emperor
Member
i'm ashamed to admit that i've developed a taste for pubescent boys generally in their early teens, and whenever i masturbate, i default to fantasizing about them. When this started at around the age of fifteen, i thought it was just a phase but it has been perpetual. i've been attracted to them for being hairless and remembering as a migrant kid seeing them uncircumcised. i've read a lot of posts about people suffering from HOCD and i'm not sure if they include me or not because i fear that i might actually like it. Not to mention that instead of shemale or gay porn, I?ve become aroused specifically by young boys. In my case I related mostly to the article on hairless genitals http://www.yourbrainonporn.com/wiring-sexual-tastes-hairless-genitalsoops but I found myself with a unique combination of the various things people with SOOCD experience? Like many sufferers i began comparing my reaction to different stimuli and getting spikes with unwanted arousal, in turn being uncertain if I?m attracted to guys or not. I also realised that i wasn't worried because of a social stigma (i even have gay friends) but because I didn't want to not be with women. It troubled me that i discovered girls at a very early age, and I used to get turned on even by bikini ads. But nowadays when i'm kissing a girl i feel nothing. In addition I had come to associate the penis with pleasure. That said, i found information about chronophiliacs who refer to themselves as "boylovers" and i found that many of their traits have been similar to mine. And I panicked. It kills me that I was interested in girls from a young age and yet I haven't had a girlfriend til now.
this started years ago when i saw a kid from my neighborhood riding his bike shirtless. i wasn't attracted to him per se, but i was aroused by the freedom he had with his body. My more conservative parents wouldn't be favorable about me doing that unless i was swimming. i had experienced this before when i was a kid, but by this time i had been introduced to porn and started masturbating more (I say more because i was quite sexual as a kid) and ejaculating. And so i began to get curious about gay porn which i never thought i would. Due to the novelty i found myself masturbating several times within the day til i found i lost the sensitivity in my penis. there was a wrongness about it that was enticing. i searched through twinks because that was the closest i could find to boys, but then i found illegal content and i also artists and photographers who depicted nude boys.
at the time i thought it was just a passing phase, but it perpetuated. i went through a period in which i suppressed it was only in the background. I reassured myself because I was still trying to pick up women, still feeling awkward around them, and still fantasize about getting intimate with them (although more romantic than erotic) but recently i found that I?m still not getting turned on by women like i used to and began having stronger spikes.
Furthmore, I found myself being picky about women and resorted to looking at the girls on tumblr. which were petite and just right for my liking. The photo?s bought out that delicate softness that i love in them. this helped make sure I was still attracted to women but it wasn?t enough. Then i came across YBOP and eventually understood that what i was doing was counterproductive.
so this past week i resisted looking at any artificial stimulus whatsoever and even testing myself. i found that i immediately started getting ever so slightly aroused by girls again and looking at boys in the same impartial way i used to. However, i wasn't sure whether i should reward these recovering responses yet while they're developing. i wasn't sure whether it's too soon and i might get desensitized again or if i should to reinforce the old wiring again.
Anyway, i did masturbate to them and regret it now because afterwards i relapsed after remembering a recent boy fantasy. it wasn't that strong, but i felt reassured by the latest development that i was off my guard and responded to it. And after that i was with some family friends and caught up with a fifteen year old kid i used to get along with and i considered trying to convince him to partake in sexual acts with me. But I?m not sure if i actually want to do it with him or if it's because i've been sexually deprived.
Since then, even though I haven?t looked at any material, I haven?t been getting aroused by girls like I was earlier this week. I?ve been trying to force myself to either think about women, or testing myself on boys and trying to put myself off them. The thoughts about boys however has made me edge.
Even though my primary goal is to rewire my arousal response to women, I don?t want to live with interests in boys, it?s not like me and I hope it?s not my ego talking here. there was a point in which I considered accepting myself as bi-sexual, which meant I get the best of both worlds, but then I realised that even being with a guy feels like lost opportunities with women. If it?s any consolation to me, I doubt that I was automatically attracted to any particular boy automatically (like that kid living near me) they would?ve just fit a criteria and I just ran with a thought.
-to ashamed to mention my name, i'm a 21 year old guy
1) so recently i've been testing myself, i either used youtube videos to look up young boys or my own imagination just to try and turn myself off them again. meanwhile i found myself getting slightly aroused by women again, and not being so picky. i was out at a music venue the other night and i was constantly checking out the women. this one girl's dancing turned me on. and even last night several women came into work that took my fancy.
although my responses are still weak, i had masturbated to them in the past few days. unfortunately after i went to bed last night i felt a jolting shock of arousal at that boy i mentioned above and i succumbed to it. it distressed me because the reason i've been testing myself was because i feared this would happen again. the first time i literally decided to go cold turkey from the get go. i was cheating and looking up tumblr girls, and i went about 40 days until out of nowhere that same shock occurred. i resisted it for about 5 or so days until i gave in.
however i did realise one thing. when i felt i had to release, i was trying to imagine a replacement in the form of a young girl instead. still not good but it sort of helped because it relieved me that it wasn't a boy. and so i can conclude that it is very much a HOCD fear as it was about gender. furthermore, this shock was the same as when i first went onto gay porn. which might indicate unwiring, but i'm not sure this is all just speculation and anxiety.
