH.  Its a negative feedback loop. 

We can't eliminate triggers...they are everywhere.  BUT- We CAN learn how to maintain control when we are triggered.  We CAN learn how not to fall into dope traps.  We CAN learn how to break out of a dope trap if we fall into one.  We CAN learn how to not act out.

Constant vigilance!  Take care Patrick- I'm rooting for you, and for all of us.


 

Chaos Mind

Active Member
Hey Patrick,

Lots of wise thoughts can be found here in your thread. You can be proud to have so many clever people around you. And it's always a pleasure reading this journal. At the moment there is very few I could contribute that has not yet been mentioned. So I'll take the opportunity to say that I know exactly how an innocent fantasy can get you close to PMO when the idea itself is full of relish. I will not make porn take away pure and lovefull thoughts. I will not allow it to take away my lust for sex. But if you choose to go the same path, you've got to know that in our minds we still struggle to separate tainted porn fantasies from healthy arousing ones.

Emotion control could be one. When you feel your hormones start dancing and you get an erection...take your time and watch your emotions: what triggered you? Are your thoughts productive or destructive? If you fantasize about a handsome man: does he make you smile or does he make you squint your eyes? Do you feel like touching him or do you feel like touching yourself? These can all be hints about where these feelings originated from in your mind.

If you are sure that you want to start rewiring (there is a controversy about "trying" it with a foreign person), I suggest you find these men in bars or clubs rather than in a browser with tabs. Real situations will stay real. But anything virtual can cross over into the fake-porn-world and spoil your progress.
 

marsturm

Active Member
Day 60:

Wow, guys, lots of wisdom to be found here, that's awesome, thank you. After my crazy day I'm enjoying some mental freedom again and this is what I've come up with so far:

I played with fire. I played with fire. (Good to repeat.) I did it because I hadn't understood that my addiction thrives on pixels. (Yeah, f*ck the pixels!) I can see that I tend to un-socialise when I get uncomfortable through my thinking. It always starts with my thinking. Then comes the action, in my case staying too long on the computer. I cannot only connect to people, I can socialise with nature, with my exercise routine, anything that gets me away from the pixels. Even an ad on the street can't make me go crazy like sitting in front of a screen and having thoughts about sex.

I know that I can become free of this. This is no dress rehearsal. The key will be my willingness to connect to the world again. Even going to a gay bar is better than staying at home and obsessing. (Although it's tricky on many levels.) Real is real. Screen is screen. I can trust my inner wisdom to guide me through this. If I'm serene, it's going to be OK, if I'm crazily obsessed, it's the wrong turn. (Horror films are a lot about addictions and taking the wrong turn...) Thank you, Chaos Mind, for your thoughts on this. lyon03, your posts are highly appreciated. Rick, thank you for the love and kindness you show me. I want to hug you all right now!!!

My day 60 feels not so awesome, I can feel the aftermath of my obsessive thinking. I still believe that it's worthwhile that I didn't end up in a PMO binge. I'm grateful for that. I know that searching for shirtless hot guys isn't sober, and I don't count it as a relapse because I know the difference between dope surfing and acting out in a full-on PMO session. If I find out that I'm basically lying to myself, I'll reset my counter.

Cheers, dudes, we can do it! Stay strong today.
 

marsturm

Active Member
This morning, in the wee hours, I relapsed. Gnnn!!! The tension started to build up after my fantastic ??? idea to contact a guy on Couchsurfing on Sunday. This led me to searching for other gay guys in my area. This led to my creating a profile on a gay dating site (all for the sake of desperately wanting someone to rewire with). This led to getting a dope fix from looking at shirtless guys, feeling infinitely less attractive than them, leading to low self-esteem and desperation. This led to confusion and brain fog in the hours to follow, including anger, nervousness, and irritability. This led to browsing on Reboot Nation for sexually explicit description of successful hard rebooters, which led to P fantasies, leading to MO'ing, which led me to become irresponsible to my everyday life, which led to rebellion ("who the f*ck cares about me anyway? I feel so f*ing alone!"), which eventually led to a 2 hour PMO binge (William is right about P substitutes leading to PMO).

