Should I Tell Her?

[davesaint86]

I've been with the same woman going on three months now.  I love her more than any woman I have even been with.  She means everything to me.  I was PMO free for a couple of weeks before I met her.  Two months into the relationship I had a relapse and PMO'd for about two weeks.  I finally told myself this is stupid and I love this woman so much that I do not want to jeopardize this relationship.  I joined this forum and it has been a big help.  When I have thoughts of PMO I quickly exit them out of my mind and immediately think of my GF and visualize her and her body.  I do not masturbate when I do this.  I think pure loving thoughts.  I'm now able to sexually function with her about 75% of the time without taking the blue pill.  I'm able to function about 90% of the time taking the blue pill.  If she was my wife for 20+ years I think I would confess the addiction.  Since this a a new relationship and I'm functioning fairly normal do you think there is any reason to confess my addiction.  Of course the obvious reason I would not want to do this is because I do not want to lose her.  I also do not want to keep things from her.  I thought if I have a relapse that then I should possibly confess and ask for her help and support.  Thought?

 

[Gracie]

It is up to you.  I am a big fan of telling.  The reason is exactly as you state not keeping anything away.  If you could say, "In the past I have had a problem with porn."  And then explain that it is not an issue at this time.  But it is an addiction and I have discovered better things to do with my time.  You do not have to say what kinds or how much. (if you were married I would say tell her about the quantity)  Then you could what she asks etc.  Just remember if she says 'Oh I like porn'  DO NOT WATCH IT  you are an addict.

I say this because if she is with you for awhile there me some things you need to talk about.  She could feel you hid this from her and it was a trick.  Especially if this turns out long term.

Good luck with the relationship!

 

[Jimmy James]

From the Do As I say, Not As I Do Department:  Tell her.  I am too chickenshit to tell my wife right now.  I am afraid of the humiliation, the pain I will cause, the fear of rejection.  However, I believe that recovery would be better (more complete?) if my wife was involved in it.  Maybe someday. 

For you with a relatively new GF, it might help the 2 of you clarify whether this is meant to be a permanent relationship.  If she wants to help you work through this, she might be the type of person that you want to be with forever.  If she does not, I bet there is a good chance that this relationship was not going to last anyway.

 

[Irvin]

I told her and she is very supportive. She also says that she doesnt even think that anything is wrong at all, but I believe she says that to make me feel better only. Telling your gf is important in relieving the pressure off yourself.

 

[Chaos Mind]

When I met my second gf I PMO'd the exact night when we confessed our love to each other (she had to leave home). Sad enough, I felt pride. Today I feel ashamed. The love of a person can make your thoughts go away, but that won't last forever. You will have fights and there will be the days when you doubt your love...and then you need to be strong, too!

If you tell her or not is up to you. I admit, it is kind of risky. She may find it too shocking an information right at the beginning of your relationship. But she might aswell be impressed about the trust you have in her and how honest a person you are. You know her better.

 

[CrateDane]

I definately suggest telling her as well, I told my girlfriend after about a week of us being together and she has been very supportive. If you suffer from PIED because of PMO it can remove alot of the stress of the situation if your SO knows that this can happen and what the cause is instead of her wondering "does he really love me ? Do I turn him on at all ?".

 

[Steam rolled]

First of all you are on the right track recognizing this as a problem so this is a great step towards a loving future

I myself wish sometimes i never knew and went threw with the divorce i was already planning.
But finding out the hard way SHOCK ....got us here to recovery.
But i could have dealt with this much easier if he came to me!!!!
And beacuse of lack of honesty divorce is still not ruled out
Without me knowing he would still be doing what he was doing (PMO )and his life would have been in shambles not seeing the real route of his/our problems.

At least you see this as a problem in your life and are trying, to most girls i would think it would be a wonderful thing at least to this girl it would be.

And if you decide to tell her i suggest you come armed with infomTion on the damage this causes to the reward system so she can understand whats going on inside you. And its not about her!

Best of luck !!!

 

[Poker]

100% your call....  I'm in favor of telling her also.  For all the reasons mentioned above.

Here's my thing....  If she is important to you, opening up and sharing this will show her she's important.  she'll know it.  You'll also find out how important you are to her.

Have her watch this video....  (google the search the guys name on her lap top or something).  He does a great job with both the explanation and tugging the heart strings.  She  will get it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GXtEcQGLWW8

Good luck my friend.  Remember, you've come too far to fail.  Also....  regardless of how far you've come, you are always the same distance from the ditch.

Cheers,

p.

 

[davesaint86]

Thank you for all of your replies.  After thinking long and hard about it I decided not to tell her.  Why?  Because I'm porn free and made a commitment to myself to quit porn once and for all.  It is going very well.  I notice that when I get stressed out porn enters my mind.  When it enters my mind I quickly change my though patterns either to my fiance.  I'm feeling really good right now.  This site has helped me.  I think probably all of us have a skeleton or two in our closet including my fiance.  I love her very much and do not want to lose her.  However, if I falter, I think I will need to tell her.

 

[Poker]

I hope you don't falter my friend...  Good luck.


p.

 

[Steam rolled]

Best of luck to you.
Be strong!
In love is a much better place to be.

 

[fugu]

I told my girlfriend, and she was very very supportive. Couldn't have gone much better! Just plan how you want to tell her, be sincere, and it'll turn out fine.

 

[davesaint86]

I finally told my fiance last night about by porn addiction.  I have remained porn free 91 days now.  She said she will support me.

 

[JeyEss]

That was HARD for me. I started a hurricane with the woman I love with that out on the floor. But in the end she supported my decision.

I was a little ashamed at that point. Also largely relieved. I've never felt full speed ahead with something in a long time.

It's a good thing to tell her even 3 months in. It tells her how truthful you are and how much you care about her feelings too.

Just make sure you keep the ball rollin brutha.

 

[Chaos Mind]

I finally told my fiance last night about by porn addiction.  I have remained porn free 91 days now.  She said she will support me.

Glad to hear you have a person to support you in real life. But be careful not to take anything for granted. Of course she accepted, but you'll have to wait a few days until she will be able to realize what that means in full extent. Her anger will come - visible or invisible. And then it's time to stick together as a couple and support each other.

 

[Poker]

Good decision.  Proud of you man.  Could not have been easy.

3 resources I want to offer you, that you's could watch together....  if you need to.  I think it would open her eyes a little wider, for her to see that you are not the only one. 

The great porn experiment | Gary Wilson | TEDxGlasgow
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wSF82AwSDiU

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FMJgZ4s2E3w
Philip Zimbardo: The demise of guys?

Noah Churchs talks at "sex night"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GXtEcQGLWW8

 

[mtaha2015]

dave she is supporting you.
you are lucky.
wish you best luck