PS: it's obvious that i'm in a trial and error phase to solve my unique problem. my timeline says 9 days since watching porn, but that was actually 9 days since escalating to my acquired tastes. i actually don't remember how long ago since i actually watched porn, but i think the reason for my slow progress is because i didn't deal with the anxiety. almost immedietly after an escalation, i tend to fantasize about women again, though with weaker or no sexual response.
2) so i tried a new approach, today which i think might be helping. i accepted the possibility that my orientation may have altered. this has decreased my anxiety levels greatly although not entirely. by normalizing it, the kick that it gave me seems to be fading, and it didn't really feel right to wear the label. in addition, my attraction to most of the boys faded. the jolt seems to come from an idea rather than an actual person.
this started years ago when i saw a kid from my neighborhood riding his bike shirtless. i wasn't attracted to him per se, but i was aroused by the freedom he had with his body. My more conservative parents wouldn't be favorable about me doing that unless i was swimming. i had experienced this before when i was a kid, but by this time i had been introduced to porn and started masturbating more (I say more because i was quite sexual as a kid) and ejaculating. And so i began to get curious about gay porn which i never thought i would. Due to the novelty i found myself masturbating several times within the day til i found i lost the sensitivity in my penis. there was a wrongness about it that was enticing. i searched through twinks because that was the closest i could find to boys, but then i found illegal content and i also artists and photographers who depicted nude boys.
at the time i thought it was just a passing phase, but it perpetuated. i went through a period in which i suppressed it was only in the background. I reassured myself because I was still trying to pick up women, still feeling awkward around them, and still fantasize about getting intimate with them (although more romantic than erotic) but recently i found that I?m still not getting turned on by women like i used to and began having stronger spikes.
Furthmore, I found myself being picky about women and resorted to looking at the girls on tumblr. which were petite and just right for my liking. The photo?s bought out that delicate softness that i love in them. this helped make sure I was still attracted to women but it wasn?t enough. Then i came across YBOP and eventually understood that what i was doing was counterproductive.
so this past week i resisted looking at any artificial stimulus whatsoever and even testing myself. i found that i immediately started getting ever so slightly aroused by girls again and looking at boys in the same impartial way i used to. However, i wasn't sure whether i should reward these recovering responses yet while they're developing. i wasn't sure whether it's too soon and i might get desensitized again or if i should to reinforce the old wiring again.
Anyway, i did masturbate to them and regret it now because afterwards i relapsed after remembering a recent boy fantasy. it wasn't that strong, but i felt reassured by the latest development that i was off my guard and responded to it. And after that i was with some family friends and caught up with a fifteen year old kid i used to get along with and i considered trying to convince him to partake in sexual acts with me. But I?m not sure if i actually want to do it with him or if it's because i've been sexually deprived.
Since then, even though I haven?t looked at any material, I haven?t been getting aroused by girls like I was earlier this week. I?ve been trying to force myself to either think about women, or testing myself on boys and trying to put myself off them. The thoughts about boys however has made me edge.
Even though my primary goal is to rewire my arousal response to women, I don?t want to live with interests in boys, it?s not like me and I hope it?s not my ego talking here. there was a point in which I considered accepting myself as bi-sexual, which meant I get the best of both worlds, but then I realised that even being with a guy feels like lost opportunities with women. If it?s any consolation to me, I doubt that I was automatically attracted to any particular boy automatically (like that kid living near me) they would?ve just fit a criteria and I just ran with a thought.
-to ashamed to mention my name, i'm a 21 year old guy
1) so recently i've been testing myself, i either used youtube videos to look up young boys or my own imagination just to try and turn myself off them again. meanwhile i found myself getting slightly aroused by women again, and not being so picky. i was out at a music venue the other night and i was constantly checking out the women. this one girl's dancing turned me on. and even last night several women came into work that took my fancy.
although my responses are still weak, i had masturbated to them in the past few days. unfortunately after i went to bed last night i felt a jolting shock of arousal at that boy i mentioned above and i succumbed to it. it distressed me because the reason i've been testing myself was because i feared this would happen again. the first time i literally decided to go cold turkey from the get go. i was cheating and looking up tumblr girls, and i went about 40 days until out of nowhere that same shock occurred. i resisted it for about 5 or so days until i gave in.
however i did realise one thing. when i felt i had to release, i was trying to imagine a replacement in the form of a young girl instead. still not good but it sort of helped because it relieved me that it wasn't a boy. and so i can conclude that it is very much a HOCD fear as it was about gender. furthermore, this shock was the same as when i first went onto gay porn. which might indicate unwiring, but i'm not sure this is all just speculation and anxiety.
PS: it's obvious that i'm in a trial and error phase to solve my unique problem. my timeline says 9 days since watching porn, but that was actually 9 days since escalating to my acquired tastes. i actually don't remember how long ago since i actually watched porn, but i think the reason for my slow progress is because i didn't deal with the anxiety. almost immedietly after an escalation, i tend to fantasize about women again, though with weaker or no sexual response.
2) so i tried a new approach, today which i think might be helping. i accepted the possibility that my orientation may have altered. this has decreased my anxiety levels greatly although not entirely. by normalizing it, the kick that it gave me seems to be fading, and it didn't really feel right to wear the label. in addition, my attraction to most of the boys faded. the jolt seems to come from an idea rather than an actual person.