Guys, I have to stay away from the dopamine triggers. It's like edging without touching your dick and rubbing it against your pants. P doesn't have to be involved, my brain knows how to fool itself. The worst thing was that I enjoyed myself PMO'ing. NOTHING seems to equal the heights of this rush, says dope brain. I've got a long way to go because I must trust that there IS something better out there if I retrain myself. I promise to finally read Your Brain on Porn and Breaking the Cycle.

It's sure great that I made 60 days without PMO. This time around, I have to let go of the dope traps, too, unless I want to struggle again. Dope spikes make the whole reboot unnecessarily difficult and strenuous. I have better things to do. I don't want to spend so much time in front of a screen anymore. There's a WORLD out there for me.

I discovered that I put a lot of stress on myself to make this reboot perfect. Perfection is the soil that my addiction loves to grow on. Trying to be perfect cuts me off from being human and loveable. It teases me to forget to love and respect myself NOW. I set up goals and had (hidden) expectations of what my reboot should look like: A partner to rewire with, my business taking off, no struggle, no setbacks, only happiness ever after, I won't be the one to relapse blah blah blah. Yes, I want to be back on the horse, and I don't have to kill it to get somewhere. Faster isn't always better. If my horse drops dead, I'll have to walk again and find a new one, after heavy mourning.

I got a lot of support right after my binge, I reached out and wasn't alone. Thank you guys for being here with me. Your support means the world to me.

What did I learn? Dopamine triggers must be avoided at all costs, playing with fire will burn you in in the end. If you need fire, go outside in the sunshine :D

Cheers, guys, and have a great, strong day. Yes, we can do it!
 

ready2go

Active Member
We're all right here for you man, and all is well.  Moving ahead and still going!  Right on Patrick.
 

Phase2

Well-Known Member
Full speed ahead. If you go 365 days PMO with only one relapse, that will be mighty fine. So put that in the past, you've learned some mistakes and now go forward. You're still in the game.

 

chiefmitch88

Active Member
I've been there Patrick. Cruising along, we begin to feel unstoppable until life shows us just how fragile we  humans can be. We addicts are some of the most emotionally fragile people out there. I am certainly no exception.

What you are doing does matter. I can already see you know that. You've learned a lesson. Put it in the "Triggers to Avoid" file and move on. Give yourself a break, find something you love about yourself to hold onto that. Because we all love you and wish you the best. We see your worth.

Also, I have to commend you on the way you reached out to handle your emotions after your slip. That shows a clear head during a time when most of us would crawl under a rock and dwell in shame and guilt. I'm proud of you for that.
 

lyon03

Respected Member
This is just a speed bump on the road to recovery my friend. No one is judging you nor thinks any less of you brother. This could be any of us. As Poker shared with me:

"I don't care how far down the road to recovery you have traveled. The ditch is still the same distance away."

Perhaps you should share exactly what happened during your relapse to get it out of your head and into this forum. We all learn from each other's journeys, potholes and all. Don't feed the addiction through guilt and shame! Be well my friend. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
 

Chaos Mind

Active Member
Nothing more to say. You got it. You failed, you analyzed, you stood up. You are not perfect, but you are doing better day to day.

You've got to know and realize when your system gets out of control. Like a car that's wallowing and there's this point where you realize you are going to crash. Turn back time, change the detail. The circle repeats now and you adapt. Repeat and adapt. Get stronger every time.

We're with you, Patrick.
 
Okay, you can stop flagellating yourself already.  So what, you relapsed and beat off to porn for the first time in sixty days!  And you enjoyed it! 

In the greater arc of your recovery, this relapse is one little itty-bitty bump in the road.  You might get thrown back into Flatline, you might experience a chaser effect, you might now take a little longer in your recovery.  So what?  For as long as your end goal is to rewire your brain so that you are capable of being sexually aroused by real live human sexual contact, then that's enough. 

You know where you are, you know where you want to end up, and you know the road and the steps to get there.  However imperfectly.  No one amongst us is going to think any less of you .

Now, straighten your tiara, beat the dirt off your ball gown and get back in that carriage.  *Gay joke, guys*

Love you.

 

lyon03

Respected Member
Just checking in Patrick. I hope you are well. Please share if you are feeling isolated or alone. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
 

marsturm

Active Member
Hey guys, I'm doing pretty good, thanks for asking. I'm a bit down-trodden after the relapse, and I can see clearer now. My enthusiasm was partly dopamine-created, and what helped me was to cut down on my screen time. I can even lose myself on the Nation, and I used to read triggering, sexually explicit descriptions here that led me to PMO. Not their fault, but mine, of course. I need to stay away from anything that spikes my dopamine. (If I ask myself if it's OK, it's not.)

Day 3 today. Gym day off, so I'd better take care to do something planned outside instead of sitting in front of the computer all day. We have a nice little gay movie festival here at the moment, so before the screenings (gnnn!!!) I can practice my social skills by being around real gay men. Some are really ;) cute BTW. I don't want to date before spring, I still need time for myself. Seeing the relapse as a minor bump in the road helped me not to dramatise it, thanks to you :)

I also would like to read more, that's better than pixels even though it's not outgoing. I'd like to mix the three in even proportions: Screen time, introverted stuff, extroverted stuff. Definitely have to cut down my screen time at home.

lyon, I love Methy, the meth squirrel in the maze. I could see myself there, and I feel sorry for the guy. Methy is tragic and cute at the same time...let's hope to retrain him properly, poor chap.

Have a great day y'all, love ya.
 

ready2go

Active Member
Patrick, hey.  You sound totally coherent, well-reasoned, and clear headed.  Nice bounce-back! 

Filling the time is hard.  I spent the whole freaking day on the computer interlaced with reading a book about a dog I got for my birthday.  The book is fine but while I'm really interested in the life of this dog, the excursions into the evolution of the dog from wolves, the experiments of dog training in the late 1800s, the gnnnnnn!! as you say, bleh.  Spending hours on the Nation is more productive.  I think I've read everything here now that is current.

You observed correctly about my mood swings - it is like *where the hell did THAT come from?*  I am not prone to those so it is a really unusual set of events to deal with I had not anticipated.  But my interest in PMO is like negative 10.  Just none.  If I see something inadvertently here or there, I avert my eyes and move on.  So truly we each have our own thing going on, and I'm thinking it probably shifts around over time. 

I would love to go to the festival you described; sounds like lots of fun.  Just watching the people would be a blast for me. 
Here there is a car show and a boat show.  Maybe someone will want to go with me to one of those. 

Keep going man.  Even with your recent side-step, you are still an inspiration and a light to follow on this path.  Thank you!!
 

lyon03

Respected Member
Hey brother. Glad to have you back posting/sharing. I've tried something that may help you a bit. When I feel the itch to surf the internet or generally waste time, I read on my tablet or just go for a quick walk. While still a book on screen, my brain sees this as "screen stimulation" so it's a disguised win and the winter air on my walks clears my head. Enjoy the festival. I swear I hit the gym partly to enjoy all of the sexy men around so I can only imagine the eye candy at a gay film festival. Be well my friend. Methy says hi. 
 
Hey, Patrick.  I?m glad to see that you?re back in your carriage again, you glamourpuss, you. 

I think it?s terrific how you?ve decided to balance your day with screen time, introverted stuff and extroverted stuff.  May I also suggest considering two more things - doing nothing and/or allowing yourself to be bored.  Boredom has taken such a bad rap in our world.  Nobody can stand waiting in queue, riding a bus, sitting in a doctor?s office, flopping on a couch without feverishly ministering to their smart phone or distracting themselves in some way.  It?s as if none of us can stand to be alone with our minds.  And just our minds. 

Is the content of our minds, the thoughts they spew up, really so terrifying that we?ll do anything not to have to listen to them? That we?ll go to great lengths to get as far away from them, up to and including PMO in front of a flat inanimate object? 

Whew...somehow I got off on a tangent here.  My point is the next time you have some ?down time? where you seem to be doing nothing, and nothing seems to be going on ?out there?, take several moments to observe yourself in your state of boredom or doing-nothingness.  See what comes up.  You don?t have to do anything, you don?t have to react, you don?t even have to form an opinion.  All you do is just...pay attention. 

In a way, that?s all any of us really want.  Attention.  Or should I say, love and attention.  It?s what drives us to do the many crazy and whacky things that we do.  Paying attention to your thoughts and doing nothing else is  paying attention to yourself.  It?s the highest form of self love.  And loving yourself is the highest form of love there is, and the most difficult for any of us to practise.  Get right with loving yourself and surely as the sun rises tomorrow, you?ll get it right when it comes to loving someone else.

Have a fab-byuh-lus weekend, Patrick!

 
Top